a *rant* that was printed out and delivered... under the closed door
1. I don't care if you take the truck or the van today. I wanted to know so I knew when Ky and I need to clear the van by- either this morning or later in the day. There's no "motive" or slam-shot other than having some idea of how to schedule everything I plan on getting done today.
2. You said my getting a bonk on the head was an "accident"
What REAL reason do I have to believe that? You and your clan have a few too many "accidents" on a regular basis, especially when me and mine are on the other end of it. What it comes down to is this: I don't trust any of you at this point. I WANT to... and I'm willing to try to keep an open mind and Heart... but there's been too much for too long, and my Heart and Spirit can't take much more. I've been given too many reasons otherwise; I can't keep ignoring things or "letting things go" and then being on the recieving end of bad and negative yet again.
There's been too many issues between you and I that don't get resolved- mostly because you take the head-in-the-sand approach and I take the meet-things-head-on approach. There's no middle ground in there unless we MAKE it. I'm more than willing to try and figure things out, but I can't do it on my own and I'm done trying to do it on my own. When you get your undies in a bundle, you either hide behind "nothing is bothering you" or start with the passive/aggressive bull. Why should I believe that the pillow or stuffed critter or whatever it was isn't more of the same passive/aggressive "Ha! That's what you get! You deserved it!" bullshit that goes on all too often?
3. If the *bedroom switch* is going to happen, say so. I said it was a waste to do it if it wasn't going to stay that way, and I mean it. There's too much dink-around as it is... why add more? Either you're committed to the bedroom switch, or you're not. This isn't something that's "up to the kids" but something that the *adults* of the household need to decide... and then stand by that decision no matter what complaints the HeadHunters have to offer about it. Kyla and AnaRose have opinions about the room switch, but I haven't let those opinions dictate my decision one way or the other. You need to make up your mind about it for your own reasons, and then- heaven forbid- LET ME KNOW what your take on it is. This isn't written in stone. If you can come up with REALISTIC alternatives, I'm all for hearing them out. And before you suggest turning the basement into a bedroom for my Kids, ask yourself this: IF the basement were turned into a "bedroom" would you put YOUR Kids down there to stay instead of MINE?
4. You and yours are doing everything under the sun to push me and mine out the door while giving lip service that you want us around. Piss or get off the pot. Make up your mind one way or the other. I'm not perfect and never claimed to be. It seems like you have an illusion going on in your head about how I've "changed" and I'm not the same person I was when we first got together. Guess what... I'm not. I'm anxious all the time, waiting for the next slam or verbal/physical attack, wondering which way it's going to come from next and whether or not I can keep all the HeadHunters and Critters from getting too banged up from it. It hurts every time you and yours comes after me and mine... and there's no time to recover and heal before the next slam comes along. I didn't get married to get divorced, but I didn't get married to be a slave/whipping post/door mat, either.
To me, marriage means a blending of lives- no one person giving up who and what they are for the other, but a mutual respect of being able to agree to disagree with things that are radically different, a mutual respect of being able to compramise and find some sort of middle ground when things aren't polar opposites, and a mutual respect of enjoying and celebrating the common grounds. It means being able to be Open and Honest with each other, to Trust the other person... even a little bit... regardless of who in your past has betrayed that Trust. To try and have an open Heart with each other... to put Faith in the other person without having to prove themselves first. Forgive each other for mistakes, appologize when *wrong* or mistaken, not take advantage of the other person, not take each other for granted, to Give to the other as much or more than what you expect to recieve in return, allow the other person to Give to you... to be treated with basic human Courtesy, Dignity, and Respect (by both your partner and their children).
5. I'm not mad. I'm hurt and confused. My Heart and Soul are being ripped to shreds every time there's a conflict and it's not resolved, or even just an attempt at a resolution. I can't keep living like this without turning resentful and bitter. I don't want that for myself or my life, and I don't want the people I Love to have to be around someone like that. I recognize it because it's already starting to happen- my Heart is closing off to everything and everyone I care about and Love. That's not who I want to be or how I want to spend my life. I feel so far away from you... like we're just two people going through the motions of being Husband and Wife. That isn't what I signed up for. I don't know what you want or how you feel, but I'm waiting for you to let me know.....