6. it used to not matter
Looking back, I can certainly recall the days when I would wake up in the morning and go about my day without a second thought. Sure, I wasn't a vegan then, wasn't always plagued by bipolar disorder, a seriously adult long term relationship, any of that, but life was fairly normal. Wake up, rub the crust of my eyes, get dressed. Even in college, have breakfast of cereal or toast or both, pack some snacks, head to class. Pant sizes and mirrors, numbers on a scale and calories, I did not think about any of that. When depression hadn't a grip on me, I was genuinely happy.
I'd get dressed and it'd take me one try to not feel gross because everything I owned I liked to wear and liked on me. Breakfast, lunch and dinner were must-haves and I would eat whatever sounded good.
Even when I found love - true love, not just that enamored puppy sort of love I had for so long - it wasn't the cure-all. In fact, it was not until after we began dating that I fell into disordered habits. It's terribly difficult to tell him that after four years of being together, it's the last three in which I fell into these behaviors.
How do you tell someone who has been around since before it started that it's not their fault? "It started with me trying to lose that weight I had put on when we first got together. Then I started obsessing with numbers and appearance, depression didn't help, I just wanted you to want me. I dropped that weight to prove I could, to make you like me again because I was afraid you'd leave after I had put on those 12 pounds. To do it I had maybe 500 calories a day, worked out for an hour to two hours, walked all over running errands in the burning hot sun. When I moved I didn't know how to keep it up, put weight back on, freaked. Next thing I knew restricting and over-exercising were the only ways I knew how to cope, then came the laxatives and purging and now abusing illegal diet pills and now I don't know how to make it stop even though I think I am ready and want to."
Yeah, like that'd fly well.
The weight of the world rests on my crooked little spine.
It'll bend again before it breaks.