5. flush
I purged again on Friday. It'd been ages. To be perfectly honest, it has never been as urgent, as easy, as it was Friday. Someone pointed out to me that I probably did it because I was really anxious that day. On another site, I started a Weight Watchers based challenge; I had planned out my meals for the day with points and everything. Not wanting to go over, I waited too long for lunch as we were eating take-out as a department, ate too much too fast, felt ill, purged, purged some more, didn't get everything up but felt better. Took some ephedra. Didn't cry about it. Tried to move on with my day.
But fuck. I was beginning to be able to feel the taste of the word "recovered" on my tongue and here I am, counting points and calories when the progress pics I took in the shower today show ribs and bumps that could only be a spine. I was ready to spill it all out to my boyfriend and tell him so that if I slipped up he could help me, if I had to get professional help he would be there for me.
Yet here I am. The morning I purged I weighed 104.8lbs, my first low since the glimpse of 103.8lbs the night we returned from Kauai (but that doesn't count -- we had basically fasted all day for lack of vegan eats.) Perhaps that had something to do with that too.
My boyfriend turned 27 on Saturday. He's finally really growing up; the last thing he needs is me falling apart on him. Thus I will say nothing and just continue on my way, hoping that next time I fall I land on the healthy path and stay there.
Here's hoping.
But fuck. I was beginning to be able to feel the taste of the word "recovered" on my tongue and here I am, counting points and calories when the progress pics I took in the shower today show ribs and bumps that could only be a spine. I was ready to spill it all out to my boyfriend and tell him so that if I slipped up he could help me, if I had to get professional help he would be there for me.
Yet here I am. The morning I purged I weighed 104.8lbs, my first low since the glimpse of 103.8lbs the night we returned from Kauai (but that doesn't count -- we had basically fasted all day for lack of vegan eats.) Perhaps that had something to do with that too.
My boyfriend turned 27 on Saturday. He's finally really growing up; the last thing he needs is me falling apart on him. Thus I will say nothing and just continue on my way, hoping that next time I fall I land on the healthy path and stay there.
Here's hoping.