Untill all that is left is dust...
Title: Untill all that is left is dust...
Author: fate_incomplete
Rating: PG
Warnings: Angst
Spoilers: 5.04
Characters: future!Dean/future!Cas
Word Count: 1,000
Summary: The broken world slips towards ruin, taking all that once was with it. Dean turns away racked with guilt, Cas watches the coldness and distance grow, both lost and longing for more but unable to find it...
Until all that is left is dust...
......................
Blue eyes once full of knowledge and power, are now edged with so much weariness and undefinable loss. Uncertainty, fear and pain spill from them. Everything that is unsaid lurking in their depths. They watch as Dean turns away, it’s expected but still as he does the pain only deepens, even if he doesn’t understand how it can still ache more each time.
Emotions, unknowable and alien well up from depths inside, flooding over him in unstoppable waves, a maelstrom he has given up trying to control. They drown him, with each swell part of him dies a little more. It’s a death by a thousand cuts. He is beyond weary, beyond hope, beyond faith.
So much has been lost it feels as though there is nothing left. Yet each time Dean turns away, each time the coldness in green eyes deepens, it finds another piece of him to carve away. He could have left long ago, but that is not who he is. He will stay till the destruction is complete and all that is left is dust. It’s not a choice of one who revels in pain or a desire to fix what is broken. It’s not a choice at all. Its Dean, its him, he no longer knows the difference.
Blue eyes watch as Dean walks out the door, swallowed by the night. The darkness envelops him too, is caresses him, strangles him. The absences grow longer each time, each time he comes back the distance grows, between them, between everything. The numbness spreads, sapping energy, swallowing whatever light is left in the world.
He reaches for the bottle beside the bed. No matter how many times he empties it, it never fills the emptiness, never dulls the pain. Nothing does, nothing can. It’s all that’s left.
He lifts the bottle to his lips, chapped and broken like everything else. He swallows the amber liquid, feels it burn down his throat. His eyes stay fixed on the darkness out the door, as he lowers the now almost empty bottle, whisky dregs slosh noisily in the quiet of the empty room.
He lowers his eyes to the bottle, held in long slender fingers, light from the lantern catching on the remnants of liquid. He rolls the bottle between his fingers, fixating on the patterns. A soft sigh passes his lips, dripping with almost forgotten desires and dreams. His eyes close against the pain.
It doesn’t help. Worn blue eyes open again. He hurls the bottle across the room. Glass shatters, piercingly loud. The destruction does nothing to ease the hollowness. The pieces just settle on the floor, yet more wreckage in a broken world.
He stands and walks out the door, too weary to bother buttoning his shirt. Wintry night air brushes against bare skin, educing a shiver. He pays no heed to the cold, it’s just another discomfort. He walks into the darkness, looking for anything to fill the void, knowing he won’t find it.
......................
He can feel Castiel’s eyes on him. Those eyes that have always seen too much within him. All the flaws, all the shame and guilt. He turns his back as he buttons his shirt. He knows what he will see in those blue eyes if he looks. Too much loss and pain that should never be there, that wouldn’t be if it weren’t for him.
He closes his eyes, he feels like a coward. First he had lost Bobby, and then Sam. If he had only had the strength he should have let Cas go, before it was too late, before he had given up everything for a fight they couldn’t win, for him. But he couldn’t, he had turned to Cas when it seemed like there was nothing left, and found him willingly giving himself, trying to fill the hole that truth be told had always been there, even before Bobby and Sam were lost.
Cas who had held him the night Sam said yes, whispering gentle words to him that he barely heard through his grief. Who had stayed by his side through everything, through every defeat, through the despair. When he had thought there was nothing left inside him, Cas had been there, filling the emptiness.
If he had only had the strength to let him go, those blue eyes wouldn’t now be staring at his back, filled with all the despair and pain he has taken from Dean and now holds in his place. Like a guardian of all his failures, his weaknesses. He has done this to Cas because he hadn’t been strong enough to face it alone, and so had dragged Cas down with him.
He turns and walks out the door without facing Castiel, promising himself that this time he won’t return, won’t bring all his problems back to Cas. That maybe if he can let him go now, Cas may have a chance to leave, that somehow maybe it can all be undone. If only he can bring himself not to turn to Cas, to search for some measure of solace within him, in this broken world that is slowly sliding towards destruction and death.
He walks out into the darkness, fighting the desire to turn back, to return to the once angels arms. Hoping the darkness will swallow him, swallow all the grief he brings to those he cares for. The cold night air cloaks him, finding its way to his very core. He embraces the feeling, knowing he deserves nothing more.
He pauses as he reaches the top of the rise at the other end of the compound, he turns, his gaze lingers on the Cas’s cabin, light still spilling from the door he had left open. The only light in the camp. His breath catches in his throat, some almost forgotten hope for something more threatening to overwhelm him. He turns his back and keeps walking. Trying with everything he has left to push that light out of his mind, before the despair that consumes him smothers what is left of it.
......................
comments make the world go aorund...
Author: fate_incomplete
Rating: PG
Warnings: Angst
Spoilers: 5.04
Characters: future!Dean/future!Cas
Word Count: 1,000
Summary: The broken world slips towards ruin, taking all that once was with it. Dean turns away racked with guilt, Cas watches the coldness and distance grow, both lost and longing for more but unable to find it...
Until all that is left is dust...
......................
Blue eyes once full of knowledge and power, are now edged with so much weariness and undefinable loss. Uncertainty, fear and pain spill from them. Everything that is unsaid lurking in their depths. They watch as Dean turns away, it’s expected but still as he does the pain only deepens, even if he doesn’t understand how it can still ache more each time.
Emotions, unknowable and alien well up from depths inside, flooding over him in unstoppable waves, a maelstrom he has given up trying to control. They drown him, with each swell part of him dies a little more. It’s a death by a thousand cuts. He is beyond weary, beyond hope, beyond faith.
So much has been lost it feels as though there is nothing left. Yet each time Dean turns away, each time the coldness in green eyes deepens, it finds another piece of him to carve away. He could have left long ago, but that is not who he is. He will stay till the destruction is complete and all that is left is dust. It’s not a choice of one who revels in pain or a desire to fix what is broken. It’s not a choice at all. Its Dean, its him, he no longer knows the difference.
Blue eyes watch as Dean walks out the door, swallowed by the night. The darkness envelops him too, is caresses him, strangles him. The absences grow longer each time, each time he comes back the distance grows, between them, between everything. The numbness spreads, sapping energy, swallowing whatever light is left in the world.
He reaches for the bottle beside the bed. No matter how many times he empties it, it never fills the emptiness, never dulls the pain. Nothing does, nothing can. It’s all that’s left.
He lifts the bottle to his lips, chapped and broken like everything else. He swallows the amber liquid, feels it burn down his throat. His eyes stay fixed on the darkness out the door, as he lowers the now almost empty bottle, whisky dregs slosh noisily in the quiet of the empty room.
He lowers his eyes to the bottle, held in long slender fingers, light from the lantern catching on the remnants of liquid. He rolls the bottle between his fingers, fixating on the patterns. A soft sigh passes his lips, dripping with almost forgotten desires and dreams. His eyes close against the pain.
It doesn’t help. Worn blue eyes open again. He hurls the bottle across the room. Glass shatters, piercingly loud. The destruction does nothing to ease the hollowness. The pieces just settle on the floor, yet more wreckage in a broken world.
He stands and walks out the door, too weary to bother buttoning his shirt. Wintry night air brushes against bare skin, educing a shiver. He pays no heed to the cold, it’s just another discomfort. He walks into the darkness, looking for anything to fill the void, knowing he won’t find it.
......................
He can feel Castiel’s eyes on him. Those eyes that have always seen too much within him. All the flaws, all the shame and guilt. He turns his back as he buttons his shirt. He knows what he will see in those blue eyes if he looks. Too much loss and pain that should never be there, that wouldn’t be if it weren’t for him.
He closes his eyes, he feels like a coward. First he had lost Bobby, and then Sam. If he had only had the strength he should have let Cas go, before it was too late, before he had given up everything for a fight they couldn’t win, for him. But he couldn’t, he had turned to Cas when it seemed like there was nothing left, and found him willingly giving himself, trying to fill the hole that truth be told had always been there, even before Bobby and Sam were lost.
Cas who had held him the night Sam said yes, whispering gentle words to him that he barely heard through his grief. Who had stayed by his side through everything, through every defeat, through the despair. When he had thought there was nothing left inside him, Cas had been there, filling the emptiness.
If he had only had the strength to let him go, those blue eyes wouldn’t now be staring at his back, filled with all the despair and pain he has taken from Dean and now holds in his place. Like a guardian of all his failures, his weaknesses. He has done this to Cas because he hadn’t been strong enough to face it alone, and so had dragged Cas down with him.
He turns and walks out the door without facing Castiel, promising himself that this time he won’t return, won’t bring all his problems back to Cas. That maybe if he can let him go now, Cas may have a chance to leave, that somehow maybe it can all be undone. If only he can bring himself not to turn to Cas, to search for some measure of solace within him, in this broken world that is slowly sliding towards destruction and death.
He walks out into the darkness, fighting the desire to turn back, to return to the once angels arms. Hoping the darkness will swallow him, swallow all the grief he brings to those he cares for. The cold night air cloaks him, finding its way to his very core. He embraces the feeling, knowing he deserves nothing more.
He pauses as he reaches the top of the rise at the other end of the compound, he turns, his gaze lingers on the Cas’s cabin, light still spilling from the door he had left open. The only light in the camp. His breath catches in his throat, some almost forgotten hope for something more threatening to overwhelm him. He turns his back and keeps walking. Trying with everything he has left to push that light out of his mind, before the despair that consumes him smothers what is left of it.
......................
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