Turn around and walk away
Title: Turn around and walk away.
Author: fate_incomplete
Rating: Soft R
Warnings: Angst
Spoilers: Set sometime after The Angels Take Manhatten
Characters: Eleven/Jack Harkness
Word Count: 1,780
A/N: A sequel to Bound by these lies. Posted for, and at the insistence of a_phoenixdragon. There you go hun, now you don't have to hunt me down *hugs*
Summary: The Jack who had just stormed out the TARDIS door like a dozen devils were hot on his heels, was earlier than any Jack the Doctor had seen for some time. He could have no idea of the storm of emotion he had swamped the Doctor with, had no idea that the last time the Doctor had been with Jack had ended in an eerily similar fashion.
.......................
He really hadn't meant to run into Jack at this point in his time line, had made it a point to keep some semblance of order to their meetings. A near impossibility perhaps, given they were both time travellers with far too many years and adventures (or misadventures) behind them, but he did try.
He'd already had one relationship that'd had more twist in it than a...twisty thing. Yeah ok, his mind was still reeling from Jack's overly skilled mouth.
Point was, the Jack who had just stormed out the TARDIS door like a dozen devils were hot on his heels, was earlier than any Jack the Doctor had seen for some time. He could have no idea of the storm of emotion he had swamped the Doctor with, had no idea that the last time the Doctor had been with Jack had ended in an eerily similar fashion.
He leant against the console too wrecked to bother buttoning his shirt back up, sucking in lung full's of air in the hopes of settling his racing hearts, of filling the empty space inside of him. Jack's sudden exit stirring the still raw pain from the last time Jack had been in the TARDIS, only a few months ago from the Doctor's perspective.
The younger Jack had no idea just how badly the Doctor had fucked things up.
Too long spent alone, that was the problem. The Doctor sometimes barely recognised himself anymore. Rattling around a universe he had hoped would forget him, losing bits and pieces of himself along the way. He had stepped into the darkness, let the shadows swallow up the memory of him, let the legend dull and gather dust.
Some legend...more of a horror story, full of fire, blood, terror and sorrows. If anyone needed proof of his failings, Jack could give it to them.
Jack was hardly innocent himself, but still, when it came down to it this was all on the Doctor.
He pushed away from the console, trying to push aside his maudlin thoughts with the motion. What was done was done. Not even he could undo it.
Setting the TARDIS to drift in empty space, he left the console room, weaving his way down a corridor to his bedroom. He flopped down on the bed. He generally didn't come into this room all that often, he didn't need to.
Staring up at the dull grey ceiling, the Doctor closed his eyes and huffed out a breath, wishing he could just shut his mind off for a few blissful hours. Instead his thoughts jumped around in a tumbled mess of Jack.
"Jack, I'm sorry."
Jack stared at him, jaw clenched, every bit of him emanating anger and pain. "Why did you even ask me to come with you? Were you that lonely you thought, hey why not find Jack, even tolerating him would be better than talking to myself?" Jack continued with biting sarcasm.
The Doctor flinched at the words. "It wasn't like that..."
"No, you don't think at all, just randomly drop into people's lives, offer them the universe and then take it away again. Hell you did it before, why did I ever think that this time would be any different?"
He tried to open his mouth, to make the right words come out, tell Jack everything. That he hadn't found Jack again by accident, that he had sought him out because he enjoyed Jack's company, more than that...having Jack back in the TARDIS just felt right. For the first time since he lost Amy & Rory, he hadn't felt empty, lost. Jack helped him remember who he was, who he could be, wanted to be...
Jack grabbed his coat, pointing a finger angrily at the Doctor. "You ever see me again, turn around and walk away."
The Doctor opened his eyes. Those had been the last words Jack had spoken to him, before he had walked out. They had been travelling together on and off for over a year, sometimes more off than on when the Doctor's moods ran dark.
The stupid thing was the Doctor couldn't even remember what had started the argument, just how it had ended.
The last thing the Doctor had been expecting today was to run into the much younger Jack. He should have done what his Jack had asked; he should have just turned around and walked away. It would have been easier, but he hadn't. He had been too distracted by how good it was to see him, and then Jack had walked out again, just like he would in however many hundreds of years later it would be for Jack.
He wanted to see Amy, to talk to her, but she was gone, out of his reach. He had a strong suspicion what she would have said anyway. She'd have told him he was an idiot, and to just go find Jack. It wasn't that simple. Jack had made it clear he didn't want to be found.
He had left so many broken in his wake, so many wrongs, thoughtless acts, that he found himself wondering if he did more harm than good. All of the time spent alone over the last several decades had left far too much time to contemplate all those errors, to wonder if the reason he was so alone had nothing to do with the choice to step back, or with his grief over never being able to see Amy and Rory again. That maybe it hadn't been a choice at all. Maybe he had burned too many bridges.
He was just a foolish old man whose choices had led him here, floating in space, with no one to share the wonders of the universe with anymore. Every day spent alone he felt another piece of himself shatter and fall away, forgotten.
A foolish old man feeling sorry for himself. It was pathetic really.
He needed a distraction, something to push aside all this thinking. He stood up and angrily stomped his way back to the control room. Not really sure what sort of distraction he needed, wanted, or even where to go too find it. He didn't bother setting coordinates, just gave the controls a whirl and let the old girl take him where she willed.
The Doctor stepped out of the TARDIS to see Jack not ten steps away. Well, so much for the idea of distracting himself.
He froze, knowing this time he should leave as Jack had asked him to do, but the signal got lost somewhere between his brain and limbs. This was his Jack, he didn't doubt it for a second, could see in it his eyes, in the weary hold of his shoulders.
Neither said anything, the silence stretching awkwardly.
The Doctor dropped his head, closing his eyes. He honestly didn't know if he wanted to rush forward and embrace every foolish, selfish desire to have something he never thought possible, that was probably already long gone, or run and never look back.
Jack made the decision for him.
He jumped when he felt Jack reach out and place a hesitant hand on his arm, the touch so tentative he could have almost imagined it. He flinched but didn't pull away, just closed his eyes tighter. He should be the one reaching out, fixing what had gone wrong, not Jack. Guilt squeezed at his hearts, strangling the double beat of excitement and delight.
He had torn Jack's life apart the instant they had met, it just took awhile for him to realise. Then he had run away, always the coward, always running. Jack should despise him, yet to the contrary he only ever wanted more. The Doctor didn't know if it was a self destructive streak in Jack or something else that had him always waiting, willing to forgive. The Doctor just selfishly accepted it, every time.
"Jack..." he whispered.
Jack placed a finger to the Doctor's lips, stopping his words.
"I just want to know one thing. What I should have let you tell me instead of leaving."
Jack moved his finger, running it along the Doctor's jaw, moving his hand so it cupped the back of Doctor's neck, fingers entwining in his hair.
"What you should have told me long ago."
His fingers kept moving, slowly, gently, enticing. The Doctor kept his eyes closed, lost in the feel of the Jack's warm touch.
"Why did you ask me to come with you?"
Jack leant his forehead against the Doctor's, his breath caressing the Doctor's cheek.
"Forget the guilt, all the mistakes...Why did you find me again?"
The Doctor let out the breath he had been holding, his thoughts finally stilling. Knowing the answer, what he should have admitted to himself long ago.
"Because I wanted to. Because I missed you. You helped me find myself again and I wanted to do the same for you. Not out of guilt, or just because I was alone. Because I wanted to."
He could feel Jack smile.
The Doctor opened his eyes, finally moving, brushing his lips along Jack's jaw line, punctuating each kiss and flick of his tongue with words.
"Because you frustrate me. You make me laugh. You sometimes do the wrong thing."
He moved his hands, running them up Jack's back.
"Because you're an idiot. You put up with me being an idiot. Actually tell me when I'm an idiot. Because I'm a foolish old man, and you know what that's like."
Jack moaned as the Doctor flicked his tongue in the groove beneath Jack's ear.
"Doctor..."
"Hmmm?"
"Shut up."
The Doctor smiled, surprised it had taken Jack so long, before losing his train of thought as Jack pushed him back against the TARDIS and made him shut up.
It wasn't hate sex, or make up sex, or any of those other types of sex humans were fond of labelling. It was none of those things and all of them. Both trying to find the scattered pieces of themselves, and remember how they fit together.
He pulled Jack into the TARDIS, fully intent on making Jack find new and imaginative ways to keep him quiet. He thrust aside the fleeting thought of how long it would be until they were right back where they started, how long until he pushed too far and found out just how much Jack could forgive, but not right now.
Now, he grinned like a fool and loosened the grip on his guilt, anger and emptiness. The Doctor took hold of Jack's hand, and they lost themselves in the wonders the universe had to offer, for as long as they could.
.......................
Author: fate_incomplete
Rating: Soft R
Warnings: Angst
Spoilers: Set sometime after The Angels Take Manhatten
Characters: Eleven/Jack Harkness
Word Count: 1,780
A/N: A sequel to Bound by these lies. Posted for, and at the insistence of a_phoenixdragon. There you go hun, now you don't have to hunt me down *hugs*
Summary: The Jack who had just stormed out the TARDIS door like a dozen devils were hot on his heels, was earlier than any Jack the Doctor had seen for some time. He could have no idea of the storm of emotion he had swamped the Doctor with, had no idea that the last time the Doctor had been with Jack had ended in an eerily similar fashion.
.......................
He really hadn't meant to run into Jack at this point in his time line, had made it a point to keep some semblance of order to their meetings. A near impossibility perhaps, given they were both time travellers with far too many years and adventures (or misadventures) behind them, but he did try.
He'd already had one relationship that'd had more twist in it than a...twisty thing. Yeah ok, his mind was still reeling from Jack's overly skilled mouth.
Point was, the Jack who had just stormed out the TARDIS door like a dozen devils were hot on his heels, was earlier than any Jack the Doctor had seen for some time. He could have no idea of the storm of emotion he had swamped the Doctor with, had no idea that the last time the Doctor had been with Jack had ended in an eerily similar fashion.
He leant against the console too wrecked to bother buttoning his shirt back up, sucking in lung full's of air in the hopes of settling his racing hearts, of filling the empty space inside of him. Jack's sudden exit stirring the still raw pain from the last time Jack had been in the TARDIS, only a few months ago from the Doctor's perspective.
The younger Jack had no idea just how badly the Doctor had fucked things up.
Too long spent alone, that was the problem. The Doctor sometimes barely recognised himself anymore. Rattling around a universe he had hoped would forget him, losing bits and pieces of himself along the way. He had stepped into the darkness, let the shadows swallow up the memory of him, let the legend dull and gather dust.
Some legend...more of a horror story, full of fire, blood, terror and sorrows. If anyone needed proof of his failings, Jack could give it to them.
Jack was hardly innocent himself, but still, when it came down to it this was all on the Doctor.
He pushed away from the console, trying to push aside his maudlin thoughts with the motion. What was done was done. Not even he could undo it.
Setting the TARDIS to drift in empty space, he left the console room, weaving his way down a corridor to his bedroom. He flopped down on the bed. He generally didn't come into this room all that often, he didn't need to.
Staring up at the dull grey ceiling, the Doctor closed his eyes and huffed out a breath, wishing he could just shut his mind off for a few blissful hours. Instead his thoughts jumped around in a tumbled mess of Jack.
"Jack, I'm sorry."
Jack stared at him, jaw clenched, every bit of him emanating anger and pain. "Why did you even ask me to come with you? Were you that lonely you thought, hey why not find Jack, even tolerating him would be better than talking to myself?" Jack continued with biting sarcasm.
The Doctor flinched at the words. "It wasn't like that..."
"No, you don't think at all, just randomly drop into people's lives, offer them the universe and then take it away again. Hell you did it before, why did I ever think that this time would be any different?"
He tried to open his mouth, to make the right words come out, tell Jack everything. That he hadn't found Jack again by accident, that he had sought him out because he enjoyed Jack's company, more than that...having Jack back in the TARDIS just felt right. For the first time since he lost Amy & Rory, he hadn't felt empty, lost. Jack helped him remember who he was, who he could be, wanted to be...
Jack grabbed his coat, pointing a finger angrily at the Doctor. "You ever see me again, turn around and walk away."
The Doctor opened his eyes. Those had been the last words Jack had spoken to him, before he had walked out. They had been travelling together on and off for over a year, sometimes more off than on when the Doctor's moods ran dark.
The stupid thing was the Doctor couldn't even remember what had started the argument, just how it had ended.
The last thing the Doctor had been expecting today was to run into the much younger Jack. He should have done what his Jack had asked; he should have just turned around and walked away. It would have been easier, but he hadn't. He had been too distracted by how good it was to see him, and then Jack had walked out again, just like he would in however many hundreds of years later it would be for Jack.
He wanted to see Amy, to talk to her, but she was gone, out of his reach. He had a strong suspicion what she would have said anyway. She'd have told him he was an idiot, and to just go find Jack. It wasn't that simple. Jack had made it clear he didn't want to be found.
He had left so many broken in his wake, so many wrongs, thoughtless acts, that he found himself wondering if he did more harm than good. All of the time spent alone over the last several decades had left far too much time to contemplate all those errors, to wonder if the reason he was so alone had nothing to do with the choice to step back, or with his grief over never being able to see Amy and Rory again. That maybe it hadn't been a choice at all. Maybe he had burned too many bridges.
He was just a foolish old man whose choices had led him here, floating in space, with no one to share the wonders of the universe with anymore. Every day spent alone he felt another piece of himself shatter and fall away, forgotten.
A foolish old man feeling sorry for himself. It was pathetic really.
He needed a distraction, something to push aside all this thinking. He stood up and angrily stomped his way back to the control room. Not really sure what sort of distraction he needed, wanted, or even where to go too find it. He didn't bother setting coordinates, just gave the controls a whirl and let the old girl take him where she willed.
The Doctor stepped out of the TARDIS to see Jack not ten steps away. Well, so much for the idea of distracting himself.
He froze, knowing this time he should leave as Jack had asked him to do, but the signal got lost somewhere between his brain and limbs. This was his Jack, he didn't doubt it for a second, could see in it his eyes, in the weary hold of his shoulders.
Neither said anything, the silence stretching awkwardly.
The Doctor dropped his head, closing his eyes. He honestly didn't know if he wanted to rush forward and embrace every foolish, selfish desire to have something he never thought possible, that was probably already long gone, or run and never look back.
Jack made the decision for him.
He jumped when he felt Jack reach out and place a hesitant hand on his arm, the touch so tentative he could have almost imagined it. He flinched but didn't pull away, just closed his eyes tighter. He should be the one reaching out, fixing what had gone wrong, not Jack. Guilt squeezed at his hearts, strangling the double beat of excitement and delight.
He had torn Jack's life apart the instant they had met, it just took awhile for him to realise. Then he had run away, always the coward, always running. Jack should despise him, yet to the contrary he only ever wanted more. The Doctor didn't know if it was a self destructive streak in Jack or something else that had him always waiting, willing to forgive. The Doctor just selfishly accepted it, every time.
"Jack..." he whispered.
Jack placed a finger to the Doctor's lips, stopping his words.
"I just want to know one thing. What I should have let you tell me instead of leaving."
Jack moved his finger, running it along the Doctor's jaw, moving his hand so it cupped the back of Doctor's neck, fingers entwining in his hair.
"What you should have told me long ago."
His fingers kept moving, slowly, gently, enticing. The Doctor kept his eyes closed, lost in the feel of the Jack's warm touch.
"Why did you ask me to come with you?"
Jack leant his forehead against the Doctor's, his breath caressing the Doctor's cheek.
"Forget the guilt, all the mistakes...Why did you find me again?"
The Doctor let out the breath he had been holding, his thoughts finally stilling. Knowing the answer, what he should have admitted to himself long ago.
"Because I wanted to. Because I missed you. You helped me find myself again and I wanted to do the same for you. Not out of guilt, or just because I was alone. Because I wanted to."
He could feel Jack smile.
The Doctor opened his eyes, finally moving, brushing his lips along Jack's jaw line, punctuating each kiss and flick of his tongue with words.
"Because you frustrate me. You make me laugh. You sometimes do the wrong thing."
He moved his hands, running them up Jack's back.
"Because you're an idiot. You put up with me being an idiot. Actually tell me when I'm an idiot. Because I'm a foolish old man, and you know what that's like."
Jack moaned as the Doctor flicked his tongue in the groove beneath Jack's ear.
"Doctor..."
"Hmmm?"
"Shut up."
The Doctor smiled, surprised it had taken Jack so long, before losing his train of thought as Jack pushed him back against the TARDIS and made him shut up.
It wasn't hate sex, or make up sex, or any of those other types of sex humans were fond of labelling. It was none of those things and all of them. Both trying to find the scattered pieces of themselves, and remember how they fit together.
He pulled Jack into the TARDIS, fully intent on making Jack find new and imaginative ways to keep him quiet. He thrust aside the fleeting thought of how long it would be until they were right back where they started, how long until he pushed too far and found out just how much Jack could forgive, but not right now.
Now, he grinned like a fool and loosened the grip on his guilt, anger and emptiness. The Doctor took hold of Jack's hand, and they lost themselves in the wonders the universe had to offer, for as long as they could.
.......................