(no subject)
It's Sunday night, and I'm listening to Nina Simone. She has a wonderfully untrained voice, and her piano playing is phenomenal.
So I'm back from Holland. I've been back for exactly 5 months now, and I've been looking forward to this entry for a very long time. Now that I've re-entered American culture, what am I thinking?
First, I'd like to say that I am American (I have to say that or I'd be exiled), but I do not belong here. My heart beat harder and more passionately when I lived in Europe. I want that feeling again. Sure, student life was easy and amazing--lots of time to chill, or take 3 hours to cook a meal and wash the dishes afterward. Compare that to my life now: I get home from school by 5, if I'm lucky, and I'm hungry enough to eat anything that'll take less than 15 minutes to make, which rules out anything remotely delicious. If I have time to cook chicken breast and potatoes, it's either Martin Luther King Jr. Day or I've skipped my last class. I absolutely hate rushing, stressing, or freaking out about something unimportant; reading my journal from last year, I reminisced on the days when I spent hours drawing, smoking, and listening to music, then watching a movie in the evening or learning about linguistics. Sometimes I would dance around my room too, but, that had to stop after I tried to swing my leg over my table, sweeping everything onto the floor at an odd hour of the night. I confined my exercise to walking everywhere and the occasional improvisatory dance inspired by renowned artists such as Madonna or Radiohead or Fleetwood Mac.
And as an obvious admission, I realize that that kind of life is in no way comparable to an average person's. Though those moments of art and music changed me, they molded me permanently, I don't have any of those pleasures of life here in Illinois. Granted that this semester has prevented any sort of fun anyway, I have felt like a machine. All I do is go to class everyday, learn and regurge the info, play my instrument the minimal amount because I have no spiritual energy to spend on singing the music of my heart (I feel I have no fire to share), I was living a dream in Holland. I truly appreciate the self-exploration and approach of life I've learned to take from living there, but it was more than just what I did on my own that brought me to this point.
I mentioned all the other great qualities, 2 posts ago, and I still believe now what I believed then. I miss everything about living outside America. I never felt like the odd one out in Europe. There's so much variety in: body shape, clothing, language, thought: that I can still be the foreigner and feel comfortable. I don't love the American perspective on life, but I guess when I say that, I mean to say I don't like my perspective when I'm in America. I feel so selfish--I barely take care of myself, I find it difficult to imagine caring about anyone else. I hate that. In Europe, I would spend 30 minutes picking out the perfect flowers for one of my friends, or I'd pick up an extra pastry at the bakery because I wanted my friend to try one. Time slowed down. I even talked slower to everyone, and I was understood. Those Europeans and Asians with their acute listening skills, I always thought they were able to hear me because Americans don't understand the concept of a quiet conversation space and minding your own business. Whenever I went out to eat with my friends, even the native Dutch friends, we could sit at a table and it was as if we had that restaurant to ourselves, because we didn't care what other people were doing or talking about, and they didn't care about us--it was an agreed apathy that brought me a lot of peace, in general. I no longer felt like I was being surveilled in public.
Sure there are places in the U.S. where you can find places like this! I've grown up in the Midwest and South/Southwest...not a cultural mecca by any means. And though there has to be places in the U.S. that I'd like, anywhere else I have no such feeling of transformation as I associate with living abroad. I love language, and I love being alienated by it. I love not hearing it! I wish I could turn it off some days here in Illinois.
In the future, I plan to live outside of the States. And I mean it. There are people who forget to recycle, and then there are those that do so because they couldn't imagine it any other way. I can't ever forget how that year has changed me, and I can imagine no other alternative to living anywhere but here.
So I'm back from Holland. I've been back for exactly 5 months now, and I've been looking forward to this entry for a very long time. Now that I've re-entered American culture, what am I thinking?
First, I'd like to say that I am American (I have to say that or I'd be exiled), but I do not belong here. My heart beat harder and more passionately when I lived in Europe. I want that feeling again. Sure, student life was easy and amazing--lots of time to chill, or take 3 hours to cook a meal and wash the dishes afterward. Compare that to my life now: I get home from school by 5, if I'm lucky, and I'm hungry enough to eat anything that'll take less than 15 minutes to make, which rules out anything remotely delicious. If I have time to cook chicken breast and potatoes, it's either Martin Luther King Jr. Day or I've skipped my last class. I absolutely hate rushing, stressing, or freaking out about something unimportant; reading my journal from last year, I reminisced on the days when I spent hours drawing, smoking, and listening to music, then watching a movie in the evening or learning about linguistics. Sometimes I would dance around my room too, but, that had to stop after I tried to swing my leg over my table, sweeping everything onto the floor at an odd hour of the night. I confined my exercise to walking everywhere and the occasional improvisatory dance inspired by renowned artists such as Madonna or Radiohead or Fleetwood Mac.
And as an obvious admission, I realize that that kind of life is in no way comparable to an average person's. Though those moments of art and music changed me, they molded me permanently, I don't have any of those pleasures of life here in Illinois. Granted that this semester has prevented any sort of fun anyway, I have felt like a machine. All I do is go to class everyday, learn and regurge the info, play my instrument the minimal amount because I have no spiritual energy to spend on singing the music of my heart (I feel I have no fire to share), I was living a dream in Holland. I truly appreciate the self-exploration and approach of life I've learned to take from living there, but it was more than just what I did on my own that brought me to this point.
I mentioned all the other great qualities, 2 posts ago, and I still believe now what I believed then. I miss everything about living outside America. I never felt like the odd one out in Europe. There's so much variety in: body shape, clothing, language, thought: that I can still be the foreigner and feel comfortable. I don't love the American perspective on life, but I guess when I say that, I mean to say I don't like my perspective when I'm in America. I feel so selfish--I barely take care of myself, I find it difficult to imagine caring about anyone else. I hate that. In Europe, I would spend 30 minutes picking out the perfect flowers for one of my friends, or I'd pick up an extra pastry at the bakery because I wanted my friend to try one. Time slowed down. I even talked slower to everyone, and I was understood. Those Europeans and Asians with their acute listening skills, I always thought they were able to hear me because Americans don't understand the concept of a quiet conversation space and minding your own business. Whenever I went out to eat with my friends, even the native Dutch friends, we could sit at a table and it was as if we had that restaurant to ourselves, because we didn't care what other people were doing or talking about, and they didn't care about us--it was an agreed apathy that brought me a lot of peace, in general. I no longer felt like I was being surveilled in public.
Sure there are places in the U.S. where you can find places like this! I've grown up in the Midwest and South/Southwest...not a cultural mecca by any means. And though there has to be places in the U.S. that I'd like, anywhere else I have no such feeling of transformation as I associate with living abroad. I love language, and I love being alienated by it. I love not hearing it! I wish I could turn it off some days here in Illinois.
In the future, I plan to live outside of the States. And I mean it. There are people who forget to recycle, and then there are those that do so because they couldn't imagine it any other way. I can't ever forget how that year has changed me, and I can imagine no other alternative to living anywhere but here.