Personal
Sorry for saying something personal here but I just want to let this out.
If anyone ever read my fic entitled 'Only You', it was actually based on a true story with a few adjustments. It is my love story. There is a guy that I like. We don't talk at first but I do admire his cute face. But, that's all. And then I found out that he watched Japanese drama and we start to get close talking about Japanese drama and all. I know he had a girlfriend and almost getting married. I'm glad that he cancelled the wedding because I know the girl is horrible so I don't want him to suffer in case something wrong happens in the marriage. But now, I know I'm a horrible person for thinking about this but I wish he never cancel the wedding so that I won't have feelings for him. I used to be in love with someone but of course the guy is taken and I was still in the process of forgetting my first love when we become close. It happened after he cancelled the wedding. We were just friends but I don't know when did he makes me forget about my first love. Suddenly he is all I think about. If only his wedding was not cancelled, maybe I will not have to suffer now. At least, we won't be close as I know our limitation. I used to send a message to him every night. Sometimes, I don't even have anything to tell him but I just want to text him.
How Nino felt in the fic was what I felt. Getting confused in what to do with my feelings. When I start to think about him more and more, I put distance between us. It's hard to refrain myself from texting him. I don't want to be hurt again. I hate it when I am the only one who starts our conversation. I hate it when I'm the only one who remember about him. And he doesn't have to feel what I feel. The feeling of trying to forget someone. I don't even hanging out with anyone close to him anymore. I just don't want to be reminded of him. For more than a year, I've been trying to unlove him. Trying to act indifferent when I met him or someone mentioned him. But, why does today has to be different? Why do I felt like crying when someone mentioned him today? I hang out with a friend who reminds me of our life two years ago and why do I remember him the most? But of course I tried to held back ny tear because I don't want my friend to know my feelings for him. Gosh, I hate myself right now for thinking I may have make a progress in forgetting him but no. I still remember and love him.
How do you get over someone? How do you move on? It's hard. I'm not suitable for him, that is what I kept telling myself to prevent myself from thinking about him. But, at the same time, I want him. Gosh, I hate myself for having this feeling.
I wonder how it is to be in a relationship. I am surrounded by friends who kept on telling me about their boyfriend or the confessions that they have. In return, I told them about my imaginary boyfriend, Ninomiya Kazunari just to show them that I don't need boyfriend. And then they will tell me to stop being delusional. But, I'm not purposely being delusional. No one wants me so that's why I go to Arashi to fill this loneliness. It shows how much a loser I am. A guy once told me 5 yrs ago that the idea of me having a boyfriend is too hillarious and then last year someone told me that a probabilty of me having a boyfriend is zero. Of course I act tough in front of them but deep inside I was hurt. Am I too ugly? Am I too fat? Am I too bad? Probably it's true and that will explain why am I still boyfriendless.
I accept long time ago that I will be forever alone. But, sometimes, it's just too unbearable that I can't stop crying. I kept on telling myself that it will be okay to be alone. But, I know deep inside, I cannot bear the thought of being alone. Oh, God give me strength to move on and forget him.
Sorry for bothering anyone who accidentally read this