keep driving
its funny how one really good/simple night can change your idea of things. i was recently listening to keisha cole, a soul singer, talk about some of her songs and i noticed we figured out some of the same things. She said that the biggest challenge in her life was to realize that you cant force someone to love you. i realized i was coming to that same conclusion recently. people have endless and no (none?) influence on one another. we can make one another feel awful yet what does that really accomplish? i keep worrying about the fact that maybe i care more about colton than he cares about me but ive become aware of that i cant change that. maybe that sounds really sad but ive realized its ok. i realize that i have all my other friends in my life that i care about who equally care for me. i have so much fun just hanging out with everyone here. i thank god that hollis is in our group of friends because without her id be lost! she really looks out for me and i really appreciate that. maybe i am not as funny or as bitchy as amanda but i certainly know im just as good, even if other people don't realize that. as i was crying on my couch last weekend i came to that conclusion. i came to the conclusion that im sick of letting people make me feel like shit. im not going to anymore. somewhere deep inside me i know im as good as other people. i know i deserve decent friendship and love just as everyone else does. i have people in my life who i care about and who care about me and i know that they wont be the last i love or who love me. this gives me hope. as i watched my friends slide around drunkely in chairs around the dorm cafeteria tonight i couldnt help but laugh and feel hopeful. i realized watching them pretend to be in rascals and making friends with random girls that i care so much about these people. they make me laugh like no one else and even if they dont care as much as i would like its ok. i can still enjoy their company and care for them. maybe this sounds sad but it isnt. its the end of bad feelings. its the beginning of something new.