make thee another self for love of me (3/6)
Title: make the another self for love of me
Fandom/Pairing: Doctor Who, River/Doctor
Rating: M
Wordcount: 36,853
Warnings: human!AU
Summary: “I’m not getting any younger, am I? And I may never meet a man I want to spend the rest of my life with, let alone raise children with, and even if I do, well it’ll be too late. I’ve always wanted children. And I thought, you know, why wait? I can do it on my own perfectly fine."
Amy had been thrilled, of course. She’d known straight off - had later told River that the expressions on their faces had been enough to give them away long before they reached the table. River had set up a bi-weekly standing evening appointment with Martha, who felt that due to her age, they would need more appointments than usual - just to keep an eye on things.
River lay in bed that Saturday, unsure and wide awake, her hands laced over her belly as she contemplated the lines of her ceiling and the thought of a baby. She alternated between overjoyed and terrified so often, she wasn’t sure what she was feeling. A baby. An actual real baby. With John’s eyes, and her nose. Preferably her chin too, now that she thought about it - but really she loved it on him.
Maybe it was all in her head, but she could feel changes in her body already. How was that even possible? But she could, her breasts felt more sensitive when she brushed her hands over them, and she was having the slight issue of not being able to stop thinking about sex. Specifically, sex with John. “Like I’m a bloody teenager.” She groaned, reaching for her pillow and burying her face in it. She blamed hormones, but really she wondered if that was actually true. Or if this was just her. And now that she knew what his hands felt like against her skin - his mouth and his- she moaned into the pillow in frustration as her doorbell rang.
She glanced at the clock - it was almost nine. She dragged herself out of bed, padding down the hall to open the door. John grinned at her and she felt her heart leap before she scowled and turned toward her kitchen, leaving the door hanging open behind her. “Good morning to you too.” He called after her as he shut the door behind him and followed her.
Once he joined her in the kitchen, she shoved a key into his hand. “Here.”
“What - what?”
“If you’re going to insist on showing up here at all hours, you can just start letting yourself in. It’s probably a good idea anyway. Amy has an emergency key - but I just thought-” She faltered and he grinned brightly.
“No it’s brilliant. And I brought you fresh muffins, so it’s not like I’m dragging you out of bed without incentive. Blueberry. Which are rich in anti-oxidants and-” She grabbed the bag, moving over to sit at her table, pulling one leg up and opening it eagerly. She wasn’t sure exactly when morning sickness would start, but she was hungry enough now. “Yes, right. Well, cute pyjamas, by the way.” He laughed and moved over to the kettle, filling it and putting it on the range.
“Oh shut up.” She mumbled around a mouthful of muffin, glancing down at the shorts she wore, with tiny sheep prancing across them. She suddenly realised she hadn’t grabbed a robe and was currently in very short shorts and a tank top. With no bra. She dropped her leg and sat up properly, suddenly self-conscious. But she liked that he was looking. A tension settled low in her belly and she squirmed in her seat. He dropped into the chair next to hers with a laugh.
“Oh covering up now, are we Song? I’ve seen it all, you know.” He pointed out with a grin and nodding at the bag. “If I attempt to have one of those, are you gonna attack me like a wild animal or something?”
“I am not a wild animal.” She said with a roll of her eyes as she nudged the bag in his direction and he took a muffin out with a shrug.
“I dunno, what with the hair and all...” He trailed off as she kicked him under the table, wincing afterward, because really - she had no shoes on and it hurt.
“Why are you here? Not that I mind because you brought me food, but...”
He ducked his head, concentrating for a moment on pulling chunks of the baked treat in front of him off and popping them into his mouth. “Just thought I’d bring you breakfast. Check on you, you know.” He shrugged and she smiled at the top of his head.
“You saw me at work yesterday, and at Amy’s last night, John.”
“Well yes, but I just - I don’t know. I thought of you this morning and thought I’d check in.” He glanced up with a sheepish grin, his eyes bright. “I’ve been thinking about it a lot you know. Almost constantly, actually.” His eyes dropped to her waist and she grinned in response, while feeling that warmth diffuse across her skin as he stared at her. She breathed in deeply, trying to center her thoughts.
“Me too.” She confessed. “I just keep picturing it, and sort of going from disbelief to amazement. I didn’t think - it’s all so fast.”
“It’ll seem slow soon enough.” He smiled at her before popping the last of his muffin in his mouth and chewing thoughtfully. “I thought we could go out today - book store maybe, I’m not sure what you have, but I’d - I mean I’d like something about the baby’s development so I can know where you are. Where you know - he or she is. I mean, you don’t have to come with me, but I thought-”
“It’s fine.” She smiled, cutting across his waffling explanation. She stretched her arms above her head and nodded. “It’s a great idea actually. Maybe we can see if Amy and Rory want to meet us later? After noon though - Amy is liable to bite your head off if you wake her early.” She grinned and relaxed her body, looking over at him in time to catch his gaze on her, dark and hungry. She felt a shiver run through her, and instantly scolded herself for it. She couldn’t think of him like that. He’d done what he set out to do, and she should be grateful for it. “I’ll just go get changed, shall I?” She asked brightly, and didn’t wait for a response as she jumped up from the table.
He had tea waiting when she emerged - decaf for both of them, and she smiled in thanks as they drank it before heading out.
She soon found herself curled into a leather sofa at her local bookstore, leafing through several different pregnancy books. She glanced through most, but one in particular caught her eye, with detailed weekly reports for every stage of pregnancy. It covered symptoms, development, issues and common side effects that might arise. She was reading week four, her skin flushing as she read the section about heightened sensitivity and sex drive.
“I found one specifically for Dads, look.” John threw himself into the sofa right beside her - it was a small seat, so there was nowhere else for him to go, really. He was waving a book about under her nose and she looked up from her reading with a smile.
“Is it any good?” She leaned closer to dutifully inspect the book, inhaling as she did so and feeling her skin tingle at the scent of him. Oh God. She wasn’t going to be able to handle this. The book in her hand said that every woman reacted differently to the hormones rushing through their body. Some felt turned off by sex, and experienced a significant lowering of their sex drive, while other women’s sex drives were heightened, along with their sensitivity which could plausibly lead to more frequent orgasms. River could see it actually - she was so keyed up, it probably wouldn’t take much. Naturally she couldn’t be one of those women who were repulsed by sex during pregnancy. She frowned and John cleared his throat. She looked up to see him watching her with amusement.
“Back with us then, are you?” His brows lifted in question and she flushed.
“Sorry - I was thinking.”
“’Bout what?” He grinned at her and she froze, he was far too close and she could feel the body heat radiating off of him, and smell him and oh god, she was going to spend half this pregnancy locked in her bedroom touching herself. She bit her lip at the aching thought of it, her mind naturally providing far more interesting images of him touching her and-
“Something I read. Sorry - what did you say?” She managed to squeak the words out, easing back slightly as if distance could help. She prayed it would help anyway.
“I said it looks great - it’s got week by week stuff here, and I just read week two-”
“I’m at week four though.” She pointed out and he frowned.
“That’s not possible, I mean we only... it was just over two weeks ago-” His brow furrowed adorably and his hair fell into his eyes and her hand actually twitched against the cover of her book. She almost lifted it to brush his hair back when he did it himself, with a toss of his head.
“Yeah but they count from last cycle, not implantation. Which is weird I know, it’s like you’re two weeks pregnant before you’re really pregnant but I didn’t invent the system. So yeah. Four weeks.” She managed to not ramble too much and he nodded, flipping ahead in his book.
“Alright then. Okay it says... um, sense of smell is heightened - I did not know that. Go out while you can, be sensitive to her needs, pick up more house chores - which speaking of, are you going to have someone come in? Because we can do that - I mean I can have someone help with that stuff.” He pointed out and she laughed, touched by the fact that he’d thought of it at all.
“Oh sweetie, I have a woman who comes in once a week to do all the heavy stuff. I work far too hard to spend my off hours scrubbing floors.” He frowned at that and glanced at her.
“I did not know that. How did I not know that?”
“She comes on Fridays, during the morning. Did you think my house was just magically clean all the time?” She teased him and he shrugged.
“Never really thought about it, to be honest. Okay,” he glanced over the page in front of him, “it says practice backrubs, but be sure she wants you to touch her, since some women don’t. Alternately it warns to be prepared for an increase in - oh.”
“What?” She asked with curiosity, her head tilting as she tried to read over his shoulder.
“Not important, really. Mostly it says to enjoy the time before morning sickness while you can.” He closed the book and fidgeted with the cover for a moment. “I think I’m going to get this one. Have you found one you liked?”
She nodded, holding up her own book. “I like it - it shows weekly images of the pregnancy, which is nice. Even though it looks like - well not a baby right now, it did mention that the central nervous system is being built as we speak, and the heart is forming.” She nodded and his eyes dropped to her stomach in surprise.
“That’s kind of crazy to think about. There’s a heart forming. Inside of you. You have two hearts right now. Sort of.” He pointed out and she laughed, her hand sliding over her belly as she stared down at it. Perfectly flat. Not for much longer though.
“It is weird to think about, especially since there isn’t any - you know, outward signs? I don’t know.” She laughed softly and he leaned over, his hand sliding over hers.
“Is - sorry - is it okay if I-”
“Oh god yes, you can - can touch me whenever you’d like.” She moved her hand from under his, leaving his palm flat against her belly, and oh god he felt so warm and heavy and just - she finally realised what she had just said and flushed profusely, dropping her head in embarrassment.
His fingers stroked along her stomach lightly and he grinned. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
xx
“I am going insane.” River flung herself onto Amy’s office couch three weeks later, with a dramatic sigh. “No wait. Let me close and lock the door first.” She sat up, shutting Amy’s door and locking it. When she turned around Amy had an amused expression on her face.
“I don’t know if Rory would approve. Well. Unless he got to watch.” She grinned and River rolled her eyes at her friend.
“Oh shut up, I don’t want to shag you.”
“Yeah you do, you big lesbo. I’m irresistible.” Amy fawned over herself and River laughed, sitting down. “Plus you’re so hormonal right now you’d probably shag a stick.”
“I hate you.” River pouted and Amy laughed, getting up and joining her on the sofa, wrapping an arm around her.
“Aww, come on then, tell Amy all about it.” She spoke is a teasing tone, but her one-armed hug was sincere and River sighed. “How are you feeling then?”
“Miraculously - still no morning sickness. I’ve no idea what’s up with that, but Martha said at our last appointment that some women get it in their second trimester, or third, or not at all. I’m rather hoping for the latter, that would be fantastic. I could nap just about always though.” She huffed out a breath and Amy looked at her sympathetically.
“Then what’s wrong?”
“Stupid hormones.” River muttered and Amy laughed, hugging her closer.
“Awww.”
“I cannot stop thinking about sex Amy. I dream about it - every night. Insanely vivid dreams and I wake up alone and... and... god, I feel ridiculously desperate. And it doesn’t help that John-” Amy sat up straighter at that, turning to face River and leaning forward.
“Finally. What’s he doing then?”
“Nothing. He’s just - it’s sweet really because he’s around so much more. But he’s... well you know how I feel - that I’m-”
“Attracted to him? Want to shag his brains out? Oh, do tell. Except not specific details because it’s the Doctor and you know I already think you’re insane.” Amy bounced slightly and River rolled her eyes.
“I’m just hormonal.”
“And horny.” Amy pointed out helpfully. River stared at her for a moment before continuing.
“And he’s always around. And I just - he looks - and I’m - good god it is terrible.” She dared not mention the fact that already having been intimate with him really didn’t help matters.
“So if he wants to help so much, you should ask him to help with that too.” Amy grinned and River shoved her shoulder in retribution. “What? I bet he’d be willing, you know he’s always thought you were gorgeous. People don’t flirt the way you two do without mutual attraction. Though you’ve both been flirting less, it’s odd.”
“Probably because who in their right mind finds pregnant women hot?” River scowled and Amy laughed out loud.
“Oh please, you’re not even showing yet. The only physical change is that your boobs are bigger - bonus; and your hair is somehow even more magnificent. Shouldn’t even be possible, really, but there it is. Besides I thought men were like, hard wired to find you know - their woman, all full of child insanely hot or something?” Amy scoffed and River clutched her stomach, laughing so hard she almost fell off the couch.
“Oh god.”
“I read it somewhere- it’s true. So just - you know. What? Your next appointment is before dinner on Friday right? So have your appointment, ask your doctor about your insane sex dreams in front of him, we have dinner, Rory and I leave and BAM you two shag like bunnies. Problem solved!” Amy held her hands up and River rolled her eyes.
“We can’t just shag for no reason. Things are complicated enough with the baby as it is. He’s young, Amy and he deserves so much better than me. A woman he can marry and have a family with, who’s his own age and sleeping together is just asking for ridiculous emotional attachments.” Amy eyed her carefully throughout her speech and frowned.
“You know what I just heard?” She arched a brow and leaned toward River. “A load of reasons why he shouldn’t become emotionally attached to you and not a single one about your feelings for him. This is what I think - you’re already attached River. He’s the father of your child, and one of your best friends, and you find him sexy as hell - god knows why. And you are terrified that he would never feel the same. And that is stupid. Because let’s look at what you just said. He deserves a woman he can marry and have a family with. Well, look who’s up the duff - he’s having a family. With you, you moron. And he could marry you if you’d just take a leap of faith and see if it works out. Your baby could have two parents who love each other, and are together in every sense of the word, and for the last time, I honestly don’t think age even matters. Not if you’re in love.”
“We’re not in love though Amy. And what if I do that - what if I jump in and try and none of it works out? What then? We’re having a baby and I can’t risk this child’s future happiness because I’m hormonal and really want a shag! The baby comes first now.” She stood as she spoke, pacing in agitation and Amy shook her head.
“I think if it didn’t work out - which, for the record is not what I think would happen. I think you’re both perfect for each other and too bloody stupid and stubborn to see it. I think if it didn’t though, that you’re both grown up enough and good enough friends that you could work it out between the pair of you. But I’m just your best friend, so what would I know?” Amy sat back with a huff and River stared at her in shock.
“It wouldn’t work. He wouldn’t want me, anyway. Not like that. Not seriously.”
“You’ll never know, will you? Because you’re too scared to ask, River.” Amy pointed out softly. “What if - crazy idea here - but what if he’s too scared to ask too? You both are ridiculous.”
“He’s not.”
“You won’t know until you try.”
“I’m not trying.” River shook her head and Amy rolled her eyes.
“Can you go mad from sexual frustration? I wonder. Guess we’ll find out, huh?” River glared at her and dropped her head against the back of the couch.
“You are the worst friend ever.”
“Oh I am not. If it does drive you insane - well, you’re hot, so I’ll pitch in. But we have to film it. You know. For Rory.” They both dissolved into laughter at that, and when River left Amy’s office, she still had tears in her eyes from it.
xx
Four weeks later, River was wondering if maybe Amy hadn’t been right. She was clearly going insane. Her moods swung from one extreme to another, though she tried her best to not show it. The dreams had only increased in intensity, and for all the dream sex she’d been having, she thought she’d have been left waking up satisfied, but no. She felt raw and aching and empty every morning.
She just needed to get a grip, was all. She’d read in her baby book that this week the placenta would finish forming and start taking over hormone production, thus giving her a break, but it was hardly comfort as she sat on her kitchen floor, weeping.
She’d made tea. She’d just wanted a cup of tea, but she’d discovered that she’d run out of milk - and while that probably wasn’t much a of an issue, it felt - it felt - she laughed and dropped her head back against the cupboards. “God!”
She pulled her knees in to her chest and dropped her head to rest against them, hugging her arms around them as she cried. There was a muffled thump out in the hall and the clatter of running feet. “Oh my god, River, what is it - what’s wrong? Is it the baby?!” She looked up to see John sliding into the kitchen, a look of pure panic and terror on his face as he dropped to his knees before her.
“No!” She shook her head, feeling absolutely awful for making him worry, which of course only caused her to cry harder. “No - the baby’s fine. It’s me. I am god damn insane. Look at me. Oh god - I’m sorry. I’m so sorry - I didn’t mean to scare you.” She spoke through her tears and he calmed down, looking at her sympathetically. “I just can’t seem to stop, is the thing.”
He shushed her, pulling her into his arms and hugging her and she swallowed, her shoulders still shaking as she buried her face by his neck. His bowtie brushed against her cheek and she reached a hand up, wrapping her fingers around it like it could soothe her. “Shhh. Hush - it’s okay. Come on, tell me whatever’s upset you, and I’ll fix it, alright?”
“It’s stupid.” She buried her face further and he chuckled, his palms sweeping along her back gently.
“I’ve no doubt, but I promise not to laugh.” She let out a small laugh at that, and shook her head. Pulling back she looked up at him and sniffled.
“I’m out of milk.” He stared down at her for a beat, and the corner of his mouth twitched. He closed his eyes for a moment, and took a deep breath.
“You wanted tea?”
“I wanted tea.” She confirmed and he ran a hand over her hair, leaning forward to press a kiss to the top of her head, as though she were a small child. She felt a sense of calm steal through her at that action. Oddly enough - though they’d now slept together and she was currently pregnant with his child, it felt like he actually touched her less now. She’d missed it. Even if the feel of his hands on her back was sending all sorts of tingles through her skin and sliding down her spin. She arched into the touch and he stood up, reaching a hand down and pulling her up.
“Okay. I can fix that. Watch me - Mr. Fix-it. Come along.” He pulled her down the hall to her bedroom and even though she knew that he wasn’t hitting on her, her heart rate felt like it tripled as soon as they stepped over the threshold. He sat her on the edge of her bed, before moving over to her en suite. She heard running water and he came back, shirt sleeves rolled up over his forearms. She stared at the line of his arms, wrists and hands for a moment, her breathing shallow. “Okay, you - get in the bath. I am going to run to Tesco and get a pint of milk, and by the time you get out, I will have tea waiting for you, alright?”
Ridiculously, she felt her heart swell in her chest as she looked up at him, tears in her eyes. She felt dangerously close to confessing something stupid, such as the fact that she’d just been staring at his hands, imagining them buried inside of her, or that she thought she might be halfway in love with him, and by halfway she really meant so far past all the way it was ridiculous. Instead she licked her lips, swallowed and nodded as he dropped another kiss to the top of her head.
“I’ll be right back.” His hand brushed against her shoulder and he left the room, leaving her to wander into the bathroom. He’d put unscented oil in the water - she could see the gleam of it on the surface, and the bottle was on the edge of her tub. She frowned - because she didn’t own any unscented oil, but she looked at the bottle as she waited for the tub to fill. It was labelled as unscented massage oil and she realized he must have picked it up at some point and left it for her in her bathroom. Startled, she looked under the sink to see other things she’d not bought. Epsom salts and unscented lotion - a tube of lanolin cream, and a bottle of something that proclaimed on the label to help ease stretch marks.
“Oh god, I’m going to bloody fall in love with him.” She whispered to herself as she stared at the contents. Standing, she pressed a hand against her stomach - finally starting to curve ever so slightly. It wasn’t noticeable to anyone but her, but she could feel a certain change there, she thought. She stripped off, turning the taps off and stepping into the perfectly warm water. “Of course it’s perfect. Of course it is.” She glanced down as she soaked, letting the warm water ease the tension from her shoulders and back. “I think, baby, I may have made the best choice for you. Your Dad is going to be fantastic. You’ll love him very much. It’s just the slight problem of the fact that I think I may love him too.” She slid her hands over her abdomen as she spoke. She knew, practically, that the baby couldn’t hear her yet - but she loved to talk out loud to her, regardless.
“I know, I know, you probably think that’s not a bad thing. Your Aunt Amy certainly doesn’t, at any rate - but your Daddy is wonderful. And he deserves someone he loves, and I want that for him. But I’m selfish - and I don’t know what the hell Mommy was thinking. What am I going to do when he finds someone who looks at him and realizes what a god damn prize he is? It’s probably good you can’t hear me - you shouldn’t swear like this.” She lifted her legs, sinking deeper into the water and curling her toes over the edge of the tub.
She rubbed her stomach absent-mindedly and sighed. She soaked in the tub quietly for another few moments and finally pulled the plug, climbing out and wrapping a towel around herself. He skin was slick with the residue of the oil and she stepped carefully across the tiled floor, entering her room just as John was coming in, two mugs in his hands. “Oh, sorry! But look, tea!” He held up the mug with a grin and she sat on the edge of her bed, tucking her towel around her and holding out her hands to take it.
The liquid was hot and soothing and milky, and she sighed in content as he sat next to her. “Better?” He asked, sipping his own tea and she nodded with a smile.
“I am so sorry - I don’t know what - I completely lost it out there.” She winced apologetically and he shook his head, smoothing his free hand over her shoulders.
“Ah no, it’s just hormones. That’s fine, River - it’s not your fault.”
“You are just being really very fantastic through all this, and I am being this insane bundle of horridness.” She frowned, putting her tea on the nightstand and turning to face him. His eyes dropped for a fraction of a second before he looked up at her face intently.
“No, you’re not. And you’ve actually yet to yell at me, so I fail to see how you being emotional makes you horrid. You’re fine - better than fine, you’re amazing. You’re - you know - building a baby in there. It’s okay if you cry over milk sometimes, so long as you promise to call me for this stuff, because I can fix it.” He leaned across her, putting his mug next to hers and when he pulled back he rested his hands along the side of her neck, his expression serious.
“You can’t fix everything, John.” She pointed out in a soft voice, thinking of her earlier thoughts in the bath. He couldn’t fix that.
“You watch me, River.” His hands slid along her shoulders, his fingers pressing down slightly and dragging along the muscles there. She moaned a bit, instinctively leaning forward. She rested her forehead against his shoulder and his hands swept over the tops of her shoulder blades. “Lie down; I’ll rub your back.” His voice was a hoarse whisper, and she froze, the sound of it causing her to squirm, her skin flushing and her heart rate increasing. Her body moved as if on auto-pilot, lying carefully on her stomach, and he tugged the towel down until it was at her waist. “Is that okay?”
It was just her back, she told herself. Well, her front too but that was pressed into the bed so she nodded. “That’s fine.” She spoke, and then his weight shifted behind her and she couldn’t string a thought together after that because his hands were smoothing across her back like magic. She groaned, pressing her face into the mattress, and he chuckled.
“Feels good then?” He teased her as his hands slipped across her slick skin, and she felt each stroke against her skin, a soothing pressure that seemed to ignite a low fire within her belly. His fingers danced down her spine, across her shoulders and ribs, and she pressed her hips into the duvet below them, squeezing her legs together in a futile attempt to sooth the ache growing between them.
“Oh god.” She moaned the words out of frustration and bliss, and he shifted until one knee was on either side of her thighs. He didn’t sit down, but rather hovered over her, his hands continuing to knead at the muscles in her back, his thumbs pressing into her lower back and sliding along either side of her spine as he pushed his hands up to her shoulders.
Her own hands fisted in the bedding below them and when his hands slid to her sides to pull down her ribs, his fingers brushed against the sides of her breasts and she gasped out loud. He froze for a moment, his palms flat against her lower ribs. “River.” He whispered her name and she closed her eyes.
“Again.” She spoke in a low voice and his breathing pattern changed behind her, his hands moving up and dragging along her skin with slow deliberateness. His fingers curled against the soft skin of the side of her breast and she moaned, her hips lifting from the bed. He reached up once more, but this time he swept her hair to one side, smoothing his hands along her shoulders.
She felt his weight shift and then felt his mouth against the side of her neck, kissing her softly. It was a sweet, simple kiss - barely the brush of his lips against her skin but she felt an electric current race through her entire body - her nipples hardened against the duvet, and she felt the dampness between her thighs increase, along with the throbbing aching need she felt nearly constantly. He kissed her again, against the nape of her neck this time and she whinged in a breathy tone, her hands clutching the duvet as she arched her back in invitation. He took it - pressing soft kisses all the way down her spine until she was all but panting with need below him, and all he had done was kiss her. He lifted his body over hers, kissing the skin below and just behind her ear as she fought to control her breathing. “If you want me to stop you have to tell me.” His voice was a low growl by her ear and she finally opened her eyes, rolling over underneath him.
“Don’t you dare.” His eyes were dark and she pulled him down to her, her mouth meeting his and she almost wept with joy over the taste of him in her mouth once more. His hands slid over her ribs as he kissed her, fingers brushing against the underside of her breasts as she moaned into his mouth. Her hands threaded through his hair, pulling him closer but he resisted. She pulled back with a frown. “What’s the mat-” His fingers circled her nipples, causing her to gasp mid-question and he smiled.
“I just don’t want to crush you.” He pointed out, lowering his head and pressing kisses along the side of her throat, before moving down and dipping his tongue into the hollow of her throat. Her hands in his hair tightened and she arched below him.
“You won’t, you daft man.” She laughed and ended on a hitching sigh as his head hovered over her breast and his tongue swept across the sensitive skin gently, teasingly. She moaned and he kissed the tip.
“Tell me if anything is too much - I know it’s sensitive.” He whispered the words against her skin before pulling her nipple into his mouth and sucking gently.
“Oh god.” She clutched at his shoulders, writhing below him, and she wanted- she wanted him - just so deep inside of her she couldn’t tell who ended where, she wanted to feel the length of him and his skin against hers, the heat and hardness of him wrapped within her, his heart beating over hers and-
“Oh god River, you have to stop or I’m going to end this before it’s begun.” He moaned against the skin of her breast and she blinked - startled to realize she’d been talking out loud. He continued kissing down over her ribs, his tongue bumping over each one even as he shifted his weight to the left, his other hand tugging the towel from her body and tossing it aside. When he reached her belly he paused, his palm sliding over the skin and a wondrous expression on his face. “You’re showing already?”
She smiled down at him and nodded. “I mean it’s not noticeable-”
“Yes, it is.” He breathed the words out, moving his hand and pressing a soft kiss to her skin. “Hello, baby.” She felt tears fill her eyes and she had to look away for a moment as he kissed her there again. The expression of love on his face simultaneously filled her with overwhelming joy and jealousy. She felt him murmur three words into the skin there - and she knew - she knew what they were and she wished they were for her, so badly. Instead she closed her eyes and laced a hand through his hair, and waited.
Eventually his mouth wandered further, to her hips, the indent of her waist. Her breathing sped up again and he pressed kisses to the tops of her thighs, and they eased apart instinctively. “Oh you are stunning.” He breathed the words out before pressing a soft kiss to her inner thigh. “I bet it’s been driving you mad, hmm? All those hormones.” His hand slid slowly up the inside of her thigh and she nodded, whimpering.
“Please, John.” She couldn’t even believe she’d said it but his fingers stroked all the way up to the crease where her hip met thigh and he slid them through the curls there. She sighed when he slid them into her. “Yes.”
His fingers curled within her and his thumb pressed against her clit as he kissed her hip, watching her face intently. He had her writhing beneath him within mere moments and she was flying higher and higher - so high, but she was suddenly gripped by the desire to not orgasm just yet. She pulled away, scrambling from under him and he looked at her in shock. “River?”
“Shh.” She crawled over to him kissing him fiercely, her hands yanking his bowtie undone and shoving his braces down over his shoulders. Her hands all but flew down his shirt, unbuttoning as she thrust her tongue into his mouth and he moaned, his hands gripping her hips tightly. “I want you inside of me. Right now.”
“But what if it’s - is it safe?” She laughed at his question, tugging his shirt off of his back and tossing it aside before she attacked his trousers with renewed vigour. She had them undone and peeled off him before he could even protest and she pressed kisses across his chest.
“You daft man.” She punctuated each word with a kiss, and some with a nip of her teeth that caused him to tense and suck in a breath. “You’ve read the books, you know it’s fine.” She ran her tongue along his soft belly, dipping it into his belly button and he giggled at that - a joyous sound that made her smile against his hip. She was just about to lower her mouth when he gripped her shoulders, dragging her up against his body.
“No, no, no - jesus just you talking earlier almost made me come in my pants, River - there is no way - come here.” His hands buried themselves in her hair and he kissed her then, slow and thorough, his tongue dancing in and out of her mouth as she gripped his biceps and sighed into his mouth. She swung one leg over his hip and hovered above him. She could feel his hips rising beneath hers, straining to reach her and she pulled back, sitting up straight and lowering herself onto him with a satisfied sigh. This. This was what she’d been longing for. This feeling. “Oh god, River.”
“Mmmm.” She hummed in agreement and began to roll her hips over his, each slide forward pressed her clit against his pelvic bone and she gasped, moving faster. Her hands were braced against his chest and he had one hand gripping her hips while the other reached up, caressing first one breast and then the other, pinching her nipples as she cried out, moving faster and faster and faster. “God you feel amazing.” She moaned the words out and he grinned below her.
“That’s my line. Oh, River - you are - god damn-” She felt herself rise higher and higher and higher - her denial of her earlier orgasm combined with her sensitivity just seemed to push her to places she’d never ever been before. “Come on, come on.” His hips were rising to meet hers now and he was chanting below her, both his hands on her hips now as he gripped her carefully, pushing her further down on the downward strokes and grinding her against him. “River.” His eyes met hers and she leaned forward, giving him control of their hips while she buried her hands in his hair and kissed the hell out of him. His pace picked up, his hands gripping her and grinding her hips against his. Her breasts dragged across his chest and her clit ground against him. She cried out at the overload of sensation, he was everywhere at once, and it all crashed over her in the most intense orgasm she’d ever experienced. Her limbs shook and she dropped her head into his throat, biting down as he followed her with a shout of her name.
She could feel his heartbeat thundering through her chest, keeping time with her own and she sighed, her limbs still shaking as she attempted to catch her breath, her weight collapsed against him. She rolled herself off of him, tucked against his side and still shaking. “River? Oh - oh - River? Are you okay?!” His voice sounded slightly panicked and she shook her head, lifting a shaking hand to press against her mouth. “Why are you crying?” She hadn’t even realized she was, actually but she brushed her fingers against her face and felt the wetness.
“No, no-” She managed to get out, shaking her head. “Not - not bad tears I just - I don’t know. I just felt- it all felt - it was a lot and I just-” She shook her head, trying to breathe properly and calm her racing heart. Her frowned but wrapped his arms around her, pulling her tighter and pressing a kiss on the top of her head, before moving down to her temple, forehead and cheeks. Finally he kissed her mouth, soft and sweet and she sighed, her trembling finally subsiding.
“This was not what I expected today.” He chuckled against her skin and she laughed, smacking his chest.
“Oh god, poor you - I’m clearly a basket case-”
“You are gorgeous. And have a lot happening chemically speaking. And as for this round of tears - well, it was pretty amazing, I damn near cried myself.” She laughed at that and he scooted down the bed, until his head was by her shoulder and his hands were flat against her belly. “Are you okay with this - I feel like I - like I took advantage. I didn’t mean to - well I did a bit but I just wanted to help you...” His hands stroked her skin softly and he looked up at her nervously.
“I’ve been having dreams.” She confessed softly, running a hand through his hair. “Every night - so vivid, and it’s always you and I and-” She bit her lip and glanced down at him nervously.
He propped himself up on one elbow, looking down at her thoughtfully. “You know, I mean, I did say I’d be here for everything. And well - we’re friends right? Best friends.” She swallowed at that, nodding in agreement and dropping her gaze between them to his hand on the soft swell of her stomach. They were friends. It was all he’d signed up for, and she had to remember that. Even if he did find her attractive - it wasn’t worth the risk to their long-term relationship. They had this baby to think of. “I don’t see why we can’t be friends, and have this baby, and have this too.”
Her heart froze in her chest and started pounding. She could - was she foolish for thinking she could take what she could get from him before she lost him eventually to someone who would offer him the life he deserved? They could stay friends. They could - so long as she made sure they stayed friends. She looked at him and found him studying her intently, biting his lip as he looked at her. She smiled brightly, tucking all her worries and doubt at the back of her mind. “I’d like that.”
“You would?” His grin was breathtaking and she felt her heart stutter in her chest. She knew this was going to hurt. She knew it would end amicably, and he would move on and she would never, ever, ever let him know how she felt. But she could have this. These memories, and this feeling, and their child.
It would be enough.
(4/6)
Fandom/Pairing: Doctor Who, River/Doctor
Rating: M
Wordcount: 36,853
Warnings: human!AU
Summary: “I’m not getting any younger, am I? And I may never meet a man I want to spend the rest of my life with, let alone raise children with, and even if I do, well it’ll be too late. I’ve always wanted children. And I thought, you know, why wait? I can do it on my own perfectly fine."
Amy had been thrilled, of course. She’d known straight off - had later told River that the expressions on their faces had been enough to give them away long before they reached the table. River had set up a bi-weekly standing evening appointment with Martha, who felt that due to her age, they would need more appointments than usual - just to keep an eye on things.
River lay in bed that Saturday, unsure and wide awake, her hands laced over her belly as she contemplated the lines of her ceiling and the thought of a baby. She alternated between overjoyed and terrified so often, she wasn’t sure what she was feeling. A baby. An actual real baby. With John’s eyes, and her nose. Preferably her chin too, now that she thought about it - but really she loved it on him.
Maybe it was all in her head, but she could feel changes in her body already. How was that even possible? But she could, her breasts felt more sensitive when she brushed her hands over them, and she was having the slight issue of not being able to stop thinking about sex. Specifically, sex with John. “Like I’m a bloody teenager.” She groaned, reaching for her pillow and burying her face in it. She blamed hormones, but really she wondered if that was actually true. Or if this was just her. And now that she knew what his hands felt like against her skin - his mouth and his- she moaned into the pillow in frustration as her doorbell rang.
She glanced at the clock - it was almost nine. She dragged herself out of bed, padding down the hall to open the door. John grinned at her and she felt her heart leap before she scowled and turned toward her kitchen, leaving the door hanging open behind her. “Good morning to you too.” He called after her as he shut the door behind him and followed her.
Once he joined her in the kitchen, she shoved a key into his hand. “Here.”
“What - what?”
“If you’re going to insist on showing up here at all hours, you can just start letting yourself in. It’s probably a good idea anyway. Amy has an emergency key - but I just thought-” She faltered and he grinned brightly.
“No it’s brilliant. And I brought you fresh muffins, so it’s not like I’m dragging you out of bed without incentive. Blueberry. Which are rich in anti-oxidants and-” She grabbed the bag, moving over to sit at her table, pulling one leg up and opening it eagerly. She wasn’t sure exactly when morning sickness would start, but she was hungry enough now. “Yes, right. Well, cute pyjamas, by the way.” He laughed and moved over to the kettle, filling it and putting it on the range.
“Oh shut up.” She mumbled around a mouthful of muffin, glancing down at the shorts she wore, with tiny sheep prancing across them. She suddenly realised she hadn’t grabbed a robe and was currently in very short shorts and a tank top. With no bra. She dropped her leg and sat up properly, suddenly self-conscious. But she liked that he was looking. A tension settled low in her belly and she squirmed in her seat. He dropped into the chair next to hers with a laugh.
“Oh covering up now, are we Song? I’ve seen it all, you know.” He pointed out with a grin and nodding at the bag. “If I attempt to have one of those, are you gonna attack me like a wild animal or something?”
“I am not a wild animal.” She said with a roll of her eyes as she nudged the bag in his direction and he took a muffin out with a shrug.
“I dunno, what with the hair and all...” He trailed off as she kicked him under the table, wincing afterward, because really - she had no shoes on and it hurt.
“Why are you here? Not that I mind because you brought me food, but...”
He ducked his head, concentrating for a moment on pulling chunks of the baked treat in front of him off and popping them into his mouth. “Just thought I’d bring you breakfast. Check on you, you know.” He shrugged and she smiled at the top of his head.
“You saw me at work yesterday, and at Amy’s last night, John.”
“Well yes, but I just - I don’t know. I thought of you this morning and thought I’d check in.” He glanced up with a sheepish grin, his eyes bright. “I’ve been thinking about it a lot you know. Almost constantly, actually.” His eyes dropped to her waist and she grinned in response, while feeling that warmth diffuse across her skin as he stared at her. She breathed in deeply, trying to center her thoughts.
“Me too.” She confessed. “I just keep picturing it, and sort of going from disbelief to amazement. I didn’t think - it’s all so fast.”
“It’ll seem slow soon enough.” He smiled at her before popping the last of his muffin in his mouth and chewing thoughtfully. “I thought we could go out today - book store maybe, I’m not sure what you have, but I’d - I mean I’d like something about the baby’s development so I can know where you are. Where you know - he or she is. I mean, you don’t have to come with me, but I thought-”
“It’s fine.” She smiled, cutting across his waffling explanation. She stretched her arms above her head and nodded. “It’s a great idea actually. Maybe we can see if Amy and Rory want to meet us later? After noon though - Amy is liable to bite your head off if you wake her early.” She grinned and relaxed her body, looking over at him in time to catch his gaze on her, dark and hungry. She felt a shiver run through her, and instantly scolded herself for it. She couldn’t think of him like that. He’d done what he set out to do, and she should be grateful for it. “I’ll just go get changed, shall I?” She asked brightly, and didn’t wait for a response as she jumped up from the table.
He had tea waiting when she emerged - decaf for both of them, and she smiled in thanks as they drank it before heading out.
She soon found herself curled into a leather sofa at her local bookstore, leafing through several different pregnancy books. She glanced through most, but one in particular caught her eye, with detailed weekly reports for every stage of pregnancy. It covered symptoms, development, issues and common side effects that might arise. She was reading week four, her skin flushing as she read the section about heightened sensitivity and sex drive.
“I found one specifically for Dads, look.” John threw himself into the sofa right beside her - it was a small seat, so there was nowhere else for him to go, really. He was waving a book about under her nose and she looked up from her reading with a smile.
“Is it any good?” She leaned closer to dutifully inspect the book, inhaling as she did so and feeling her skin tingle at the scent of him. Oh God. She wasn’t going to be able to handle this. The book in her hand said that every woman reacted differently to the hormones rushing through their body. Some felt turned off by sex, and experienced a significant lowering of their sex drive, while other women’s sex drives were heightened, along with their sensitivity which could plausibly lead to more frequent orgasms. River could see it actually - she was so keyed up, it probably wouldn’t take much. Naturally she couldn’t be one of those women who were repulsed by sex during pregnancy. She frowned and John cleared his throat. She looked up to see him watching her with amusement.
“Back with us then, are you?” His brows lifted in question and she flushed.
“Sorry - I was thinking.”
“’Bout what?” He grinned at her and she froze, he was far too close and she could feel the body heat radiating off of him, and smell him and oh god, she was going to spend half this pregnancy locked in her bedroom touching herself. She bit her lip at the aching thought of it, her mind naturally providing far more interesting images of him touching her and-
“Something I read. Sorry - what did you say?” She managed to squeak the words out, easing back slightly as if distance could help. She prayed it would help anyway.
“I said it looks great - it’s got week by week stuff here, and I just read week two-”
“I’m at week four though.” She pointed out and he frowned.
“That’s not possible, I mean we only... it was just over two weeks ago-” His brow furrowed adorably and his hair fell into his eyes and her hand actually twitched against the cover of her book. She almost lifted it to brush his hair back when he did it himself, with a toss of his head.
“Yeah but they count from last cycle, not implantation. Which is weird I know, it’s like you’re two weeks pregnant before you’re really pregnant but I didn’t invent the system. So yeah. Four weeks.” She managed to not ramble too much and he nodded, flipping ahead in his book.
“Alright then. Okay it says... um, sense of smell is heightened - I did not know that. Go out while you can, be sensitive to her needs, pick up more house chores - which speaking of, are you going to have someone come in? Because we can do that - I mean I can have someone help with that stuff.” He pointed out and she laughed, touched by the fact that he’d thought of it at all.
“Oh sweetie, I have a woman who comes in once a week to do all the heavy stuff. I work far too hard to spend my off hours scrubbing floors.” He frowned at that and glanced at her.
“I did not know that. How did I not know that?”
“She comes on Fridays, during the morning. Did you think my house was just magically clean all the time?” She teased him and he shrugged.
“Never really thought about it, to be honest. Okay,” he glanced over the page in front of him, “it says practice backrubs, but be sure she wants you to touch her, since some women don’t. Alternately it warns to be prepared for an increase in - oh.”
“What?” She asked with curiosity, her head tilting as she tried to read over his shoulder.
“Not important, really. Mostly it says to enjoy the time before morning sickness while you can.” He closed the book and fidgeted with the cover for a moment. “I think I’m going to get this one. Have you found one you liked?”
She nodded, holding up her own book. “I like it - it shows weekly images of the pregnancy, which is nice. Even though it looks like - well not a baby right now, it did mention that the central nervous system is being built as we speak, and the heart is forming.” She nodded and his eyes dropped to her stomach in surprise.
“That’s kind of crazy to think about. There’s a heart forming. Inside of you. You have two hearts right now. Sort of.” He pointed out and she laughed, her hand sliding over her belly as she stared down at it. Perfectly flat. Not for much longer though.
“It is weird to think about, especially since there isn’t any - you know, outward signs? I don’t know.” She laughed softly and he leaned over, his hand sliding over hers.
“Is - sorry - is it okay if I-”
“Oh god yes, you can - can touch me whenever you’d like.” She moved her hand from under his, leaving his palm flat against her belly, and oh god he felt so warm and heavy and just - she finally realised what she had just said and flushed profusely, dropping her head in embarrassment.
His fingers stroked along her stomach lightly and he grinned. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
xx
“I am going insane.” River flung herself onto Amy’s office couch three weeks later, with a dramatic sigh. “No wait. Let me close and lock the door first.” She sat up, shutting Amy’s door and locking it. When she turned around Amy had an amused expression on her face.
“I don’t know if Rory would approve. Well. Unless he got to watch.” She grinned and River rolled her eyes at her friend.
“Oh shut up, I don’t want to shag you.”
“Yeah you do, you big lesbo. I’m irresistible.” Amy fawned over herself and River laughed, sitting down. “Plus you’re so hormonal right now you’d probably shag a stick.”
“I hate you.” River pouted and Amy laughed, getting up and joining her on the sofa, wrapping an arm around her.
“Aww, come on then, tell Amy all about it.” She spoke is a teasing tone, but her one-armed hug was sincere and River sighed. “How are you feeling then?”
“Miraculously - still no morning sickness. I’ve no idea what’s up with that, but Martha said at our last appointment that some women get it in their second trimester, or third, or not at all. I’m rather hoping for the latter, that would be fantastic. I could nap just about always though.” She huffed out a breath and Amy looked at her sympathetically.
“Then what’s wrong?”
“Stupid hormones.” River muttered and Amy laughed, hugging her closer.
“Awww.”
“I cannot stop thinking about sex Amy. I dream about it - every night. Insanely vivid dreams and I wake up alone and... and... god, I feel ridiculously desperate. And it doesn’t help that John-” Amy sat up straighter at that, turning to face River and leaning forward.
“Finally. What’s he doing then?”
“Nothing. He’s just - it’s sweet really because he’s around so much more. But he’s... well you know how I feel - that I’m-”
“Attracted to him? Want to shag his brains out? Oh, do tell. Except not specific details because it’s the Doctor and you know I already think you’re insane.” Amy bounced slightly and River rolled her eyes.
“I’m just hormonal.”
“And horny.” Amy pointed out helpfully. River stared at her for a moment before continuing.
“And he’s always around. And I just - he looks - and I’m - good god it is terrible.” She dared not mention the fact that already having been intimate with him really didn’t help matters.
“So if he wants to help so much, you should ask him to help with that too.” Amy grinned and River shoved her shoulder in retribution. “What? I bet he’d be willing, you know he’s always thought you were gorgeous. People don’t flirt the way you two do without mutual attraction. Though you’ve both been flirting less, it’s odd.”
“Probably because who in their right mind finds pregnant women hot?” River scowled and Amy laughed out loud.
“Oh please, you’re not even showing yet. The only physical change is that your boobs are bigger - bonus; and your hair is somehow even more magnificent. Shouldn’t even be possible, really, but there it is. Besides I thought men were like, hard wired to find you know - their woman, all full of child insanely hot or something?” Amy scoffed and River clutched her stomach, laughing so hard she almost fell off the couch.
“Oh god.”
“I read it somewhere- it’s true. So just - you know. What? Your next appointment is before dinner on Friday right? So have your appointment, ask your doctor about your insane sex dreams in front of him, we have dinner, Rory and I leave and BAM you two shag like bunnies. Problem solved!” Amy held her hands up and River rolled her eyes.
“We can’t just shag for no reason. Things are complicated enough with the baby as it is. He’s young, Amy and he deserves so much better than me. A woman he can marry and have a family with, who’s his own age and sleeping together is just asking for ridiculous emotional attachments.” Amy eyed her carefully throughout her speech and frowned.
“You know what I just heard?” She arched a brow and leaned toward River. “A load of reasons why he shouldn’t become emotionally attached to you and not a single one about your feelings for him. This is what I think - you’re already attached River. He’s the father of your child, and one of your best friends, and you find him sexy as hell - god knows why. And you are terrified that he would never feel the same. And that is stupid. Because let’s look at what you just said. He deserves a woman he can marry and have a family with. Well, look who’s up the duff - he’s having a family. With you, you moron. And he could marry you if you’d just take a leap of faith and see if it works out. Your baby could have two parents who love each other, and are together in every sense of the word, and for the last time, I honestly don’t think age even matters. Not if you’re in love.”
“We’re not in love though Amy. And what if I do that - what if I jump in and try and none of it works out? What then? We’re having a baby and I can’t risk this child’s future happiness because I’m hormonal and really want a shag! The baby comes first now.” She stood as she spoke, pacing in agitation and Amy shook her head.
“I think if it didn’t work out - which, for the record is not what I think would happen. I think you’re both perfect for each other and too bloody stupid and stubborn to see it. I think if it didn’t though, that you’re both grown up enough and good enough friends that you could work it out between the pair of you. But I’m just your best friend, so what would I know?” Amy sat back with a huff and River stared at her in shock.
“It wouldn’t work. He wouldn’t want me, anyway. Not like that. Not seriously.”
“You’ll never know, will you? Because you’re too scared to ask, River.” Amy pointed out softly. “What if - crazy idea here - but what if he’s too scared to ask too? You both are ridiculous.”
“He’s not.”
“You won’t know until you try.”
“I’m not trying.” River shook her head and Amy rolled her eyes.
“Can you go mad from sexual frustration? I wonder. Guess we’ll find out, huh?” River glared at her and dropped her head against the back of the couch.
“You are the worst friend ever.”
“Oh I am not. If it does drive you insane - well, you’re hot, so I’ll pitch in. But we have to film it. You know. For Rory.” They both dissolved into laughter at that, and when River left Amy’s office, she still had tears in her eyes from it.
xx
Four weeks later, River was wondering if maybe Amy hadn’t been right. She was clearly going insane. Her moods swung from one extreme to another, though she tried her best to not show it. The dreams had only increased in intensity, and for all the dream sex she’d been having, she thought she’d have been left waking up satisfied, but no. She felt raw and aching and empty every morning.
She just needed to get a grip, was all. She’d read in her baby book that this week the placenta would finish forming and start taking over hormone production, thus giving her a break, but it was hardly comfort as she sat on her kitchen floor, weeping.
She’d made tea. She’d just wanted a cup of tea, but she’d discovered that she’d run out of milk - and while that probably wasn’t much a of an issue, it felt - it felt - she laughed and dropped her head back against the cupboards. “God!”
She pulled her knees in to her chest and dropped her head to rest against them, hugging her arms around them as she cried. There was a muffled thump out in the hall and the clatter of running feet. “Oh my god, River, what is it - what’s wrong? Is it the baby?!” She looked up to see John sliding into the kitchen, a look of pure panic and terror on his face as he dropped to his knees before her.
“No!” She shook her head, feeling absolutely awful for making him worry, which of course only caused her to cry harder. “No - the baby’s fine. It’s me. I am god damn insane. Look at me. Oh god - I’m sorry. I’m so sorry - I didn’t mean to scare you.” She spoke through her tears and he calmed down, looking at her sympathetically. “I just can’t seem to stop, is the thing.”
He shushed her, pulling her into his arms and hugging her and she swallowed, her shoulders still shaking as she buried her face by his neck. His bowtie brushed against her cheek and she reached a hand up, wrapping her fingers around it like it could soothe her. “Shhh. Hush - it’s okay. Come on, tell me whatever’s upset you, and I’ll fix it, alright?”
“It’s stupid.” She buried her face further and he chuckled, his palms sweeping along her back gently.
“I’ve no doubt, but I promise not to laugh.” She let out a small laugh at that, and shook her head. Pulling back she looked up at him and sniffled.
“I’m out of milk.” He stared down at her for a beat, and the corner of his mouth twitched. He closed his eyes for a moment, and took a deep breath.
“You wanted tea?”
“I wanted tea.” She confirmed and he ran a hand over her hair, leaning forward to press a kiss to the top of her head, as though she were a small child. She felt a sense of calm steal through her at that action. Oddly enough - though they’d now slept together and she was currently pregnant with his child, it felt like he actually touched her less now. She’d missed it. Even if the feel of his hands on her back was sending all sorts of tingles through her skin and sliding down her spin. She arched into the touch and he stood up, reaching a hand down and pulling her up.
“Okay. I can fix that. Watch me - Mr. Fix-it. Come along.” He pulled her down the hall to her bedroom and even though she knew that he wasn’t hitting on her, her heart rate felt like it tripled as soon as they stepped over the threshold. He sat her on the edge of her bed, before moving over to her en suite. She heard running water and he came back, shirt sleeves rolled up over his forearms. She stared at the line of his arms, wrists and hands for a moment, her breathing shallow. “Okay, you - get in the bath. I am going to run to Tesco and get a pint of milk, and by the time you get out, I will have tea waiting for you, alright?”
Ridiculously, she felt her heart swell in her chest as she looked up at him, tears in her eyes. She felt dangerously close to confessing something stupid, such as the fact that she’d just been staring at his hands, imagining them buried inside of her, or that she thought she might be halfway in love with him, and by halfway she really meant so far past all the way it was ridiculous. Instead she licked her lips, swallowed and nodded as he dropped another kiss to the top of her head.
“I’ll be right back.” His hand brushed against her shoulder and he left the room, leaving her to wander into the bathroom. He’d put unscented oil in the water - she could see the gleam of it on the surface, and the bottle was on the edge of her tub. She frowned - because she didn’t own any unscented oil, but she looked at the bottle as she waited for the tub to fill. It was labelled as unscented massage oil and she realized he must have picked it up at some point and left it for her in her bathroom. Startled, she looked under the sink to see other things she’d not bought. Epsom salts and unscented lotion - a tube of lanolin cream, and a bottle of something that proclaimed on the label to help ease stretch marks.
“Oh god, I’m going to bloody fall in love with him.” She whispered to herself as she stared at the contents. Standing, she pressed a hand against her stomach - finally starting to curve ever so slightly. It wasn’t noticeable to anyone but her, but she could feel a certain change there, she thought. She stripped off, turning the taps off and stepping into the perfectly warm water. “Of course it’s perfect. Of course it is.” She glanced down as she soaked, letting the warm water ease the tension from her shoulders and back. “I think, baby, I may have made the best choice for you. Your Dad is going to be fantastic. You’ll love him very much. It’s just the slight problem of the fact that I think I may love him too.” She slid her hands over her abdomen as she spoke. She knew, practically, that the baby couldn’t hear her yet - but she loved to talk out loud to her, regardless.
“I know, I know, you probably think that’s not a bad thing. Your Aunt Amy certainly doesn’t, at any rate - but your Daddy is wonderful. And he deserves someone he loves, and I want that for him. But I’m selfish - and I don’t know what the hell Mommy was thinking. What am I going to do when he finds someone who looks at him and realizes what a god damn prize he is? It’s probably good you can’t hear me - you shouldn’t swear like this.” She lifted her legs, sinking deeper into the water and curling her toes over the edge of the tub.
She rubbed her stomach absent-mindedly and sighed. She soaked in the tub quietly for another few moments and finally pulled the plug, climbing out and wrapping a towel around herself. He skin was slick with the residue of the oil and she stepped carefully across the tiled floor, entering her room just as John was coming in, two mugs in his hands. “Oh, sorry! But look, tea!” He held up the mug with a grin and she sat on the edge of her bed, tucking her towel around her and holding out her hands to take it.
The liquid was hot and soothing and milky, and she sighed in content as he sat next to her. “Better?” He asked, sipping his own tea and she nodded with a smile.
“I am so sorry - I don’t know what - I completely lost it out there.” She winced apologetically and he shook his head, smoothing his free hand over her shoulders.
“Ah no, it’s just hormones. That’s fine, River - it’s not your fault.”
“You are just being really very fantastic through all this, and I am being this insane bundle of horridness.” She frowned, putting her tea on the nightstand and turning to face him. His eyes dropped for a fraction of a second before he looked up at her face intently.
“No, you’re not. And you’ve actually yet to yell at me, so I fail to see how you being emotional makes you horrid. You’re fine - better than fine, you’re amazing. You’re - you know - building a baby in there. It’s okay if you cry over milk sometimes, so long as you promise to call me for this stuff, because I can fix it.” He leaned across her, putting his mug next to hers and when he pulled back he rested his hands along the side of her neck, his expression serious.
“You can’t fix everything, John.” She pointed out in a soft voice, thinking of her earlier thoughts in the bath. He couldn’t fix that.
“You watch me, River.” His hands slid along her shoulders, his fingers pressing down slightly and dragging along the muscles there. She moaned a bit, instinctively leaning forward. She rested her forehead against his shoulder and his hands swept over the tops of her shoulder blades. “Lie down; I’ll rub your back.” His voice was a hoarse whisper, and she froze, the sound of it causing her to squirm, her skin flushing and her heart rate increasing. Her body moved as if on auto-pilot, lying carefully on her stomach, and he tugged the towel down until it was at her waist. “Is that okay?”
It was just her back, she told herself. Well, her front too but that was pressed into the bed so she nodded. “That’s fine.” She spoke, and then his weight shifted behind her and she couldn’t string a thought together after that because his hands were smoothing across her back like magic. She groaned, pressing her face into the mattress, and he chuckled.
“Feels good then?” He teased her as his hands slipped across her slick skin, and she felt each stroke against her skin, a soothing pressure that seemed to ignite a low fire within her belly. His fingers danced down her spine, across her shoulders and ribs, and she pressed her hips into the duvet below them, squeezing her legs together in a futile attempt to sooth the ache growing between them.
“Oh god.” She moaned the words out of frustration and bliss, and he shifted until one knee was on either side of her thighs. He didn’t sit down, but rather hovered over her, his hands continuing to knead at the muscles in her back, his thumbs pressing into her lower back and sliding along either side of her spine as he pushed his hands up to her shoulders.
Her own hands fisted in the bedding below them and when his hands slid to her sides to pull down her ribs, his fingers brushed against the sides of her breasts and she gasped out loud. He froze for a moment, his palms flat against her lower ribs. “River.” He whispered her name and she closed her eyes.
“Again.” She spoke in a low voice and his breathing pattern changed behind her, his hands moving up and dragging along her skin with slow deliberateness. His fingers curled against the soft skin of the side of her breast and she moaned, her hips lifting from the bed. He reached up once more, but this time he swept her hair to one side, smoothing his hands along her shoulders.
She felt his weight shift and then felt his mouth against the side of her neck, kissing her softly. It was a sweet, simple kiss - barely the brush of his lips against her skin but she felt an electric current race through her entire body - her nipples hardened against the duvet, and she felt the dampness between her thighs increase, along with the throbbing aching need she felt nearly constantly. He kissed her again, against the nape of her neck this time and she whinged in a breathy tone, her hands clutching the duvet as she arched her back in invitation. He took it - pressing soft kisses all the way down her spine until she was all but panting with need below him, and all he had done was kiss her. He lifted his body over hers, kissing the skin below and just behind her ear as she fought to control her breathing. “If you want me to stop you have to tell me.” His voice was a low growl by her ear and she finally opened her eyes, rolling over underneath him.
“Don’t you dare.” His eyes were dark and she pulled him down to her, her mouth meeting his and she almost wept with joy over the taste of him in her mouth once more. His hands slid over her ribs as he kissed her, fingers brushing against the underside of her breasts as she moaned into his mouth. Her hands threaded through his hair, pulling him closer but he resisted. She pulled back with a frown. “What’s the mat-” His fingers circled her nipples, causing her to gasp mid-question and he smiled.
“I just don’t want to crush you.” He pointed out, lowering his head and pressing kisses along the side of her throat, before moving down and dipping his tongue into the hollow of her throat. Her hands in his hair tightened and she arched below him.
“You won’t, you daft man.” She laughed and ended on a hitching sigh as his head hovered over her breast and his tongue swept across the sensitive skin gently, teasingly. She moaned and he kissed the tip.
“Tell me if anything is too much - I know it’s sensitive.” He whispered the words against her skin before pulling her nipple into his mouth and sucking gently.
“Oh god.” She clutched at his shoulders, writhing below him, and she wanted- she wanted him - just so deep inside of her she couldn’t tell who ended where, she wanted to feel the length of him and his skin against hers, the heat and hardness of him wrapped within her, his heart beating over hers and-
“Oh god River, you have to stop or I’m going to end this before it’s begun.” He moaned against the skin of her breast and she blinked - startled to realize she’d been talking out loud. He continued kissing down over her ribs, his tongue bumping over each one even as he shifted his weight to the left, his other hand tugging the towel from her body and tossing it aside. When he reached her belly he paused, his palm sliding over the skin and a wondrous expression on his face. “You’re showing already?”
She smiled down at him and nodded. “I mean it’s not noticeable-”
“Yes, it is.” He breathed the words out, moving his hand and pressing a soft kiss to her skin. “Hello, baby.” She felt tears fill her eyes and she had to look away for a moment as he kissed her there again. The expression of love on his face simultaneously filled her with overwhelming joy and jealousy. She felt him murmur three words into the skin there - and she knew - she knew what they were and she wished they were for her, so badly. Instead she closed her eyes and laced a hand through his hair, and waited.
Eventually his mouth wandered further, to her hips, the indent of her waist. Her breathing sped up again and he pressed kisses to the tops of her thighs, and they eased apart instinctively. “Oh you are stunning.” He breathed the words out before pressing a soft kiss to her inner thigh. “I bet it’s been driving you mad, hmm? All those hormones.” His hand slid slowly up the inside of her thigh and she nodded, whimpering.
“Please, John.” She couldn’t even believe she’d said it but his fingers stroked all the way up to the crease where her hip met thigh and he slid them through the curls there. She sighed when he slid them into her. “Yes.”
His fingers curled within her and his thumb pressed against her clit as he kissed her hip, watching her face intently. He had her writhing beneath him within mere moments and she was flying higher and higher - so high, but she was suddenly gripped by the desire to not orgasm just yet. She pulled away, scrambling from under him and he looked at her in shock. “River?”
“Shh.” She crawled over to him kissing him fiercely, her hands yanking his bowtie undone and shoving his braces down over his shoulders. Her hands all but flew down his shirt, unbuttoning as she thrust her tongue into his mouth and he moaned, his hands gripping her hips tightly. “I want you inside of me. Right now.”
“But what if it’s - is it safe?” She laughed at his question, tugging his shirt off of his back and tossing it aside before she attacked his trousers with renewed vigour. She had them undone and peeled off him before he could even protest and she pressed kisses across his chest.
“You daft man.” She punctuated each word with a kiss, and some with a nip of her teeth that caused him to tense and suck in a breath. “You’ve read the books, you know it’s fine.” She ran her tongue along his soft belly, dipping it into his belly button and he giggled at that - a joyous sound that made her smile against his hip. She was just about to lower her mouth when he gripped her shoulders, dragging her up against his body.
“No, no, no - jesus just you talking earlier almost made me come in my pants, River - there is no way - come here.” His hands buried themselves in her hair and he kissed her then, slow and thorough, his tongue dancing in and out of her mouth as she gripped his biceps and sighed into his mouth. She swung one leg over his hip and hovered above him. She could feel his hips rising beneath hers, straining to reach her and she pulled back, sitting up straight and lowering herself onto him with a satisfied sigh. This. This was what she’d been longing for. This feeling. “Oh god, River.”
“Mmmm.” She hummed in agreement and began to roll her hips over his, each slide forward pressed her clit against his pelvic bone and she gasped, moving faster. Her hands were braced against his chest and he had one hand gripping her hips while the other reached up, caressing first one breast and then the other, pinching her nipples as she cried out, moving faster and faster and faster. “God you feel amazing.” She moaned the words out and he grinned below her.
“That’s my line. Oh, River - you are - god damn-” She felt herself rise higher and higher and higher - her denial of her earlier orgasm combined with her sensitivity just seemed to push her to places she’d never ever been before. “Come on, come on.” His hips were rising to meet hers now and he was chanting below her, both his hands on her hips now as he gripped her carefully, pushing her further down on the downward strokes and grinding her against him. “River.” His eyes met hers and she leaned forward, giving him control of their hips while she buried her hands in his hair and kissed the hell out of him. His pace picked up, his hands gripping her and grinding her hips against his. Her breasts dragged across his chest and her clit ground against him. She cried out at the overload of sensation, he was everywhere at once, and it all crashed over her in the most intense orgasm she’d ever experienced. Her limbs shook and she dropped her head into his throat, biting down as he followed her with a shout of her name.
She could feel his heartbeat thundering through her chest, keeping time with her own and she sighed, her limbs still shaking as she attempted to catch her breath, her weight collapsed against him. She rolled herself off of him, tucked against his side and still shaking. “River? Oh - oh - River? Are you okay?!” His voice sounded slightly panicked and she shook her head, lifting a shaking hand to press against her mouth. “Why are you crying?” She hadn’t even realized she was, actually but she brushed her fingers against her face and felt the wetness.
“No, no-” She managed to get out, shaking her head. “Not - not bad tears I just - I don’t know. I just felt- it all felt - it was a lot and I just-” She shook her head, trying to breathe properly and calm her racing heart. Her frowned but wrapped his arms around her, pulling her tighter and pressing a kiss on the top of her head, before moving down to her temple, forehead and cheeks. Finally he kissed her mouth, soft and sweet and she sighed, her trembling finally subsiding.
“This was not what I expected today.” He chuckled against her skin and she laughed, smacking his chest.
“Oh god, poor you - I’m clearly a basket case-”
“You are gorgeous. And have a lot happening chemically speaking. And as for this round of tears - well, it was pretty amazing, I damn near cried myself.” She laughed at that and he scooted down the bed, until his head was by her shoulder and his hands were flat against her belly. “Are you okay with this - I feel like I - like I took advantage. I didn’t mean to - well I did a bit but I just wanted to help you...” His hands stroked her skin softly and he looked up at her nervously.
“I’ve been having dreams.” She confessed softly, running a hand through his hair. “Every night - so vivid, and it’s always you and I and-” She bit her lip and glanced down at him nervously.
He propped himself up on one elbow, looking down at her thoughtfully. “You know, I mean, I did say I’d be here for everything. And well - we’re friends right? Best friends.” She swallowed at that, nodding in agreement and dropping her gaze between them to his hand on the soft swell of her stomach. They were friends. It was all he’d signed up for, and she had to remember that. Even if he did find her attractive - it wasn’t worth the risk to their long-term relationship. They had this baby to think of. “I don’t see why we can’t be friends, and have this baby, and have this too.”
Her heart froze in her chest and started pounding. She could - was she foolish for thinking she could take what she could get from him before she lost him eventually to someone who would offer him the life he deserved? They could stay friends. They could - so long as she made sure they stayed friends. She looked at him and found him studying her intently, biting his lip as he looked at her. She smiled brightly, tucking all her worries and doubt at the back of her mind. “I’d like that.”
“You would?” His grin was breathtaking and she felt her heart stutter in her chest. She knew this was going to hurt. She knew it would end amicably, and he would move on and she would never, ever, ever let him know how she felt. But she could have this. These memories, and this feeling, and their child.
It would be enough.
(4/6)