I hate when good days turn into bad days
I like to think of myself as a generally very strong person. I'm always laughing or trying to make with the funny. Always in a good mood. But sometimes, there is just a little trigger. Something you didn't even know was there that can turn everything around in the blink of an eye. My Aunt Becky called me today to tell me aunt Ardella had passed away. Of course, I already knew that, but she was just making sure someone had called to inform little old me. Since I'm sure if Ashley hadn't, I wouldn't have found out a damn thing. *sigh* Anyway, casually, she brought up Brennen. Actually, it was the first thing she even said to me. She asked me how he was doing and when he was coming to see me. Of course, I had to inform her that he and I had went our separate ways. And I dunno, after I hung up the phone with her... I just burst into tears. I couldn't stop crying. I've been crying for the last 2 hours almost. On and off. I feel like something inside me just turned itself off. I don't want to fall in love. I can't run from, or deny this fear any longer. Pretending to be interested when I know that even if someone came my way, I would push them away. Why? Because that's what I do. To protect myself from winding up like this. Don't believe everything people have told you about love, because it's all just a lie. So I give up. I know I'm a great person. And a fantastic lover, but my fear of letting someone close to me is too overwhelming. And it's been here since childhood, the fear I mean. So it's not going anywhere. So here's to love. I'm saying goodbye. :]
Haha. I even messaged Brennen today on MySpace. I could have just texted him, but I felt like I would only be bothering him. That's not what I want. So instead of invading his personal line like that, I just send him a message. Maybe about a paragraph in length. It amazes me how nice and loving I can still be. How mature I can still be when I know I'm the one who got screwed, not the other away around, like he's trying to pull off. But I told him I wasn't going to be selfish or mean... that I wished him the best in everything. And that someday he would find someone who he would truly be proud to be with. Proud to call his own. And someone to truly make him happy. && it's the truth. I do wish him all those things. But I hope he felt like a sack of shit when he read those last words of mine.
I know I'm being horribly gross and emo right now. I apologize for that. But please spare me the "you will find someone" speech. I've heard it all before. Blah blah blah. I know all of this already. I know I'm good enough, that's not the problem. Even when / if I find someone who is good enough for me. Someone who actually deserves me, I will run away. I do it every single time, so I'm not going to change my ways over night. Some people are meant to fall wild and passionately in love. Others just... are not. That's my fortune cookie, so to speak. I'm just supposed to be the loner, and I think it's finally time for me to just grow up, and face it. But it's not so bad being single, in all honesty. I don't mind it so much. I've been alone this long, it's not like I'm going to keel over dead of loneliness or broken heart. Haha. Don't fret. I'm not quite that dramatic.
I guess I just felt like I was missing out on things. Things that everyone made sound so appealing. Like being held. I've never been held before. -_- How lame am I? Oh shit, my sister just walked into my room and I am sitting here bawling my eyes out. I wonder if she will even notice. Omg, I was going to continue on with this little charade of mine, but whats the point? Me spilling my guts out on my dumb LiveJournal is getting me nowhere. Not that I was ever actually trying to... get... somewhere. O_o; Eh. I don't have anything else to say.
Haha. I even messaged Brennen today on MySpace. I could have just texted him, but I felt like I would only be bothering him. That's not what I want. So instead of invading his personal line like that, I just send him a message. Maybe about a paragraph in length. It amazes me how nice and loving I can still be. How mature I can still be when I know I'm the one who got screwed, not the other away around, like he's trying to pull off. But I told him I wasn't going to be selfish or mean... that I wished him the best in everything. And that someday he would find someone who he would truly be proud to be with. Proud to call his own. And someone to truly make him happy. && it's the truth. I do wish him all those things. But I hope he felt like a sack of shit when he read those last words of mine.
I know I'm being horribly gross and emo right now. I apologize for that. But please spare me the "you will find someone" speech. I've heard it all before. Blah blah blah. I know all of this already. I know I'm good enough, that's not the problem. Even when / if I find someone who is good enough for me. Someone who actually deserves me, I will run away. I do it every single time, so I'm not going to change my ways over night. Some people are meant to fall wild and passionately in love. Others just... are not. That's my fortune cookie, so to speak. I'm just supposed to be the loner, and I think it's finally time for me to just grow up, and face it. But it's not so bad being single, in all honesty. I don't mind it so much. I've been alone this long, it's not like I'm going to keel over dead of loneliness or broken heart. Haha. Don't fret. I'm not quite that dramatic.
I guess I just felt like I was missing out on things. Things that everyone made sound so appealing. Like being held. I've never been held before. -_- How lame am I? Oh shit, my sister just walked into my room and I am sitting here bawling my eyes out. I wonder if she will even notice. Omg, I was going to continue on with this little charade of mine, but whats the point? Me spilling my guts out on my dumb LiveJournal is getting me nowhere. Not that I was ever actually trying to... get... somewhere. O_o; Eh. I don't have anything else to say.