[ it had eyes. ]
they say after having a miscarriage it is common to feel waves of grief a long time after its even happened.
the second miscarriage, the one that was paired and or caused by the appendicitis, as I lay there on the table with cold, gross jelly smeared over my thighs and vagina they told me I had been 8 weeks in, and there was little sign of any embryo tissue left.
i just shrugged it off at the time, too drugged up to even think on it. but tonight it haunts my thoughts. i read a few articles on developing embryos and fetuses.
at 8 weeks, it had eyes. it had brain functions.
it couldnt feel pain, but, it shocks me to think that it had eyes....
it had tiny nearly microscopic fingers and toes.
it has tiny little lips, and a nose, and the beginnings of ears.
there was a living thing growing inside of me. made of me and the man who will always be known as the worst thing that ever happened to me.
right now my biological clock is hitting me with a sledgehammer.
i want a baby. i want to BE something to someone.
I want to be a Mom.
Im only 19 years old. I have college to deal with. I have a job to get. I have schizoaffective dissorder and trichotallimania. I smoke half a pack of cigarettes or more on my off days and I drink almost every other night. Ive been in love before but still dont know what its like to BE loved.
My family would disown me if I ever got pregnant before I was married. My father told me flat out that Id have to put it up for adoption, or abort it, and no one could ever know of it on his side of the family.
I know it's not in the cards. I know its stupid and silly and ridiculous, and I know and you all know how much I say I dispise kids
but really, thats just what I say to try and convince myself that hating kids will keep me from having one, from screwing up my entire life.
gods, why am I even typing this? its 2am and I have to take my car in early to get the brakes fixed.
the second miscarriage, the one that was paired and or caused by the appendicitis, as I lay there on the table with cold, gross jelly smeared over my thighs and vagina they told me I had been 8 weeks in, and there was little sign of any embryo tissue left.
i just shrugged it off at the time, too drugged up to even think on it. but tonight it haunts my thoughts. i read a few articles on developing embryos and fetuses.
at 8 weeks, it had eyes. it had brain functions.
it couldnt feel pain, but, it shocks me to think that it had eyes....
it had tiny nearly microscopic fingers and toes.
it has tiny little lips, and a nose, and the beginnings of ears.
there was a living thing growing inside of me. made of me and the man who will always be known as the worst thing that ever happened to me.
right now my biological clock is hitting me with a sledgehammer.
i want a baby. i want to BE something to someone.
I want to be a Mom.
Im only 19 years old. I have college to deal with. I have a job to get. I have schizoaffective dissorder and trichotallimania. I smoke half a pack of cigarettes or more on my off days and I drink almost every other night. Ive been in love before but still dont know what its like to BE loved.
My family would disown me if I ever got pregnant before I was married. My father told me flat out that Id have to put it up for adoption, or abort it, and no one could ever know of it on his side of the family.
I know it's not in the cards. I know its stupid and silly and ridiculous, and I know and you all know how much I say I dispise kids
but really, thats just what I say to try and convince myself that hating kids will keep me from having one, from screwing up my entire life.
gods, why am I even typing this? its 2am and I have to take my car in early to get the brakes fixed.