Thing about Forgiving
I've never been the best at forgiving.
I don't know--it's so hard for me to forgive some mistakes that for me it's a big deal. I'm actually so laid back and insensitive, but some things (big or small) can hurt me so bad. The hurt, especially when it piled up, gradually transformed into some kind of revenge. This could worsen if I lost empathy to the person who hurt me.
I'm not the type who can get mad to people easily. I'm so grumpy, yes, I often get angry to situation and condition which I thought it shouldn't be like that, but to people? No. I don't care what people do as long as it doesn't bother me or make me hurt. So if I'm angry to some people, it means that they have crossed the line, extremely outrageous.
I hate being mad to people because it'll reveal my darkest side. I can be so bitter, so evil, so ignorant, and the scariest thing (for me) is my mind can be so dark when thinking about revenge. It's all in my mind and never spoken out loud, but still--the things I imagine can be so wicked that I hate myself for it. I believe that God knows everything and I shouldn't think about people's karma of their own deeds--it's God's privilege--but sometimes I'm too angry and too full of revenge. I can't help it to hope for the worst for people who have hurt me so bad.
Just hoping like that can make me guilty and feel disgust for myself.
It's just hard for me to forgive and forget. I can never feel the same way as before to those people, and obviously, can never treat them the same way. I know this is not good--but I just can't stand it. I have tried to forgive, but those people who hurt me badly are ignorant people who never apologize and change. They kept doing things that erode my respect for them forever. I don't know whether it's a justification or not; I just know that they are indeed what you can categorize as toxic people and it's better for me to stay miles away from them. But I also know that I'm so weak and terrible because of my inability to forgive.
I still don't know how to let revenge go.
Even I can't forgive myself because of this.
I don't know--it's so hard for me to forgive some mistakes that for me it's a big deal. I'm actually so laid back and insensitive, but some things (big or small) can hurt me so bad. The hurt, especially when it piled up, gradually transformed into some kind of revenge. This could worsen if I lost empathy to the person who hurt me.
I'm not the type who can get mad to people easily. I'm so grumpy, yes, I often get angry to situation and condition which I thought it shouldn't be like that, but to people? No. I don't care what people do as long as it doesn't bother me or make me hurt. So if I'm angry to some people, it means that they have crossed the line, extremely outrageous.
I hate being mad to people because it'll reveal my darkest side. I can be so bitter, so evil, so ignorant, and the scariest thing (for me) is my mind can be so dark when thinking about revenge. It's all in my mind and never spoken out loud, but still--the things I imagine can be so wicked that I hate myself for it. I believe that God knows everything and I shouldn't think about people's karma of their own deeds--it's God's privilege--but sometimes I'm too angry and too full of revenge. I can't help it to hope for the worst for people who have hurt me so bad.
Just hoping like that can make me guilty and feel disgust for myself.
It's just hard for me to forgive and forget. I can never feel the same way as before to those people, and obviously, can never treat them the same way. I know this is not good--but I just can't stand it. I have tried to forgive, but those people who hurt me badly are ignorant people who never apologize and change. They kept doing things that erode my respect for them forever. I don't know whether it's a justification or not; I just know that they are indeed what you can categorize as toxic people and it's better for me to stay miles away from them. But I also know that I'm so weak and terrible because of my inability to forgive.
I still don't know how to let revenge go.
Even I can't forgive myself because of this.