Growing old doesn't mean I've grown up
I've had this little lj since December 2003. Almost 7 years...crazy. Seven years ago, I was 18. Someone mentioned they wanted to read through some of my old entries. I've made most of this private b/c I sort of got in trouble with it...nothing major, just had a job that would prefer I NOT blog about the bands we worked with...touchy, touchy. So I made it all disappear. And then I changed subjects, it's sort of turned into a blog about books. Because I like books. I like reading. And I like pontificating about them.
But it's strange, this going back and re-reading. Re-reading this journal, re-reading the print ones i've kept since high school. How some things change...and yet, how they never do. I read about how I knew I was dating a guy that didn't like me. How I hated the people I hung around and the person I was around them. All these things...I knew then. And I didn't know what to do with it. I could see the manic pattern. The rapid highs, the bottomless lows. I could see setting myself up for failure, blindly hoping that it didn't really matter what the truth was. It's strange the person I can see I was and the person that I still am. The good and the bad. The real ugly things I've said and thought. The things I don't understand then & now. But I'm not so bad. It's not as awful as I thought it was. Or at least, I'm not ashamed. It was awful. But I'll be okay. Right? I'll be fine.
But it's strange, this going back and re-reading. Re-reading this journal, re-reading the print ones i've kept since high school. How some things change...and yet, how they never do. I read about how I knew I was dating a guy that didn't like me. How I hated the people I hung around and the person I was around them. All these things...I knew then. And I didn't know what to do with it. I could see the manic pattern. The rapid highs, the bottomless lows. I could see setting myself up for failure, blindly hoping that it didn't really matter what the truth was. It's strange the person I can see I was and the person that I still am. The good and the bad. The real ugly things I've said and thought. The things I don't understand then & now. But I'm not so bad. It's not as awful as I thought it was. Or at least, I'm not ashamed. It was awful. But I'll be okay. Right? I'll be fine.