Coming out from the weeds can hurt
The past 2 or 3 days I have been noticing things. Some small, others pretty significant. Again, I come to the conclusion that I have definite patterns in my life and I always realize how deeply mired in depression I have become when I start to get just a little bit better. I do not like taking SSRIs or any other pharmaceuticals. In the past they have helped but only in ways that feel not quite right. It's like some one put the puzzle pieces back in the wrong sequence. I did some research and ordered supplements. I think they are working. I'm thinking again, experiencing, controlling what comes out of my mouth (sometimes), what goes in to my mouth, forcing myself off the couch, gradually putting things in their place. How I talk myself out of taking myself out is beyond me but somehow I am still here. Whew.
One thing at a time. Holding back tears could be a solid improvement. It means I am experiencing and feeling and allowing it to happen, to be in and of the moment. Bob usually does that to me. He is still Home for me. I don't understand why or how, but there it is. I need more Bob in my life I guess. How does that work without it going all sideways?
Work is frustrating and anxiety inducing. I want to do good, I want to make it all work and come together and do my job well. I have no idea if I am succeeding or failing or just getting by. I need a little more direction from the powers that be. I fear termination but I see no logical reason why that could ever occur. I can never go back to bedside again unless I am facing severe poverty. I like living in the house, paying the mortgage, the car payment and drinking champagne.
What have I done to this beautiful body?! I can't apologize enough to relieve the guilt and remorse. I am taking steps - some of them small but please bear with me, I'm still in pain - to turn things around for you. Please help me, please be kind and patient. We were so good together. We truly had it going on. Let's get back to that, slowly, safely and permanently.
One thing at a time. Holding back tears could be a solid improvement. It means I am experiencing and feeling and allowing it to happen, to be in and of the moment. Bob usually does that to me. He is still Home for me. I don't understand why or how, but there it is. I need more Bob in my life I guess. How does that work without it going all sideways?
Work is frustrating and anxiety inducing. I want to do good, I want to make it all work and come together and do my job well. I have no idea if I am succeeding or failing or just getting by. I need a little more direction from the powers that be. I fear termination but I see no logical reason why that could ever occur. I can never go back to bedside again unless I am facing severe poverty. I like living in the house, paying the mortgage, the car payment and drinking champagne.
What have I done to this beautiful body?! I can't apologize enough to relieve the guilt and remorse. I am taking steps - some of them small but please bear with me, I'm still in pain - to turn things around for you. Please help me, please be kind and patient. We were so good together. We truly had it going on. Let's get back to that, slowly, safely and permanently.