To Mend a Butterfly's Broken Wing, 4: Trying to Cope
Title: To Mend a Butterfly's Broken Wing
Author: exquisite_ugly
Rating/Warnings: M (language, sexual situations)
Summary: After the newborn fight things take a different turn with the Volturi. Edward goes missing, the Cullen's leave to search for him, and Bella flees town from the pain of loss. Can Jacob help her deal with the grief a second time? AU, M for language, sex
But where are you my angel now/Don't you see me crying/And I know that you can't do it all/but you can't say I'm not trying/I'm on my knees in front of him/but he doesn't seem to see me
*~*~*
I woke slowly, feeling rather heated and confused. My eyes slowly blinked open and all I saw and felt was warm, brown skin. I turned my head this way and that, but I couldn't see beyond. Carefully I rolled over and felt a rush of cool air against the front of me while my back began to warm up.
It was then that it began to sink in; I was in bed with Jacob and he was curled around me. It was undeniably warm, which I loved, but I was afraid of the message it was sending. I knew he came in here because of my nightmare, but I couldn't help worrying.
Just as I began to roll away, he let out a small huff and slid an arm over me, effectively tucking me into him. I bit my lip, trying to shift away from him, but then my eyes widened. We ended up pressed together as he shifted closer, and I felt…him against me. What I knew about guys was pretty close to non-existent, but I wasn't entirely clueless. I had never felt this before, even with Edward, and my cheeks flamed in mortification as I felt all of Jake against my back.
Trying to carefully ease my way out from under his arm, I gently lifted it as best I could. I managed to slide out, but got my foot tangled in the sheets and I ended up falling not-so-gracefully onto the floor.
Jake gave a startled grunt. His face appeared over the edge of the bed. "Bella?" he queried, looking confused. His hair stuck up on one side, eyes fuzzy with sleep, and he had crease marks on his cheek. "What are you doing on the floor?" he asked his voice even huskier than normal.
"It wasn't planned," I said dryly. "I was trying to get up, but I was pinned by your arm." He didn't need to know about what else happened. All that would do was make us both turn red and be uncomfortable.
"Sorry," he said with a huge yawn and flopped back on the bed.
I stood up, all of a sudden fully aware of the fact that I was wearing a faded pair of boxers and a flimsy tank-top. Jake's eyes met mine as I tried to casually cross my arms over my chest.
"I'm going to go shower," I mumbled, feeling my cheeks heat as I hurried out of the room. Carefully I poked just my head back into my room.
"Thank you," I whispered.
He smiled, stretched out on his side, his head resting on his arm. "Sure sure," he said softly.
After a hot shower, I stood towel-drying my hair, when my nightmare came back to me. I wrapped my arms tightly around my middle, kneeling on the floor, missing Edward and scared for him so much it was a physical ache. Tears blurred my vision as I tried breathing slow and deep. I didn't know how long I was on the floor, but suddenly I heard knocking.
"Bella? Are you okay?" Jake asked worriedly.
I brushed the tears from my cheeks, pulled my robe on, and opened the door. I tried to avert my gaze; I had been worrying Jake enough and I was beginning to feel bad about that. He caught my chin in his fingers, though, and he tilted my face up. My eyes were definitely red from crying, and he brushed his thumb over my cheek, catching a stray tear I missed.
"I'm going to go out and see what's available job-wise," I said to break the silence.
"Okay, that's probably a good idea," he said.
I quickly slipped into my room to change. I cringed as soon as I got outside, feeling the urge to run back into my new apartment and hide in my bed. I walked past retail stores, past logging trucks rumbling by, past food places with their scents wafting out their doors.
It was a lot of walking and only a couple applications later when I stopped in a bakery to pick up a couple cupcakes for Jake. The warm scent of cinnamon, chocolate, and baking scents mixed with coffee mingled in the air.
"We need that order filled by tonight!" A woman yelled as she banged through the doors of the kitchen. "Oh, hi," she said surprised to see me standing there for some reason.
"Um, hi," I said. "I'd like to get a few cupcakes to go please?"
"Sure," she replied, as I perused the different kinds. I picked out a red velvet cupcake with vanilla frosting, a chocolate cupcake with butter cream frosting, a peanut butter cupcake with peanut butter frosting, and a vanilla cupcake with chocolate frosting.
As she was putting the cupcakes in a bag, I noticed the sign in the window that I had missed previously. They were looking to hire someone full-time. "Could I fill out an application for the full-time position?" I asked as she rang me up.
"You a baker?" she asked as she rifled under the counter. "We need someone who's got enough experience in making cakes and cookies especially."
"I can make both. I mean, I don't do it extremely often, but I enjoy it and can do it," I said, fumbling a little.
"Well, the position is for some time spent here in the café doing retail, but we're expanding and becoming a catering business, too. We're looking for someone who could bake cakes and cookies and occasionally other things for weddings, birthdays, and special occasions. That can be done at home and brought in the day of."
I liked the idea of not having to deal with the noise, the people, and the questions that would inevitably be asked. I was already riddled with anxiety and the pain was ever present.
"That sounds great," I said quietly. "I'll fill it out right now."
She nodded and eyed me closely. "You okay, hun? You look a little… off," she said uncertainly as if unsure of what word to use.
If I wanted this job, I was going to have to try and pretend. I gave a better effort with my smile. "It's just been a rough week," I said trying to sound like any other person complaining about school, work, or relationships.
Her expression eased a little and she smiled. "Yeah, I know how those go!"
I filled out the application and handed it back to her. "You'll hear from me or my manager by the end of the week, Bella," she said giving me a wave.
I waved back and hurried back home; mine and Jake's home. It was going to take me a long time to get used to that.
*~*~*
JPOV
After Bella left I ate a few hot dogs, trying to curb my appetite a bit. I didn't want to eat us out of house and home; it was going to be a process. So was this whole sharing apartment thing. We both knew deep down just how much I loved her, and we both were aware of the fact that she was in love with me as well.
That didn't matter, though. What had happened with Edward took precedence because I knew right from the start what her decision was and how much this was hurting her. It was going to make things kind of difficult around here, but I was going to do my best to keep things on a friends-only level even though all I wanted to do was kiss away her pain.
It didn't help that I had woken up with a boner. I was half-asleep when I thought I felt Bella moving against me. The feel of her soft hair brushing my chest, the bared skin of her arms and legs rubbing up against me; well, I could barely help the reaction I had. I pretended I hadn't been at least partially aware that I was pressed up against her in that state to save her from more embarrassment, because I could tell when I woke up she was already embarrassed.
My only intention of going in her room last night was to help her, to hold her, and to try and ease her nightmares. I had done that, but in the process I couldn't help but notice neither of us had many clothes on. That had been proven when she stood up this morning and crossed her arms over her chest.
I couldn't help catching a glimpse of the soft skin of her stomach as she shifted her arms and of her pale, slender legs on show in a pair of boxer shorts. After she left the room to shower, I lay back with a groan. I was worried about her and yet I was attracted to her.
Seriously attracted to her.
I had no intention of letting that show; she couldn't handle too much right now. I would just have to deal with some uncomfortable moments in the privacy of the bathroom or my own bedroom.
Sighing I flicked the television on, trying to ease the worry of how I was going to handle this. I had no problems with working, but finding a full-time job at my age was going to be damn near impossible. My intentions had been pure, but I had no clue what to do first. I flipped through the classifieds section, noting a garage in the area that was hiring. It would be perfect, if only I was of legal age.
When Bella got back, I could see all the pain, the sorrow, the worry and fear in her eyes and it made it more difficult. I wouldn't give up on her; I would make this work.
She passed me a white bag that smelled like a little slice of heaven and I peeked inside. "Oh man," I sighed. "I think I'm dreaming. These look awesome, Bells. Thanks," I said as I inhaled one of them.
A ghost of a smile flickered on her lips, easing a smidge of my worry. "Try tasting them instead of inhaling them," she said.
I offered her a bite of each one, insisting she at least try it. She gave a half-hearted nibble which was something else to worry about; her appetite. "The bakery I bought these from is hiring a baker and someone to help with their expansion into catering. I applied," she told me.
"That's great, Bells. Sounds like something you would be good at. And you can certainly use me as your guinea pig."
That earned me another small smile.
The doorbell rang and we looked at each other in surprise. It was the mailman and he handed me a small package. "Sign here please," he droned.
What the hell was I receiving when we had only been here a day and a half?
I opened the envelope and my jaw nearly unhinged as I saw what was inside. A birth certificate for a Jacob Blackwater along with a fake I.D. of a picture that resembled me well enough. My age was marked as twenty-two. A note was inside:
Jacob -
You shouldn't have any problems getting a job with these. Use it wisely.
Tell Bella we love her and will call soon.
Alice
I tuned in when I heard Bella's voice. "Jake? What is it?"
I showed it to her and her eyes widened and flashed with the painful reminder. "Wow," she muttered. "I don't know, Jake…"
"It's the only thing that will get me a job," I said. I wished it didn't have to be this way, to build a life here on a lie, but there was no way around it. I was going to need to be older to get through all of this.
Bella bit her lip, as she stared down at it. "Yeah, I guess," she murmured. "You're going to have to be careful, though. If this gets back to Charlie, I'm not sure if he would feel the same," she added worriedly.
I knew I was going to have to be careful of that, so I agreed. Tucking it away safely, I decided I would go visit the garage tomorrow and check into the position they were hiring for. Bella went into the kitchen, looking half-heartedly in the freezer for something to thaw for dinner.
She seemed listless, unsure of what to do, as she paced. "I guess I'll wash the sheets," she muttered mostly to herself.
"Bells, why don't you just sit down and read? Or watch television? Or we can go outside and get acquainted with the area."
I saw her cringe at the idea. "But I need to…"
"You don't need to do anything, honey. The place was clean when we got here; the sheets were just put on the beds. Come here," I said, reaching out for her.
I could feel her shaking as I wrapped my arms around her. "I need a distraction," she mumbled shakily.
I led her to the couch, flipping the television on to some discovery channel program. She leaned into me, a little bit of the tension leaving her body, and I closed my eyes and tried to relax with the girl I loved curled up against me. She fell asleep partway through the program. I brushed her hair back from her face, gazing down at her, realizing the nightmares were keeping her from getting enough rest. I dozed off for awhile, too, until I felt the cell phone buzzing in the pocket of my jeans.
I slipped out from under Bella, laying her head on a pillow, and pulling the phone out. It was an unknown number and I knew immediately who it was. "Alice?"
"Jacob." She sounded exhausted and worn down.
"She just fell asleep… I don't think I should wake her; she's been having nightmares and isn't sleeping right," I started to say, but she cut me off.
She sighed. "I wanted to find out how she was, but I guess that answers part of my question."
"Yes, well, you all left her," I said coolly. "I know you didn't really have a choice, but she's a wreck. She's scared, she's beyond tired, she's devastated, and she cringes at the thought of just going outside."
I wanted to throw the blame at them, but I couldn't; even if I didn't like the Cullen's it didn't mean I wanted to be cruel to them. Deep down I knew they had to do this, but I couldn't help but be pissed because of Bella.
"But… you're taking care of her?" Alice asked almost pleadingly.
I leaned against the wall, closing my eyes, trying to stifle all the feelings that bubbled just under the surface. Guilt over all the times I snapped at Bella for loving Edward, for not choosing me, love for her, anger at the Cullen's for letting this happen and leaving her broken and for me having to deal with them, cautious happiness that I was here to keep an eye on her, fear for her well-being as well as her safety and above all else… confusion. I was confused over how I felt for the Cullen's and for her as I warred between love, lust, and the desire to just be her friend.
"Yes," I sighed. "I'm trying, but time will tell just how effective I'm being."
Even though she didn't have to breathe, I could hear how ragged it sounded. "Have you… um, is there any… news?" I managed to spit out what I was trying to say.
"Not so much…" she started to say when I heard a small sigh and heard Bella's footfalls coming toward me.
"Jake?" she asked softly. "Who are you talking to?"
I faltered for a second, unsure of what to do, but Alice's voice murmured in my ear, "I can't put this off; put her on the phone please. And Jake? Thank you."
I nodded stupidly and turned to Bella. I handed her the phone. "It's Alice."
Her chocolate eyes widened in shock, her pale skin flushing slightly, and she grabbed the phone. "Alice?" she gasped.
I watched, heart sinking as I saw and heard the signs of hope; her heartbeat increasing, her breathing accelerated, and the small light of hope in her eyes. This was going to hurt her, and I couldn't stop the pain.
"I miss you," she whispered, as I moved around the other side of the wall, leaning my head back against it. I could still hear Alice on the phone.
"Oh Bella, I miss you, too. We all do."
"Did you find out anything?" Her voice trembled and I clenched my teeth.
"No honey, we haven't," Alice murmured, her voice cracking. "I saw a very vague glimpse of a bare room, the Volturi, and what I believe might be the back of Edward, but we don't have much of anything to go on."
Bella was crying quietly now, and I curled my hands into fists, helpless.
"Nothing?" she gasped around her sobs. Any of the hope she had had been dashed.
"It doesn't mean we're giving up. We'll go to the ends of the earth to find him. I just don't know what's happening in the mean time and how long this will take since I'm not seeing much of anything. I think they found a way to block me."
Bella's gasping through her sobs ripped at me. "You'll still call me?" she whimpered.
"Yes, I'll call you. Let Jake help you," she added. "If he's the only one that can help you feel remotely normal, let him. Please?"
"Okay," Bella managed to mumble. "I love you Alice; all of you."
"I know, I'll tell them. I love you, too."
When she pushed the button to end the call, all was quiet. I took a deep breath, bracing myself. I pushed off the wall as she came walking back into the living room. Her eyes were red, tears were sliding quietly down her cheeks, and she looked so… she didn't look like the girl I fell in love with, but she was.
She stared at me; I moved toward her, picking her up, as she nearly crumpled to the ground. She curled into me as I carried her to the couch, sat down and cradled her on my lap. Her face was tucked into my neck and I felt her warm tears.
"They can't find him," she mumbled. Her arms tightened around me. "Don't leave me, Jake, okay?" she pleaded softly.
"Never," I promised as I held her against me, stroking her hair, and hoping beyond hope that we would somehow pull through this without too many scars
*~*~*
Chapter 5
Author: exquisite_ugly
Rating/Warnings: M (language, sexual situations)
Summary: After the newborn fight things take a different turn with the Volturi. Edward goes missing, the Cullen's leave to search for him, and Bella flees town from the pain of loss. Can Jacob help her deal with the grief a second time? AU, M for language, sex
But where are you my angel now/Don't you see me crying/And I know that you can't do it all/but you can't say I'm not trying/I'm on my knees in front of him/but he doesn't seem to see me
*~*~*
I woke slowly, feeling rather heated and confused. My eyes slowly blinked open and all I saw and felt was warm, brown skin. I turned my head this way and that, but I couldn't see beyond. Carefully I rolled over and felt a rush of cool air against the front of me while my back began to warm up.
It was then that it began to sink in; I was in bed with Jacob and he was curled around me. It was undeniably warm, which I loved, but I was afraid of the message it was sending. I knew he came in here because of my nightmare, but I couldn't help worrying.
Just as I began to roll away, he let out a small huff and slid an arm over me, effectively tucking me into him. I bit my lip, trying to shift away from him, but then my eyes widened. We ended up pressed together as he shifted closer, and I felt…him against me. What I knew about guys was pretty close to non-existent, but I wasn't entirely clueless. I had never felt this before, even with Edward, and my cheeks flamed in mortification as I felt all of Jake against my back.
Trying to carefully ease my way out from under his arm, I gently lifted it as best I could. I managed to slide out, but got my foot tangled in the sheets and I ended up falling not-so-gracefully onto the floor.
Jake gave a startled grunt. His face appeared over the edge of the bed. "Bella?" he queried, looking confused. His hair stuck up on one side, eyes fuzzy with sleep, and he had crease marks on his cheek. "What are you doing on the floor?" he asked his voice even huskier than normal.
"It wasn't planned," I said dryly. "I was trying to get up, but I was pinned by your arm." He didn't need to know about what else happened. All that would do was make us both turn red and be uncomfortable.
"Sorry," he said with a huge yawn and flopped back on the bed.
I stood up, all of a sudden fully aware of the fact that I was wearing a faded pair of boxers and a flimsy tank-top. Jake's eyes met mine as I tried to casually cross my arms over my chest.
"I'm going to go shower," I mumbled, feeling my cheeks heat as I hurried out of the room. Carefully I poked just my head back into my room.
"Thank you," I whispered.
He smiled, stretched out on his side, his head resting on his arm. "Sure sure," he said softly.
After a hot shower, I stood towel-drying my hair, when my nightmare came back to me. I wrapped my arms tightly around my middle, kneeling on the floor, missing Edward and scared for him so much it was a physical ache. Tears blurred my vision as I tried breathing slow and deep. I didn't know how long I was on the floor, but suddenly I heard knocking.
"Bella? Are you okay?" Jake asked worriedly.
I brushed the tears from my cheeks, pulled my robe on, and opened the door. I tried to avert my gaze; I had been worrying Jake enough and I was beginning to feel bad about that. He caught my chin in his fingers, though, and he tilted my face up. My eyes were definitely red from crying, and he brushed his thumb over my cheek, catching a stray tear I missed.
"I'm going to go out and see what's available job-wise," I said to break the silence.
"Okay, that's probably a good idea," he said.
I quickly slipped into my room to change. I cringed as soon as I got outside, feeling the urge to run back into my new apartment and hide in my bed. I walked past retail stores, past logging trucks rumbling by, past food places with their scents wafting out their doors.
It was a lot of walking and only a couple applications later when I stopped in a bakery to pick up a couple cupcakes for Jake. The warm scent of cinnamon, chocolate, and baking scents mixed with coffee mingled in the air.
"We need that order filled by tonight!" A woman yelled as she banged through the doors of the kitchen. "Oh, hi," she said surprised to see me standing there for some reason.
"Um, hi," I said. "I'd like to get a few cupcakes to go please?"
"Sure," she replied, as I perused the different kinds. I picked out a red velvet cupcake with vanilla frosting, a chocolate cupcake with butter cream frosting, a peanut butter cupcake with peanut butter frosting, and a vanilla cupcake with chocolate frosting.
As she was putting the cupcakes in a bag, I noticed the sign in the window that I had missed previously. They were looking to hire someone full-time. "Could I fill out an application for the full-time position?" I asked as she rang me up.
"You a baker?" she asked as she rifled under the counter. "We need someone who's got enough experience in making cakes and cookies especially."
"I can make both. I mean, I don't do it extremely often, but I enjoy it and can do it," I said, fumbling a little.
"Well, the position is for some time spent here in the café doing retail, but we're expanding and becoming a catering business, too. We're looking for someone who could bake cakes and cookies and occasionally other things for weddings, birthdays, and special occasions. That can be done at home and brought in the day of."
I liked the idea of not having to deal with the noise, the people, and the questions that would inevitably be asked. I was already riddled with anxiety and the pain was ever present.
"That sounds great," I said quietly. "I'll fill it out right now."
She nodded and eyed me closely. "You okay, hun? You look a little… off," she said uncertainly as if unsure of what word to use.
If I wanted this job, I was going to have to try and pretend. I gave a better effort with my smile. "It's just been a rough week," I said trying to sound like any other person complaining about school, work, or relationships.
Her expression eased a little and she smiled. "Yeah, I know how those go!"
I filled out the application and handed it back to her. "You'll hear from me or my manager by the end of the week, Bella," she said giving me a wave.
I waved back and hurried back home; mine and Jake's home. It was going to take me a long time to get used to that.
*~*~*
JPOV
After Bella left I ate a few hot dogs, trying to curb my appetite a bit. I didn't want to eat us out of house and home; it was going to be a process. So was this whole sharing apartment thing. We both knew deep down just how much I loved her, and we both were aware of the fact that she was in love with me as well.
That didn't matter, though. What had happened with Edward took precedence because I knew right from the start what her decision was and how much this was hurting her. It was going to make things kind of difficult around here, but I was going to do my best to keep things on a friends-only level even though all I wanted to do was kiss away her pain.
It didn't help that I had woken up with a boner. I was half-asleep when I thought I felt Bella moving against me. The feel of her soft hair brushing my chest, the bared skin of her arms and legs rubbing up against me; well, I could barely help the reaction I had. I pretended I hadn't been at least partially aware that I was pressed up against her in that state to save her from more embarrassment, because I could tell when I woke up she was already embarrassed.
My only intention of going in her room last night was to help her, to hold her, and to try and ease her nightmares. I had done that, but in the process I couldn't help but notice neither of us had many clothes on. That had been proven when she stood up this morning and crossed her arms over her chest.
I couldn't help catching a glimpse of the soft skin of her stomach as she shifted her arms and of her pale, slender legs on show in a pair of boxer shorts. After she left the room to shower, I lay back with a groan. I was worried about her and yet I was attracted to her.
Seriously attracted to her.
I had no intention of letting that show; she couldn't handle too much right now. I would just have to deal with some uncomfortable moments in the privacy of the bathroom or my own bedroom.
Sighing I flicked the television on, trying to ease the worry of how I was going to handle this. I had no problems with working, but finding a full-time job at my age was going to be damn near impossible. My intentions had been pure, but I had no clue what to do first. I flipped through the classifieds section, noting a garage in the area that was hiring. It would be perfect, if only I was of legal age.
When Bella got back, I could see all the pain, the sorrow, the worry and fear in her eyes and it made it more difficult. I wouldn't give up on her; I would make this work.
She passed me a white bag that smelled like a little slice of heaven and I peeked inside. "Oh man," I sighed. "I think I'm dreaming. These look awesome, Bells. Thanks," I said as I inhaled one of them.
A ghost of a smile flickered on her lips, easing a smidge of my worry. "Try tasting them instead of inhaling them," she said.
I offered her a bite of each one, insisting she at least try it. She gave a half-hearted nibble which was something else to worry about; her appetite. "The bakery I bought these from is hiring a baker and someone to help with their expansion into catering. I applied," she told me.
"That's great, Bells. Sounds like something you would be good at. And you can certainly use me as your guinea pig."
That earned me another small smile.
The doorbell rang and we looked at each other in surprise. It was the mailman and he handed me a small package. "Sign here please," he droned.
What the hell was I receiving when we had only been here a day and a half?
I opened the envelope and my jaw nearly unhinged as I saw what was inside. A birth certificate for a Jacob Blackwater along with a fake I.D. of a picture that resembled me well enough. My age was marked as twenty-two. A note was inside:
Jacob -
You shouldn't have any problems getting a job with these. Use it wisely.
Tell Bella we love her and will call soon.
Alice
I tuned in when I heard Bella's voice. "Jake? What is it?"
I showed it to her and her eyes widened and flashed with the painful reminder. "Wow," she muttered. "I don't know, Jake…"
"It's the only thing that will get me a job," I said. I wished it didn't have to be this way, to build a life here on a lie, but there was no way around it. I was going to need to be older to get through all of this.
Bella bit her lip, as she stared down at it. "Yeah, I guess," she murmured. "You're going to have to be careful, though. If this gets back to Charlie, I'm not sure if he would feel the same," she added worriedly.
I knew I was going to have to be careful of that, so I agreed. Tucking it away safely, I decided I would go visit the garage tomorrow and check into the position they were hiring for. Bella went into the kitchen, looking half-heartedly in the freezer for something to thaw for dinner.
She seemed listless, unsure of what to do, as she paced. "I guess I'll wash the sheets," she muttered mostly to herself.
"Bells, why don't you just sit down and read? Or watch television? Or we can go outside and get acquainted with the area."
I saw her cringe at the idea. "But I need to…"
"You don't need to do anything, honey. The place was clean when we got here; the sheets were just put on the beds. Come here," I said, reaching out for her.
I could feel her shaking as I wrapped my arms around her. "I need a distraction," she mumbled shakily.
I led her to the couch, flipping the television on to some discovery channel program. She leaned into me, a little bit of the tension leaving her body, and I closed my eyes and tried to relax with the girl I loved curled up against me. She fell asleep partway through the program. I brushed her hair back from her face, gazing down at her, realizing the nightmares were keeping her from getting enough rest. I dozed off for awhile, too, until I felt the cell phone buzzing in the pocket of my jeans.
I slipped out from under Bella, laying her head on a pillow, and pulling the phone out. It was an unknown number and I knew immediately who it was. "Alice?"
"Jacob." She sounded exhausted and worn down.
"She just fell asleep… I don't think I should wake her; she's been having nightmares and isn't sleeping right," I started to say, but she cut me off.
She sighed. "I wanted to find out how she was, but I guess that answers part of my question."
"Yes, well, you all left her," I said coolly. "I know you didn't really have a choice, but she's a wreck. She's scared, she's beyond tired, she's devastated, and she cringes at the thought of just going outside."
I wanted to throw the blame at them, but I couldn't; even if I didn't like the Cullen's it didn't mean I wanted to be cruel to them. Deep down I knew they had to do this, but I couldn't help but be pissed because of Bella.
"But… you're taking care of her?" Alice asked almost pleadingly.
I leaned against the wall, closing my eyes, trying to stifle all the feelings that bubbled just under the surface. Guilt over all the times I snapped at Bella for loving Edward, for not choosing me, love for her, anger at the Cullen's for letting this happen and leaving her broken and for me having to deal with them, cautious happiness that I was here to keep an eye on her, fear for her well-being as well as her safety and above all else… confusion. I was confused over how I felt for the Cullen's and for her as I warred between love, lust, and the desire to just be her friend.
"Yes," I sighed. "I'm trying, but time will tell just how effective I'm being."
Even though she didn't have to breathe, I could hear how ragged it sounded. "Have you… um, is there any… news?" I managed to spit out what I was trying to say.
"Not so much…" she started to say when I heard a small sigh and heard Bella's footfalls coming toward me.
"Jake?" she asked softly. "Who are you talking to?"
I faltered for a second, unsure of what to do, but Alice's voice murmured in my ear, "I can't put this off; put her on the phone please. And Jake? Thank you."
I nodded stupidly and turned to Bella. I handed her the phone. "It's Alice."
Her chocolate eyes widened in shock, her pale skin flushing slightly, and she grabbed the phone. "Alice?" she gasped.
I watched, heart sinking as I saw and heard the signs of hope; her heartbeat increasing, her breathing accelerated, and the small light of hope in her eyes. This was going to hurt her, and I couldn't stop the pain.
"I miss you," she whispered, as I moved around the other side of the wall, leaning my head back against it. I could still hear Alice on the phone.
"Oh Bella, I miss you, too. We all do."
"Did you find out anything?" Her voice trembled and I clenched my teeth.
"No honey, we haven't," Alice murmured, her voice cracking. "I saw a very vague glimpse of a bare room, the Volturi, and what I believe might be the back of Edward, but we don't have much of anything to go on."
Bella was crying quietly now, and I curled my hands into fists, helpless.
"Nothing?" she gasped around her sobs. Any of the hope she had had been dashed.
"It doesn't mean we're giving up. We'll go to the ends of the earth to find him. I just don't know what's happening in the mean time and how long this will take since I'm not seeing much of anything. I think they found a way to block me."
Bella's gasping through her sobs ripped at me. "You'll still call me?" she whimpered.
"Yes, I'll call you. Let Jake help you," she added. "If he's the only one that can help you feel remotely normal, let him. Please?"
"Okay," Bella managed to mumble. "I love you Alice; all of you."
"I know, I'll tell them. I love you, too."
When she pushed the button to end the call, all was quiet. I took a deep breath, bracing myself. I pushed off the wall as she came walking back into the living room. Her eyes were red, tears were sliding quietly down her cheeks, and she looked so… she didn't look like the girl I fell in love with, but she was.
She stared at me; I moved toward her, picking her up, as she nearly crumpled to the ground. She curled into me as I carried her to the couch, sat down and cradled her on my lap. Her face was tucked into my neck and I felt her warm tears.
"They can't find him," she mumbled. Her arms tightened around me. "Don't leave me, Jake, okay?" she pleaded softly.
"Never," I promised as I held her against me, stroking her hair, and hoping beyond hope that we would somehow pull through this without too many scars
*~*~*
Chapter 5