And now, some words from your friendly neighborhood block captain.

[expectremorse]

[Earlier in the evening the Hoffman's held their annual Christmas Party. You may have noticed quite a few cars out in front and people passing packages back and forth. It was pretty attractive

Comments

[can_has_vodka]

Oooo, this doesn't look good. Mark, love, I think you might need a good sweetgrass smudging and a spot of tea--

[And back on screen he comes with the chainsaw and she goes O.O]

...Or perhaps we're past that by this point.

[expectremorse]

[That mask man stares at her for a moment before raising the chainsaw and indicating her house. Your trees?]

[can_has_vodka]

[Meep!]

Um...unless you want a Christmas apple tree the ones on my land won't do you much good...

[expectremorse]

[Chainsaw killer is angry! BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ. Behind him on the video however is his wife kathy-shouting]

[stildyne]

...Mark please put that chainsaw down.

[expectremorse]

[Just a single headshake]

[stildyne]

[He's going inside to start cleaning up. He's not even going to try. May God have mercy on them all.]

[stildyne]

[So Mark finally had a psychotic break. It's very sad.

The house will be shockingly cleaner when he gets home, if he gets home. The cat will be sleeping in a warm fluffy towel. The leftovers will be arranged in military precision in the fridge. The guests will have been seen off with pie. The decorations that could be salvaged will be gleaming; those that couldn't were given a quick and merciful death.

So Mark is going to get killed or go to jail. That's sad. Everything new. Everything clean.

It is a Christmas Miracle stress clean.]

[Spam]

[most_feared]

[Oh god. Is that a chainsaw outside? The Colonel puts down his book and goes to the window, after giving the network a healthy dose of ignorance.

Why the fuck is there a man with a hockey mask outside cutting down his tree?

Like hell itself followed with him, he marches up the stared and gets the pump action Mossberg. Why? Because he wants the sound of his gun being readied to tell you just what sort of fucked up you've managed. And this is a good healthy dose of fucked up.

He swings open the door, and as the sound of the chainsaw ebs down, the CHNKchnk of the pump action replaces it.] The hell is going on here?

Re: [Spam]

[expectremorse]

[The masked man can only stare at him. The chainsaw thunks a few times.

It points to the beautiful evergreen covered with a delicate dusting of snow.]

[Spam]

[most_feared]

You got to the count of three to put that chainsaw down, son, or you're leavin' with a superfluous custom designed shotgun edition asshole. Do you understand me?

[The Colonel apparently had all the fear that would normally be there from horror films PTSDed right out of him.]

Re: [Spam]

[expectremorse]

[The other man stands up straighter and pulls off his mask. He looks...psychotic. Far more psychotic then people have ever seen (and yet, a lot of people might not be surprised)]

Colonel K-

[pause. Then. He slips the mask back up and points the ever-so-slightly rumbly chainsaw at the tree. Don't make this tougher.]

[surfaceshine]

Dean knew something was up as soon as the shouting died down. He'd managed to stay clear of most of it, somehow, miraculously (probably while breaking into someone's house to leave cookies and a wrench set; everyone likes cookies and tools, right?), but call it a sixth sense for chaos, or perhaps a Christmas miracle if one were so inclined, because now he's walking slowly back down the block and he detects... danger.

Rightfully so, apparently. He spots Mark, and his steps slow, and his eyes go slightly wide.

"Um. Uncle Mark?"

[expectremorse]

Mark stared at him, eyes slits behind his...surprisingly screen accurate Friday the 13th mask. Then he pulls the mask open. He's smiling.

"Yeah?"

[surfaceshine]

Suspicious Dean is suspicious.

"...need some help?" He smiles back.

[expectremorse]

He looks around for a moment before shrugging, "No. Just going to get a tree."

He slips the mask on over again and picks up the chainsaw.

[timesbureaucrat]

[Paranoid Nathan sees a wild, hockey mask wearing man with a chainsaw.]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD, THAT THING KILLED MARK!

[That's a logical conclusion to jump to, right? And he's running off to lock all the doors and get a shotgun.]

[expectremorse]

[Somewhere, Hoffman's wife will be groaning. She's too stuck with her husband however for it to be-normal.]