red light
here i am. returning to vent.
the last guy came & went. i lost 10 pounds because of that loss. i can't even believe how much he affected my life. then again, i can. i get so involved, i trust so easily, i fall so deeply, it's no wonder i'm such a mess when someone tells me they no longer want me.
i hate replaying the good memories though - all of the sweet things he did. he's fooling himself if he believes it'll work with her. i wish i could be there the day when he realizes that it was a mistake to let me go. & eventually that day will come. maybe when he's at bootcamp.. maybe when he's lying in bed next to her.. maybe when he sees all of those pictures i took of him & the lil guy.
he's an idiot. i never deserved to be pulled into that situation & torn apart. no one deserves that. yet, i still feel like it's my fault it all fell apart. but then i remember that this was the first time [in a long time] that i did absolutely everything right.
i've heard that your 20's are the most delirious part of your life. most of the time i'm having a blast with my friends & family. i've made amazing memories the last few years. but there are moments when i wonder why i haven't met someone who's willing to provide as much love as i can. one day it'll happen & i'll read over these entries & smile. until then, i'll be patient & continue to focus on myself. life always works itself out, right? heartbreaks make you stronger & provide you with knowledge that will help in later relationships.
& i just read a few of my brother's entries. it's amazing how similar we are.. the only difference is that he words his thoughts better than i ever could.. & possibly even reads my mind without even knowing. next paragraph is something he wrote for/about himself, but describes exactly how i feel & act after every let down or break up. amazing, but sad.
And every remnant of me is gone. Every last bit deleted, burned, thrown out or forgotten, I'm sure. But my nature will have me keep my memories. Years from now I'll drag across an old picture with a weighted hand and say, "oh." They won't hear it, but my simple interjection will make deaf my thoughts - a clear mind remembering the last good, "goodnight," and the "goodbye," that followed - the true hopeless romantic, romanticizing every instant in an effort to keep alive the ones that have passed.