i can't be as sorry as you think i should.
I'm on glass #7 of merlot? possibly #8? who knows, i've been re-filling before my glass is even empty. lots to think about. lots to sort through. i don't understand why i've neglected livejournal all of this time. i love to write. in fact, i just mentioned that to a girlfriend of mine.....writing helped me find myself. writing helped me to discover what i love and look for in life. so why walk away? too busy? to proud? who knows. but i'm back, & hopefully it's for good.
i'm not surprised that he did not want to meet with me today. i knew he wasn't going to respond....but like always, i had hope. i believed that the guy i knew and loved would shine through. that he would be able to push his pride aside and sit down for a lunch/dinner. i don't know why i always tend to focus on the positive in people. i'm not exactly sure if that's a good or bad thing. how could it be good though? because in the end, i always set my own hopes up for failure.
he is the one that i will always wonder "what if?" what if we met when we were 25? i would have been smarter. i would have been more mature. i would have cherished his love and not cheated. but how can i even say that? because, don't we learn how to live our lives through our mistakes? i just wonder when i'll finally wake up and not think about him for 24 hours.
i've found someone. i feel like this could possibly last for awhile...a long while. how do we even know that? is that a girl thing, or something guys think about as well? him and i have an even amount of friendship and love.. & that's all i've been looking/hoping for. my mom was right, something came along when i least expected it.
tooo bad there is someone else, hiding around the corner, making me question everything i just welcomed. life, really is crazy. none of us really know where we're going to end up. & to me, that's kind of scary.
i wish i knew where i was going to be headed in 3 months. but does anyone ever really know where their future is headed? damn it, i don't know why this whole entry is filled with questions. i guess i'm somewhat lost. well, not lost... just wandering through life not sure of where i'm going. this will probably be the weirdest part of my life.
my lips and teeth are purple. i should probably stop drinking for the night. and stop writing for now.
goodnight livejournal world. maybe one day we'll all figure it out.
- Ray
"for once i want to be the car crash - not always just the traffic jam - hit me hard enough to wake me"