(no subject)
ALLEN WALKERS: A GUIDE IN OWNERSHIP
AS WRITTEN BY ARTHUR PENDRAGON
1. Frequently call him an idiot. For he very much is one, and cannot adequately improve or realize such times without your assistance. It will also stop his ego from growing any further.
2. You must feed your Allen almost as frequently as you call him an idiot. Unfed Allen’s tend to have loud stomachs, whine, and become generally more useless than usual.
3. Added in with their daily care, one must have a first aide kit within easy reach at all times. Allens have a rather annoying habit of being self-sacrificing, reckless in battle, and do occasionally take a tumble down the stairs. Your Allens will not respond well to holy healing of any sort, so do not try it.
4. You must allow your Allen to play card games. He does enjoy them and a happy Allen makes for a happier you…In theory. It often also results in headaches. He does cheat at them, but as they are one of very, very few things he can do correctly, are a necessary hobby.
5. As well, Allens have one rather strange looking arm. It is termed ‘Innocence’. This arm tends to make your Allen feel self conscious and rather ugly, while we all know Allens are rather adorable in nature, one must often show them this. When it is ungloved you should take every available opportunity to touch it. It shocks him quite wonderfully.
6. Tracing back to their idiocy, unfortunately, anything and everything is your Allens fault and can be traced back to him. It is often not done with malicious intent, so one must love their Allen despite this.
7. Allens can and will sleep on any available surface. This can often be problematic because it is rude and unseemly, as well as your Allens have some horribly obnoxious being inside them. This being may wake up if your Allen has fallen asleep and if he is alone this causes more trouble than it is worth.
8. If you encounter this other being, act as if you have forgotten him, laugh at him, and generally inform him how useless he is, before calling your Allen by his correct name to get rid of him.
9. You need not refer to your Allen by his given name very often, if at all outside of those instances. In fact, he enjoys being called a multitude of names, ranging from simple things like ‘Wallen’ to sweet endearments like ‘darling’. Despite his protests, you should make frequent use of them.
10. Wall your Allen frequently, or allow him to do the same to you. This is not an accurate representation of how I treat my Allen.
…I haven’t any idea about any sort of cave.