Borrowed time
It's hard to put this into words, especially with these new meds playing chemical warfare in my brain. I can feel the meds as they work. As I look around me all I can feel is desolation, but the meds stop the thought from even happening and I just feel. I am relaxed. I see things going wrong left and right, but I stay balanced more so than usual. The meds are working to some degree as I sit and face the dark corner, I see great things within my vision. I worked out for the first time today in.. well I can't remember the last time I worked out. The meds make doing school work almost a bitch because they semi-space me out. Not as bad as when I first started on them, but it's still there. Things are pretty rough right now and to be honest I don't see a silver lining in my future, but with medication I can at least see the top of the hole. I sit and look up to the beautiful sky from the depths and it puts me in a state of awe. One of the things I hate about meds though is the inability to feel what you trully feel, however, the side argument there is what you are trully feeling is probably a chemical inbalance that you should not be feeling at all.
I know things are bad right now because of the little signs I see around me. The meds are helping me to ride the wave and to continue forward. I think without them with the state I am at... I don't really want to think that. You have any idea of what it's like to want so much but you know half of the problem is your own insanity? The way I deal with things is at least 40% of the problems with my life. 50% is circumstances that are not within my control, and maybe a whole 10% is actual choices I make myself that effect my life. Hence why I am going to a doctor in the first place. I have actually come to a point where my inner demons are way too strong. The person I am is losing the battle within. It's difficult to explain especially with the confliction of the meds trying to be the shoulder to lean on. One of the things I hate about medication is the crutch factor but at this point I need it. Hell, I will be honest at this stage in my life I need a damned wheel chair.
I see all the things I want to do, but cannot do to whatever reason and it's like a shitty repeating cycle. I cannot do Y because of X and because of X I can't do Y. For example, I cannot take someone out because of the inability to support myself which makes me feel shitty, and feeling shitty is what causes me to not be able to afford taking someone out. It's a vicious circle but one I have dealt with for 9 years. It's time I try another route. So I am going to a doctor. But each fucking time I go, I feel so nervous, and ready to bolt. What memories I have not blacked out always seem to surface when I am in that waiting room. Things I went through as a kid and frankly is my life really bad enough to go through that again? Sadly the answer is yes.
I just needed to get that out. Typing like a robot on feelings that are so conflicted is very tough, but I just felt that inside and it needed to get out there. I think with a little more tweaking I will not have to feel like this again or at least be able to retake the control that I have been lacking for some time. While the booze worked rather well, I get tired of people giving me shit about it. Like when they are drunk they are not retarded. Of course there is drunk and then there was my drinking which would put die hard alcoholics to shame. Regardless, I do not like being reminded about it all the time. Now as I finish this last cigarette of the day I go to sleep. Knowing that it always has to get worse before it will get better, but afraid of how much worse it can get.........
I know things are bad right now because of the little signs I see around me. The meds are helping me to ride the wave and to continue forward. I think without them with the state I am at... I don't really want to think that. You have any idea of what it's like to want so much but you know half of the problem is your own insanity? The way I deal with things is at least 40% of the problems with my life. 50% is circumstances that are not within my control, and maybe a whole 10% is actual choices I make myself that effect my life. Hence why I am going to a doctor in the first place. I have actually come to a point where my inner demons are way too strong. The person I am is losing the battle within. It's difficult to explain especially with the confliction of the meds trying to be the shoulder to lean on. One of the things I hate about medication is the crutch factor but at this point I need it. Hell, I will be honest at this stage in my life I need a damned wheel chair.
I see all the things I want to do, but cannot do to whatever reason and it's like a shitty repeating cycle. I cannot do Y because of X and because of X I can't do Y. For example, I cannot take someone out because of the inability to support myself which makes me feel shitty, and feeling shitty is what causes me to not be able to afford taking someone out. It's a vicious circle but one I have dealt with for 9 years. It's time I try another route. So I am going to a doctor. But each fucking time I go, I feel so nervous, and ready to bolt. What memories I have not blacked out always seem to surface when I am in that waiting room. Things I went through as a kid and frankly is my life really bad enough to go through that again? Sadly the answer is yes.
I just needed to get that out. Typing like a robot on feelings that are so conflicted is very tough, but I just felt that inside and it needed to get out there. I think with a little more tweaking I will not have to feel like this again or at least be able to retake the control that I have been lacking for some time. While the booze worked rather well, I get tired of people giving me shit about it. Like when they are drunk they are not retarded. Of course there is drunk and then there was my drinking which would put die hard alcoholics to shame. Regardless, I do not like being reminded about it all the time. Now as I finish this last cigarette of the day I go to sleep. Knowing that it always has to get worse before it will get better, but afraid of how much worse it can get.........