Herz steht still
I can not honestly tell whether life is really this bad, or if am I going through a phase in life where I must learn. I awoke this morning in a grand mood, but as the day tread onward and things began to weigh in on my soul, things began to get darker. It's like watching on the outside hoping things will lessen up, but they just get worse. It's as though all the things I have been fighting for the past while had suddenly caught up with me. Today was one of those days where things just got too much. I felt this coming for a few days now and the invega has been helping stem the tide of darkness, but I knew it was only a matter of time before I came crashing down. Today was that day. Every little thing that has eaten at my heart, everything that has annoyed me, every little anger, every pretense, everything literally was just hurting me. The medicine is like a helpful friend trying to keep me on an even keel and keeping the worlds troubles off of me, but today it failed and so did I. I just want nothing but to sleep today. To fall into that realm where things no matter how bad always right themselves when you wake up. This is all like a bad dream where I hope to wake up.
You ever talk to yourself? Ever just have full conversations in your mind where you realize the only other person that might make sense of the world around you is yourself. So you converse in your mind about what is going wrong, and yourself answers you as though you were another person asking what they should do. I do this way more often then I should. I know I do not have multiple personalities. However, I can't help but feel torn sometimes when things around me are getting to me, and a part of me says, "Deal with it. It just gets worse. So face it and accept." While another part of me is saying, "It's all too much. It's too big, and how can I change any of this?" This goes on in my head so often, I could write a book on how to talk to yourself. How to calm your own emotions when things are getting too "real."
As I said though I am glad this came on now instead of in a few days from now. I was fighting it to the best of my ability because as my mind put it, "How bad would it be to feel this when the party comes?" It's a valid point. As the host I must be in a good mood, I must be happy. I must be able to have enjoyment and must be there for others to be happy as well. Each year I throw this party and each year I get nervous about how it will go down. For three hundred and sixty four days out of the year my life is a constant changing heap of shit, my friends fight, my family life is weird, my own emotions are destroyed, my girlfriends cheat, my world is in chaos. However, one day out of that year I throw a party. This party is different from all the other parties. We do not celebrate our uniqueness, we do not quarrel, we throw caution to the wind and simply have a single night of enjoyment. We all get along together for this one night, whereas other nights we might not. On this one night we enjoy the company of our fellows and we celebrate life. I think I am probably one of the only people that sees the Easter party in this fashion, but that would be the way I think. You cannot be mad on this day. You must enjoy life. Do not dwell on all that you were not given, but celebrate everything you do have. Do not concern yourself with how each friend you have would stab you in the back for their own reasons. Enjoy a hug as you all sing and enjoy just being friends. On this one night of the year I only ask that each of my friends and myself enjoys the night. Too often there is bickering of a retarded nature. Too often there is this air of anger and rage toward one person or another. I don't want to hear about the fact that you hate X person. I don't want to hear how you cannot act like an adult for one day. I do not want to hear how you dislike X. This is the one night where you just enjoy life. Stop worrying about.
Maybe that is my problem. Is my emotions are directly tied to how those around me feel. I am surrounded by people that hate life, I am surrounded by people that don't care about anything or anyone. I was lying on the couch and it occurred to me that few people in this world really care about anything. I wanted to watch the end of The Postman. The part here Kevin Costner has to fight the bad guy. It gets to a point where Kevin Costner's character is going to lose, and the bad guy tells him the reason is because he doesn't believe in anything, he doesn't care about anything, he doesn't value anything. That's all I seem to see when I look around the world. People that don't value anything, they don't care about anything. People that only act the way they do because they don't know any better. People that act the way they do because they want others to feel the pain they are dealing with. It permeates everything and I feel it like a cancer. When a person enters my house has a problem, I cannot explain it I just feel differently. It's as though I can feel them. I know that on a psych exam they ask you whether you can "feel" what others are feeling, and you are supposed to say no because if you say you can they have this notion you cannot. But I do. I feel others around me, I feel life. It's a crazy thought yes, but no more crazy than anything else in life.
I intend to lie down now. Tomorrow, I will awake and everything will be perfectly fine in my head. It will be as it is always a complete reboot of the system and began once again fresh and whole. However, those around me do not reboot when they sleep. They continue the days bullshit and it becomes once more another day. However, two days from now I will be filled with joy. Because everyone else around me will also feel joy. For this one day they will be released from their bonds of darkness and the light will shine and we will be free to enjoy life. Enjoy friendship, enjoy love, and everything else. It is a pitty that it requires getting fucked up to actually happen, but it is but a small sacrifice to have one day out the year where you don't feel like everything around you is evil, everything around you is out to destroy you, and everyone you know has no heart. It's the one day where our heart stands still.
You ever talk to yourself? Ever just have full conversations in your mind where you realize the only other person that might make sense of the world around you is yourself. So you converse in your mind about what is going wrong, and yourself answers you as though you were another person asking what they should do. I do this way more often then I should. I know I do not have multiple personalities. However, I can't help but feel torn sometimes when things around me are getting to me, and a part of me says, "Deal with it. It just gets worse. So face it and accept." While another part of me is saying, "It's all too much. It's too big, and how can I change any of this?" This goes on in my head so often, I could write a book on how to talk to yourself. How to calm your own emotions when things are getting too "real."
As I said though I am glad this came on now instead of in a few days from now. I was fighting it to the best of my ability because as my mind put it, "How bad would it be to feel this when the party comes?" It's a valid point. As the host I must be in a good mood, I must be happy. I must be able to have enjoyment and must be there for others to be happy as well. Each year I throw this party and each year I get nervous about how it will go down. For three hundred and sixty four days out of the year my life is a constant changing heap of shit, my friends fight, my family life is weird, my own emotions are destroyed, my girlfriends cheat, my world is in chaos. However, one day out of that year I throw a party. This party is different from all the other parties. We do not celebrate our uniqueness, we do not quarrel, we throw caution to the wind and simply have a single night of enjoyment. We all get along together for this one night, whereas other nights we might not. On this one night we enjoy the company of our fellows and we celebrate life. I think I am probably one of the only people that sees the Easter party in this fashion, but that would be the way I think. You cannot be mad on this day. You must enjoy life. Do not dwell on all that you were not given, but celebrate everything you do have. Do not concern yourself with how each friend you have would stab you in the back for their own reasons. Enjoy a hug as you all sing and enjoy just being friends. On this one night of the year I only ask that each of my friends and myself enjoys the night. Too often there is bickering of a retarded nature. Too often there is this air of anger and rage toward one person or another. I don't want to hear about the fact that you hate X person. I don't want to hear how you cannot act like an adult for one day. I do not want to hear how you dislike X. This is the one night where you just enjoy life. Stop worrying about.
Maybe that is my problem. Is my emotions are directly tied to how those around me feel. I am surrounded by people that hate life, I am surrounded by people that don't care about anything or anyone. I was lying on the couch and it occurred to me that few people in this world really care about anything. I wanted to watch the end of The Postman. The part here Kevin Costner has to fight the bad guy. It gets to a point where Kevin Costner's character is going to lose, and the bad guy tells him the reason is because he doesn't believe in anything, he doesn't care about anything, he doesn't value anything. That's all I seem to see when I look around the world. People that don't value anything, they don't care about anything. People that only act the way they do because they don't know any better. People that act the way they do because they want others to feel the pain they are dealing with. It permeates everything and I feel it like a cancer. When a person enters my house has a problem, I cannot explain it I just feel differently. It's as though I can feel them. I know that on a psych exam they ask you whether you can "feel" what others are feeling, and you are supposed to say no because if you say you can they have this notion you cannot. But I do. I feel others around me, I feel life. It's a crazy thought yes, but no more crazy than anything else in life.
I intend to lie down now. Tomorrow, I will awake and everything will be perfectly fine in my head. It will be as it is always a complete reboot of the system and began once again fresh and whole. However, those around me do not reboot when they sleep. They continue the days bullshit and it becomes once more another day. However, two days from now I will be filled with joy. Because everyone else around me will also feel joy. For this one day they will be released from their bonds of darkness and the light will shine and we will be free to enjoy life. Enjoy friendship, enjoy love, and everything else. It is a pitty that it requires getting fucked up to actually happen, but it is but a small sacrifice to have one day out the year where you don't feel like everything around you is evil, everything around you is out to destroy you, and everyone you know has no heart. It's the one day where our heart stands still.