Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: Breadbox Edition
Because of a PowerPoint presentation I had to prepare, I was unable to finish the Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow Breadbox Edition for today. It will be finished soon, because I only have a few more scenes to get through, but I just didn't have time this weekend. Instead, I decided to put up the second HP BBE because it was pretty well edited beforehand. I didn't really have to edit it because I was always satisfied with this one. It's one of my favorites, probably because the movie is also one of my favorites. I hope everyone enjoys it.
(Author’s Note: Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling and all associates and not me. Dr. Evadne’s Warning: Please remember to take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to direct sunlight. May impair your ability to drive or operate heavy machinery. Anyone who fails to abide by the warning is responsible for their own indignation. Big thanks to the Editing Room for inspiration, Kit O’Brien for suggestions, and Marty and Molly for seeing this with me and not killing me when I laughed at completely inappropriate moments.)
HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS: BREADBOX EDITION
FADE IN:
EXT. SUBURBAN SPRAWL CONQUERS THE WORLD
HARRY POTTER
Sorry I didn’t name you in the last movie, Hedwig.
HEDWIG
Damn straight.
HARRY
I have blue eyes now. You’re all just going to
have to deal with it.
RABID HARRY POTTER FANS
Argh! Desecration!
MR. DURSLEY
Harry, get down here so we can heap abuse on you.
MRS. DURSLEY
Because we’re still bastards.
DUDLEY DURSLEY
And even uglier, if that’s at all possible.
HARRY
That’s all right. I still have my preternatural patience.
MR. DURSLEY
If you ruin my party, I’ll hang, draw and quarter
you, and leave you for the wolves.
INT. HARRY’S RED AND GOLD ROOM
DOBBY
Harry Potter must trust Dobby.
HARRY looks in DOBBY’S general direction.
HARRY
Why? You’re a poorly dressed CGI who speaks in the
third person and gives no evidence whatsoever to
back up your claims.
DOBBY
Harry Potter must trust Dobby or the house-elf gets it, sir!
DOBBY beats the CRAP out of himself.
MR. DURSLEY
That’s just our 40 lb cat.
DOBBY
I bet Harry Potter is wondering where Dobby was keeping
these cards? And why they are all the same size and shape?
HARRY
Not really, no.
DOBBY
Harry Potter must trust Dobby or Dobby will drop
the magic floating truffle.
HARRY
I’ll just sneak out and grab it. I’m sure it won’t look like
it’s my fault should something happen.
MRS. MASON
Oh, a truffle has dropped on my head. How surprising.
MINISTRY OF MAGIC
Huh, magic has been performed at Harry Potter’s
house. Eh, who cares?
EXT. SUBURBAN SPRAWL CONQUERS THE WORLD
MR. DURSLEY
We will never let you out of your room again. No one
will ever notice you’re gone. It’s not like they have
magic to help find you or anything.
HARRY makes a wish on a SHOOTING CAR.
RON WEASLEY
Hey, Harry. We’re here to save you.
AUDIENCE
My, Ron’s voice has gotten deep over the summer.
HARRY
We?
FRED AND/OR GEORGE
Yeah, we’re actually in some of this movie.
RON, FRED AND/OR GEORGE pull the bars off HARRY’S window. NO ONE notices but the DURSLEYS.
EXT. THE BURROW, EVEN IF IT ISN’T EXPLICITLY CALLED THAT
HARRY stands around amazed at the MAGIC at RON’S HOUSE, even though he’s already spent a year at HOGWARTS.
MRS. WEASLEY
I’m Harry’s mother imago. I’m so angry, yet
so caring at the same time. Everyone eat!
MR. WEASLEY
I’m Harry’s father imago. I’m humorous and loving.
GINNY WEASLEY
My further character development means
nothing to the plot. Nothing!
PERCY WEASLEY
Hey, where’d I come from?
ERROL THE OWL provides some PHYSICAL COMEDY.
MRS. WEASLEY
Dumbledore knows you’re here, Harry.
He’s on top of everything.
HARRY
If he’s on top of everything, why’d he let the house-elf get
me in trouble in the first place?
FRED AND/OR GEORGE
Wow, look at all these expensive books. We won’t be able
to afford them because we’re poor and dress like we’ve
escaped from the set of The Borrowers.
MRS. WEASLEY
Well, there’s only one place to buy all this…
AUDIENCE
Sears?
MRS. WEASLEY
Diagon Alley.
AUDIENCE
Well, sure, if you want to do it the easy way.
MRS. WEASLEY
We’ll just take the Floo Litter.
RON
It’s real easy. Watch.
RON bursts into flames.
HARRY
Oh, yes. That was real comforting.
HARRY unavoidably SCREWS IT UP.
INT. AN OBVIOUSLY EVIL SHOP
HARRY’S GLASSES break.
HARRY
Since when have I had glass in my glasses?
Everything here is so obviously evil.
I think I’ll poke around.
HARRY touches a WITHERED HAND. It grabs him.
HARRY
Ah! I’m so surprised!
AUDIENCE
What did you think was going to happen?! At least
the Malfoys will be showing up any moment now…
HARRY leaves the OBVIOUSLY EVIL SHOP and enters the OBVIOUSLY EVIL STREET.
AUDIENCE
Hey!
OBVIOUSLY EVIL PEOPLE
Hey, Harry. Let us molest you.
HARRY
Um….no, thank you.
HAGRID
Good thing I’m here. Too bad it
will make me look suspicious later.
INT. FLOURISH AND BLOTTS
HERMIONE GRANGER
Hi, Harry. I got my hair fixed. And you’d think
you’d know how to fix your own glasses by now.
MRS. WEASLEY
Harry! We were so worried. But we didn’t look for you at all!
PROFESSOR LOCKHART
And starring…Kenneth Branagh as Kenneth Branagh!
HARRY
Who’s this guy?
LOCKHART
Why, it’s Harry Potter!
HARRY
Oh, crap.
LOCKHART
Too bad I forgot to announce I’m teaching at Hogwarts.
DRACO MALFOY
Grrrr, Harry, grrr.
GINNY
GRRRRRRRR!
AUDIENCE
Whoa.
LUCIUS MALFOY comes in and immediately starts competing with SARUMAN for the MOST BLATANTLY EVIL CHARACTER AWARD.
DRACO
Daddy, Daddy. Harry’s girlfriend threatened me!
LUCIUS
Shut up, Draco. Now, go get Daddy a highball.
HARRY
Why don’t you bleach your eyebrows as well as your hair?
LUCIUS
I don’t have to. I’m better than everyone.
DRACO
So there!
AUDIENCE
Hey, Draco. Try opening your mouth when you talk.
MR. WEASLEY
Oh, it’s Lucius. Have time to establish some tension?
LUCIUS
Not with someone so inferior. I’m just going to slip this
book into Ginny’s cauldron. La de da. No one sees me.
HARRY
Yeah, way to be inconspicuous.
AUDIENCE
Fight, fight, fight!
LUCIUS and DRACO walk away.
AUDIENCE
Hey! Again!
INT. KING’S CROSS
THE BARRIER
Rejected!
HARRY
Oh, no! The train leaves at 11 exactly! We’ve missed it!
AUDIENCE
Apparently magic and fascism make trains run on time.
RON
Wait, it’s 11 o’clock? In the morning? This can’t possibly
be the same day, but there hasn’t been a time lapse.
DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS
Yeah, I kind of screwed up this transition.
RON
Since this scene’s already messed up,
let’s take the car that wasn’t here before.
HARRY
Won’t someone notice?
RON
No one noticed when we ripped those
bars off your window and flew away.
EXT. THE GLORY OF THE U.K. COUNTRYSIDE
RON
We’ll just follow the train.
DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS
This scene isn’t dramatic enough! Let’s threaten some lives!
HARRY and RON nearly DIE so the SPECIAL EFFECTS TEAM can SHOW OFF.
EXT. HOGWARTS
RON
Well, our ride here was…er…eventful,
but now we’re safe at Hogwarts.
FORD ANGLIA
The hell you are.
FORD ANGLIA crashes into the WHOMPING WILLOW.
DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS
Hey, who wants to watch Jurassic Park with me?
RON
Well, we’re in a tree. But we’re okay.
WHOMPING WILLOW
The hell you are.
The WHOMPING WILLOW, well, WHOMPS.
RON
Well, the car’s wrecked, we and our luggage are strewn
across the grass, and my wand broke. But, it’s all over.
FILCH
The hell it is.
INT. SNAPE’S OFFICE
PROFESSOR SNAPE
BLAH!
AUDIENCE
Whoa, that is just some cruel lighting there.
SNAPE
I realize that last year I wasn’t as mean as
I should have been. I plan on rectifying this.
PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE
Not at this moment you won’t.
AUDIENCE
*bursts into tears*
Riiiiichaaard…
SNAPE
But, but…awww…
DUMBLEDORE
Don’t point, Snape. It’s not very nice.
EXT. HOGWARTS - NEXT MORNING
PROFESSOR SPROUT
You’ll notice the anthropomorphism of the
mandrakes is more creepy than usual when you
realize we’ll eventually be cutting them up.
HERMIONE
If we can hear Sprout over the earmuffs,
what good are they against the mandrakes?
AUDIENCE
Wow, that’s an annoying noise. This
scene can end now.
INT. THE GREAT HALL
COLIN CREEVY
Hi! I’m so adorable! Look at my eyes!
HARRY
We can’t if you keep flashing us with that camera.
THE HOWLER
I’M NOT AS BAD AS YOU’D EXPECT!
RON
Take a good look at my expression. I’ll be
wearing it for most of the movie.
THE HOWLER
LET ME JUST POINT OUT GINNY SO YOU
DON’T FORGET SHE’S HERE!
INT. LOCKHART’S CLASS
LOCKHART
*singing*
I feel pretty, oh so pretty…!
HARRY
Stop singing so we can establish you as inept.
LOCKHART
So long as I am fabulously inept.
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM
I’m in pain for your amusement, again.
HERMIONE
I have the solution, again.
AUDIENCE
Show me a hot guy closer to my age!
EXT. HOGWARTS
OLIVER WOOD
Hello, ladies. Dig my accent.
The SLYTHERIN QUIDDITCH TEAM accosts HARRY, OLIVER and the GRYFFINDOR QUIDDITCH TEAM.
AUDIENCE
Other than Marcus Flint, the Slytherin team
has gotten a lot less ugly.
DRACO
I’m a Seeker too. I’m so bad. Even my broom looks vaguely evil.
HERMIONE
Whatever. You’re going to lose to Harry anyway.
DRACO
Mudblood.
HERMIONE
I suppose that since this is a children’s story, that’s about
the worst slur we can allow. But, really, it’s kind of lame, Draco.
RON attempts to RETALIATE, but blows it.
HAGRID
I will offer moral support because I am your
trusted friend. Try to remember that.
INT. LOCKHART’S OFFICE
LOCKHART
. . . And that’s how I invented Shakespeare.
EERIE VOICE
My god, he’s dull.
HARRY
Tell me about it …Wait, who’s talking?
EERIE VOICE
Er…kill…die…do the Hustle…
HARRY
Hey! Come back!
RON AND HERMIONE
Where are you going?
HARRY
To make myself look suspicious. Want to come?
HARRY, RON and HERMIONE find MRS. NORRIS and GRAFFITI.
AUDIENCE
Now, honestly. I know that’s what it says in the
book, but how do you hang a cat like that?
FILCH
My cat? Noooo! What will I tell Mr. Norris?
A ROVING BAND OF TEACHERS comes by.
DUMBLEDORE
Returning characters in front, and lesser
teachers stay back until acknowledged.
SNAPE
Now can I censure Potter now?
DUMBLEDORE
No, Snape.
DRACO
Is there anything I can say to make our
heroes suspect me? Of course there is.
FILCH
I am overly concerned about my cat!
DUMBLEDORE
Don’t worry. She’s only been petrified.
Much like my sense of humor.
INT. MCGONAGALL’S CLASSROOM
PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL
Today I will be teaching you one of the most important
life skills of a wizard: turning animals into water goblets.
HERMIONE
Why don’t you provide some backstory instead?
MCGONAGALL
Well, since it would cost extra special effects money
to create Professor Binns, I guess I could. Just don’t
get sucked into my hideous broach.
Blah, blah, blah, SLYTHERIN was a JERK, blah, blah, blah, PUREBLOODS, blah, blah, blah, MONSTER.
MCGONAGALL (cont.)
Exposition block deployed. Plot restarting in
5…4…3…2…1…
EXT. QUIDDITCH FIELD
LUCIUS
Why am I here?
MADAM HOOCH
Why am I not?
HARRY
Man, do we ever play anyone other than Slytherin?
A SLYTHERIN/GRYFFINDOR game is established so DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS can mostly ignore it.
DRACO
Because my rivalry with Harry is more important.
HARRY
It’s not really a rivalry, per se. It’s mostly me
kicking your butt.
HARRY and DRACO chase the SNITCH and are chased by a BATSHIT INSANE BLUDGER.
DRACO
You’ll never catch me, copper, I mean, Potter.
AUDIENCE
You know, Draco, if you stopped turning around to taunt
Harry once in awhile, you might actually catch the Snitch.
BATSHIT INSANE BLUDGER nearly kills HARRY. SEVERAL TIMES.
HARRY
Okay, can I just catch the damn Snitch now?
DRACO wipes out.
LUCIUS
Oh, that’s it. I’m buying a new kid.
BATSHIT INSANE BLUDGER whacks HARRY’S ARM, but he catches the SNITCH anyway because he’s DETERMINED and he’s the PROTAGONIST.
LOCKHART
Let me screw things up, Harry. I haven’t been
adequately established as inept yet.
HARRY
You’re inept, you’re inept! Don’t touch me!
TOO LATE.
INT. HOSPITAL WING
EERIE VOICE
Hello? Can anyone hear me?
HARRY
*waking up*
Quidditch practice!
DOBBY
Harry Potter is not trusting Dobby, is he, sir?
HARRY looks in DOBBY’S general direction.
HARRY
Look, maybe if you gave me a reason.
DOBBY
Dobby will not tell Harry Potter anything of real value.
DOBBY beats the CRAP out of himself and DISAPPEARS.
DUMBLEDORE
Let’s make as much noise as possible so Harry can eavesdrop.
MADAM POMFREY
I wonder what is petrifying people? I wonder
who we have working on this, other than Harry?
MCGONAGALL
Poor Colin. I wonder if he got a picture of it.
COLIN’S CAMERA explodes.
DUMBLEDORE
Hm. Must be a Polaroid.
INT. A SLIGHTLY CREEPY BATHROOM
HERMIONE
We are making a complex and highly dangerous potion.
HARRY
And it wasn’t even in the Restricted Section.
MOANING MYRTLE
My voice is more annoying than my character.
INT. DUELING STAGE
LOCKHART
Just suck it in. Don’t breathe.
SNAPE
Grrrrrr…
SNAPE lays the SMACKDOWN on LOCKHART.
AUDIENCE
Though, in the time it took Snape to cast that spell, a more
proficient wizard could have killed him several times.
LOCKHART
Why don’t we let the students beat up on each other now?
SNAPE
An excellent opportunity to attempt to establish the
Harry/Draco rivalry as legitimate.
SNAPE spontaneously directs AIR TRAFFIC.
HARRY
It looks like we’re casting the same spell, even if
we say different words.
DRACO sets loose A CGI SNAKE. LOCKHART is INEPT.
CGI SNAKE
Hi, Harry. How’s it going?
HARRY
Not so bad. You?
CGI SNAKE
Well, pretty good until Snape set me on fire.
JUSTIN FINCH-FLETCHLEY
Don’t threaten me!
HARRY
Who are you? Why would I want to?
DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS
Character establishment? What’s that?
HERMIONE
Harry, you speak Snake!
RON
Wow, are you ever suspicious now!
INT. DUMBLEDORE’S OFFICE
AUDIENCE
Nothing says “magic” like random rotating objects.
SORTING HAT
Problems, Potter?
HARRY
I only looked at you. Don’t get your point up.
SORTING HAT
People find you suspicious for perfectly justifiable reasons.
FAWKES
Hi, Harry. I’m a phoenix.
FAWKES bursts into flames.
FAWKES (cont.)
Don’t worry. I’m a big-ass symbol of good.
DUMBLEDORE
I called you here to tell you I don’t suspect you. As you are the
only person investigating the recent attacks, want to enlighten me?
GRIFFIN STATUE
Gimme a hug!
INT. A SLIGHTLY CREEPY BATHROOM
HERMIONE
We need to get Crabbe and Goyle out of the way.
CRABBE AND/OR GOYLE
Nothing says “not suspicious” like floating food.
HARRY and RON turn into CRABBE AND/OR GOYLE.
HARRY/GOYLE
Did we steal this effect from X-files or what?
I think something is about to burst through my skin.
HERMIONE
You guys go on ahead. I’m working on a
lucrative crossover deal.
INT. HOGWARTS HALLS
HARRY/GOYLE
Now, if we only knew where we were going.
PERCY
Hey! People in the hallway! That’s not allowed!
No walking on the floors!
DRACO
I have impeccable timing. Oh, ew! Weasleys!
PERCY
Mind your eyebrows, Draco.
INT. THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SLYTHERIN COMMON ROOM
AUDIENCE
Buy a color. Please.
DRACO throws himself across a COUCH.
CUE: CHEESY 70S PORN MUSIC
DRACO
I’m not the Heir.
RON/CRABBE
Then why did we waste our time with this plotline?
DRACO
I’m also klepto.
HARRY/GOYLE
C’mon, we’re blowing our cover. Plus, that music
is inspiring so many slash stories.
HARRY and RON turn back into HARRY and RON.
HARRY
Hermione? We’re back. What’s this about a crossover?
HERMIONE
Check it out! I’m a catgirl. Everyone loves catgirls!
AUDIENCE
Oh, dear god. NO.
INT. SEVERAL PLACES IN HOGWARTS CONFLATED INTO ONE SCENE
MOANING MYRTLE
Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worms.
RON
You can’t eat.
MOANING MYRTLE
I’ll turn the powers of my annoying voice on you!
HARRY finds a BOOK drenched in TOILET WATER.
TOM RIDDLE
*inside book*
Design it so liquids come through. What was I thinking?
HARRY
*writing in book*
My name is Harry Potter.
TOM
How many people start a diary like that?
*writing back*
How about, “Dear Diary,” Harry?
HARRY
Wow! Since everything in this story is somehow related, I
bet this book knows something about the Chamber of Secrets.
*writing*
Can you help me?
TOM
*writing back*
You’ve known me for two minutes. Will you trust me?
HARRY
*writing*
Of course.
TOM
This boy is as dense as lead.
HARRY is sucked into the BOOK.
HARRY
Can anyone hear me?
AUDIENCE
Of course not. You’re color, they’re sepia. It’ll never work.
“YOUNG” DUMBLEDORE
Damn, how old am I?
HARRY discovers TOM discovering HAGRID discovering a GIANT SPIDER.
TOM attempts to blast GIANT SPIDER, but misses.
HARRY
Hagrid?! But I know and trust him!
AUDIENCE
Which implies what about Tom, Harry?
HARRY
Oh, no it was Hagrid!
AUDIENCE
*smacks selves on head*
EXT. QUIDDITCH FIELD
OLIVER
We’re finally playing someone other than Slytherin.
MCGONAGALL
No, you’re not.
OLIVER takes this RATHER WELL, all things considering.
MCGONAGALL
Harry, Ron. Hermione’s been petrified.
HARRY
But, I need her brain! I can’t sort out whether I think Hagrid
did it or not! We’re trapped in a plot cul-de-sac!
RON
Maybe we should just ask.
INT. HAGRID’S HUT
HARRY
Hagrid, we need some information…
DUMBLEDORE and CORNELIUS FUDGE interrupt.
DUMBLEDORE
Sorry, Hagrid. But we need to introduce Azkaban
for the next movie.
LUCIUS interrupts.
HAGRID
Is my house a freeway all of a sudden?
LUCIUS
Hello, may I grace you with my superior presence?
I’m here to get rid of Dumbledore.
HAGRID
What? Why?
LUCIUS
I’m evil, obviously.
DUMBLEDORE
Don’t worry. As long as someone (Harry Potter) has faith
in me (Harry Potter), everything will be all right (Harry Potter).
LUCIUS
That’s fabulous. Now, why are you talking to the grate?
HAGRID
Follow the spiders for…stuff.
HARRY/RON/AUDIENCE
Stuff?
INT. THE DARK FOREST WITH NO UNDERGROWTH
RON
Spiders…ew!
AUDIENCE
Stop being such a wuss, Ron.
HARRY
All the spiders are heading toward this giant tree.
AUDIENCE
Remember the last movie, Harry? Giant tree equals
thing that will try to kill you.
A GIANT SPIDER PUPPET confronts HARRY and RON.
ARAGOG
I am Aragog, son of Arathog, King of the Spiders.
RON
Harry…
HARRY
Not now, Ron.
ARAGOG
It wasn’t Hagrid. I won’t tell you what the monster was
because I’m a jerk, but it did ravage the school and kill
some girl. So, pretty much an average year at Hogwarts.
RON
Harry…
AUDIENCE
Harry, when your best friend is trying to get your attention
in situation like this, it’s probably not for nothing
HARRY
What, Ron?
ARAGOG
You’re going to die.
HARRY
Well, I certainly never saw this coming.
A 50s HORROR MOVIE starts.
FORD ANGLIA
I’ve decided to forgive you for crashing me into
a temperamental tree.
FORD ANGLIA saves their PATHETIC ASSES.
DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS
I still don’t think the book was dramatic enough. More violence!
HARRY uses the SAME SPELL TOM used in the FLASHBACK.
AUDIENCE
If you only knew from whom you were picking up tricks.
FORD ANGLIA
Think happy thoughts!
FORD ANGLIA flies them to safety and returns to the WILD.
FORD ANGLIA (cont.)
Good thing there’s this road behind Hagrid’s hut.
HARRY
Unfortunately, we’re still trapped in the plot cul-de-sac.
RON
Let’s go visit Hermione. Maybe her very presence will inspire us.
INT. HOSPITAL WING
HARRY
Oh, Hermione. What do we do now?
HERMIONE
*thinking*
Check. My. Hand.
RON
How come Harry gets to hold her hand?
HARRY
Hey, she’s clutching something.
HERMIONE
*thinking*
FINALLY!
HARRY
According to this, the eerie voice is a basilisk! And
I know why we had that digression with the Polyjuice
Potion! Moaning Myrtle is the girl who died!
RON
Let’s go find the roving band of teachers!
DUMBLEDORE
Sadly, we are completely useless. We lost Ginny.
HARRY
Even though the whole movie has offered evidence
to the contrary, we think Lockhart is going try to
look for the Chamber of Secrets.
LOCKHART
I’m not. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.
RON
You’re helping us, you wigged jerk!
LOCKHART
Boys, why don’t you seek help from a teacher with actual brains?
HARRY AND RON
Uh…
INT. THE SLIGHTLY CREEPY BATHROOM
MOANING MYRTLE
Of course I’m the girl who died! Everything that’s
happened throughout this entire movie is inter-connected!
HARRY opens the CHAMBER by speaking SNAKE.
AUDIENCE
Man, how do those sinks work at all?
LOCKHART
Turns out, I’m more than inept. I’m a huge jackass.
LOCKHART attempts to use RON’S WAND, but ends up hurting himself and collapsing the INFRASTRUCTURE.
HARRY
And of course I’m separated from my only help.
LOCKHART
Now I’m inept to the nth power!
RON knocks LOCKHART out.
AUDIENCE
Yes! Thank you! I mean, no, Ron. That was very wrong.
RON
Now what do I do?
HARRY
Just keep clopping him on the head. I’ll save the day.
INT. THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS
AUDIENCE
So glad Salazar Slytherin had the foresight to install the metal ladders.
HARRY
Oh no! Ginny! Who did this to you?
TOM
Ginny did it to herself, as evidenced by these flashbacks.
HARRY, TOM and AUDIENCE have a COLLECTIVE FLASHBACK.
TOM (cont.)
And now, my Clark Kent hair and I will defeat you.
HARRY
But, why?
TOM
Because I am…Man, this anagram spell is slow…hang on.
*waits*
I am Lord Voldemort!
HARRY
Wow, you have the most convenient middle name ever!
TOM
Shut up! You die now!
HARRY
I could really use that help Dumbledore promised about now.
FAWKES
Have a hat. Later.
TOM calls the BASILISK.
AUDIENCE
And that was crawling through the pipes? Hogwarts
must have some big-ass pipes!
FAWKES
I’ll give you some actual help now. But because this
is a PG movie, we can’t actually show you what’s happening.
HARRY
You’d think I’d be watching the actual event,
instead of the shadow.
TOM
Well, if it can’t see you, it can hear you!
AUDIENCE
Hear? It’s a SNAKE. Shouldn’t it smell Harry?
BASILISK
Smell? Have you seen what’s in my mouth?
No way can I smell through that.
SORTING HAT
Here Harry, have this plastic sword I bought for
five bucks at Wal-Mart.
HARRY climbs the STATUE and puts himself in PRECARIOUS PLACES so DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS can channel ALFRED HITCHCOCK again.
BASILISK
My head! Stupid boy! You die now!
TOM
Ha, ha! Now you will die and I will RULE the world!
Ha, ha…Wow, you got back down fast for an injured guy.
HARRY stabs DIARY.
TOM
No, no! Argh! What a world, what a world!
AUDIENCE
That diary is quite a bleeder.
TOM explodes.
HARRY
Harry: 3; Voldemort: 0.
GINNY
Yes, but you’re still going to die.
HARRY
Oops. Guess I wasn’t quick enough.
FAWKES
Damn straight, you weren’t. Good thing I’m still here.
HARRY
Well, let’s go. Ron’s probably killed Lockhart by now.
INT. DUMBLEDORE’S OFFICE
HARRY
…And then the Sorting Hat gave me a tacky sword…
LUCIUS storms in.
HARRY (cont.)
Speaking of tacky…
LUCIUS
I’m so evil that I can’t be fully lighted. You have to deal
with this “slash of light” effect. Watch me abuse my house-elf.
HARRY
Dobby! You belong to him?
EVERYONE looks in DOBBY’S general direction.
AUDIENCE
Smooth, Harry. Real smooth.
DUMBLEDORE
Harry saved the day, Lucius. What do you think of that?
LUCIUS
DAMN! I mean, why should I care? I think I’ll be
evil somewhere else now.
HARRY
Wait up. I got Dobby in trouble and now I’ll get him out.
AUDIENCE
At least he’s responsible.
DOBBY
Harry Potter has played a nasty trick on Lucius Malfoy! What a hero!
LUCIUS
Why you little…AVADA…
AUDIENCE
What? WHAT?!
DOBBY saves HARRY, but the AUDIENCE is too busy goggling at LUCIUS’S AUDACITY to notice.
INT. GREAT HALL
DUMBLEDORE
Well, Voldemort’s defeated again. I don’t know why
we had so much trouble with him 12 years ago.
HERMIONE
I’m not petrified anymore!
HAGRID
I’m back!
CAST bursts into APPLAUSE, which confuses the AUDIENCE and causes them to APPLAUD too.
EVERYONE
What are we applauding? And why?
CREDITS
You want to see the end scene don’t you? Ha, ha!
Damn, I’m long.
(Author’s Note: Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling and all associates and not me. Dr. Evadne’s Warning: Please remember to take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to direct sunlight. May impair your ability to drive or operate heavy machinery. Anyone who fails to abide by the warning is responsible for their own indignation. Big thanks to the Editing Room for inspiration, Kit O’Brien for suggestions, and Marty and Molly for seeing this with me and not killing me when I laughed at completely inappropriate moments.)
HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS: BREADBOX EDITION
FADE IN:
EXT. SUBURBAN SPRAWL CONQUERS THE WORLD
HARRY POTTER
Sorry I didn’t name you in the last movie, Hedwig.
HEDWIG
Damn straight.
HARRY
I have blue eyes now. You’re all just going to
have to deal with it.
RABID HARRY POTTER FANS
Argh! Desecration!
MR. DURSLEY
Harry, get down here so we can heap abuse on you.
MRS. DURSLEY
Because we’re still bastards.
DUDLEY DURSLEY
And even uglier, if that’s at all possible.
HARRY
That’s all right. I still have my preternatural patience.
MR. DURSLEY
If you ruin my party, I’ll hang, draw and quarter
you, and leave you for the wolves.
INT. HARRY’S RED AND GOLD ROOM
DOBBY
Harry Potter must trust Dobby.
HARRY looks in DOBBY’S general direction.
HARRY
Why? You’re a poorly dressed CGI who speaks in the
third person and gives no evidence whatsoever to
back up your claims.
DOBBY
Harry Potter must trust Dobby or the house-elf gets it, sir!
DOBBY beats the CRAP out of himself.
MR. DURSLEY
That’s just our 40 lb cat.
DOBBY
I bet Harry Potter is wondering where Dobby was keeping
these cards? And why they are all the same size and shape?
HARRY
Not really, no.
DOBBY
Harry Potter must trust Dobby or Dobby will drop
the magic floating truffle.
HARRY
I’ll just sneak out and grab it. I’m sure it won’t look like
it’s my fault should something happen.
MRS. MASON
Oh, a truffle has dropped on my head. How surprising.
MINISTRY OF MAGIC
Huh, magic has been performed at Harry Potter’s
house. Eh, who cares?
EXT. SUBURBAN SPRAWL CONQUERS THE WORLD
MR. DURSLEY
We will never let you out of your room again. No one
will ever notice you’re gone. It’s not like they have
magic to help find you or anything.
HARRY makes a wish on a SHOOTING CAR.
RON WEASLEY
Hey, Harry. We’re here to save you.
AUDIENCE
My, Ron’s voice has gotten deep over the summer.
HARRY
We?
FRED AND/OR GEORGE
Yeah, we’re actually in some of this movie.
RON, FRED AND/OR GEORGE pull the bars off HARRY’S window. NO ONE notices but the DURSLEYS.
EXT. THE BURROW, EVEN IF IT ISN’T EXPLICITLY CALLED THAT
HARRY stands around amazed at the MAGIC at RON’S HOUSE, even though he’s already spent a year at HOGWARTS.
MRS. WEASLEY
I’m Harry’s mother imago. I’m so angry, yet
so caring at the same time. Everyone eat!
MR. WEASLEY
I’m Harry’s father imago. I’m humorous and loving.
GINNY WEASLEY
My further character development means
nothing to the plot. Nothing!
PERCY WEASLEY
Hey, where’d I come from?
ERROL THE OWL provides some PHYSICAL COMEDY.
MRS. WEASLEY
Dumbledore knows you’re here, Harry.
He’s on top of everything.
HARRY
If he’s on top of everything, why’d he let the house-elf get
me in trouble in the first place?
FRED AND/OR GEORGE
Wow, look at all these expensive books. We won’t be able
to afford them because we’re poor and dress like we’ve
escaped from the set of The Borrowers.
MRS. WEASLEY
Well, there’s only one place to buy all this…
AUDIENCE
Sears?
MRS. WEASLEY
Diagon Alley.
AUDIENCE
Well, sure, if you want to do it the easy way.
MRS. WEASLEY
We’ll just take the Floo Litter.
RON
It’s real easy. Watch.
RON bursts into flames.
HARRY
Oh, yes. That was real comforting.
HARRY unavoidably SCREWS IT UP.
INT. AN OBVIOUSLY EVIL SHOP
HARRY’S GLASSES break.
HARRY
Since when have I had glass in my glasses?
Everything here is so obviously evil.
I think I’ll poke around.
HARRY touches a WITHERED HAND. It grabs him.
HARRY
Ah! I’m so surprised!
AUDIENCE
What did you think was going to happen?! At least
the Malfoys will be showing up any moment now…
HARRY leaves the OBVIOUSLY EVIL SHOP and enters the OBVIOUSLY EVIL STREET.
AUDIENCE
Hey!
OBVIOUSLY EVIL PEOPLE
Hey, Harry. Let us molest you.
HARRY
Um….no, thank you.
HAGRID
Good thing I’m here. Too bad it
will make me look suspicious later.
INT. FLOURISH AND BLOTTS
HERMIONE GRANGER
Hi, Harry. I got my hair fixed. And you’d think
you’d know how to fix your own glasses by now.
MRS. WEASLEY
Harry! We were so worried. But we didn’t look for you at all!
PROFESSOR LOCKHART
And starring…Kenneth Branagh as Kenneth Branagh!
HARRY
Who’s this guy?
LOCKHART
Why, it’s Harry Potter!
HARRY
Oh, crap.
LOCKHART
Too bad I forgot to announce I’m teaching at Hogwarts.
DRACO MALFOY
Grrrr, Harry, grrr.
GINNY
GRRRRRRRR!
AUDIENCE
Whoa.
LUCIUS MALFOY comes in and immediately starts competing with SARUMAN for the MOST BLATANTLY EVIL CHARACTER AWARD.
DRACO
Daddy, Daddy. Harry’s girlfriend threatened me!
LUCIUS
Shut up, Draco. Now, go get Daddy a highball.
HARRY
Why don’t you bleach your eyebrows as well as your hair?
LUCIUS
I don’t have to. I’m better than everyone.
DRACO
So there!
AUDIENCE
Hey, Draco. Try opening your mouth when you talk.
MR. WEASLEY
Oh, it’s Lucius. Have time to establish some tension?
LUCIUS
Not with someone so inferior. I’m just going to slip this
book into Ginny’s cauldron. La de da. No one sees me.
HARRY
Yeah, way to be inconspicuous.
AUDIENCE
Fight, fight, fight!
LUCIUS and DRACO walk away.
AUDIENCE
Hey! Again!
INT. KING’S CROSS
THE BARRIER
Rejected!
HARRY
Oh, no! The train leaves at 11 exactly! We’ve missed it!
AUDIENCE
Apparently magic and fascism make trains run on time.
RON
Wait, it’s 11 o’clock? In the morning? This can’t possibly
be the same day, but there hasn’t been a time lapse.
DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS
Yeah, I kind of screwed up this transition.
RON
Since this scene’s already messed up,
let’s take the car that wasn’t here before.
HARRY
Won’t someone notice?
RON
No one noticed when we ripped those
bars off your window and flew away.
EXT. THE GLORY OF THE U.K. COUNTRYSIDE
RON
We’ll just follow the train.
DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS
This scene isn’t dramatic enough! Let’s threaten some lives!
HARRY and RON nearly DIE so the SPECIAL EFFECTS TEAM can SHOW OFF.
EXT. HOGWARTS
RON
Well, our ride here was…er…eventful,
but now we’re safe at Hogwarts.
FORD ANGLIA
The hell you are.
FORD ANGLIA crashes into the WHOMPING WILLOW.
DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS
Hey, who wants to watch Jurassic Park with me?
RON
Well, we’re in a tree. But we’re okay.
WHOMPING WILLOW
The hell you are.
The WHOMPING WILLOW, well, WHOMPS.
RON
Well, the car’s wrecked, we and our luggage are strewn
across the grass, and my wand broke. But, it’s all over.
FILCH
The hell it is.
INT. SNAPE’S OFFICE
PROFESSOR SNAPE
BLAH!
AUDIENCE
Whoa, that is just some cruel lighting there.
SNAPE
I realize that last year I wasn’t as mean as
I should have been. I plan on rectifying this.
PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE
Not at this moment you won’t.
AUDIENCE
*bursts into tears*
Riiiiichaaard…
SNAPE
But, but…awww…
DUMBLEDORE
Don’t point, Snape. It’s not very nice.
EXT. HOGWARTS - NEXT MORNING
PROFESSOR SPROUT
You’ll notice the anthropomorphism of the
mandrakes is more creepy than usual when you
realize we’ll eventually be cutting them up.
HERMIONE
If we can hear Sprout over the earmuffs,
what good are they against the mandrakes?
AUDIENCE
Wow, that’s an annoying noise. This
scene can end now.
INT. THE GREAT HALL
COLIN CREEVY
Hi! I’m so adorable! Look at my eyes!
HARRY
We can’t if you keep flashing us with that camera.
THE HOWLER
I’M NOT AS BAD AS YOU’D EXPECT!
RON
Take a good look at my expression. I’ll be
wearing it for most of the movie.
THE HOWLER
LET ME JUST POINT OUT GINNY SO YOU
DON’T FORGET SHE’S HERE!
INT. LOCKHART’S CLASS
LOCKHART
*singing*
I feel pretty, oh so pretty…!
HARRY
Stop singing so we can establish you as inept.
LOCKHART
So long as I am fabulously inept.
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM
I’m in pain for your amusement, again.
HERMIONE
I have the solution, again.
AUDIENCE
Show me a hot guy closer to my age!
EXT. HOGWARTS
OLIVER WOOD
Hello, ladies. Dig my accent.
The SLYTHERIN QUIDDITCH TEAM accosts HARRY, OLIVER and the GRYFFINDOR QUIDDITCH TEAM.
AUDIENCE
Other than Marcus Flint, the Slytherin team
has gotten a lot less ugly.
DRACO
I’m a Seeker too. I’m so bad. Even my broom looks vaguely evil.
HERMIONE
Whatever. You’re going to lose to Harry anyway.
DRACO
Mudblood.
HERMIONE
I suppose that since this is a children’s story, that’s about
the worst slur we can allow. But, really, it’s kind of lame, Draco.
RON attempts to RETALIATE, but blows it.
HAGRID
I will offer moral support because I am your
trusted friend. Try to remember that.
INT. LOCKHART’S OFFICE
LOCKHART
. . . And that’s how I invented Shakespeare.
EERIE VOICE
My god, he’s dull.
HARRY
Tell me about it …Wait, who’s talking?
EERIE VOICE
Er…kill…die…do the Hustle…
HARRY
Hey! Come back!
RON AND HERMIONE
Where are you going?
HARRY
To make myself look suspicious. Want to come?
HARRY, RON and HERMIONE find MRS. NORRIS and GRAFFITI.
AUDIENCE
Now, honestly. I know that’s what it says in the
book, but how do you hang a cat like that?
FILCH
My cat? Noooo! What will I tell Mr. Norris?
A ROVING BAND OF TEACHERS comes by.
DUMBLEDORE
Returning characters in front, and lesser
teachers stay back until acknowledged.
SNAPE
Now can I censure Potter now?
DUMBLEDORE
No, Snape.
DRACO
Is there anything I can say to make our
heroes suspect me? Of course there is.
FILCH
I am overly concerned about my cat!
DUMBLEDORE
Don’t worry. She’s only been petrified.
Much like my sense of humor.
INT. MCGONAGALL’S CLASSROOM
PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL
Today I will be teaching you one of the most important
life skills of a wizard: turning animals into water goblets.
HERMIONE
Why don’t you provide some backstory instead?
MCGONAGALL
Well, since it would cost extra special effects money
to create Professor Binns, I guess I could. Just don’t
get sucked into my hideous broach.
Blah, blah, blah, SLYTHERIN was a JERK, blah, blah, blah, PUREBLOODS, blah, blah, blah, MONSTER.
MCGONAGALL (cont.)
Exposition block deployed. Plot restarting in
5…4…3…2…1…
EXT. QUIDDITCH FIELD
LUCIUS
Why am I here?
MADAM HOOCH
Why am I not?
HARRY
Man, do we ever play anyone other than Slytherin?
A SLYTHERIN/GRYFFINDOR game is established so DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS can mostly ignore it.
DRACO
Because my rivalry with Harry is more important.
HARRY
It’s not really a rivalry, per se. It’s mostly me
kicking your butt.
HARRY and DRACO chase the SNITCH and are chased by a BATSHIT INSANE BLUDGER.
DRACO
You’ll never catch me, copper, I mean, Potter.
AUDIENCE
You know, Draco, if you stopped turning around to taunt
Harry once in awhile, you might actually catch the Snitch.
BATSHIT INSANE BLUDGER nearly kills HARRY. SEVERAL TIMES.
HARRY
Okay, can I just catch the damn Snitch now?
DRACO wipes out.
LUCIUS
Oh, that’s it. I’m buying a new kid.
BATSHIT INSANE BLUDGER whacks HARRY’S ARM, but he catches the SNITCH anyway because he’s DETERMINED and he’s the PROTAGONIST.
LOCKHART
Let me screw things up, Harry. I haven’t been
adequately established as inept yet.
HARRY
You’re inept, you’re inept! Don’t touch me!
TOO LATE.
INT. HOSPITAL WING
EERIE VOICE
Hello? Can anyone hear me?
HARRY
*waking up*
Quidditch practice!
DOBBY
Harry Potter is not trusting Dobby, is he, sir?
HARRY looks in DOBBY’S general direction.
HARRY
Look, maybe if you gave me a reason.
DOBBY
Dobby will not tell Harry Potter anything of real value.
DOBBY beats the CRAP out of himself and DISAPPEARS.
DUMBLEDORE
Let’s make as much noise as possible so Harry can eavesdrop.
MADAM POMFREY
I wonder what is petrifying people? I wonder
who we have working on this, other than Harry?
MCGONAGALL
Poor Colin. I wonder if he got a picture of it.
COLIN’S CAMERA explodes.
DUMBLEDORE
Hm. Must be a Polaroid.
INT. A SLIGHTLY CREEPY BATHROOM
HERMIONE
We are making a complex and highly dangerous potion.
HARRY
And it wasn’t even in the Restricted Section.
MOANING MYRTLE
My voice is more annoying than my character.
INT. DUELING STAGE
LOCKHART
Just suck it in. Don’t breathe.
SNAPE
Grrrrrr…
SNAPE lays the SMACKDOWN on LOCKHART.
AUDIENCE
Though, in the time it took Snape to cast that spell, a more
proficient wizard could have killed him several times.
LOCKHART
Why don’t we let the students beat up on each other now?
SNAPE
An excellent opportunity to attempt to establish the
Harry/Draco rivalry as legitimate.
SNAPE spontaneously directs AIR TRAFFIC.
HARRY
It looks like we’re casting the same spell, even if
we say different words.
DRACO sets loose A CGI SNAKE. LOCKHART is INEPT.
CGI SNAKE
Hi, Harry. How’s it going?
HARRY
Not so bad. You?
CGI SNAKE
Well, pretty good until Snape set me on fire.
JUSTIN FINCH-FLETCHLEY
Don’t threaten me!
HARRY
Who are you? Why would I want to?
DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS
Character establishment? What’s that?
HERMIONE
Harry, you speak Snake!
RON
Wow, are you ever suspicious now!
INT. DUMBLEDORE’S OFFICE
AUDIENCE
Nothing says “magic” like random rotating objects.
SORTING HAT
Problems, Potter?
HARRY
I only looked at you. Don’t get your point up.
SORTING HAT
People find you suspicious for perfectly justifiable reasons.
FAWKES
Hi, Harry. I’m a phoenix.
FAWKES bursts into flames.
FAWKES (cont.)
Don’t worry. I’m a big-ass symbol of good.
DUMBLEDORE
I called you here to tell you I don’t suspect you. As you are the
only person investigating the recent attacks, want to enlighten me?
GRIFFIN STATUE
Gimme a hug!
INT. A SLIGHTLY CREEPY BATHROOM
HERMIONE
We need to get Crabbe and Goyle out of the way.
CRABBE AND/OR GOYLE
Nothing says “not suspicious” like floating food.
HARRY and RON turn into CRABBE AND/OR GOYLE.
HARRY/GOYLE
Did we steal this effect from X-files or what?
I think something is about to burst through my skin.
HERMIONE
You guys go on ahead. I’m working on a
lucrative crossover deal.
INT. HOGWARTS HALLS
HARRY/GOYLE
Now, if we only knew where we were going.
PERCY
Hey! People in the hallway! That’s not allowed!
No walking on the floors!
DRACO
I have impeccable timing. Oh, ew! Weasleys!
PERCY
Mind your eyebrows, Draco.
INT. THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SLYTHERIN COMMON ROOM
AUDIENCE
Buy a color. Please.
DRACO throws himself across a COUCH.
CUE: CHEESY 70S PORN MUSIC
DRACO
I’m not the Heir.
RON/CRABBE
Then why did we waste our time with this plotline?
DRACO
I’m also klepto.
HARRY/GOYLE
C’mon, we’re blowing our cover. Plus, that music
is inspiring so many slash stories.
HARRY and RON turn back into HARRY and RON.
HARRY
Hermione? We’re back. What’s this about a crossover?
HERMIONE
Check it out! I’m a catgirl. Everyone loves catgirls!
AUDIENCE
Oh, dear god. NO.
INT. SEVERAL PLACES IN HOGWARTS CONFLATED INTO ONE SCENE
MOANING MYRTLE
Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worms.
RON
You can’t eat.
MOANING MYRTLE
I’ll turn the powers of my annoying voice on you!
HARRY finds a BOOK drenched in TOILET WATER.
TOM RIDDLE
*inside book*
Design it so liquids come through. What was I thinking?
HARRY
*writing in book*
My name is Harry Potter.
TOM
How many people start a diary like that?
*writing back*
How about, “Dear Diary,” Harry?
HARRY
Wow! Since everything in this story is somehow related, I
bet this book knows something about the Chamber of Secrets.
*writing*
Can you help me?
TOM
*writing back*
You’ve known me for two minutes. Will you trust me?
HARRY
*writing*
Of course.
TOM
This boy is as dense as lead.
HARRY is sucked into the BOOK.
HARRY
Can anyone hear me?
AUDIENCE
Of course not. You’re color, they’re sepia. It’ll never work.
“YOUNG” DUMBLEDORE
Damn, how old am I?
HARRY discovers TOM discovering HAGRID discovering a GIANT SPIDER.
TOM attempts to blast GIANT SPIDER, but misses.
HARRY
Hagrid?! But I know and trust him!
AUDIENCE
Which implies what about Tom, Harry?
HARRY
Oh, no it was Hagrid!
AUDIENCE
*smacks selves on head*
EXT. QUIDDITCH FIELD
OLIVER
We’re finally playing someone other than Slytherin.
MCGONAGALL
No, you’re not.
OLIVER takes this RATHER WELL, all things considering.
MCGONAGALL
Harry, Ron. Hermione’s been petrified.
HARRY
But, I need her brain! I can’t sort out whether I think Hagrid
did it or not! We’re trapped in a plot cul-de-sac!
RON
Maybe we should just ask.
INT. HAGRID’S HUT
HARRY
Hagrid, we need some information…
DUMBLEDORE and CORNELIUS FUDGE interrupt.
DUMBLEDORE
Sorry, Hagrid. But we need to introduce Azkaban
for the next movie.
LUCIUS interrupts.
HAGRID
Is my house a freeway all of a sudden?
LUCIUS
Hello, may I grace you with my superior presence?
I’m here to get rid of Dumbledore.
HAGRID
What? Why?
LUCIUS
I’m evil, obviously.
DUMBLEDORE
Don’t worry. As long as someone (Harry Potter) has faith
in me (Harry Potter), everything will be all right (Harry Potter).
LUCIUS
That’s fabulous. Now, why are you talking to the grate?
HAGRID
Follow the spiders for…stuff.
HARRY/RON/AUDIENCE
Stuff?
INT. THE DARK FOREST WITH NO UNDERGROWTH
RON
Spiders…ew!
AUDIENCE
Stop being such a wuss, Ron.
HARRY
All the spiders are heading toward this giant tree.
AUDIENCE
Remember the last movie, Harry? Giant tree equals
thing that will try to kill you.
A GIANT SPIDER PUPPET confronts HARRY and RON.
ARAGOG
I am Aragog, son of Arathog, King of the Spiders.
RON
Harry…
HARRY
Not now, Ron.
ARAGOG
It wasn’t Hagrid. I won’t tell you what the monster was
because I’m a jerk, but it did ravage the school and kill
some girl. So, pretty much an average year at Hogwarts.
RON
Harry…
AUDIENCE
Harry, when your best friend is trying to get your attention
in situation like this, it’s probably not for nothing
HARRY
What, Ron?
ARAGOG
You’re going to die.
HARRY
Well, I certainly never saw this coming.
A 50s HORROR MOVIE starts.
FORD ANGLIA
I’ve decided to forgive you for crashing me into
a temperamental tree.
FORD ANGLIA saves their PATHETIC ASSES.
DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS
I still don’t think the book was dramatic enough. More violence!
HARRY uses the SAME SPELL TOM used in the FLASHBACK.
AUDIENCE
If you only knew from whom you were picking up tricks.
FORD ANGLIA
Think happy thoughts!
FORD ANGLIA flies them to safety and returns to the WILD.
FORD ANGLIA (cont.)
Good thing there’s this road behind Hagrid’s hut.
HARRY
Unfortunately, we’re still trapped in the plot cul-de-sac.
RON
Let’s go visit Hermione. Maybe her very presence will inspire us.
INT. HOSPITAL WING
HARRY
Oh, Hermione. What do we do now?
HERMIONE
*thinking*
Check. My. Hand.
RON
How come Harry gets to hold her hand?
HARRY
Hey, she’s clutching something.
HERMIONE
*thinking*
FINALLY!
HARRY
According to this, the eerie voice is a basilisk! And
I know why we had that digression with the Polyjuice
Potion! Moaning Myrtle is the girl who died!
RON
Let’s go find the roving band of teachers!
DUMBLEDORE
Sadly, we are completely useless. We lost Ginny.
HARRY
Even though the whole movie has offered evidence
to the contrary, we think Lockhart is going try to
look for the Chamber of Secrets.
LOCKHART
I’m not. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.
RON
You’re helping us, you wigged jerk!
LOCKHART
Boys, why don’t you seek help from a teacher with actual brains?
HARRY AND RON
Uh…
INT. THE SLIGHTLY CREEPY BATHROOM
MOANING MYRTLE
Of course I’m the girl who died! Everything that’s
happened throughout this entire movie is inter-connected!
HARRY opens the CHAMBER by speaking SNAKE.
AUDIENCE
Man, how do those sinks work at all?
LOCKHART
Turns out, I’m more than inept. I’m a huge jackass.
LOCKHART attempts to use RON’S WAND, but ends up hurting himself and collapsing the INFRASTRUCTURE.
HARRY
And of course I’m separated from my only help.
LOCKHART
Now I’m inept to the nth power!
RON knocks LOCKHART out.
AUDIENCE
Yes! Thank you! I mean, no, Ron. That was very wrong.
RON
Now what do I do?
HARRY
Just keep clopping him on the head. I’ll save the day.
INT. THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS
AUDIENCE
So glad Salazar Slytherin had the foresight to install the metal ladders.
HARRY
Oh no! Ginny! Who did this to you?
TOM
Ginny did it to herself, as evidenced by these flashbacks.
HARRY, TOM and AUDIENCE have a COLLECTIVE FLASHBACK.
TOM (cont.)
And now, my Clark Kent hair and I will defeat you.
HARRY
But, why?
TOM
Because I am…Man, this anagram spell is slow…hang on.
*waits*
I am Lord Voldemort!
HARRY
Wow, you have the most convenient middle name ever!
TOM
Shut up! You die now!
HARRY
I could really use that help Dumbledore promised about now.
FAWKES
Have a hat. Later.
TOM calls the BASILISK.
AUDIENCE
And that was crawling through the pipes? Hogwarts
must have some big-ass pipes!
FAWKES
I’ll give you some actual help now. But because this
is a PG movie, we can’t actually show you what’s happening.
HARRY
You’d think I’d be watching the actual event,
instead of the shadow.
TOM
Well, if it can’t see you, it can hear you!
AUDIENCE
Hear? It’s a SNAKE. Shouldn’t it smell Harry?
BASILISK
Smell? Have you seen what’s in my mouth?
No way can I smell through that.
SORTING HAT
Here Harry, have this plastic sword I bought for
five bucks at Wal-Mart.
HARRY climbs the STATUE and puts himself in PRECARIOUS PLACES so DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS can channel ALFRED HITCHCOCK again.
BASILISK
My head! Stupid boy! You die now!
TOM
Ha, ha! Now you will die and I will RULE the world!
Ha, ha…Wow, you got back down fast for an injured guy.
HARRY stabs DIARY.
TOM
No, no! Argh! What a world, what a world!
AUDIENCE
That diary is quite a bleeder.
TOM explodes.
HARRY
Harry: 3; Voldemort: 0.
GINNY
Yes, but you’re still going to die.
HARRY
Oops. Guess I wasn’t quick enough.
FAWKES
Damn straight, you weren’t. Good thing I’m still here.
HARRY
Well, let’s go. Ron’s probably killed Lockhart by now.
INT. DUMBLEDORE’S OFFICE
HARRY
…And then the Sorting Hat gave me a tacky sword…
LUCIUS storms in.
HARRY (cont.)
Speaking of tacky…
LUCIUS
I’m so evil that I can’t be fully lighted. You have to deal
with this “slash of light” effect. Watch me abuse my house-elf.
HARRY
Dobby! You belong to him?
EVERYONE looks in DOBBY’S general direction.
AUDIENCE
Smooth, Harry. Real smooth.
DUMBLEDORE
Harry saved the day, Lucius. What do you think of that?
LUCIUS
DAMN! I mean, why should I care? I think I’ll be
evil somewhere else now.
HARRY
Wait up. I got Dobby in trouble and now I’ll get him out.
AUDIENCE
At least he’s responsible.
DOBBY
Harry Potter has played a nasty trick on Lucius Malfoy! What a hero!
LUCIUS
Why you little…AVADA…
AUDIENCE
What? WHAT?!
DOBBY saves HARRY, but the AUDIENCE is too busy goggling at LUCIUS’S AUDACITY to notice.
INT. GREAT HALL
DUMBLEDORE
Well, Voldemort’s defeated again. I don’t know why
we had so much trouble with him 12 years ago.
HERMIONE
I’m not petrified anymore!
HAGRID
I’m back!
CAST bursts into APPLAUSE, which confuses the AUDIENCE and causes them to APPLAUD too.
EVERYONE
What are we applauding? And why?
CREDITS
You want to see the end scene don’t you? Ha, ha!
Damn, I’m long.