Fanfiction: Once Upon a Freakin' Time
Still no closer on the Sky Captain Breadbox, but I do have a brand spankin' new Once Upon a Freakin' Time! And it features Lucius! I realized the other day that all of these stories were either "Lord Voldemort did this," "The Death Eaters did that," or "Severus Snape snarks inappropriately". There were absolutely no "Lucius Malfoy does something desperately stupid" stories! So, I've rectified this with my new story:
Lucius Malfoy Doesn’t Even Know Where to Begin
Voldemort surveyed the remains of his backyard with shock and chagrin. He had only gone out for forty-five minutes to pick up a new potion from Snape guaranteed to melt through solid objects. If he recalled correctly, Snape called it “sulfuric acid.” Voldemort was continually amazed at the resourcefulness and invented mind of his Potions Master.
But, never mind all that. The point was that Voldemort had not left the house for very long. Certainly not long enough to come back finding his backyard looking like this.
Shattered deckchairs strewn across the strip of grass that made up the back half of the yard. More deckchairs than the Dark Lord would have sworn the Death Eaters owned. Especially considering they didn’t have a deck. What looked like the remains of the gazebo half sticking out of the earth where the rock garden should have been. The cypress tree Voldemort had been cultivating looking like it had been splinched with an American chestnut. Numerous empty butterbeer bottles. Gloria, his Death Eaters were lightweights. Not the least evidence of which were the scattered unconscious bodies of at least seven of his Death Eaters.
“Oh, hello, My Lord,” said Lucius coming out of the anterior dining room, munching on a ham sandwich. “Have you been home long?”
“Lucius…the yard. My gazebo. The rock garden. What the hell happened here?”
“Oh. My. God. You would not believe what went on this afternoon. I mean, Travers was probably right to move the Ping-Pong table into the backyard so we didn’t ruin the family room.”
“Ping-Pong table?”
“Right, I should explain that first. Well, Rookwood and Barty…Barty is such a kidder. Did you know he could juggle too? He also does this great act with balloon animals. No clue where he learned all that. Do you know?”
“…What did Rookwood and Crouch do?”
“Well, they had been looking all last week for a Ping-Pong table because we heard the Order of the Phoenix had gotten a pool table. They were originally going to put it in the half-finished rec-room, next to the last cell, but the chick Karkaroff brought with him…”
“What chick?”
“The one who created the whirlwind.”
“WHIRLWIND?!”
“Well, we needed something to put out the fire.”
Voldemort stared at Lucius in disbelief. “What was on fire?”
“Your cypress. It started with the cookies, of course. I told them they had been in the oven too long. I had the most cooking experience, but would they listen to me? Noooooo. They had to do their own thing, and look where it got them.” Lucius gestured at the backyard.
“You mean, all of this…” Voldemort gestured half-heartedly along with Lucius, “…is because of cookies?”
“Not really. You see…” Lucius trailed off as Voldemort groaned. “Oh, I’ll make this quick. What happened before the cookies? Was it the Crabbe and the cannonball or was it Bellatrix transfiguring Dolohov into a badger…?”
Lucius pondered with his hands on his hips, tapping his foot. “It’s really all so complicated. I don’t even know where to begin,” he sighed sadly.
Voldemort sat on the remains of a deckchair and put his head between his knees.
Lucius Malfoy Doesn’t Even Know Where to Begin
Voldemort surveyed the remains of his backyard with shock and chagrin. He had only gone out for forty-five minutes to pick up a new potion from Snape guaranteed to melt through solid objects. If he recalled correctly, Snape called it “sulfuric acid.” Voldemort was continually amazed at the resourcefulness and invented mind of his Potions Master.
But, never mind all that. The point was that Voldemort had not left the house for very long. Certainly not long enough to come back finding his backyard looking like this.
Shattered deckchairs strewn across the strip of grass that made up the back half of the yard. More deckchairs than the Dark Lord would have sworn the Death Eaters owned. Especially considering they didn’t have a deck. What looked like the remains of the gazebo half sticking out of the earth where the rock garden should have been. The cypress tree Voldemort had been cultivating looking like it had been splinched with an American chestnut. Numerous empty butterbeer bottles. Gloria, his Death Eaters were lightweights. Not the least evidence of which were the scattered unconscious bodies of at least seven of his Death Eaters.
“Oh, hello, My Lord,” said Lucius coming out of the anterior dining room, munching on a ham sandwich. “Have you been home long?”
“Lucius…the yard. My gazebo. The rock garden. What the hell happened here?”
“Oh. My. God. You would not believe what went on this afternoon. I mean, Travers was probably right to move the Ping-Pong table into the backyard so we didn’t ruin the family room.”
“Ping-Pong table?”
“Right, I should explain that first. Well, Rookwood and Barty…Barty is such a kidder. Did you know he could juggle too? He also does this great act with balloon animals. No clue where he learned all that. Do you know?”
“…What did Rookwood and Crouch do?”
“Well, they had been looking all last week for a Ping-Pong table because we heard the Order of the Phoenix had gotten a pool table. They were originally going to put it in the half-finished rec-room, next to the last cell, but the chick Karkaroff brought with him…”
“What chick?”
“The one who created the whirlwind.”
“WHIRLWIND?!”
“Well, we needed something to put out the fire.”
Voldemort stared at Lucius in disbelief. “What was on fire?”
“Your cypress. It started with the cookies, of course. I told them they had been in the oven too long. I had the most cooking experience, but would they listen to me? Noooooo. They had to do their own thing, and look where it got them.” Lucius gestured at the backyard.
“You mean, all of this…” Voldemort gestured half-heartedly along with Lucius, “…is because of cookies?”
“Not really. You see…” Lucius trailed off as Voldemort groaned. “Oh, I’ll make this quick. What happened before the cookies? Was it the Crabbe and the cannonball or was it Bellatrix transfiguring Dolohov into a badger…?”
Lucius pondered with his hands on his hips, tapping his foot. “It’s really all so complicated. I don’t even know where to begin,” he sighed sadly.
Voldemort sat on the remains of a deckchair and put his head between his knees.