The Odyssey: Breadbox Edition: Book Two
I'm sorry this took so long, and I promise it won't happen again. I got caught up writing a fanfiction for a friend (a real one, with plot and everything!), and this got pushed aside. I'm not going to be waiting a month to finish parts from now on, because this would go on for two years.
THE ODYSSEY: BREADBOX EDITION
Book One
BOOK TWO: TELEMACHUS GETS HIS ASS IN GEAR
EXT. THE ASSEMBLY
SOME OLD GUY
The Assembly hasn’t been called for twenty years. I’m amazed that
absolutely nothing requiring governance has happened since Odysseus left.
TELEMACHUS
Hi! I’ve called you all here today to whine before a live studio audience!
SOME OTHER OLD GUY
Hey, we’re just glad you got us out of our homes.
TELEMACHUS
Seriously, old people of Ithaca, your sons are eating me out of
house and home, bothering the hell out of my mother, and have generally
been non-productive members of society for the past twenty years.
Why does no one else see a problem with this?
ANTINOUS
It’s your mother’s fault. She said she would marry one of us when she
finished a burial shroud for Laertes. Now, it was taking her nearly four
years to finish this, but we thought, “Wow, this must be one nice shroud,”
but then her maid told us that she was just undoing all her weaving at night!
She’s just stringing us along. That’s why it’s fair for us to ruin your household.
TELEMACHUS
Funny, I’d have taken that as a sign that she didn’t want to marry any of you.
ANTINOUS
You should send her home to her father, who’ll make her marry one of us.
TELEMACHUS
That would be unspeakably rude. And I don’t think I have that authority.
PENELOPE
Hey, do I get a say in any of this?
TELEMACHUS AND ANTINOUS
No.
TELEMACHUS
If you suitors don’t clear out soon, Zeus will avenge me.
INT. OLYMPUS
ZEUS
Hmmm? Did someone say my name? I guess I should do something godlike.
ZEUS releases two FIGHTING EAGLES.
ZEUS (cont.)
Okay, I’m opening up the betting.
HERMES
I’ll put ten on the darker eagle.
ARES
Twenty on the tawny one!
One of the EAGLES gets DEAD.
ARES
Damn!
HERMES
Sucker.
INT. THE ASSEMBLY
HALITHERSES
A sign! Zeus has sent a sign! Odysseus is coming home,
and will make the suitors suffer!
ANTINOUS
Shut up, old man. You saw a sign in your breakfast gruel this morning.
It’s just two birds, symbolic of Zeus, that just happen to be fighting over
our assembly as Telemachus mentions divine retribution. Nothing special.
TELEMACHUS
Well, regardless of what you suitors do, I’m leaving on a journey to Sparta and Pylos.
Leaving my mother completely alone to deal with your unwanted attentions, and
giving you plenty of time to plot my death and divide up my property.
ATHENA
Psst. Telemachus. I’m here in the guise of one of your
father’s oldest friends to tell you that no one is listening,
and you should just get on a boat and leave already.
TELEMACHUS
Are you Mentes again?
ATHENA
No, this time I’m Mentor. Try and keep up, Telemachus.
The ASSEMBLY breaks up because NOTHING was really happening ANYWAY.
SUITORS
We want to party again, but we’re worried Telemachus is going to
Pylos to hire cutthroats to kill us!
TELEMACHUS
Wish I’d thought of that, actually.
TELEMACHUS goes to get SUPPLIES from EURYCLEIA.
TELEMACHUS
Don’t tell my mother I’m leaving yet. If she finds out,
she’ll just cry, and make me a bagged lunch, and kiss
me goodbye in front of the entire crew.
EURYCLEIA
Don’t leave! The moment you’re gone, the suitors will plot
a way to kill you and take your birthright!
ATHENA
Hmm. Well, Odysseus will be here later, so I don’t have to
worry about that. But I should do something to keep the
suitors from stopping Telemachus tonight.
ATHENA casts the SPELL OF DRUNKENNESS on the SUITORS.
SUITORS
Thas soom gud wine…
*THUD*
ATHENA
Okay, time’s a wastin’, boys! Let’s go start
Telemachus’s journey of self-discovery!
THEY set sail on the sea of EXTENDED METAPHORS.
Next up: Book Three: King Nestor Rambles Interminably
THE ODYSSEY: BREADBOX EDITION
Book One
BOOK TWO: TELEMACHUS GETS HIS ASS IN GEAR
EXT. THE ASSEMBLY
SOME OLD GUY
The Assembly hasn’t been called for twenty years. I’m amazed that
absolutely nothing requiring governance has happened since Odysseus left.
TELEMACHUS
Hi! I’ve called you all here today to whine before a live studio audience!
SOME OTHER OLD GUY
Hey, we’re just glad you got us out of our homes.
TELEMACHUS
Seriously, old people of Ithaca, your sons are eating me out of
house and home, bothering the hell out of my mother, and have generally
been non-productive members of society for the past twenty years.
Why does no one else see a problem with this?
ANTINOUS
It’s your mother’s fault. She said she would marry one of us when she
finished a burial shroud for Laertes. Now, it was taking her nearly four
years to finish this, but we thought, “Wow, this must be one nice shroud,”
but then her maid told us that she was just undoing all her weaving at night!
She’s just stringing us along. That’s why it’s fair for us to ruin your household.
TELEMACHUS
Funny, I’d have taken that as a sign that she didn’t want to marry any of you.
ANTINOUS
You should send her home to her father, who’ll make her marry one of us.
TELEMACHUS
That would be unspeakably rude. And I don’t think I have that authority.
PENELOPE
Hey, do I get a say in any of this?
TELEMACHUS AND ANTINOUS
No.
TELEMACHUS
If you suitors don’t clear out soon, Zeus will avenge me.
INT. OLYMPUS
ZEUS
Hmmm? Did someone say my name? I guess I should do something godlike.
ZEUS releases two FIGHTING EAGLES.
ZEUS (cont.)
Okay, I’m opening up the betting.
HERMES
I’ll put ten on the darker eagle.
ARES
Twenty on the tawny one!
One of the EAGLES gets DEAD.
ARES
Damn!
HERMES
Sucker.
INT. THE ASSEMBLY
HALITHERSES
A sign! Zeus has sent a sign! Odysseus is coming home,
and will make the suitors suffer!
ANTINOUS
Shut up, old man. You saw a sign in your breakfast gruel this morning.
It’s just two birds, symbolic of Zeus, that just happen to be fighting over
our assembly as Telemachus mentions divine retribution. Nothing special.
TELEMACHUS
Well, regardless of what you suitors do, I’m leaving on a journey to Sparta and Pylos.
Leaving my mother completely alone to deal with your unwanted attentions, and
giving you plenty of time to plot my death and divide up my property.
ATHENA
Psst. Telemachus. I’m here in the guise of one of your
father’s oldest friends to tell you that no one is listening,
and you should just get on a boat and leave already.
TELEMACHUS
Are you Mentes again?
ATHENA
No, this time I’m Mentor. Try and keep up, Telemachus.
The ASSEMBLY breaks up because NOTHING was really happening ANYWAY.
SUITORS
We want to party again, but we’re worried Telemachus is going to
Pylos to hire cutthroats to kill us!
TELEMACHUS
Wish I’d thought of that, actually.
TELEMACHUS goes to get SUPPLIES from EURYCLEIA.
TELEMACHUS
Don’t tell my mother I’m leaving yet. If she finds out,
she’ll just cry, and make me a bagged lunch, and kiss
me goodbye in front of the entire crew.
EURYCLEIA
Don’t leave! The moment you’re gone, the suitors will plot
a way to kill you and take your birthright!
ATHENA
Hmm. Well, Odysseus will be here later, so I don’t have to
worry about that. But I should do something to keep the
suitors from stopping Telemachus tonight.
ATHENA casts the SPELL OF DRUNKENNESS on the SUITORS.
SUITORS
Thas soom gud wine…
*THUD*
ATHENA
Okay, time’s a wastin’, boys! Let’s go start
Telemachus’s journey of self-discovery!
THEY set sail on the sea of EXTENDED METAPHORS.
Next up: Book Three: King Nestor Rambles Interminably