infinte sorrow and the endless love
In order to fully comprehend a stiuation, one must detach its mind from all entities and see the situation from everyone and everything's eyes without attaching to someone or something." - Sun Tzu "The Art Of War"
well, the world does seem bleak and i am wondering as to why I am still alive. no i do not intend on killing myself. it is my curse and duty to live my life, not for me but for that person whom i am doomed to save with the last breath that would escape my lungs and sacrifice my lat heart beat for. i must live on without thinking of the small things. i am now at a crossroads as to which way i want my life to proceed again. my love is with two people. mike and shannon. i am ashamed to say this but all i can offer the both of you right now is love. sure the love for shannon is much different than the love i offer mike, but it is all i can give. i give it all to both of you with my heart. i leave none for myself now. take all of it please.
mike, . . . . . . . . . . i want ot be angry with you. but tears are all i can muster. please dont go. this is no joke what u said in your journal. it seems as if you feel undesired. we share a common bond - leading lives that we didnt particularly care for. i should have been an assasin, you should have been in that business with that other someone. we would have both been rich and successful leading the lives we dream about now. money, homes, cars, and an extravagant lifestyle would have been ou ways. but would we have had such friends and loves we have now? i now realize that as angry as i can get with not having my life the way i wanted, as much as i might miss the way things could have been, i would not be the sameperson i am now. sure, with all the money comes "friends" and "girls" but not like the ones i have now. i consider you to be more than just a friend. you know this. you are like the big brother i should have had. i wish you didnt feel this way. i am so happy with shannon and i can honestly see us going places, while you still embitter yourself with the one true love you have ever had in your life. i think it may be that time for you to go on about your business man. i know a little of her side and i know quite a bit moe from your side and it hurts me to see the two of you like this for no reason. if you need someone to help you be strong, like i have said to you in your journal, i have not failed you yet. dont make me cry more than i have to please. also, dont stay here jsut for me. i know how it feels to be like this, i felt it on the way home this morning. it hurts just to breathe. i feel as if i dont deserve what i have in this life and moreover, i feel as if i never will. i am also getting that feeling that i am not supposed to be here again. maybe it is time for us both to depart and go whence we came. maybe. maybe we can have that fight you always wanted with me to the death. hopefully we kill eachother huh? my palms against your fists. what a way to die huh? at least i know that i would be helping you out, and you know you would be laying down my weary soul to rest. what a bittersweet thought. it goes down really smooth doesnt it? almost as if it is actually meant ot happen. tears for you mike, nothing but tears.
shannon, how do i begin to explain what has happened since i left your car? read mike's journal and u might understand. listen to the song orestes by a perfect circle while you read it too. u will get a understanding as to how i feel right now. i swear i will do everything in my power to stay with you. i promise. death is and has always been a logical next step for me my sweet. please keep that in mind. its not that i wish to die, and niether will i help out with it, just know that i am prepared to die. i know you don't like it when i talk about that stuff, but please listen to me. i do love you and i do wat to be with you and only you. but what would you do if your best friend was like this? what would you do if jackie began talking like this? please try to understand that it is just my way. if someone needs me i intend to be there for that person. i cannot live my life selfishly for myself, it would be breaking a sacred bond with myself. for me todie for someone else would be the best thing to ever happen to my life. it would bring a meanign to my life. i cannot decribe this to you. some may see me a sa martyr, and i know you wouldn't want me to die.
"Every man dies. Not Every man lives." - Mel Gibson "Braveheart"
i think that i am living my life as best i can. i am secondary to others. i always put others before me. thats why i put you ahead so much. thats why i am always there for someone. it is my life's work to save the world, one person, one situation at a time. i know that i canot save the world, i am not naieve, but i can try to cant i? dont say its pointless because it isnt. if i can bring smiles and peace to some of the world's population, then my life is also complete. please dont hate me for this. please understand that i live because others helped me live, and now i feel the need to pay them back for their suffering that i have put them through. when i am with you, i am yours. i lvoe you so much, and i love being able to make you happy. this is what my life is meant for. this is what brings meaning to my life. now you should understand. i do not wish to take myself away from you, but if my sacrifice can help someone else out, i give it gladly without question. in this respect, i can never truly belong to anyone. i am sorry and i weep for you as well. my tears are bittersweet aqs well for you, because it would make me happy if i could do it for you so that u might live a better life. i was so happy to spend the past few days with you. it made tis tired sould vibrant with love and happiness as well as peace and serenity. i pray that the only way i am seperated from you is through death and not other means. muah my love. sleep well and remember that i am always with you so dont be afraid. my soul protects yours. rest easy now and dream your sweet dreams. i am not going anywhere i think. muah muah muah. i love you much.
-Jon Jon
well, the world does seem bleak and i am wondering as to why I am still alive. no i do not intend on killing myself. it is my curse and duty to live my life, not for me but for that person whom i am doomed to save with the last breath that would escape my lungs and sacrifice my lat heart beat for. i must live on without thinking of the small things. i am now at a crossroads as to which way i want my life to proceed again. my love is with two people. mike and shannon. i am ashamed to say this but all i can offer the both of you right now is love. sure the love for shannon is much different than the love i offer mike, but it is all i can give. i give it all to both of you with my heart. i leave none for myself now. take all of it please.
mike, . . . . . . . . . . i want ot be angry with you. but tears are all i can muster. please dont go. this is no joke what u said in your journal. it seems as if you feel undesired. we share a common bond - leading lives that we didnt particularly care for. i should have been an assasin, you should have been in that business with that other someone. we would have both been rich and successful leading the lives we dream about now. money, homes, cars, and an extravagant lifestyle would have been ou ways. but would we have had such friends and loves we have now? i now realize that as angry as i can get with not having my life the way i wanted, as much as i might miss the way things could have been, i would not be the sameperson i am now. sure, with all the money comes "friends" and "girls" but not like the ones i have now. i consider you to be more than just a friend. you know this. you are like the big brother i should have had. i wish you didnt feel this way. i am so happy with shannon and i can honestly see us going places, while you still embitter yourself with the one true love you have ever had in your life. i think it may be that time for you to go on about your business man. i know a little of her side and i know quite a bit moe from your side and it hurts me to see the two of you like this for no reason. if you need someone to help you be strong, like i have said to you in your journal, i have not failed you yet. dont make me cry more than i have to please. also, dont stay here jsut for me. i know how it feels to be like this, i felt it on the way home this morning. it hurts just to breathe. i feel as if i dont deserve what i have in this life and moreover, i feel as if i never will. i am also getting that feeling that i am not supposed to be here again. maybe it is time for us both to depart and go whence we came. maybe. maybe we can have that fight you always wanted with me to the death. hopefully we kill eachother huh? my palms against your fists. what a way to die huh? at least i know that i would be helping you out, and you know you would be laying down my weary soul to rest. what a bittersweet thought. it goes down really smooth doesnt it? almost as if it is actually meant ot happen. tears for you mike, nothing but tears.
shannon, how do i begin to explain what has happened since i left your car? read mike's journal and u might understand. listen to the song orestes by a perfect circle while you read it too. u will get a understanding as to how i feel right now. i swear i will do everything in my power to stay with you. i promise. death is and has always been a logical next step for me my sweet. please keep that in mind. its not that i wish to die, and niether will i help out with it, just know that i am prepared to die. i know you don't like it when i talk about that stuff, but please listen to me. i do love you and i do wat to be with you and only you. but what would you do if your best friend was like this? what would you do if jackie began talking like this? please try to understand that it is just my way. if someone needs me i intend to be there for that person. i cannot live my life selfishly for myself, it would be breaking a sacred bond with myself. for me todie for someone else would be the best thing to ever happen to my life. it would bring a meanign to my life. i cannot decribe this to you. some may see me a sa martyr, and i know you wouldn't want me to die.
"Every man dies. Not Every man lives." - Mel Gibson "Braveheart"
i think that i am living my life as best i can. i am secondary to others. i always put others before me. thats why i put you ahead so much. thats why i am always there for someone. it is my life's work to save the world, one person, one situation at a time. i know that i canot save the world, i am not naieve, but i can try to cant i? dont say its pointless because it isnt. if i can bring smiles and peace to some of the world's population, then my life is also complete. please dont hate me for this. please understand that i live because others helped me live, and now i feel the need to pay them back for their suffering that i have put them through. when i am with you, i am yours. i lvoe you so much, and i love being able to make you happy. this is what my life is meant for. this is what brings meaning to my life. now you should understand. i do not wish to take myself away from you, but if my sacrifice can help someone else out, i give it gladly without question. in this respect, i can never truly belong to anyone. i am sorry and i weep for you as well. my tears are bittersweet aqs well for you, because it would make me happy if i could do it for you so that u might live a better life. i was so happy to spend the past few days with you. it made tis tired sould vibrant with love and happiness as well as peace and serenity. i pray that the only way i am seperated from you is through death and not other means. muah my love. sleep well and remember that i am always with you so dont be afraid. my soul protects yours. rest easy now and dream your sweet dreams. i am not going anywhere i think. muah muah muah. i love you much.
-Jon Jon