Yet another fight.
So i pretty much said i was done using Livejournal. But a good friend reminded me it was a place to vent. And i always hated using this, simply because friends had open access to what i wanted to say, and it either created problems, made people feel bad for me, or just..... it wasnt the response i wanted.
So im here to vent. Im not willingly sharing my life with you simply because im crying out with problems, or because i want the attention. I cant hold in my problems... hell, when my dad called today, i vented off on him without even blinking... :(
Things started off fine this morning. My mom ended up wanting help with picture taking of a new horse she got. And things were still fine, until my mom realized she was late on chores. Its funny, i ALWAYS was given shit for feeding cats no later than 10:30am, but she feels them at a general 11, 11:30... to 12:30. Just funny how rules only apply to certain people.
It was 1pm, and she had yet to do any chores. (I should point out to those who don't know. A month ago, she told me i get to pay $25 dollar rent a week to live here and not do chores).. She ended up yelling my name like someone was gonna die... A yell as in, if i didn't hurry, the situation would get worse. I raced out to her, and she said this. "Because you owe me rent, im going to charge you interest.".... and that really really fried my peacefulness. Beginning of Janurary, i gave her $50 dollars... which wasnt enough for the month of Janurary... so a week ago i asked her "What weeks did i pay you? how much do i owe you?" and she said "i thought you were all paid off".... i asked her to let me know what i havent payed her for. Never told me. But now its all of a sudden, "you owe me money and i didnt get it, so im collecting interest.".... no, that aint fucking right.
So, pissed... i went into my room, grabbed all the money i had on me... $44 dollars, wrote her a note saying "this is for 2 weeks of pay. Ill give you $6 dollars when i come home" and dated the note, clipped it with a paper clip, and went back to doing my things. I KNEW what the "interest" was.... it was going to be her way of having me do the chores for her, because of how late it was. No, fuck that, its her fault chores were put off... im not here to pick up her slack because she doesnt want to do it. I had things i wanted/needed to do... and her shit wasnt on the list. She came to me a few minutes later and said "can i get you to help me out?" and i flat out said "No.".... It sucks... because all my life, i felt that if someone asked me for help, and i didnt help them..... they would be mad at me. Id feel guilty turning someone down who needed help. And both my mom and my uncle told me i cant let people walk over me, and use me. I need to stand up for myself and do things my way, not everyone elses way. So... i was doing just that. She gave me shit over interest.... no, fuck that. If she thinks thats some way to get what she wants... no. I wont help her.
And that pissed her off. I was in the kitchen cooking taco meat, while she was doing cats. And the feelings in that room were so unblieveably intense. She was beyond pissed at me because how DARE i tell her no. After she got the cats fed in her silence, she put on her clothes to go do chores. She came in the kitchen and said this. "Since you cant help me, am i to assume you cant come out and take pictures?".... in this, snotty tone. Once again, she was giving me additude and shit, and im not gonna put up with that. I flat out said, "Not if your going to give me that kind of additude." and she slammed the door and walked out.
Seriously... does that make any fucking sense? She gives me additude, gives me shit, and expects me to willingly help her?
She ends up, 10 minutes later, calling on the intercom from the barn saying "If you're coming out here, i need you to come out here now".. and so i went to the intercom and said back to her, "I hardly have any chance to get ready, its going to take me at least 10 minutes before i can be ready.".... ya know? she cant expect me to be on my hands and feet ready to serve her. She knew i was cooking food. So i wait for a response and got none. So i said again "Should i bother coming out there? Will you wait?".... and once again got nothing. Waited a bit and said "Are you around?".... and got nothing. So i said fuck it... i tried.
about 5 minutes later, she comes into the house, and says "The horse is waiting in the crossties, and shes not happy. I need you out here now".... and at that point... i was fighting the urge to just... blow up. I picked up the wooden spoon and was just going to throw it in frustration... but i stopped myself... i grabbed the lid for the taco meat, and wanted to slam it down on the taco pan, but.... i didnt. Then my mom says, "Oh stop that".... and i couldnt handle it. Thats when the arguement broke out. I told her to shut up, and of course... thats not the best thing to say to her, but at this point, i lost care. She then tells me to shut up, and proceeds to list off 2 favors shes done for me in the past 48 hours... as if, "i did you favors, you should do me favors". I say back to her "i do favors for you" and she says "I didnt say you DONT do me favors."... I told her "Why should i do you a favor when you don't even treast me with any respect?" and she almost laughed to herself and went off on me about how i have a shitty additude today and shes sick of the way im acting.... and of course, that didnt go over well with me. I started to go into how shes treated me today, and typical mom, interrupts me, speaking louder, to stop me from what i had to say. I then say "If you arent going to show me any respect, then you're not going to get any respect from me." and told her im not going to take pictures. So with a slam of the front door, and her outloud saying "Fuck you matt, fuck you".... she went on her way.
Is anything i did out of line? Did i not have room to feel the way i did? Telling me i owe her interest over rent when she never once spoke to me about "i dont have a pay from you"... or anything. Telling her own son he owes her interest, just because she can get away with it? It was her way of telling me to do her chores.... and no, im not going to pick up her slack. Was i out of line for feeling the way i did?.... was i seriously stepping my boundries because i didnt feel she deserved my help when she treated me like shit?
I PROMISE you she is throughly pissed at me... and has no interest hearing my side of the story.... im just so sick of that about her. She is perfect. She cant do anything wrong, and if anyone tries to challenge it, then all hell breaks loose on that person, and she will make sure they regret it. Shes BEYOND over critical with me..... EVERYTHING ive ever does was never good enough for her....
Im just so sick of the way she treats me. Its not fucking right.... i truely cant stand it...