he ain't coming back
So he's gone and it doesn't look like I'll even be able to go to the funeral...don't ask, I don't want to talk about it, I just want to explain how shitty it is. I can't even go....
I guess that I might be able to now, after rearranging everything. I hate how I can't even cry because there are no shoulders here, there is no one to say it's okay or that this is how you are supposed to feel. Times like this is when I would want someone, someone that would just be there for me, just to comfort me, just worrying about me. But of course, here I am in a room all alone, with random visits from my cat. Everyone else has their busy lives, and I'm just some random object that never moves, like a street sign or something. I swear no one in my family has asked about my feelings, the only thing I got was, well maybe it will be too stressful for you and so you shouldn't go....but the next day I get, well if you don't go you might not be able to say your goodbyes. Well which is it???? This morning was crazy too, I woke up at 8, and i don't think i took my pills, but i can't remember, and then i woke up again at 10 and took the normal ones. I really hope that I didn't mess up and take double what i'm supposed to....yikes.
and about the hanging out last night, i'm really not sure at all. maybe just will everything else on my mind, i just don't have time to think about it....well thats to donnie, if it was compltely bad i could have peaced out, but it wasn't terrible. I don't know, I guess it kinda sucked since my mind was not there, but thinking about my grandpa, so that's not how I usually really am. Opening doors and stuff like that is super cute, but I don't know, that doesn't mean everything, ya know. And there was a reference to next time we hang out, so I guess that's a positive thing. If I didn't want to hang out with someone, i'd leave asap and be like cool, well maybe give me a call later.....or I'll just say that I'll give him a call later tomorrow or something and just won't....that's an obvious brush off.
I wonder if it's weird that sometimes I wish that I wasn't even born, so then I wouldn't have to go through all of these terrible things....I'm 20, I don't want to deal with all this stuff....and if I never was, I wouldn't have to. Maybe it's just really hard for me to see all the good things, which never seem as big of a deal as the bad ones. I have a terrible feeling at the funeral, I'm gonna be taking the ativan like nothing, I can't get super upset there, that side of the family is basically like strangers. I don't have a clue what to do about anything anymore, I wish that I could get someone to just make all my decisions for me. That would be awesome.
I guess that I might be able to now, after rearranging everything. I hate how I can't even cry because there are no shoulders here, there is no one to say it's okay or that this is how you are supposed to feel. Times like this is when I would want someone, someone that would just be there for me, just to comfort me, just worrying about me. But of course, here I am in a room all alone, with random visits from my cat. Everyone else has their busy lives, and I'm just some random object that never moves, like a street sign or something. I swear no one in my family has asked about my feelings, the only thing I got was, well maybe it will be too stressful for you and so you shouldn't go....but the next day I get, well if you don't go you might not be able to say your goodbyes. Well which is it???? This morning was crazy too, I woke up at 8, and i don't think i took my pills, but i can't remember, and then i woke up again at 10 and took the normal ones. I really hope that I didn't mess up and take double what i'm supposed to....yikes.
and about the hanging out last night, i'm really not sure at all. maybe just will everything else on my mind, i just don't have time to think about it....well thats to donnie, if it was compltely bad i could have peaced out, but it wasn't terrible. I don't know, I guess it kinda sucked since my mind was not there, but thinking about my grandpa, so that's not how I usually really am. Opening doors and stuff like that is super cute, but I don't know, that doesn't mean everything, ya know. And there was a reference to next time we hang out, so I guess that's a positive thing. If I didn't want to hang out with someone, i'd leave asap and be like cool, well maybe give me a call later.....or I'll just say that I'll give him a call later tomorrow or something and just won't....that's an obvious brush off.
I wonder if it's weird that sometimes I wish that I wasn't even born, so then I wouldn't have to go through all of these terrible things....I'm 20, I don't want to deal with all this stuff....and if I never was, I wouldn't have to. Maybe it's just really hard for me to see all the good things, which never seem as big of a deal as the bad ones. I have a terrible feeling at the funeral, I'm gonna be taking the ativan like nothing, I can't get super upset there, that side of the family is basically like strangers. I don't have a clue what to do about anything anymore, I wish that I could get someone to just make all my decisions for me. That would be awesome.