i hate games
yeah, so can we say this weekend has been the worst i think i've ever had....i'm tempted not to even write it down so that i can just pretend that it didn't happen. I don't even know where to begin....except that I was bored and wanted to go hang out somewhere else, so I made plans with carl to go a party with him and derek. well i guess that i had too much to drink, way too much, and i think that it reacted with my medicine, yeah, all 5, and i guess i just fell over and passed out, and then woke up and freaked out. I don't even remember getting to the party at all, the last thing I remember is talking to this guy, who from what i remember was really hot, probably throwing mad crazy game at him and i've been trying to remember anytihng else, I think i remember being kinda curled in a ball opn the ambulance bed thing. Then waking up in the hospital was the worst, I felt like shit, went and threw up and layed back down. Then I guess I was getting discharged at 8 something, so I called my parents to tell them and i slept in the waiting room while they drove to ann arbor. its 2 days later and i'm still throwing up, it's disgusting. I hate it. I probably really shouldn't of drank at all, but i just hate that i'm not supposed to, I just want to be normal like everyone else, it's just hard to really believe that I can't do all these things when 3 months ago I could go get drunk and do whatever I wanted. The only thing that I'm really glad about is that I can call my parents and they won't just leave me there, but they care enough to come help me when I need it. it sucks, I feel like I'm this 2 year old, like I almost should be constantly watched because i might make shitty choices. I hate that my mom was like do you think you have a drinking problem, and I know I don't, I know it, but it's hard because all I hear is that you are normal, you are normal, and i just want to scream no, i'm not fucking normal, if i was normal I wouldn't of been at the hospital, I wouldn't have one of my teeth chipped, I could drink like all other 20 year olds are. And I'm expected to find some 20 year olds who don't drink....I almost think that that's impossible, anyone I know drinks, everyone does. I guess maybe if I had a boyfriend, one that didn't want to go out all the time, I could do it. But I don't think that I'm even close to that with anyone. I don't think I want to be sometimes too, sometimes I wonder how my parents even put up with me, with all this shit. It makes me feel so bad, I'm trying so hard, but I can't always decide if something is a bad decision, and sometimes its like I don't have a choice, I have to do this. If I'm struggling with trying to have a good relationship with my parents, well my mom and I have a really good one, but if that's even hard, then obviously it's going to be even more challenging to try to date someone or be a good girlfriend. What really sucks is when you care about someone and they are all about the games, well I can play the games and I can win, but so what, what if I do win, do you really think that we are going to be together, the only way I see that being possible is if I play the games back and so it keeps you interested in me....i don't get why it's that hard to care about someone and want to be upfront about anything. It's sick, I know that I'm not just going to stop talking to you, because in my own sick and twisted way it gives me something to do and some sick pleasure from being able to get a reaction out of you.
But the hospital thing, that's really not me, I am really mad that I let that happen, I hate how that makes me look. I'm not some drunk, I don't even drink that often or much, it's just the fact that when you can't do something, you want to even more. I don't like drinking, but if you can't do it and everyone else around you can, you want to do it too....it just builds up over time. And I hate it, I don't think that I'm going to be going out to parties any time soon, I'd rather just go and do stuff during the day with people and then do something low key at night, not being around drinking or drunk people, I can't handle it. My mom decided too that they aren't going to drink, so that there will be no alcohol in the house and I won't have to watch my parents drink, because if you are always around it, even at home, maybe you would understand that I can't get away from it, it's like someone rubbing it in my face that they can do it and I can't. I hate it.
But the hospital thing, that's really not me, I am really mad that I let that happen, I hate how that makes me look. I'm not some drunk, I don't even drink that often or much, it's just the fact that when you can't do something, you want to even more. I don't like drinking, but if you can't do it and everyone else around you can, you want to do it too....it just builds up over time. And I hate it, I don't think that I'm going to be going out to parties any time soon, I'd rather just go and do stuff during the day with people and then do something low key at night, not being around drinking or drunk people, I can't handle it. My mom decided too that they aren't going to drink, so that there will be no alcohol in the house and I won't have to watch my parents drink, because if you are always around it, even at home, maybe you would understand that I can't get away from it, it's like someone rubbing it in my face that they can do it and I can't. I hate it.