No One's Princess
As I've mentioned before, my relationship with my father over the past year has been... rocky at best. However, over the last few months, I thought things were starting to get better. We were talking more... even laughing. But just a few weeks before my mom came home from Manila, old family friends of the who still reside in Kearney started to contacting me. I don't know if their motive was to prepare me for the messiness that would be the divorce hearing of my parents, but none the less, I appreciate them for telling me what my father has been hiding for some time.
From the moment I discovered that my father had been cheating on my mom, I told him to do things right. He couldn't be with her and my mom at the same time. I also said that I didn't owe her [dad's mistress] anything. I don't have to like her. I don't have to respect her. I find it hard to respect or like any married woman, who looks up her married ex-boyfriend, hooks up with him, and then encourages the most disgusting behavior... Like lie to your kids about not having any money and then sending it to her.
This past Saturday, I confronted my father about the information pouring in to me from Kearney. Flaunting her around town, buying her expensive gifts, introducing her to all of my childhood friends as if she's a wonderful new addition to our family. And all the while, he's telling me, "No, I can't visit you this week, I'm on call." or "No, don't come down and see me this week, I may be working." or "Tell Lian [my little sister] that I can't pay for her college tuition. Ask your mother"
I asked him, "Dad, how do you think this makes me feel? I'm humiliated. You lied to me. I feel like you put her before me. Tell me, how do you think that makes me feel?"
He responded with these comments in no particular order:
"If you can't deal with the fact that this woman is going to be in my life, than you are no longer part of my life. I am not your father."
"Be sure to tell your children that it's your fault that you no longer have a father. You chose for them to not have a grandfather. It's your fault."
You made your choice. I've made mine. You will not be invited to my funeral."
"Tell your brother and sister, they're cowards for not wanting to talk to me."
"I'm tired of apologizing. I did nothing wrong."
"You're so fucking selfish. All you can think about is your feelings."
"All you kids are failures. What a waste of time and money."
"Rot in hell, goodbye."
My response to all this:
"My friend's mother died just a few weeks ago. He reminded me that the last thing you say to someone may be the last thing you ever say to them. So, I'll just say this. That I love you."
Dad:
"Fuck you." *hangs up*
I cant' tell you how hurt I am. My reason for breathing is to choke down the tears. I'm no one's little girl anymore. No one will ever again call me their princess. In a way, I feel orphaned. Even at the age of 28, times like this make me want my mother. I miss her, half a world away in the Philippines. I find myself asking, "Am I really such a disgrace? Was I such a terrible child that I drove my father away?" I know the answers to these questions are "no" but I ask them anyway.
And so, painful as it is, I have chosen to not allow myself this kind of treatment. I know that the last thing I said to my father was said in love. I can go to sleep with my integrity and values. Painful as it may be, I still have that. That's got to be worth something, right?
From the moment I discovered that my father had been cheating on my mom, I told him to do things right. He couldn't be with her and my mom at the same time. I also said that I didn't owe her [dad's mistress] anything. I don't have to like her. I don't have to respect her. I find it hard to respect or like any married woman, who looks up her married ex-boyfriend, hooks up with him, and then encourages the most disgusting behavior... Like lie to your kids about not having any money and then sending it to her.
This past Saturday, I confronted my father about the information pouring in to me from Kearney. Flaunting her around town, buying her expensive gifts, introducing her to all of my childhood friends as if she's a wonderful new addition to our family. And all the while, he's telling me, "No, I can't visit you this week, I'm on call." or "No, don't come down and see me this week, I may be working." or "Tell Lian [my little sister] that I can't pay for her college tuition. Ask your mother"
I asked him, "Dad, how do you think this makes me feel? I'm humiliated. You lied to me. I feel like you put her before me. Tell me, how do you think that makes me feel?"
He responded with these comments in no particular order:
"If you can't deal with the fact that this woman is going to be in my life, than you are no longer part of my life. I am not your father."
"Be sure to tell your children that it's your fault that you no longer have a father. You chose for them to not have a grandfather. It's your fault."
You made your choice. I've made mine. You will not be invited to my funeral."
"Tell your brother and sister, they're cowards for not wanting to talk to me."
"I'm tired of apologizing. I did nothing wrong."
"You're so fucking selfish. All you can think about is your feelings."
"All you kids are failures. What a waste of time and money."
"Rot in hell, goodbye."
My response to all this:
"My friend's mother died just a few weeks ago. He reminded me that the last thing you say to someone may be the last thing you ever say to them. So, I'll just say this. That I love you."
Dad:
"Fuck you." *hangs up*
I cant' tell you how hurt I am. My reason for breathing is to choke down the tears. I'm no one's little girl anymore. No one will ever again call me their princess. In a way, I feel orphaned. Even at the age of 28, times like this make me want my mother. I miss her, half a world away in the Philippines. I find myself asking, "Am I really such a disgrace? Was I such a terrible child that I drove my father away?" I know the answers to these questions are "no" but I ask them anyway.
And so, painful as it is, I have chosen to not allow myself this kind of treatment. I know that the last thing I said to my father was said in love. I can go to sleep with my integrity and values. Painful as it may be, I still have that. That's got to be worth something, right?