You Can't Roleplay Your Way Through Life
That's what he said, and I felt some tears sting my eyes.
First dates usually suck, and are awkward, and I inevitably say something really asinine. So there I was this evening, on a first date, having made some new pledges to myself that I had kept, all night.
I would be myself as entirely as was appropriate. (You know, goofy, but not picking my nose *wink*.)
I would not apologize for my weight, nor for my personality.
I would be honest about my mistakes but not give them too much importance. Again, just not apologizing for who I am.
I started this from the moment I read his profile. As I'd written a few days ago, I was going to go out on a limb and really just be as off-beat and misanthropic as I really am, no more, no less, and see what happened. So, what happened was that he really got a charge out of that. We had such a wide-ranging conversation tonight, and it was comfortable throughout, other than my first-few-moment jitters. I listened to the advice everyone has given me; just be YOURSELF and it will all go all right!
And so it did.
Toward the end of the night, I admitted that I had such a stress-free date because I really stopped worrying about doing anything except getting to know him. I stopped editing my goofiness, stopped panicking that I might be making a strange facial expression, stopped worrying that he thought I was ugly. He smiled at that, and he gave me the title of this post, "You can't roleplay your way through life."
I told him that what he'd said was more profound than he probably knew. I look at my most recent relationship, a relationship I poured so much energy into, and I constantly apologized to him for who I was. I felt unappreciated and like I would never measure up to whatever it was that I imagined that he wanted. I loved him (and have no small measure of love for him still), but always felt like he was condescending to date me. I was constantly second-guessing everything I said or did, weighing every word, panicking about what his family thought of me. The stress throughout that entire year was more that I can express and was really damaging to my sense of worth. And that, quite honestly, is my fault, not his. Perhaps if I'd stopped giving him what I thought he wanted rather than what I actually am, things would have turned out differently -- and I take full responsibility for that. But I learned, oh yes -- I have gleaned a strong lesson from it.
I don't know what will happen with this new person. I know we are going to have a second date. I know I enjoy his company. He thinks I'm funny and smart, and I think the same about him. So, you know, one day at a time, I think, slowly figuring it out. There are so many strong emotions and thoughts swirling around in my head and heart right now. He's really made me think about myself and the way I've treated myself all my life (but especially in the past year). Maybe I'm not a horrible as I thought. Maybe I don't have as much to be sorry for as I thought. Maybe the issue wasn't so much the things I was sorry for, but that I was so apologetic about being a person. I feel strong today, and vulnerable all at once.
Don't worry. I will be careful. I don't feel in a hurry. But I think today was a good step in the right direction for me. I'm really glad I decided to just let it all happen as it would, and stop being so frigging sorry all the time.
First dates usually suck, and are awkward, and I inevitably say something really asinine. So there I was this evening, on a first date, having made some new pledges to myself that I had kept, all night.
I would be myself as entirely as was appropriate. (You know, goofy, but not picking my nose *wink*.)
I would not apologize for my weight, nor for my personality.
I would be honest about my mistakes but not give them too much importance. Again, just not apologizing for who I am.
I started this from the moment I read his profile. As I'd written a few days ago, I was going to go out on a limb and really just be as off-beat and misanthropic as I really am, no more, no less, and see what happened. So, what happened was that he really got a charge out of that. We had such a wide-ranging conversation tonight, and it was comfortable throughout, other than my first-few-moment jitters. I listened to the advice everyone has given me; just be YOURSELF and it will all go all right!
And so it did.
Toward the end of the night, I admitted that I had such a stress-free date because I really stopped worrying about doing anything except getting to know him. I stopped editing my goofiness, stopped panicking that I might be making a strange facial expression, stopped worrying that he thought I was ugly. He smiled at that, and he gave me the title of this post, "You can't roleplay your way through life."
I told him that what he'd said was more profound than he probably knew. I look at my most recent relationship, a relationship I poured so much energy into, and I constantly apologized to him for who I was. I felt unappreciated and like I would never measure up to whatever it was that I imagined that he wanted. I loved him (and have no small measure of love for him still), but always felt like he was condescending to date me. I was constantly second-guessing everything I said or did, weighing every word, panicking about what his family thought of me. The stress throughout that entire year was more that I can express and was really damaging to my sense of worth. And that, quite honestly, is my fault, not his. Perhaps if I'd stopped giving him what I thought he wanted rather than what I actually am, things would have turned out differently -- and I take full responsibility for that. But I learned, oh yes -- I have gleaned a strong lesson from it.
I don't know what will happen with this new person. I know we are going to have a second date. I know I enjoy his company. He thinks I'm funny and smart, and I think the same about him. So, you know, one day at a time, I think, slowly figuring it out. There are so many strong emotions and thoughts swirling around in my head and heart right now. He's really made me think about myself and the way I've treated myself all my life (but especially in the past year). Maybe I'm not a horrible as I thought. Maybe I don't have as much to be sorry for as I thought. Maybe the issue wasn't so much the things I was sorry for, but that I was so apologetic about being a person. I feel strong today, and vulnerable all at once.
Don't worry. I will be careful. I don't feel in a hurry. But I think today was a good step in the right direction for me. I'm really glad I decided to just let it all happen as it would, and stop being so frigging sorry all the time.