Let the good ones go
I'm missing some of the moments in life that I was responsible for making and and I guarantee the memory that has taken its place wasn't of anything of more importance, in fact it was something that could of waited and only highlights the negative self centered characteristics I try and play off as not having. When you agree to be somewhere and you're no where to be found that makes you a liar, and adds a tally next to your name (and believe me they keep score) enough of these tallies and expect for your name to be off the board eventually. This is a bit of an odd one. Half an hour and this is all I could spit out. It's so hard to organize it all when there isn't a starting point that has an advantage over another. There is no short cut or one less difficult. Every way it can be divided and every option looked at requires the same amount of time an patience to sort it all which makes it.. I'm out of it. I'm not really sure about any of it all anymore. I have no idea what I'm facing. I have no plan and no idea how it happens when your whole life you've been raised on what your plan is going to be.
All the wrong words are coming to mind; what's odd is what little relevance these words hold. No one is really into the spirit of planning nowadays. I think people can still maintain a great and healthy life without a plan an having to take each day as they come; you begin to notice that it's not so hard to face the days one by one; individually it is not so hard. It's the months that require patience and hope; looking and sitting through the days collectively counting and waiting for the time to come.
There are so many others that never do anything. That live meager lives and have children that did even less. There's no reason to leave a mark. No one needs to remember your name and you don't need to be noticed. People need to get past themselves and stop thinking that others are listening. They are just looking at you cause you're talking. You'll never understand how miserably small you are in it all; but please just shut the fuck up.
I feel very outside my element at this moment. For me I welcome the silence that leaves everyone in the room asking If you would kindly point them in the direction of the nearest exit after they built up enough confidence to make up an emergency and they must be going, stumbling over their sentences as they just talk faster and faster - we all smell what bullshit it is as you go on you're way. For me there is not many places in which I can find comfort to relish in. Maybe it's not so much situations, but people don't usually intimidate me, I don't cower in front of figures I don't think much of. But for the few that I do admire, that have something to offer and look down on me with great reason; it's these people that I choke in front of. I am no longer quick, on point, reasonable or sharp. My education retreats with my voice only coming out in brief mumbled. incoherent sentences that mirror the way a child would approach a parent when they knew they had to get a report card signed because their gpa was low. Or more like teenage trouble maker that bit off more than he could chew as he approaches the judge that's going to show him exactly what being an adult implies in the court of law. I don't necessarily fear them as much as I feel unsubstantial. I just feel more like a student listening to the teacher or how a son would look up to his father. I never sought out a battle of wits. I just put the assholes that think they're Einstein down on a chair and school them on how they need to be a little sharper and a lot quicker, because when it comes to me it's a no brainer. And it's a no brainer because it's idiots that usually wanna start shit and give you enough material just on their disposition to make them feel stupid enough and make them realize they are no one to be talking about someone else. The things flung back, my ammunition, every bit that I spit stings and burns only because what I say has bearing. What I say we both knows as true and know universally. Snoody and snide but only because you have forgotten that you're no one to talk. And you quickly learn to think before you speak about the kid that stands in silence and you underestimated. Because it's this moment I've been waiting for to open my mouth.