(no subject)
It's amazing.................being 25 years old and when I'm out I basically accomplish the amount of nothing I accomplished when I was a young punk and shy as hell. To me it's a gauge in life, a true depiction of how far I've come (or not come) and how comfortable I am (or not) in my own skin. Why is it so fucking hard to just say fuck it and say hello, say "Hey there, I'm Jeremy, what's your name?" It's the ultimate self psych-out every fucking minute I'm out there and it makes me sick to my stomach that I continue to persist with these non-aggressive ways.
I stand there all the time........with my boys, semi-charmed smile, looking like I'm having a good time when really I'm sitting there mentally ripping myself because I'm wasting so much time sitting there with that stupid grin on my face when really I want to meet a girl......... two girls.........however many girls it takes to find somebody I can care about. Instead I stand and watch flaky friends rip off cheeseball line after cheeseball line pretending that they're God's gift to this earth with expectations higher than the most naive arrogance of the prick-iest prick to grace the social scene.
I don't even know what that feels like anymore. That's sad man. Part self-construction, part self-destruction, it's who I am these days.
It's amazing that I used to be that sophomore in high school who'd make mix tapes specifically to play in his car for his dates.........that sophomore who'd find a girl and crush so hard he couldn't sleep at night......the guy in middle school who used to fall asleep to Bobby Brown slow jams thinking incessently about a girl. Now if I attempt to do anything forthcoming I fear immediate rejection because I might be coming on too strong. It's like being told yes and no at the same time if you can picture that.
I think about it all the time really...........finding a girl I could focus on...........do all the things it would take to let her know she's #1 ..........that she's what brings a smile to my face when I see her walk.......when I smell her perfume........ I want to make a girl feel special............ but I certainly don't act like it, that's for sure. I only vaguely remember what it feels like to know when a girl is doing something for me, like wear a special outfit she knows I like or all the other little trivial things people who like each other do to let the other know that they're what matters in this life..........genuine.........I couldn't even tell you what that's about anymore.
I'm just so disgusted that my quality of life has sunk to this.
Instead I'm left to come home to the jokes that are my roommates relationships with their respective girls..........we all work together by the way, so I never get a break from it. Just watching them makes me realize what I don't want in my next relationship..............odds are the drought continues for some time so maybe I shouldn't be too concerned with those kinds of things.
I'm am so fucking bored.
I stand there all the time........with my boys, semi-charmed smile, looking like I'm having a good time when really I'm sitting there mentally ripping myself because I'm wasting so much time sitting there with that stupid grin on my face when really I want to meet a girl......... two girls.........however many girls it takes to find somebody I can care about. Instead I stand and watch flaky friends rip off cheeseball line after cheeseball line pretending that they're God's gift to this earth with expectations higher than the most naive arrogance of the prick-iest prick to grace the social scene.
I don't even know what that feels like anymore. That's sad man. Part self-construction, part self-destruction, it's who I am these days.
It's amazing that I used to be that sophomore in high school who'd make mix tapes specifically to play in his car for his dates.........that sophomore who'd find a girl and crush so hard he couldn't sleep at night......the guy in middle school who used to fall asleep to Bobby Brown slow jams thinking incessently about a girl. Now if I attempt to do anything forthcoming I fear immediate rejection because I might be coming on too strong. It's like being told yes and no at the same time if you can picture that.
I think about it all the time really...........finding a girl I could focus on...........do all the things it would take to let her know she's #1 ..........that she's what brings a smile to my face when I see her walk.......when I smell her perfume........ I want to make a girl feel special............ but I certainly don't act like it, that's for sure. I only vaguely remember what it feels like to know when a girl is doing something for me, like wear a special outfit she knows I like or all the other little trivial things people who like each other do to let the other know that they're what matters in this life..........genuine.........I couldn't even tell you what that's about anymore.
I'm just so disgusted that my quality of life has sunk to this.
Instead I'm left to come home to the jokes that are my roommates relationships with their respective girls..........we all work together by the way, so I never get a break from it. Just watching them makes me realize what I don't want in my next relationship..............odds are the drought continues for some time so maybe I shouldn't be too concerned with those kinds of things.
I'm am so fucking bored.