Meh
Regarding my post earlier, know please that I have not driven off a bridge or done anything else stupid.
I was online playing a video game with my friend. We usually manage 3 or 4 hours and are then “ok look at the time”.
But ended up on the phone for 6 hours 20.
While I actually don’t generally enjoy talking on the phone, when a lot of it is about the game, it’s fine. Basically phone on speaker instead of game headsets. Much easier and more reliable. And still free/included in the unlimited minutes plan.
Being so much older than me it’s a very comfortable friendship - I’d say he’s more of a father but let’s say step father or uncle as I can be more open etc. Plus I do have a father, not that I talk about him much. But that’s another story for another blog, in another time era.
Anyway I sent him the link to this but said I didn’t want to talk about it (because another friend was chatting to me and I started to cry again....) but after an hour or so of inane chatter and all the fun that comes of GTA4 (because I know it’s a game and it’s an amazing venting tool for the things you’d never dream of doing in real life - a game has never made me want to do anything I wouldn’t normally do!), I started to relax. After a longer period he said something and I made a flippant comment about what was in my head. And yeah I was fine.
What’s annoying is that this is hormonal. You may remember me feeling like this many years ago, if you’ve followed my journal until now.
Well 11 years ago I first had the courage to go to my doctor, after a while or realising I had some sort of depression. Sure enough it was clinical depression at the time. I was on Prozac for a year.
More recently I’ve been back on the Prozac, and as previously mentioned, I’ve been switched to Zoloft.
I seem to have had 2 episodes in 8 days now... but what I should point out is that the social/personal anxiety attack was one thing: that’s to do with the brain chemistry and my back off or I’ll bite so hard instinct. (I love my friends, I love hugs but seriously if I tell you to step back, run.... I need that space and will go into a full meltdown with crying, migraine, nausea, extreme sudden fatigue or a combination of the above, even if I heart you a lot...)
The second thing is today. The crying for 30 minutes (and a further 5). The not trusting myself to drive to the shop for supplies because I was just actually picturing myself driving straight into a brick wall at full speed (of course without people around!) or off the nearest hill (we have quite a few within a relatively short distance). This has struck before when I’ve been on a bridge over a deep river (oh how would it feel to jump!?) or seen a fast moving vehicle (oh I wonder how it would be to get hit by that?) or indeed how it would be to take all the medicine I have with as much booze that I can find. There’s none at home, I’m sober... but there are shops.
Sounds horrific? Scary?
It’s neither.
Purely and simply it’s hormones.
Once upon a time in 2006, I found myself doodling, as always.
When I looked at my doodles, there was in front of me a letter of who should get what, that I do NOT want to get burned, only buried and some of the crap that was haunting me.
I had had NO idea of what I was writing. There was no conscious effort (much like the story I wrote when I fell asleep in the sixth form study room doing homework that needed to be handed in for the next class.... how I wrote and stayed in the lines and whatever is beyond me....) no drama, no nothing.
When I kind of “came to” I looked and saw this was written.
It was shocking. I put the Samaritans number straight onto my phone and made it speed dial number 9 - exchanging it for someone with whom I no longer had contact.
The next day I had a headache and felt really fat (at the time I was barely eating and when I did I burnt off the food with strenuous total knockout aerobics and was cycling a lot, I was skinny as a rake, almost).
The day after I got my period.
As they were hugely irregular until my body somehow synched with one of my friends, this wasn’t something I could have known.
What I did was I then associated the two.
One subsequent cycle later, I can’t remember which, those feelings returned. I had to stop myself from doing something stupid. The next day I got my period.
So from then on I thought “any feelings like that, wait a week and see how I feel then” lol.
Please remember this was 2006 but I didn’t go to the doctor or even realise I had depression until the fall.
Anyway the next time I felt like that I straight away thought “ok....” and a day later had some other symptoms.
What’s happened in the last few years is I’ve sort of worked out that ok it’s blah date, let me think, ok ride this out and you’ll be ok in a couple of days.
So yes the feelings I had today, while triggered by a focused thought, were strongly amplified by my biological nonsense. Add to that the coming off nightshift and the associated tiredness and something I would normally shrug off became “a thing”.
I genuinely feel blessed and somehow watched over, that I am strong enough generally to if not fight the destructive urges that my hormones send to me, then at least recognise them, keep myself grounded and if necessary, play a video game with a friend.
Some people are not that strong. Some people are until they snap.
If you see people behaving in odd ways or if they say they are struggling, please don’t say to them to calm down, look at the good things and get a grip.
I have amazing things in my life, I have great friends. I’m generally calm and my grip is as fine as my clickety clackety fingers will allow.
But my brain chemistry needs chemical balancing.
And between 5 and 8 times a year, my body sends signals to my brain, through my heart and enveloping my soul and I’m laughing and happy and then suddenly just want to die.
I don’t want to die. Being alive is awesome. I have much that I still want to do. I have friends I don’t want to leave, I don’t want to leave my brother.
But my body is a bitch and tells me otherwise.
I need people to know it’s fine to talk about mental health issues, as well as situational fluctuations in mindfulness and mood, caused by biological or external factors.
I need other people to know that it’s ok for people to talk about it and ask that you do not pass judgement or ridicule at the person.
The back story is stuff that I do now openly share. Because it helps some people. Because it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Because I’m way more confident than I used to be, in part because I opened up.
I am calm, happy, level headed and don’t care to engage in conflict (ok complaints about service or whatever, aside, but that can be dealt with calmly just using facts...) because what’s the point? I may spend a lot of days at home, but I like that - but I also seek adventure when the mood hits me, as many of you know from my travels.
However...
I also have anxiety, depression, panic attacks and as seen when I was in KL, can attack when pushed into a metaphorical corner following an attack. I want to know what it would feel like just before dying from a sudden self inflicted death.
The upper paragraph is who I am. Who I try to be.
The lower paragraph is just fact based on being human, but also from the crap inside my body that really likes to fight.
Right.
I’m ok.
I’ll write again some time in the next few days, just to prove I’m ok.
I was online playing a video game with my friend. We usually manage 3 or 4 hours and are then “ok look at the time”.
But ended up on the phone for 6 hours 20.
While I actually don’t generally enjoy talking on the phone, when a lot of it is about the game, it’s fine. Basically phone on speaker instead of game headsets. Much easier and more reliable. And still free/included in the unlimited minutes plan.
Being so much older than me it’s a very comfortable friendship - I’d say he’s more of a father but let’s say step father or uncle as I can be more open etc. Plus I do have a father, not that I talk about him much. But that’s another story for another blog, in another time era.
Anyway I sent him the link to this but said I didn’t want to talk about it (because another friend was chatting to me and I started to cry again....) but after an hour or so of inane chatter and all the fun that comes of GTA4 (because I know it’s a game and it’s an amazing venting tool for the things you’d never dream of doing in real life - a game has never made me want to do anything I wouldn’t normally do!), I started to relax. After a longer period he said something and I made a flippant comment about what was in my head. And yeah I was fine.
What’s annoying is that this is hormonal. You may remember me feeling like this many years ago, if you’ve followed my journal until now.
Well 11 years ago I first had the courage to go to my doctor, after a while or realising I had some sort of depression. Sure enough it was clinical depression at the time. I was on Prozac for a year.
More recently I’ve been back on the Prozac, and as previously mentioned, I’ve been switched to Zoloft.
I seem to have had 2 episodes in 8 days now... but what I should point out is that the social/personal anxiety attack was one thing: that’s to do with the brain chemistry and my back off or I’ll bite so hard instinct. (I love my friends, I love hugs but seriously if I tell you to step back, run.... I need that space and will go into a full meltdown with crying, migraine, nausea, extreme sudden fatigue or a combination of the above, even if I heart you a lot...)
The second thing is today. The crying for 30 minutes (and a further 5). The not trusting myself to drive to the shop for supplies because I was just actually picturing myself driving straight into a brick wall at full speed (of course without people around!) or off the nearest hill (we have quite a few within a relatively short distance). This has struck before when I’ve been on a bridge over a deep river (oh how would it feel to jump!?) or seen a fast moving vehicle (oh I wonder how it would be to get hit by that?) or indeed how it would be to take all the medicine I have with as much booze that I can find. There’s none at home, I’m sober... but there are shops.
Sounds horrific? Scary?
It’s neither.
Purely and simply it’s hormones.
Once upon a time in 2006, I found myself doodling, as always.
When I looked at my doodles, there was in front of me a letter of who should get what, that I do NOT want to get burned, only buried and some of the crap that was haunting me.
I had had NO idea of what I was writing. There was no conscious effort (much like the story I wrote when I fell asleep in the sixth form study room doing homework that needed to be handed in for the next class.... how I wrote and stayed in the lines and whatever is beyond me....) no drama, no nothing.
When I kind of “came to” I looked and saw this was written.
It was shocking. I put the Samaritans number straight onto my phone and made it speed dial number 9 - exchanging it for someone with whom I no longer had contact.
The next day I had a headache and felt really fat (at the time I was barely eating and when I did I burnt off the food with strenuous total knockout aerobics and was cycling a lot, I was skinny as a rake, almost).
The day after I got my period.
As they were hugely irregular until my body somehow synched with one of my friends, this wasn’t something I could have known.
What I did was I then associated the two.
One subsequent cycle later, I can’t remember which, those feelings returned. I had to stop myself from doing something stupid. The next day I got my period.
So from then on I thought “any feelings like that, wait a week and see how I feel then” lol.
Please remember this was 2006 but I didn’t go to the doctor or even realise I had depression until the fall.
Anyway the next time I felt like that I straight away thought “ok....” and a day later had some other symptoms.
What’s happened in the last few years is I’ve sort of worked out that ok it’s blah date, let me think, ok ride this out and you’ll be ok in a couple of days.
So yes the feelings I had today, while triggered by a focused thought, were strongly amplified by my biological nonsense. Add to that the coming off nightshift and the associated tiredness and something I would normally shrug off became “a thing”.
I genuinely feel blessed and somehow watched over, that I am strong enough generally to if not fight the destructive urges that my hormones send to me, then at least recognise them, keep myself grounded and if necessary, play a video game with a friend.
Some people are not that strong. Some people are until they snap.
If you see people behaving in odd ways or if they say they are struggling, please don’t say to them to calm down, look at the good things and get a grip.
I have amazing things in my life, I have great friends. I’m generally calm and my grip is as fine as my clickety clackety fingers will allow.
But my brain chemistry needs chemical balancing.
And between 5 and 8 times a year, my body sends signals to my brain, through my heart and enveloping my soul and I’m laughing and happy and then suddenly just want to die.
I don’t want to die. Being alive is awesome. I have much that I still want to do. I have friends I don’t want to leave, I don’t want to leave my brother.
But my body is a bitch and tells me otherwise.
I need people to know it’s fine to talk about mental health issues, as well as situational fluctuations in mindfulness and mood, caused by biological or external factors.
I need other people to know that it’s ok for people to talk about it and ask that you do not pass judgement or ridicule at the person.
The back story is stuff that I do now openly share. Because it helps some people. Because it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Because I’m way more confident than I used to be, in part because I opened up.
I am calm, happy, level headed and don’t care to engage in conflict (ok complaints about service or whatever, aside, but that can be dealt with calmly just using facts...) because what’s the point? I may spend a lot of days at home, but I like that - but I also seek adventure when the mood hits me, as many of you know from my travels.
However...
I also have anxiety, depression, panic attacks and as seen when I was in KL, can attack when pushed into a metaphorical corner following an attack. I want to know what it would feel like just before dying from a sudden self inflicted death.
The upper paragraph is who I am. Who I try to be.
The lower paragraph is just fact based on being human, but also from the crap inside my body that really likes to fight.
Right.
I’m ok.
I’ll write again some time in the next few days, just to prove I’m ok.