Lost
So I’m strong and independent.
I am. I know this. I’ve been told I’m too independent for my own good and I’m ok with that.
So why am I battling with myself over decisions I have made this year?
Listen to a song, watch a movie, see a meme, know what love is and what it should be.
I had that. That exact thing. With someone amazing.
No fights, not one, for 6.5 years. The gripe was their not replying to a message for several days and putting me on a back shelf. Never calling because “they didn’t want to disturb me” (a side effect of my independent demeanour I guess) and the fact that despite living 10 minutes down the road, seeing each other for more than 20 minutes a week in passing somewhere was a bonus.
Of course we met up and spent time together but not fitting of such a long relationship. We overnighted twice in 4 years - once when I was between homes and at my grandfather’s home, we went to the Isle of Wight... and once in London for my 40th.
You could argue that living 10 mins away negates the need for overnight but anyway.
So yeah he gave me all he had (above gripes excluded) and I tossed it in the trash.
Ironically he replies immediately when we chat now and for a while we were seeing each other more than we ever did when we dated.
What happened next? I started having feelings for someone else. I have them in my head pretty much all the time. With butterflies and everything.
But I’m not used to this emotional rollercoaster of being miserable then lighting up the room with a smile when I get just one text. Who even am I? Worse than that, feeling like absolute crap when I don’t hear anything.
This is not me and I don’t like the person I have become. Crushes have never suited me and I thought I was done with that shit.
And guess what... when I feel low I ask myself why on earth I am just friends with the ex. Why I’ve given up happiness to basically feel wretched half of the time? For something that is a crush, which is going nowhere.
I am less upset by circumstances and more angry at myself for holding on to nothing, having let go of everything.
Make no mistake, the crush had zero factor on the letting go, the letting go was kind of a final straw thing with the above mentioned gripes.
I’m just totally annoyed with myself and trying to not make any phone calls I’ll regret later.
So strong independent me is sitting on my floor, tears streaming down my face (for the last 10-15 minutes) and just needing a hug from pretty much anyone at this point. (And I don’t mean ones you can send through the internet I just mean a hug that makes the world feel ok for a minute).
Let’s look logically though, I think I’m hormonal, having looked at a calendar. I’ve just come off nightshift so am exhausted. And I didn’t take my Zoloft this morning.
But damn I just want to cry and curl up into a ball and probably make some very unwise decisions. Luckily I’m lazy so will hold off on the last part of that.
I am. I know this. I’ve been told I’m too independent for my own good and I’m ok with that.
So why am I battling with myself over decisions I have made this year?
Listen to a song, watch a movie, see a meme, know what love is and what it should be.
I had that. That exact thing. With someone amazing.
No fights, not one, for 6.5 years. The gripe was their not replying to a message for several days and putting me on a back shelf. Never calling because “they didn’t want to disturb me” (a side effect of my independent demeanour I guess) and the fact that despite living 10 minutes down the road, seeing each other for more than 20 minutes a week in passing somewhere was a bonus.
Of course we met up and spent time together but not fitting of such a long relationship. We overnighted twice in 4 years - once when I was between homes and at my grandfather’s home, we went to the Isle of Wight... and once in London for my 40th.
You could argue that living 10 mins away negates the need for overnight but anyway.
So yeah he gave me all he had (above gripes excluded) and I tossed it in the trash.
Ironically he replies immediately when we chat now and for a while we were seeing each other more than we ever did when we dated.
What happened next? I started having feelings for someone else. I have them in my head pretty much all the time. With butterflies and everything.
But I’m not used to this emotional rollercoaster of being miserable then lighting up the room with a smile when I get just one text. Who even am I? Worse than that, feeling like absolute crap when I don’t hear anything.
This is not me and I don’t like the person I have become. Crushes have never suited me and I thought I was done with that shit.
And guess what... when I feel low I ask myself why on earth I am just friends with the ex. Why I’ve given up happiness to basically feel wretched half of the time? For something that is a crush, which is going nowhere.
I am less upset by circumstances and more angry at myself for holding on to nothing, having let go of everything.
Make no mistake, the crush had zero factor on the letting go, the letting go was kind of a final straw thing with the above mentioned gripes.
I’m just totally annoyed with myself and trying to not make any phone calls I’ll regret later.
So strong independent me is sitting on my floor, tears streaming down my face (for the last 10-15 minutes) and just needing a hug from pretty much anyone at this point. (And I don’t mean ones you can send through the internet I just mean a hug that makes the world feel ok for a minute).
Let’s look logically though, I think I’m hormonal, having looked at a calendar. I’ve just come off nightshift so am exhausted. And I didn’t take my Zoloft this morning.
But damn I just want to cry and curl up into a ball and probably make some very unwise decisions. Luckily I’m lazy so will hold off on the last part of that.