I know it shouldn't matter what people think..
but I have been in a rut lately. Just too damn emotional, I guess.
So yet another person says some off-handed remark about SSDI. Saying, "I don't think she wants to work, she wants to collect SSDI.."
You know, that's a bunch of bullshit. I can't help but think part of it was directed towards me since I was in the room. Could be a little paranoid, but it's more than once I have received a remark like that.
I would love to work, really. One, I have two kids to take care of... TWO, when I was first accepted on SSDI I was very unstable mentally/emotional what have you. I couldn't function, on top of that having the postpartum psychosis. Now I'm not saying I am cured, far from it, but I am doing a lot better.
It seems like there's so much holding me back still, though.
I was filling out applications..thinking my MS won't get any worse (hahaha) and nothing bad is really going to happen. Except it did, and there I went through about 2 IV infusions and 4 weeks of Prednisone. And I just wanted to cry. Then it got better, for the most part, no flares.
Now this new shit is happening, I get pain and stiffness and a few of my joints, ON BOTH SIDES. I couldn't understand it.. I called my neuro, no, joint pain has nothing to do with MS. K, thanks for the help.
Call my PCP and she wants to run a bunch of tests to see if it could be RA.
WHAT THE FUCK?
And the more I research it, the more it sounds like RA.
I can't fucking live with this right now. I had been doing fine SINCE talking to my Dr. so I put off the tests.
Now I can barely make it up the fucking stairs because, even with the vicodin, my knees hurt too much. It hurts to walk, bend them, kneel.. whatever. THe only time it's ok is if they're elevated.
I know I am clearly on the pity pot but I really fucking wish people would THINK before throwing out judgments about those on SSDI. It hurts and no, it is not fair.
And what's really not fair is being almost 27 already diagnosed with MS and possibly RA in the future. My whole heart is hurting because I feel like I must have done something to piss off God. I don't understand what could have gone wrong.
I mean, yeah it's life - deal with it.
But what if right now I can't? Right now I don't want to???
All I want to do is fucking cry because I am so sick of fatigue, I'm sick of hurting, I'm sick of stinging and burning and vertigo, double vision - EVERYTHING. I have the vision of an 80 year old woman for christ's sake.
Tom tells me not to let it bother me, others' opinions. I try not to, sometimes it just lets loose. God forbid I can type anymore of this as both my fingers and wrists are becoming quite stiff.
So that will be it for now, and I'm sure someone will pass it on about the ignorance towards those who receive SSDI. It really does hurt for someone to say you're lazy when you really can't help that you CAN'T MOVE or it HURTS to move.
So fuck you very much dirtbags.
And thank you for the real friends helping me keep it together. I love you guys.
So yet another person says some off-handed remark about SSDI. Saying, "I don't think she wants to work, she wants to collect SSDI.."
You know, that's a bunch of bullshit. I can't help but think part of it was directed towards me since I was in the room. Could be a little paranoid, but it's more than once I have received a remark like that.
I would love to work, really. One, I have two kids to take care of... TWO, when I was first accepted on SSDI I was very unstable mentally/emotional what have you. I couldn't function, on top of that having the postpartum psychosis. Now I'm not saying I am cured, far from it, but I am doing a lot better.
It seems like there's so much holding me back still, though.
I was filling out applications..thinking my MS won't get any worse (hahaha) and nothing bad is really going to happen. Except it did, and there I went through about 2 IV infusions and 4 weeks of Prednisone. And I just wanted to cry. Then it got better, for the most part, no flares.
Now this new shit is happening, I get pain and stiffness and a few of my joints, ON BOTH SIDES. I couldn't understand it.. I called my neuro, no, joint pain has nothing to do with MS. K, thanks for the help.
Call my PCP and she wants to run a bunch of tests to see if it could be RA.
WHAT THE FUCK?
And the more I research it, the more it sounds like RA.
I can't fucking live with this right now. I had been doing fine SINCE talking to my Dr. so I put off the tests.
Now I can barely make it up the fucking stairs because, even with the vicodin, my knees hurt too much. It hurts to walk, bend them, kneel.. whatever. THe only time it's ok is if they're elevated.
I know I am clearly on the pity pot but I really fucking wish people would THINK before throwing out judgments about those on SSDI. It hurts and no, it is not fair.
And what's really not fair is being almost 27 already diagnosed with MS and possibly RA in the future. My whole heart is hurting because I feel like I must have done something to piss off God. I don't understand what could have gone wrong.
I mean, yeah it's life - deal with it.
But what if right now I can't? Right now I don't want to???
All I want to do is fucking cry because I am so sick of fatigue, I'm sick of hurting, I'm sick of stinging and burning and vertigo, double vision - EVERYTHING. I have the vision of an 80 year old woman for christ's sake.
Tom tells me not to let it bother me, others' opinions. I try not to, sometimes it just lets loose. God forbid I can type anymore of this as both my fingers and wrists are becoming quite stiff.
So that will be it for now, and I'm sure someone will pass it on about the ignorance towards those who receive SSDI. It really does hurt for someone to say you're lazy when you really can't help that you CAN'T MOVE or it HURTS to move.
So fuck you very much dirtbags.
And thank you for the real friends helping me keep it together. I love you guys.