HDSmoochfest fic: Bovine Intervention
Author’s LJ Name: enchanted_jae
Prompt Number: 32 - Muggle British countryside, ducks, shortcuts, clover, cow-tipping attempt
Title: Bovine Intervention
Pairing(s): Harry/Draco, minor Ron/Hermione and Seamus/Pansy
Summary: Draco accepts a drunken dare on Harry's behalf, leading to an attempt to perform the dangerous stunt of cow-tipping.
Rating: PG13
Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters herein are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No copyright infringement is intended.
Warning(s): Suggestion
Epilogue compliant? EWE
Word Count: 1575
Author's Notes: I found this prompt irresistible! Special thanks to my beta, stitchesandlace!
"It can't be done," Hermione declared. Her voice rang with utmost confidence in her intellectual superiority.
"Bullshit," countered Seamus before grinning and adding, "Pardon the pun."
"Good one, Seamus!" crowed Pansy. She slapped her boyfriend on the back and nearly sent him tumbling from his bar stool. The fact that Seamus was well on his way to becoming pissed didn't help his coordination. Pansy withdrew the small pick from her Bloody Mary and pointed the olive at Hermione. "I say it can be done, Granger," she challenged before popping the olive in her mouth.
"Have you ever seen a cow up close, Parkinson?" Hermione scoffed. "They weigh half a tonne! How do you suppose someone could simply walk up to one and tip it over?"
"Harry could do it," drawled Draco.
Harry glanced up from his drink. "Huh?"
"My boyfriend is the strongest, bestest boyfriend in the whole world wide," Draco proclaimed. Despite his poor diction, his words were surprisingly clear--never mind how inebriated he was.
Ron slapped his hand down on the table. "Yeah, let Harry try it!" he enthused.
"Huh?" Harry was becoming more confused by the moment.
"Shush, Ronald," Hermione chastised her boyfriend. "No one is going out cow-tipping. Not only is it a ridiculous notion, but it would be dangerous to attempt it."
"Harry thrives on danger, don't you, love?" goaded Draco.
"Huh?"
"He'll do it," Draco announced, "and I'll go with him."
This was met with the sodden cheers of their friends and one groan of despair from Hermione.
*
As Harry flew over the Muggle British countryside, his attention was divided between watching the landscape below for livestock and glaring at his boyfriend. Draco flew beside Harry on his own broom, belting out bawdy drinking songs at the top of his lungs. If it weren't for Draco's drunken bravado, Harry could still be ensconced in the cozy pub, sipping more ale. Instead, he was on a fool's errand thanks to Draco's bold assertion that Harry was quite capable of tipping over a bloody cow. Despite Hermione's protests, she had eventually thrown her hands up and stopped arguing the point.
Harry's keen eyes noted some darker shapes on the ground, and he pointed his broom in a downward spiral. Draco followed, wobbling along next to Harry until they landed next to the rustic fence that bordered the pasture where a herd of cattle were located.
"We'll need to be quiet," Harry warned Draco in a whisper. Draco nodded his understanding and held a finger up to his lips. Harry stepped on the bottom rail of the fence and swung his leg over the top. He jumped to the ground on the other side and turned to see if his boyfriend needed any help. Draco had his wand in hand. "Don't you dare," Harry hissed at him. "No magic out here."
Draco muttered under his breath, but he put the wand away and managed a passable imitation of Harry's fence climbing ability. When Draco landed on the ground, however, he lurched into Harry and giggled.
"Shush," Harry scolded as he steadied his boyfriend. "We need to sneak up on a sleeping cow." His eyes scanned the dozing hulks that loomed in the distance and settled on one animal that was apart from the others. Harry took Draco's hand and led him in that direction.
"Can't we take a shortcut?" Draco whined.
"No, now be quiet."
Draco behaved himself until he stumbled into Harry with an indignant squeak.
"What's wrong?" whispered Harry.
"I tripped over a clump of clover or something," Draco mumbled.
Harry suspected it wasn't clover, but he chose not to say anything. There would be time enough later to Scourgify Draco's shoes. At the moment, with his boyfriend pressed against him and the thrill of danger in the air, Harry felt an inexplicable surge of lust wash over him. He angled his head, bumped their noses together in the darkness and managed to fit his mouth over Draco's in a hungry snog.
Draco responded with his typical enthusiasm until one of Harry's hands wandered down to knead his arse. Draco turned his head away and panted for air. "Cows," he gasped.
Harry had forgotten their primary mission was to tip over a ruddy cow to prove to Hermione that it could be done. "Let's tip a cow and go home to shag," he said, grabbing Draco's hand once more.
They continued on their way to the cow they had targeted, trying their best to remain quiet. A loud, rude noise rent the air. "Are there ducks out here?" Draco asked.
"I thought that was you," Harry replied. He chuckled when his boyfriend sputtered in outrage. "It must have been one of the cows," Harry whispered. "They're not known for their manners, after all."
"Disgusting," pronounced Draco.
Harry could hear the sneer in his voice. "Shush," he reminded Draco. "Our cow is dead ahead."
As they approached the dozing animal, Draco halted in his tracks. "Harry, that thing is huge," he marveled, clinging to Harry's hand.
"I wager you say that to all the blokes," teased Harry. He grunted when Draco's elbow caught him in the stomach. "Hermione told us cows can weigh up to half a tonne," he pointed out. The animal in front of them did look rather imposing. Still, it was a cow, not a dragon. She didn't have teeth and claws, although she did sport potentially dangerous horns and hooves. However, Harry wasn't a Gryffindor for nothing.
"We can do this," he declared with a nod for emphasis. With a deep breath, Harry stepped up to the cow and placed his hands on her sturdy shoulder. Her coat felt rough and warm beneath his palms as he pushed against her. The cow didn't budge. "Help me," Harry growled at his boyfriend.
Draco shuddered. "Must I?"
"Yes!"
"Ugh," Draco responded as he hesitantly moved forward to assist. He pushed against the cow's hindquarters while Harry continued applying pressure to the front half of the cow.
Harry felt hot breath on his leg and realized the cow had turned her head to look at him. Next to Harry, Draco sputtered.
"Harry, this beast is hitting me with its tail!"
Harry straightened and stood contemplating the cow while she stared back at him from bored, bovine eyes. Harry gritted his teeth and leaned his weight into the large animal again.
"H-Harry? Do cows growl?" Draco whispered.
Harry paused, confused. "Of course not," he said. "They aren't predators."
"Another cow sneaked up behind me and growled at me," Draco insisted.
Harry abandoned his efforts to tip the cow over and looked to see what Draco was going on about. He froze in shock. The animal standing behind Draco was massive. It had a broad head and a thick, muscular neck. Most chilling of all was the ring in its nose. As Harry stared in speechless horror, the bovine did, indeed, make a rumbling noise in its throat that sounded suspiciously like a growl. Harry gulped. "D-Draco? That's not a cow."
"If it's not a cow, then what is it?" Draco demanded in an exasperated tone.
"It's a bull!" cried Harry. He found himself wearing his boyfriend as Draco all but climbed up him in fright.
"What shall we do?" whimpered Draco.
"We'll back away slowly," Harry decided. He set Draco apart from him, and the two of them began walking backward, one careful step at a time. They kept their eyes on the bull to see how he would react. The bull snorted and took a step toward them.
"Run!" screamed Draco. He didn't wait to see if Harry obeyed; rather, he took off at a sprint across the pasture.
Harry's Gryffindor courage fled in the face of the gigantic Muggle menace, and he turned and bolted after his cowardly boyfriend. Harry had never seen Draco move so quickly. Draco vaulted over the fence he'd had trouble climbing before, and Harry put on an extra burst of speed and dove over the top railing to land on the ground beside Draco. They lay there, panting and shaking, while the bull bellowed his triumph from the opposite side of the fence.
Draco sat up and pushed his hair out of his eyes. "Now what?"
Harry got to his feet and snatched up his broom, seething with anger. "Now we go back to the pub and thrash Seamus."
*
Hermione glanced up when Harry and Draco returned to the pub, then did a double-take at their filthy appearance and thunderous expressions.
"Oi, mate," Ron called out. "Looks like you were caught in a stampede!"
Hermione hid her smirk and settled for a mild taunt instead. "Tell me, Harry, is it possible to tip over a cow?"
Fortunately for Hermione, Harry's wrath seemed to be directed elsewhere. "It may not be possible to tip a cow over," he snarled, storming up to Seamus and cocking his fist back, "but I can knock a drunk off a bar stool!"
fin
Cross-posted to hd_smoochfest
Prompt Number: 32 - Muggle British countryside, ducks, shortcuts, clover, cow-tipping attempt
Title: Bovine Intervention
Pairing(s): Harry/Draco, minor Ron/Hermione and Seamus/Pansy
Summary: Draco accepts a drunken dare on Harry's behalf, leading to an attempt to perform the dangerous stunt of cow-tipping.
Rating: PG13
Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters herein are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No copyright infringement is intended.
Warning(s): Suggestion
Epilogue compliant? EWE
Word Count: 1575
Author's Notes: I found this prompt irresistible! Special thanks to my beta, stitchesandlace!
"It can't be done," Hermione declared. Her voice rang with utmost confidence in her intellectual superiority.
"Bullshit," countered Seamus before grinning and adding, "Pardon the pun."
"Good one, Seamus!" crowed Pansy. She slapped her boyfriend on the back and nearly sent him tumbling from his bar stool. The fact that Seamus was well on his way to becoming pissed didn't help his coordination. Pansy withdrew the small pick from her Bloody Mary and pointed the olive at Hermione. "I say it can be done, Granger," she challenged before popping the olive in her mouth.
"Have you ever seen a cow up close, Parkinson?" Hermione scoffed. "They weigh half a tonne! How do you suppose someone could simply walk up to one and tip it over?"
"Harry could do it," drawled Draco.
Harry glanced up from his drink. "Huh?"
"My boyfriend is the strongest, bestest boyfriend in the whole world wide," Draco proclaimed. Despite his poor diction, his words were surprisingly clear--never mind how inebriated he was.
Ron slapped his hand down on the table. "Yeah, let Harry try it!" he enthused.
"Huh?" Harry was becoming more confused by the moment.
"Shush, Ronald," Hermione chastised her boyfriend. "No one is going out cow-tipping. Not only is it a ridiculous notion, but it would be dangerous to attempt it."
"Harry thrives on danger, don't you, love?" goaded Draco.
"Huh?"
"He'll do it," Draco announced, "and I'll go with him."
This was met with the sodden cheers of their friends and one groan of despair from Hermione.
*
As Harry flew over the Muggle British countryside, his attention was divided between watching the landscape below for livestock and glaring at his boyfriend. Draco flew beside Harry on his own broom, belting out bawdy drinking songs at the top of his lungs. If it weren't for Draco's drunken bravado, Harry could still be ensconced in the cozy pub, sipping more ale. Instead, he was on a fool's errand thanks to Draco's bold assertion that Harry was quite capable of tipping over a bloody cow. Despite Hermione's protests, she had eventually thrown her hands up and stopped arguing the point.
Harry's keen eyes noted some darker shapes on the ground, and he pointed his broom in a downward spiral. Draco followed, wobbling along next to Harry until they landed next to the rustic fence that bordered the pasture where a herd of cattle were located.
"We'll need to be quiet," Harry warned Draco in a whisper. Draco nodded his understanding and held a finger up to his lips. Harry stepped on the bottom rail of the fence and swung his leg over the top. He jumped to the ground on the other side and turned to see if his boyfriend needed any help. Draco had his wand in hand. "Don't you dare," Harry hissed at him. "No magic out here."
Draco muttered under his breath, but he put the wand away and managed a passable imitation of Harry's fence climbing ability. When Draco landed on the ground, however, he lurched into Harry and giggled.
"Shush," Harry scolded as he steadied his boyfriend. "We need to sneak up on a sleeping cow." His eyes scanned the dozing hulks that loomed in the distance and settled on one animal that was apart from the others. Harry took Draco's hand and led him in that direction.
"Can't we take a shortcut?" Draco whined.
"No, now be quiet."
Draco behaved himself until he stumbled into Harry with an indignant squeak.
"What's wrong?" whispered Harry.
"I tripped over a clump of clover or something," Draco mumbled.
Harry suspected it wasn't clover, but he chose not to say anything. There would be time enough later to Scourgify Draco's shoes. At the moment, with his boyfriend pressed against him and the thrill of danger in the air, Harry felt an inexplicable surge of lust wash over him. He angled his head, bumped their noses together in the darkness and managed to fit his mouth over Draco's in a hungry snog.
Draco responded with his typical enthusiasm until one of Harry's hands wandered down to knead his arse. Draco turned his head away and panted for air. "Cows," he gasped.
Harry had forgotten their primary mission was to tip over a ruddy cow to prove to Hermione that it could be done. "Let's tip a cow and go home to shag," he said, grabbing Draco's hand once more.
They continued on their way to the cow they had targeted, trying their best to remain quiet. A loud, rude noise rent the air. "Are there ducks out here?" Draco asked.
"I thought that was you," Harry replied. He chuckled when his boyfriend sputtered in outrage. "It must have been one of the cows," Harry whispered. "They're not known for their manners, after all."
"Disgusting," pronounced Draco.
Harry could hear the sneer in his voice. "Shush," he reminded Draco. "Our cow is dead ahead."
As they approached the dozing animal, Draco halted in his tracks. "Harry, that thing is huge," he marveled, clinging to Harry's hand.
"I wager you say that to all the blokes," teased Harry. He grunted when Draco's elbow caught him in the stomach. "Hermione told us cows can weigh up to half a tonne," he pointed out. The animal in front of them did look rather imposing. Still, it was a cow, not a dragon. She didn't have teeth and claws, although she did sport potentially dangerous horns and hooves. However, Harry wasn't a Gryffindor for nothing.
"We can do this," he declared with a nod for emphasis. With a deep breath, Harry stepped up to the cow and placed his hands on her sturdy shoulder. Her coat felt rough and warm beneath his palms as he pushed against her. The cow didn't budge. "Help me," Harry growled at his boyfriend.
Draco shuddered. "Must I?"
"Yes!"
"Ugh," Draco responded as he hesitantly moved forward to assist. He pushed against the cow's hindquarters while Harry continued applying pressure to the front half of the cow.
Harry felt hot breath on his leg and realized the cow had turned her head to look at him. Next to Harry, Draco sputtered.
"Harry, this beast is hitting me with its tail!"
Harry straightened and stood contemplating the cow while she stared back at him from bored, bovine eyes. Harry gritted his teeth and leaned his weight into the large animal again.
"H-Harry? Do cows growl?" Draco whispered.
Harry paused, confused. "Of course not," he said. "They aren't predators."
"Another cow sneaked up behind me and growled at me," Draco insisted.
Harry abandoned his efforts to tip the cow over and looked to see what Draco was going on about. He froze in shock. The animal standing behind Draco was massive. It had a broad head and a thick, muscular neck. Most chilling of all was the ring in its nose. As Harry stared in speechless horror, the bovine did, indeed, make a rumbling noise in its throat that sounded suspiciously like a growl. Harry gulped. "D-Draco? That's not a cow."
"If it's not a cow, then what is it?" Draco demanded in an exasperated tone.
"It's a bull!" cried Harry. He found himself wearing his boyfriend as Draco all but climbed up him in fright.
"What shall we do?" whimpered Draco.
"We'll back away slowly," Harry decided. He set Draco apart from him, and the two of them began walking backward, one careful step at a time. They kept their eyes on the bull to see how he would react. The bull snorted and took a step toward them.
"Run!" screamed Draco. He didn't wait to see if Harry obeyed; rather, he took off at a sprint across the pasture.
Harry's Gryffindor courage fled in the face of the gigantic Muggle menace, and he turned and bolted after his cowardly boyfriend. Harry had never seen Draco move so quickly. Draco vaulted over the fence he'd had trouble climbing before, and Harry put on an extra burst of speed and dove over the top railing to land on the ground beside Draco. They lay there, panting and shaking, while the bull bellowed his triumph from the opposite side of the fence.
Draco sat up and pushed his hair out of his eyes. "Now what?"
Harry got to his feet and snatched up his broom, seething with anger. "Now we go back to the pub and thrash Seamus."
*
Hermione glanced up when Harry and Draco returned to the pub, then did a double-take at their filthy appearance and thunderous expressions.
"Oi, mate," Ron called out. "Looks like you were caught in a stampede!"
Hermione hid her smirk and settled for a mild taunt instead. "Tell me, Harry, is it possible to tip over a cow?"
Fortunately for Hermione, Harry's wrath seemed to be directed elsewhere. "It may not be possible to tip a cow over," he snarled, storming up to Seamus and cocking his fist back, "but I can knock a drunk off a bar stool!"
fin
Cross-posted to hd_smoochfest