Written January 30th/31st, 2004 - Friday "Night" - 2:30 AM
:Written to my future self, almost exactly 9 months ago:
A Letter to my Future Self
Thick smoke encircles you, clouding your vision. Literally, and Metaphorically.
I am desperately seeking mental clarity, yet I continue my search for it in what is causing this blurriness.
I am in month 4 of my Downward Spiral - The most suitable phrase to describe what has replaced My Life . How could I call this living, when my existence is based solely on my own self destruction, and whatever strange pleasure I receive from it?.........Each pound, friend, dollar, and braincell lost --- Snowballing, causing the Bowling ball - Once - Marble to pick up momentum, rolling faster and faster Down My Spiral.
This "disease" has taken me over, if not completely, pretty damn close. From the beginning of this descent, I knew, and understood - but couldn't fathom the consequences. Anything, including my self respect, was worth being thin.
Originally planning on doing cocaine ("in moderation") to lose weight...
What? Meth makes you lose weight overnight? Sold.
What? Addicting? I'm different.
What? Causes psychosis?.
All of the negatives were stuffed into the small place in the back of my mind reserved for truly caring about myself ; The place that is losing, but still holding on to the rope in a game of tug-of-war with the rest of myself - Or whatever evil has taken over it.
Outweighed only by the hope to kill the voice in my head.....it can never be escaped...it haunts my dreams....it lives in my mirror...projects itself through my eyes. It tells you to starve it.
You repeatedly wrongfully assume that the emptiness it is begging for will calm it's relentless tormenting...
Your awareness grows of the misconception that the voice could be silenced...That the knot of incessant worry in your stomach would loosen. Soon you're in full realization that the promise of satisfaction is a delusion, yet regardless, You continue to strive for it.
I am scared. I hope things are better now...I have been hanging on, in hopes that "18" will be better - Are you thankful?
I am completely undeserving of pity; not only because of the patheticness of my situation, but that it is entirely my own fault.......
I am holding myself underwater, kicking away the outstretched hands of people willing to pull me out ---- Then spitefully swimming deeper in the pool, craving and thriving (negatively) off of the attention I get.
Of all that I have, I lack a sense of fulfillment - I am Filled rather with disappointment, when goals now achieved, that had once held potential to fill this empty_feeling - instead add to the insatiable hunger, rather than feeding it.