(no subject)
LETTER TO MY PARENTS:
IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT YOU DO NOT FREAK OUT......Please recognize the trust i am putting in you, and how completely open and honest that i'm being.This WILL be a shock to you. Realize that had i not said anything, things would have continued the same way, urgent and immediate care may not be available, picking the "next best thing" is something i am unwilling to do....I cannot handle putting effort into what i know isn't the right option.
The analogy i used earlier is helpful in explaining the importance in this......
When you are trying to catch a scared/lost animal, running
towards it will only cause it to run the opposite direction...approaching it slowly is the only way you have a chance of catching it, it's always going to run faster than you.
First, a paragraph from an article on Substance Abuse:
"Any addiction is a doorway into any other addiction. There is an addictive quality to eating disorders and a lot of the same brain-reward circuitry is involved. There is an issue of cross addiction, which means you start out being addicted to one thing, and end up addicted to another. Any time you treat two disorders rather than one, generally the presence of the two makes the patient exponentially worse, For patients like Mary Kate, with one or more clinical problem, it will be harder to be treated. She may end up being in an in-patient facility for quite some time"
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I have been looking into treatment centers ever since Mary Kate Olsen went to Cirque Lodge for being anorexic & addicted to cocaine (cocaine is a stimulant that results in loss of appetite &increased heart rate, resulting in weight loss, therefore the 2 problems feed off of one another) Knowing that someone was going through something so very similar to what I was is the only reason I every had any hope at all, because until then i didn't know there were places like the Cirque Lodge. (Drug rehab centers are notorious for "killing the spirit" of a person, and anywhere that has any similarities to Centennial Peaks or Cleo Wallace do more harm than help)
If I am going to get treatment, I am going to have to have my whole heart in it, and being anywhere that I am remotely uncomfortable is going to prevent any real progress. (addiction and an eating disorder are the main problems, but without finding and fixing the root of those problems, (which are so deep) that if they have any sort of relation to having a self destructive and addictive personality, relapse is inevitable.
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I personally sought out a drug that would contribute to my weight loss, and unintentionally (due to ignorance and lack of understanding of drugs and drug addiction, thinking i was different, feeling naturally superior to the "type" of person that became addicted to drugs) became addicted to Crystal Meth (methamphetamine)...aka speed....recognizing when i started that i was choosing physical appearance (weight) over my health, which in itself is obviously a problem, (also recognized) yet ignored in favor of being skinny.
So now, nearly 10 months later (of multiple times daily use), watching my brain and body deteriorate - i have been aware of much of the damage it has done to my body - Meth is undeniably the main cause of my life falling apart. I am not only mentally and emotionally-due specifically to the eating disorder, addicted to it, I am literally physically dependent on it. Medical detox and supervision will be ESSENTIAL in treatment, (prior to, on-site best) because of the extreme, indescribable mental confusion, depression, hopelessness &emotional dilemma that comes with withdrawal, i literally cannot function for longer than 12 hours without it. Once off, also, sleep, long long long hours of sleep (record i've slept was 20 consecutive hours, 4 hours up, then 12 more consecutive hours sleeping)
Because it has become me, not only as a lifestyle, but as me, my body and mind have adapted to the chemicals and now require them to work like a car requires gas to run, I know my requirements and limitations. I have been as intelligent and aware as humanly possible, whilst addicted to drugs.
"intervention" is the road to relapse, i have to be comfortable and supported and respected and feel in control during every step of recovery.
I want to stop, i want the craziness to end, i have been living with a constant sense of urgency and the inability to relax for almost a year, i can't take it any longer.....but i could go (and desire to go) the complete opposite direction also, .thus the nature of the disorder and addiction. I haven't said anything to either of you for a plethora of reasons. A few of which - the intensive, deluxe treatment i would require is outrageously expensive, and likely has limited insurance coverage. (running around 30k+) and when i started to want to seek help, we had a financial trainwreck, and my health insurance problems, all at once....so i waited. No sense in worrying anyone over something nobody could do anything about, plus i wasn't fully ready mentally.
At this point, i figure you might as well know, and i can't keep it to myself anymore, i have been alone for months, only recently have i started talking to people about it.....until i started talking to Rob in march, who yes, is also on it, has been for years, and found out that he did it....he was the first person i knew and talked to (and could even remotely relate with) on speed.......until then i had done it on my own for months. i regained some sanity in becoming friends with Rob..Rob and I starting fighting for reasons i am unwilling to disclose, and i was back to where i was before knowing him, only deeper, and things have progressively spiraled down since.
I am not embarassed about it. I think my problems are extremely deep though, starting from years ago, there are reasons i am at where I am at.....Talking to people about it, like i have started to recently, isn't hard. People are understanding, and feel closer to me for being real. i grew up thinking that i needed to keep my problems to myself, and feeling like i was "different" because god forbid if the negihbors found out about whatever i had been doing/going through......but there isn't anything wrong with me. i have experienced more shit and psychiatric problems than most people ever will, and i can relate with so many more worthwhile people because of it. There is no reason for either of you to be ashamed of me for this. I am not ashamed of myself.
Here are some links to the rehab centers i have been studying for a while:
Criteria:
*On-site medical detoxification
*Able to treat Dual-Diagnosis (mental disorder+addiction)
*Neurophysiological investigation
*Residential/extended stay, + extensive outpatient and aftercare(relapse prevention)
*"luxury" facility
* Exclusive/ensured 1 on 1 therapy/individualized treatment programs
*Cause identification and treatment of
*Constant reassurance and moral support
*Extreme comfort, relaxed/therapeutic environment, feeling content, respected
*Equine therapy
1st choice, read entire treatment program page, specific attention to #18, also 3,6,8,9,1213(all reasons are outstanding):
Passages Malibu | Treatment
Program
2nd choice-ATTN to paragraph 5 under programs and services:
Harmony Place
Harmony Place A Place For Recovery From Drug Abuse and Addiction
Cirque Lodge
Cirque Lodge - Treatment for Alcoholism and Drug Addiction
Retreat at Westchester
NewYork-Presbyterian Psychiatry
HER RESPONCE:
My dear Amy,
I love you so much and I am so proud of you for telling me what is really going on with you. Believe it or not, I am not the kind of person that runs away from problems, especially of someone that I love so much, but want to "do" something to help. The thing that you saw from me over the years was my reaction to being lied to and told that I don't understand and "everything is fine." My imagination is just left running wild.
While this is an incredibly difficult problem we will face it together and I will do everything in power to help you. Reading your e-mail was actually wonderful to me because I hear you acknowleging the problem and what it is doing to you and how it is controlling you and you want to fix it. You are extremely articulate and write so well that it's wonderful to know that this drug hasn't destroyed that part of you yet.
Amy, I will look at all these facilities and we will find what is best and I will figure out how to pay for it. Please keep talking to me....I really can deal with reality well and when you want to be helped I want to be there.
We will talk more later...it's hard to write with people coming in my office.
I love you more than you will ever know!
Mom