tidal waves?
yup, here I am again...punking out on livejournal as usual. I don't know who the hell to talk to about anything 'cause no one would understand why I'd think such absurd thoughts. also I can't sleep so here are my ramblings. no one reads this anyway, but whatever. people tell me all too often to stop overthinking everything all the time and just let things happen. but why go through motions that have no purpose? I just can't do that. but anyway, here's me at the crossroads: half of me wants to have a plan for my life, and the other half wants to go out and do my own thing with whoever I want, whenever I want, wherever I want. I'm starting to wonder if there's any way I'll ever be able to ground myself enough to know if I belong anywhere or with anyone. I'm so driven by my impulses. a friend made me consider the concept of 'floating on emotion'. I think that's what I always end up doing, especially when I'm confused. I allow my emotions to take over my brain and go with what feels right to me, disregarding anyone else or anything else that might be in my path of destruction. I hate this about myself, 'cause even if I end up happy I hate knowing my words and actions are tearing someone else apart. I had the most amazing conversation today and I think that what got me the most was the idea of how certain things fall into place at seemingly coincidental times. this friend talked about how things that end and begin at poignant moments in life can't be attributed to chance. after I heard the story, I realized, holy shit, this is real. I'm so blind to perceiving things that are right in front of me sometimes 'cause I'm dumbfoundedly looking for some deeper meaning instead of just being present and realizing that amazing experiences will make themselves known without my looking for them. instead, I end up giving up opportunities to be myself with the people who make me feel like I can be me. I'm far too caught up in being selfish and worrying that the happiness that I'm feeling today will be torn away from me when I least expect it, leaving me disappointed and feeling foolish instead of just being thankful for an opportunity to grow and feel whatever it is I feel at any given moment. I don't know what to do with these thoughts. my heart won't stop pounding, and it's all I can do to avoid bursting into tears knowing that all the things worth experiencing in life end up coming and going. we all learn from each other, and we're all better people for certain people we've known and spent time with but is this really where it ends? I just can't accept that everything has to stop there, that we're meant to walk away from that which makes us feel like we're the people we want to be in the company of people who bring the best qualities out in us. it just doesn't make any sense. but this is only my selfish account of what I want out of life. who am I to criticize anyone else for wanting something different? I don't know how to feel about my life after today. instead of feeling like I knew what to expect, I felt vulnerable again, like the idea of something that has become part of my life's scenery wasn't there to protect me from something that might hurt me. but for some reason, I didn't even care. I think part of me knew that the decision I made was a step I needed to take. I don't even care if it's another 3 years before I get to feel this way again. at least I can say I've felt it. you prayed for tidal waves, I hope you felt them too. even if just a little bit.