today im feeling sorry for myself
You can tell because I typed my subject line without capitalization or punctuation, which was way more difficult for me to do than it should have been because by not pressing shift, I apparently couldn't also press the space bar, so I was running words together and over thinking it all, so it's just easier for me to type out loud in correct English.
I'm exhausted all the time.
I'm exhausted and near tears.
ALL.
THE.
TIME.
Today the two shining stars of our company our out of town because they were requested by name to fly out to one of our doctor's offices for some additional training. Not me. None of the doctors care about me. They don't know me. I don't have the personality, I guess, and I don't flirt on the phone, and I don't hug many strangers when I meet them for the first time, but I'm a very nice person, and I'm also very competent, and I also care way way way too much about what people think of me and compare myself way way way too much and sometimes it just feels like I'm not worth as much because people don't like me as well as my coworkers.
I feel like I get yelled at a lot. I don't like being yelled at. I don't like tension in people's voices. I don't like higher-ups feeling like I'm not doing my job by asking them a question, when it is not my right to make a decision on behalf of the company, when it is not my right to make a decision that will cost the company $2000 or even $200 or even $20. I am not an idiot. I am self-sufficient. But I also know when I'm going to be backed into a catch-22 corner-- which is to say, damned if I do, damned if I don't, which is to say, yelled at if I do, yelled at if I don't.
I've started looking for positions elsewhere, and in some ways I don't even care where just not here. Except then I start realizing that I'm basically only good enough to be a secretary and I don't want to be a secretary. Anything else I'd be qualified to do tends to have unpredictable hours, which means I can't do what I love to do in the evenings, which is basically just how I make it through my day: get to 5pm so I can go to the theater. Get to 5pm so I can go to the theater. Get to 5pm so I can get to the theater. All day, it's just get to 5pm so I can get to the theater, and also see my husband, and hold his hand and feel terrible for the lousy mood I'm in that makes me not even want to snuggle or talk that much even though I just want to be with and near him always, even though I'm in this lousy mood.
And you know, that's not fair either. I don't want to be that workaholic who is mean to her family. I hate that. I don't want it. It doesn't interest me. I don't have the stomach or the heart for it. But I feel like that's the direction I'm going. I went out of town for five days last month to do a training seminar for this company, and I feel like I've been out of control ever since. Something changed in me while I was gone-- something changed in the day-to-day of our little Bell family relationship that isn't very different at all, but different enough that it's stressing me out. Last night we had a glimmer of "normal" when we went to get ice cream, but it's been a month since my trip and I haven't been able to grab onto those reigns again and get everything back on track.
Everything in my life is five steps ahead of itself and I don't know why. I don't know why I don't know why I don't know why I don't know why I don't know why I don't know what's happening or why I feel like this. Structure is good. Structure should be good. Regular structure should be good for me and dependable but it's not it's not. It's not good and all I can do is sit here with the lump in my throat and the itchy crawlies under my skin like I'm just coming apart and I don't know how to stop it.
And my house is a mess. I mean, it's not unlivable and you wouldn't believe how my best darling boy does the laundry and takes care of the dishes and vacuums, but we're not unpacked from our move 3 months ago, and I don't have places to put things, and mostly I know I want to get rid of it all and have wanted to for months and months but by the time I get home and have even just a half hour of unexpected NOTHING I just can't bring myself to do much more than sit on the couch with the cats and drink more Diet Coke and zone out to Teen Mom for a few minutes because, like the The Hills, week last summer I just can't handle anything else right now.
Who is this person?
I just want to go back to school. I'm not cut out for work life, I don't think. But I don't have a choice. We can hardly pay for one tuition. I already have a degree. It's not fair to draw out this process and get another selfish and even more expensive degree that I'll probably just piss away like I did the last one.
Just get to 5pm.
I'm exhausted all the time.
I'm exhausted and near tears.
ALL.
THE.
TIME.
Today the two shining stars of our company our out of town because they were requested by name to fly out to one of our doctor's offices for some additional training. Not me. None of the doctors care about me. They don't know me. I don't have the personality, I guess, and I don't flirt on the phone, and I don't hug many strangers when I meet them for the first time, but I'm a very nice person, and I'm also very competent, and I also care way way way too much about what people think of me and compare myself way way way too much and sometimes it just feels like I'm not worth as much because people don't like me as well as my coworkers.
I feel like I get yelled at a lot. I don't like being yelled at. I don't like tension in people's voices. I don't like higher-ups feeling like I'm not doing my job by asking them a question, when it is not my right to make a decision on behalf of the company, when it is not my right to make a decision that will cost the company $2000 or even $200 or even $20. I am not an idiot. I am self-sufficient. But I also know when I'm going to be backed into a catch-22 corner-- which is to say, damned if I do, damned if I don't, which is to say, yelled at if I do, yelled at if I don't.
I've started looking for positions elsewhere, and in some ways I don't even care where just not here. Except then I start realizing that I'm basically only good enough to be a secretary and I don't want to be a secretary. Anything else I'd be qualified to do tends to have unpredictable hours, which means I can't do what I love to do in the evenings, which is basically just how I make it through my day: get to 5pm so I can go to the theater. Get to 5pm so I can go to the theater. Get to 5pm so I can get to the theater. All day, it's just get to 5pm so I can get to the theater, and also see my husband, and hold his hand and feel terrible for the lousy mood I'm in that makes me not even want to snuggle or talk that much even though I just want to be with and near him always, even though I'm in this lousy mood.
And you know, that's not fair either. I don't want to be that workaholic who is mean to her family. I hate that. I don't want it. It doesn't interest me. I don't have the stomach or the heart for it. But I feel like that's the direction I'm going. I went out of town for five days last month to do a training seminar for this company, and I feel like I've been out of control ever since. Something changed in me while I was gone-- something changed in the day-to-day of our little Bell family relationship that isn't very different at all, but different enough that it's stressing me out. Last night we had a glimmer of "normal" when we went to get ice cream, but it's been a month since my trip and I haven't been able to grab onto those reigns again and get everything back on track.
Everything in my life is five steps ahead of itself and I don't know why. I don't know why I don't know why I don't know why I don't know why I don't know why I don't know what's happening or why I feel like this. Structure is good. Structure should be good. Regular structure should be good for me and dependable but it's not it's not. It's not good and all I can do is sit here with the lump in my throat and the itchy crawlies under my skin like I'm just coming apart and I don't know how to stop it.
And my house is a mess. I mean, it's not unlivable and you wouldn't believe how my best darling boy does the laundry and takes care of the dishes and vacuums, but we're not unpacked from our move 3 months ago, and I don't have places to put things, and mostly I know I want to get rid of it all and have wanted to for months and months but by the time I get home and have even just a half hour of unexpected NOTHING I just can't bring myself to do much more than sit on the couch with the cats and drink more Diet Coke and zone out to Teen Mom for a few minutes because, like the The Hills, week last summer I just can't handle anything else right now.
Who is this person?
I just want to go back to school. I'm not cut out for work life, I don't think. But I don't have a choice. We can hardly pay for one tuition. I already have a degree. It's not fair to draw out this process and get another selfish and even more expensive degree that I'll probably just piss away like I did the last one.
Just get to 5pm.