"There's pixies tugging at your hair..."
So, I have decided when I finished this entry that it is totally random rambling about thoughts going on in my head. Sorry if it is repetative or doesn't make sense:
Sometimes it is crazy how many circles my mind can take me in before I know what to do. Germany confuses me so much. In a lot of ways, I feel like God wants me there, but in a lot of ways, I feel like I don't have the time or money to go and that God is now leading me away from going. I don't have any idea what to do anymore. Josh's sister called me today and offered me my job at the daycare again. I don't know what to do. I also found out that I have to quit my job at Land Rover if I go, and I have to quit by next week. Then I am stuck with no job right now, no summer job, no money saved up, and not a lot of time to move all of my stuff. I felt so sure that this is what God wanted for me, and now I am not so sure that God wanted me to jump into this. It's kind of like every time I feel like I am moving in the right direction, God throws something else at me. I don't know if this is a test or if this is reguidance to go after something else entirely. Things are really hard right now for me financially and really tough without Josh. It's almost like my mind battles this. Like "it's a missions trip, of course God wants you there" but at the same time, when everything is falling into place, I almost feel like this trip is going to break me financially and emotionally right before I go through a huge change in life. I don't even know for sure if I can get out of it. It almost knocked the wind out of me when Jenni offered me the job at the daycare again today. Everything in my mind was so set and so sure, and now it is all out of balance. I need to go home and get so much stuff done. I feel like I haven't done anything really important lately. I kind of feel like I was just putting everything off until I got out of school so that I didn't stress myself out too much. I dont know, maybe I am just reading into everything too much. I just wish that I knew what to do. Then I can't help but think about Penny telling me that God doesn't promise to show us where to go for the future, but He always guides our immediate steps when we let Him. I just have to find rest in the fact that right now, I can't do anything other than what I am doing. Life is still out of balance, but I guess it will even out. God is faithful, I have to remember that. Even in the unsteady times it is all the more the time to run and simply find rest in the fact that He is God and God knows best. I think I am just going to go out and take some pictures tonight and clean my room and chill out at home. I need some time to think and to pray. Gosh, I miss Jodi. I wish that I could go see her. Ah, enough of all this stress...
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On another note...
I am actually completely torn about highschool right now. It's strange because I have a wierd contentment about where things ended with people. It almost feels like all the hurt and problems were temporarily cured. Like nothing was left unresolved. People all got along, and everyone was having a good time. It is so comforting and such a good way to end things, but then it almost makes you long for more time with these people. I don't know, maybe I am the only one, but I just wish that I could say that I know every single person in our grade personally. I wish I would have just took the time and effort to forget my insecurities and make friends with the people that I didn't know.
But my one piece of wisdom for any underclassmen reading this... do everything you have always wanted to do in highschool. Skip class once in a while, go out with that person, allow yourself a study break, enjoy simple things like swinging. There are so many things that I wish I would have done more of during highschool. I have been out for less than a day and I already feel like I have missed out on some things that I really wanted to do before I graduated. I wish that we would have hung out every night.
Shoot... can't finish this, gotta go home! I'm off work in 2 minutes! Haha.
Sometimes it is crazy how many circles my mind can take me in before I know what to do. Germany confuses me so much. In a lot of ways, I feel like God wants me there, but in a lot of ways, I feel like I don't have the time or money to go and that God is now leading me away from going. I don't have any idea what to do anymore. Josh's sister called me today and offered me my job at the daycare again. I don't know what to do. I also found out that I have to quit my job at Land Rover if I go, and I have to quit by next week. Then I am stuck with no job right now, no summer job, no money saved up, and not a lot of time to move all of my stuff. I felt so sure that this is what God wanted for me, and now I am not so sure that God wanted me to jump into this. It's kind of like every time I feel like I am moving in the right direction, God throws something else at me. I don't know if this is a test or if this is reguidance to go after something else entirely. Things are really hard right now for me financially and really tough without Josh. It's almost like my mind battles this. Like "it's a missions trip, of course God wants you there" but at the same time, when everything is falling into place, I almost feel like this trip is going to break me financially and emotionally right before I go through a huge change in life. I don't even know for sure if I can get out of it. It almost knocked the wind out of me when Jenni offered me the job at the daycare again today. Everything in my mind was so set and so sure, and now it is all out of balance. I need to go home and get so much stuff done. I feel like I haven't done anything really important lately. I kind of feel like I was just putting everything off until I got out of school so that I didn't stress myself out too much. I dont know, maybe I am just reading into everything too much. I just wish that I knew what to do. Then I can't help but think about Penny telling me that God doesn't promise to show us where to go for the future, but He always guides our immediate steps when we let Him. I just have to find rest in the fact that right now, I can't do anything other than what I am doing. Life is still out of balance, but I guess it will even out. God is faithful, I have to remember that. Even in the unsteady times it is all the more the time to run and simply find rest in the fact that He is God and God knows best. I think I am just going to go out and take some pictures tonight and clean my room and chill out at home. I need some time to think and to pray. Gosh, I miss Jodi. I wish that I could go see her. Ah, enough of all this stress...
---
On another note...
I am actually completely torn about highschool right now. It's strange because I have a wierd contentment about where things ended with people. It almost feels like all the hurt and problems were temporarily cured. Like nothing was left unresolved. People all got along, and everyone was having a good time. It is so comforting and such a good way to end things, but then it almost makes you long for more time with these people. I don't know, maybe I am the only one, but I just wish that I could say that I know every single person in our grade personally. I wish I would have just took the time and effort to forget my insecurities and make friends with the people that I didn't know.
But my one piece of wisdom for any underclassmen reading this... do everything you have always wanted to do in highschool. Skip class once in a while, go out with that person, allow yourself a study break, enjoy simple things like swinging. There are so many things that I wish I would have done more of during highschool. I have been out for less than a day and I already feel like I have missed out on some things that I really wanted to do before I graduated. I wish that we would have hung out every night.
Shoot... can't finish this, gotta go home! I'm off work in 2 minutes! Haha.