Insomnia
Dear LJ,
For the first time in my life, I've started having trouble with sleep. Not that I can't fall asleep, but that I can't fall back asleep.
It's been 11 days since we have been completely broken off and I've not had a single night of adequate sleep. That and I'm so tired of working here. My pay is never certain and I'm always made to do what I don't want to do. And work relationships are so toxic with the colleagues here, so childish and undiplomatic I literally don't remember experiencing this even in high school.
And I ask myself, why am I always doing this? Why do I stay in a place I hate or a relationship I know won't last until I become so attached to it all? Because I don't believe that I will find better. I'm scared that no one else will want me. Deep down, I feel that I don't deserve my dream job or relationship. That's why I forget how to BE when I come across people that actually respect me. And I'm aware, but I don't know how to change all this. I hate myself. That has never changed. All the while, I can feel the clock ticking. I'm inching towards my late 20s. How can I still be struggling with this? Depression-induced-anxiety-induced-depression. How can I break the loop?
I've really tried to work on that list I made, but when real heartbreak hits you like a train, I'm just too busy collecting my own pieces. I'm so sick of talking about exes on this, but I can't find anything more therapeutic for me personally than writing. And I handwrite too slowly to catch up with my mind.
I've been binging self-help/motivational/relationship advice videos on YouTube for 5 months. And I'm still doing it. I hate that I could have used these 5 months to heal if I were strong enough to really let go. I tell myself that I lost him 11 days ago, but really I lost him during our first No Contact. The difference between us was that he used 5 months to move on from me and find someone else to fill that hole while I've been hoping and waiting for him to want me back. And now I have to start the recovery process all over again.
I lost the race from the very beginning.
I spent the last 11 days with people. I haven't been alone for one single evening this past week but I feel just as lonely in the company of others. I'm not able to connect with anyone and seeing all these friends with significant others just makes me feel even lonelier. No one prioritizes a friend when they're in a relationship.
I feel like I have nowhere to go. I don't want to stay here, but I don't want to go home to disappointed parents. I bursted into tears thinking about seeking refuge at my grandmother's. The only person in the moment ignorant of my situation enough to offer unconditional support.
Letting go is hard. Even though he might as well be dead to me. Pursuing something that I don't really want while being pain is hard. Not hating myself is hard. Having clarity and taking action is hard. But why should I drown when he's enjoying newfound happiness?
For the first time in my life, I've started having trouble with sleep. Not that I can't fall asleep, but that I can't fall back asleep.
It's been 11 days since we have been completely broken off and I've not had a single night of adequate sleep. That and I'm so tired of working here. My pay is never certain and I'm always made to do what I don't want to do. And work relationships are so toxic with the colleagues here, so childish and undiplomatic I literally don't remember experiencing this even in high school.
And I ask myself, why am I always doing this? Why do I stay in a place I hate or a relationship I know won't last until I become so attached to it all? Because I don't believe that I will find better. I'm scared that no one else will want me. Deep down, I feel that I don't deserve my dream job or relationship. That's why I forget how to BE when I come across people that actually respect me. And I'm aware, but I don't know how to change all this. I hate myself. That has never changed. All the while, I can feel the clock ticking. I'm inching towards my late 20s. How can I still be struggling with this? Depression-induced-anxiety-induced-depression. How can I break the loop?
I've really tried to work on that list I made, but when real heartbreak hits you like a train, I'm just too busy collecting my own pieces. I'm so sick of talking about exes on this, but I can't find anything more therapeutic for me personally than writing. And I handwrite too slowly to catch up with my mind.
I've been binging self-help/motivational/relationship advice videos on YouTube for 5 months. And I'm still doing it. I hate that I could have used these 5 months to heal if I were strong enough to really let go. I tell myself that I lost him 11 days ago, but really I lost him during our first No Contact. The difference between us was that he used 5 months to move on from me and find someone else to fill that hole while I've been hoping and waiting for him to want me back. And now I have to start the recovery process all over again.
I lost the race from the very beginning.
I spent the last 11 days with people. I haven't been alone for one single evening this past week but I feel just as lonely in the company of others. I'm not able to connect with anyone and seeing all these friends with significant others just makes me feel even lonelier. No one prioritizes a friend when they're in a relationship.
I feel like I have nowhere to go. I don't want to stay here, but I don't want to go home to disappointed parents. I bursted into tears thinking about seeking refuge at my grandmother's. The only person in the moment ignorant of my situation enough to offer unconditional support.
Letting go is hard. Even though he might as well be dead to me. Pursuing something that I don't really want while being pain is hard. Not hating myself is hard. Having clarity and taking action is hard. But why should I drown when he's enjoying newfound happiness?