Winter
Dear LJ,
...You've changed! You're... very white and blank, like the thick cake of snow outside... and the font is much more presbyopia friendly. I wonder if it's a reflection of your aging userbase?
I come to you again worn and torn, bare and alone, knowing that even if every human in this world has tired of hearing about my hurt, at least you will always welcome me with your wide open screen for my dreary digital scribbling.
Can you believe winter is already here? It's like the universe clocked in when Halloween passed and dutifully dumped a whole year's worth of celestial dust on us in the span of 24 hours. I was skidding so much on the way home from work and teaching two lazy kids that I was driving at 30km/hr for an hour and a half fearing for my life. Little did I know I was driving with only two snow tires. Unbelievable.
So as you can tell, life has changed again drastically since the last time we've caught up. I've returned home. I did not extend my contract with that Chinese orchestra. I was paid, and went on holidays with my extended family for what seemed like a heavenly 3 weeks, even if I still spent it heartbroken inside. Like true Emerald fam fashion, as soon as I landed back in Canada, I was right back to work at the winery for 2 extremely busy months. But to actually starting to have my own income, I also started working at a financial firm as administrative support. So for quite a while, I was working two jobs full time. On top of that, I also started teaching my boss's two small kids piano.
But there's something else I'm shying away from telling you. I think you probably already guessed it. Yes, it's Mac. The minute I stepped into the airport in China and the minute I got home and settled in my own bed, I received a friend request on Wechat and a text message. It literally sent chills down my spine. How did he know that I was coming back that day? I ignored it for a few days. But I was suppressing how much I missed him for so long, and him reaching out to me definitely signaled that he's not happy or having problems with his new girlfriend. I decided to send a short text back to that one to see what's up. And that led me down a whole journey of - you guessed it - big mistake.
Keep in mind that I'm writing about it a month after I've broken up with him for the second time. So yes, it was definitely stupid. It was the definition of stupid. But I think I needed to experience all that disappointment again to finally accept the fact that I would never be able to have a healthy relationship with him. That he just, at least in this decade, not going to be able to come close to meet me where I am.
So here I am, alone again. Living with family as an adult is also in itself a big challenge. The relationship I have with my mother is faltering due to lifestyle differences, and I just really don't like pets - she has two dogs. At this point, whoever is reading probably just thinks I'm an evil person because who doesn't like dogs? Well, I'm sorry not sorry that if it's not my pet, I don't want to have to deal with unsolicited urine and defecation all over the place every time I get home from work. People, if you don't have time for pets, don't have them! Because you're not doing them a favour by not having the time to care for them!
Rant aside, it's taking everything and more to be optomistic about life right now. I've worked so hard for years, while battling mental illness, to try to achieve my dreams, and yet here I am working as a secretary. And the scariest part is that I actually enjoy it. I love how things can be done and over instead of having to pound at the same thing for years and not see any results. But I also feel like I'm betraying myself. What happened to all those years of hard work? Money spent? Late nights in the practice room? I don't know. The only thing I'm doing that is remotely close to that is interviewing for a small music school next week.
With this admin job, I can afford to live on my own, but I have no idea where I should go. It botched my plan of auditioning for a phD, and I gave up on an apartment downtown. And living in rented property will also limit my practice opportunities, not like I have time to practice with my current schedule.
But most of all, I feel so alone facing all this dilemma. Mac is gone. Mom sees me like an intruder everyday. Friendships are fading away as well. The only two friends I talk to on a daily basis are also living completely different lives and one is even long distance. The friends that I really do want to see live extremely far away and have also insanely busy lives. But would things change if I lived closer to them?
I know I'm not always the easiest to deal with. But I'm not a bad person. I do care and I'm interested to hear you out too. You just have to talk to me.