Motherland(?)
Dear LJ,
Life is all sorts of unexpected. Every time I think I am going to leave you behind, some kind of life event always brings me back to you. In 2018, I packed my bags and (although I had to leave half of them) left Germany upon the closing of yet another chapter in my life. I really do think I'm rather an unfortunate contradiction in all the ways. Devoting my life to celebrate an art and yet scared of sharing this art; trotted a good part of the globe and yet still very much an introvert; went on countless adventures yet remaining an individual with mostly a sedentary lifestyle. I could go on. But yes, after a much resented 2 years in Germany, I actually had a very pleasant graduating experience filled with touring with my trio and organizing our very own concerts performing my absolutely favourite piece of music - beloved Brahms Clarinet Quintet.
And then I had a crazy, stupid, exciting, amazing, expensive, regrettable and yet unforgettable summer. I visited friends again. And an ex. Part of me did briefly consider the possibility of using her to stay in Europe. Well, except it wouldn't have been Europe any more after the referendum. But I did see many many things and have many great experiences - like always, bittersweet.
Then I was home. Back to slaving at the winery. Started an unlikely romance. But I couldn't deal with everything. I wasn't doing what I loved. I wasn't coping well with living with a controlling parent as an adult. The romance wasn't going well. But my mother, although not great at being easy to live with, loves me and saw that I was not in a good place. She encouraged me to call my former professor in Belgium to see if I could go back and give it another shot in Europe. Crazy enough, at the same time a good friend of mine who held the principal trombone position in an orchestra in China, after years of half-joking, actually sent my recording to its respective music director, who actually later expressed interest to invite me to audition. In February, I packed my bags again and set off for Belgium where I would take lessons in preparation for the audition.
A lot of miscommunication had occurred before I set foot in China. I was to substitute for the principal clarinet for a few programs before my audition. I had to miss one because I immediately fell sick with bronchitis. But I ended up going on tour and some extra concerts. I've never been treated so well and so poorly at the same time. What with 5 star hotels, free meals, big condo apartment but everything last minute. I never had time to prepare for anything and was thrown head first toward the most stressful circumstances, and it all was completely normal for the people here. On top of it all, that awkward romance lingered. It followed me miserably to Belgium where it drained my tears, and now to China, highlighting the loneliness of my situation even more.
As a result, I kept calling one of my long term penpals, the only friend who would be willing to listen to me talk about stupid decisions everyday for months on end. And one thing he said woke something up in me. He said to me, "Every minute you spend thinking about this useless guy you could be solving world hunger in Cambodia or something. It's such a waste of the brain power that was gifted to you."
This was true. I am so much more than whoever is interested in me romantically. This past year, literally from May 2018 to May 2019, has been such a big blur and passed by so fast, firstly because it was the first year that I hadn't been in school, but also because this was the timeframe where I devoted most of my time to him even if I wasn't with him physically. What would mentally single Emerald be aspiring to if none of that happened?
I don't even remember any more. I remember I wrote a list that I kept on my old phone.
1. Reading list
2. Compose a string quartet
3. Write a clarinet sonata
4. Write a poem
5. Make a new friend (god forbid)
6. Choose a topic of research
Here's a Forbes' list
1. Only use positive phrases.
2. Set no expectation rule
3. Exercise 2min after getting home instead of napping
4. Create 1 hour of free time each day
5. Journalize decisions and surprises
6. Building willpower by: waking up at latest 7am every night and going to bed latest 11pm
7. Share something positive everyday with others
8. Become a better speaker: take care in better phrasing thoughts and taking time to do so
I'm not sure if I can remember to do all of these but if I can get a momentum going, I guess it won't matter where I am or who I'm with. Whether or not I take this job, whether or not I'm single, whether I'm in Asia, Europe or North America. Here's to the present and future of self-betterment :)