No, we only finger wild cats here at the zoo, not house cats.
Fantastic. I'm glad I've not bothered to throw myself in front of a large truck or swallow every pill in the house. Otherwise I'd never have lived to be such a gigantic loser! Oh my! A college education and no real job? I'M GLAD I WAS AROUND FOR ALL OF THIS. Everyone else is married, dating, or has kids? I hope I die alone. And soon. How about that?
Plus, I watched 10 minutes of Beyblade this evening. What kind of gay show is that? I mean Pokemon was threshold gay. Anyone who had a passing interest in it probably thought to themselves for a minute before getting into to "Fighting magical animals? That I have to train and who communicate by speaking their name? Thats pretty gay." Doorway gay. Its like the pot of gay anime toy related shows. But even Pokemon maintains a guise of civility when compared to this Beyblade. For those not in the know, like I was about 3 hours ago, Beyblade is another one of these anime designed to push toys and books. The center of the action? Tops. Spining fucking tops. Watch the fuck out for tops! They'll spin your fucking toe-hair off given half a chance.
Tops. And they spin around and crash into each other while the person who spun them grunts and does karate moves. Great. Plus they have special moves. I'd like to make an anime to push a product. I'll call it Dog Shit Ninjas. Dog Shit Ninjas will just hurl themselves at the enemy for half an hour each week with a cut-rate techno sound track and epiliepsy inducing background. Action figures will be, of course, dog shit I find and dress up with little cloth bandanas.
Oh wait, they already did that show. Its called Dragon Ball. SORRY EVERYBODY!
But what about grandma, you ask? Don't think I've forgotten about that!
Grandma is riding down a twisted spiral of crazy and shes taking us down with her as fast as she possibly can. You can no longer have a conversation with her. You can no longer sit in a room with her. You can no longer go into the bathroom after she has gone in it, nor can you be alive in her presence at all.
If you are anyone of these things, you will automatically get a story. THE story, as all stories become one story that never end and wid up repeating themselves over and over again. Before she moved in I thought it was funny to hear these stories. Now its a living hell with just alittle bit of humor thrown in.
Ground rules for grandma's stories are:
1) Everyone knows her. Everyone.
2) Everyone likes her. Everyone.
3) Everyone is jealous of her. Everyone.
4) Shes been all over. Just to the places everyone else has been to that she meets.
5) Every where is fun. Everywhere.
Should you be caught by her, you'll get:
1) "Thats How I Remember New York": THIRNY is a retrospective journey back to a time that never, ever happened but I have to hear about ten times a fucking day. THIRNY is never the same. As I'm usually watching TV when she tells me a story, New York is just like whatever is on TV.
Cse in point. A few days ago I'm playing Medal of Honor and I'm shooting Nazis. Grandma comes in and starts on THIRNY and how New York was full of gunfights and was so dangerous. 30 minutes ago THIRNY was on how everyone there was so nice and friendly. She then goes off on other stories, but comes back to THIRNY. The second half of this story is about how she stayed in the WTC during the 9/11 attacks. She always either stays on floor 9 or 11. The guards (who already know her) escort her out to a van that takes her to a station wagon that speeds her THREE BLOCKS AWAY. They see three women who jumped out of the building (or out of the plane). They see the planes hit.
A few days ago I heard a version of THIRNY so insane it was easily the funniet thing I've heard this year. She tells me everything up to leaving the building. As well as that someone was bombing the building and shooting at it from the plane. She can't remember who exactly was attacking the towers.
She takes a long pause.
My grandmother tells me that "I think it was those freed slaves from the South that came up here. The people in New York couldn't tell them apart form everyone else."
In case that wasn't clear enough, let me repeat: MY GRANDMOTHER TOLD ME FREED SLAVES FROM THE SOUTH ATTACKED THE WORLD TRADE CENTER.
Another version states that the person doing it was a disgruntled airline pilot who was about to lose his job. After that masterful story, she once again went into the gunfights.
"Thats how I remember New York. There were so many homeless and foriegners there that they just would start shooting at each other and IT DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!!!" Guess what, grandma! It DOESN'T make sense because you bever lived inside Medal of Honor, thats why.
2) "Yes, I'm the Pope": Pope, pope, pope. Fuck the pope, right in his pope ass. Which pope is grandma refering to? WHO FUCKING KNOWS!!! I guess its always the same one from the 1940's up until this very day. From South America to the American Southwest to Italy, my grandma and the pope have had such fun all over the fucking globe. So much fun, in fact, I'm about to vomit with joy. Basic premise? Grandma goes somewhere - pope meets grandma - grandma goes with pope - grandma goes home. ALWAYS. Fuck, sometimes they'll just do the same thing over and over again. When they went to Italy, he took her to the supposed masoleum under the Vatican. They had so much fun that she went back to "the boot heel part of Italy" and had a car pick her up again to get the same tour in the same masoluem another time! Three locations, one undying pope for all time, YIP in a nut-shell.
3) "Vernon and I Traveled All Over": VITAO is a potpouri of shit. It usually mixes with YIP in the South West or South America. The premise is simple "VITAO the west and saw elephants that remembered me and Vernon was so tickled that the elephants remembered me." "VITAO and went to Hollywood where we met the giant gorilla (it was actually a chimpanzee, I think) that was in all those Tarzan movies. The gorilla remembered me and put its hand on my shoulder. Vernon was scared, but they trainer said I was right and the gorilla DID remember me!" VITAO is also a showcase for animals that don't live here or no longer exist. Wooly Mammoths anyone? My grandma has seen them. Was it Arizona? Canada? Africa? How would YOU know? YOU haven't travelled with grandma!
4) "Fox Und Kinder": I only called it that because it spelles out FUK. I'm juvenile, SUE ME! FUK is a tale about the fox that may or may not live in our back yard. Whem we hear it, the fox is a possible threat, though it shows my grandma its kids. When other peole hear it, the fox is lovely and shows her its kids.
5) "Grandma to the Stars": GS is all about the rich and famous. Or who ever is on TV. The cast of MASH. The cast of Gone With the Wind. If they made something, she's met them and was there for the taping.
6) "Gary is a Lying Thief": GLT. Whoa! How the fuck did *I* get in here? I've been a bad boy I guess, stealing:
- combs
- bath robes
- magazines
- money
I mean the only thing on that list thats even close is the bath robe, and even then I returned it after jerking off on it. HEY-OH!!!
Seriously, a comb? A robe? The fucking magazines she keeps her travel notes in? Money? I may be fucking broke, but I'd never rob my own grandmother.
I also only EVER sit in my room, all day every day, and only come out for food. Which is only true on the weekends, because I'm lame and no one wants to hang out with me. Can I blame them? Yes, I can.
I also seem to spend alot of time standing in my bathtub, making weird hand gestures to some woman in the subdivision next to our house. Her mom calls here, and my mom goes to talk to her. They both come to the bathroom door. I get pissed, go to my room slamming doors all the way. I come back out and take my car over to her house.
Thanks for all the fun and compliments grandma!
Plus, I watched 10 minutes of Beyblade this evening. What kind of gay show is that? I mean Pokemon was threshold gay. Anyone who had a passing interest in it probably thought to themselves for a minute before getting into to "Fighting magical animals? That I have to train and who communicate by speaking their name? Thats pretty gay." Doorway gay. Its like the pot of gay anime toy related shows. But even Pokemon maintains a guise of civility when compared to this Beyblade. For those not in the know, like I was about 3 hours ago, Beyblade is another one of these anime designed to push toys and books. The center of the action? Tops. Spining fucking tops. Watch the fuck out for tops! They'll spin your fucking toe-hair off given half a chance.
Tops. And they spin around and crash into each other while the person who spun them grunts and does karate moves. Great. Plus they have special moves. I'd like to make an anime to push a product. I'll call it Dog Shit Ninjas. Dog Shit Ninjas will just hurl themselves at the enemy for half an hour each week with a cut-rate techno sound track and epiliepsy inducing background. Action figures will be, of course, dog shit I find and dress up with little cloth bandanas.
Oh wait, they already did that show. Its called Dragon Ball. SORRY EVERYBODY!
But what about grandma, you ask? Don't think I've forgotten about that!
Grandma is riding down a twisted spiral of crazy and shes taking us down with her as fast as she possibly can. You can no longer have a conversation with her. You can no longer sit in a room with her. You can no longer go into the bathroom after she has gone in it, nor can you be alive in her presence at all.
If you are anyone of these things, you will automatically get a story. THE story, as all stories become one story that never end and wid up repeating themselves over and over again. Before she moved in I thought it was funny to hear these stories. Now its a living hell with just alittle bit of humor thrown in.
Ground rules for grandma's stories are:
1) Everyone knows her. Everyone.
2) Everyone likes her. Everyone.
3) Everyone is jealous of her. Everyone.
4) Shes been all over. Just to the places everyone else has been to that she meets.
5) Every where is fun. Everywhere.
Should you be caught by her, you'll get:
1) "Thats How I Remember New York": THIRNY is a retrospective journey back to a time that never, ever happened but I have to hear about ten times a fucking day. THIRNY is never the same. As I'm usually watching TV when she tells me a story, New York is just like whatever is on TV.
Cse in point. A few days ago I'm playing Medal of Honor and I'm shooting Nazis. Grandma comes in and starts on THIRNY and how New York was full of gunfights and was so dangerous. 30 minutes ago THIRNY was on how everyone there was so nice and friendly. She then goes off on other stories, but comes back to THIRNY. The second half of this story is about how she stayed in the WTC during the 9/11 attacks. She always either stays on floor 9 or 11. The guards (who already know her) escort her out to a van that takes her to a station wagon that speeds her THREE BLOCKS AWAY. They see three women who jumped out of the building (or out of the plane). They see the planes hit.
A few days ago I heard a version of THIRNY so insane it was easily the funniet thing I've heard this year. She tells me everything up to leaving the building. As well as that someone was bombing the building and shooting at it from the plane. She can't remember who exactly was attacking the towers.
She takes a long pause.
My grandmother tells me that "I think it was those freed slaves from the South that came up here. The people in New York couldn't tell them apart form everyone else."
In case that wasn't clear enough, let me repeat: MY GRANDMOTHER TOLD ME FREED SLAVES FROM THE SOUTH ATTACKED THE WORLD TRADE CENTER.
Another version states that the person doing it was a disgruntled airline pilot who was about to lose his job. After that masterful story, she once again went into the gunfights.
"Thats how I remember New York. There were so many homeless and foriegners there that they just would start shooting at each other and IT DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!!!" Guess what, grandma! It DOESN'T make sense because you bever lived inside Medal of Honor, thats why.
2) "Yes, I'm the Pope": Pope, pope, pope. Fuck the pope, right in his pope ass. Which pope is grandma refering to? WHO FUCKING KNOWS!!! I guess its always the same one from the 1940's up until this very day. From South America to the American Southwest to Italy, my grandma and the pope have had such fun all over the fucking globe. So much fun, in fact, I'm about to vomit with joy. Basic premise? Grandma goes somewhere - pope meets grandma - grandma goes with pope - grandma goes home. ALWAYS. Fuck, sometimes they'll just do the same thing over and over again. When they went to Italy, he took her to the supposed masoleum under the Vatican. They had so much fun that she went back to "the boot heel part of Italy" and had a car pick her up again to get the same tour in the same masoluem another time! Three locations, one undying pope for all time, YIP in a nut-shell.
3) "Vernon and I Traveled All Over": VITAO is a potpouri of shit. It usually mixes with YIP in the South West or South America. The premise is simple "VITAO the west and saw elephants that remembered me and Vernon was so tickled that the elephants remembered me." "VITAO and went to Hollywood where we met the giant gorilla (it was actually a chimpanzee, I think) that was in all those Tarzan movies. The gorilla remembered me and put its hand on my shoulder. Vernon was scared, but they trainer said I was right and the gorilla DID remember me!" VITAO is also a showcase for animals that don't live here or no longer exist. Wooly Mammoths anyone? My grandma has seen them. Was it Arizona? Canada? Africa? How would YOU know? YOU haven't travelled with grandma!
4) "Fox Und Kinder": I only called it that because it spelles out FUK. I'm juvenile, SUE ME! FUK is a tale about the fox that may or may not live in our back yard. Whem we hear it, the fox is a possible threat, though it shows my grandma its kids. When other peole hear it, the fox is lovely and shows her its kids.
5) "Grandma to the Stars": GS is all about the rich and famous. Or who ever is on TV. The cast of MASH. The cast of Gone With the Wind. If they made something, she's met them and was there for the taping.
6) "Gary is a Lying Thief": GLT. Whoa! How the fuck did *I* get in here? I've been a bad boy I guess, stealing:
- combs
- bath robes
- magazines
- money
I mean the only thing on that list thats even close is the bath robe, and even then I returned it after jerking off on it. HEY-OH!!!
Seriously, a comb? A robe? The fucking magazines she keeps her travel notes in? Money? I may be fucking broke, but I'd never rob my own grandmother.
I also only EVER sit in my room, all day every day, and only come out for food. Which is only true on the weekends, because I'm lame and no one wants to hang out with me. Can I blame them? Yes, I can.
I also seem to spend alot of time standing in my bathtub, making weird hand gestures to some woman in the subdivision next to our house. Her mom calls here, and my mom goes to talk to her. They both come to the bathroom door. I get pissed, go to my room slamming doors all the way. I come back out and take my car over to her house.
Thanks for all the fun and compliments grandma!