I can't drive on the same road as any of you.
It's true. I hate driving with everyone. Its gotten to the point where I don't trust 95% of the people behind the wheel any more. While I may have some bizarre deathwish, I would rather NOT die at the hands of some 40 year old woman driving a silver PT Cruiser, while on cell phone AND driving the wrong way down a one-way street.
I came close enough to that last week. You'd think that MAYBE seeing another car coming head-on at you, you'd maybe... oh, stop and think "Hey, I might be going the wrong way. Perhaps I should try to get my car off the road or on the the curb as soon as possible so that I don't cause an accident." Not this woman, she just kept on coming, jawing into her cell phone. Probably about the jerk coming head-on into her with his horn blaring.
"Don't people in this city have any decency anymore?" is probably what the person on the other end of that phone conversation heard. Even after I pulled into the other lane to give her the finger and shout "Hey bitch! ONE WAY STREET!" I knew it was a waste of my time. I wish I had a term for the almost professional, pridfeful idiocy, lack of common sense and courtesy we have around here. Its almost a contest to see who can be a bigger, more beligerant asshole. Everybody has to be #1 at everything. And I literally mean everything. Every time a lane merges and you have about 2 feet of space between your car and the next car as you crawl along at 5 miles an hour, it is without a doubt that someone behind you will floor it in an attempt to fit their extended-cab truck into that 2-foot space. Ever fucking time, without fail. I know going home tonight I will have to actually ride someone's ass to prevent an accident.
We also always have to beat someone in a race. Even if its on the highway. In college, I travelled along a realtively straight and narrow section of 159 into Edwardsville. Because you could see cops a mile away sometimes, I'd speed just to cut the boredom of a 30 minute drive through boring terrain. I'd be doing 75-80 in a 55 zone. But for some people, 25 miles an hour over the limit isn't fast enough. For some people 40 miles an hour over the speed limit isn't good enough, especially if it means getting to that lane merge a fraction of a second quicker. Bonus points for doing it on a crowded stretch of highway. With a special multiplier for being drunk or on the cell phone.
You'll also gain points by: not knowing a fucking thing about anything, being redneck as fuck, accquiring the most ribbons on the largest car you can. You can also score by being wildly incompetent at your job. I can only imagine that some sort of point system is in place, otherwise why would anyone strive so hard to be such a dick to everyone around them, be as ignorant as possible, and generally have such a "memememememememe" attitude that it causes rifts in space and time to open up above our city?
Right now, I'd also like to thank the dumb-asses oiling and rocking our parking lot right now. A job that was supposed to have been done about two weeks ago. Parking in Edwardsville is shitty. Hell, sometimes I can't even park near my own building because people from god only knows where park behind my building. Now I get to go move my car in an hour to avoid getting some asinine ticket from that old guy brandishing a stick with chalk taped to the end of it.
I imagine that a job with such power must give a man a raging hard-on. On any given day you could get to issue a ticket to a powerful lawyer and some dude. Both will get the wonderful delight of having to spend what must be hours in city hall or the court-house paying off a $50 ticket. In fact, I'm sure that with my car having been out there only an hour, I already have a ticket. And even this man, the lowly parking attendant, will do his job with such spite and malice for just having to patrol main street every hour and collecting a paycheck for taking a stroll. I'm sure he's probably pissed on the door handle of an expensive car or two.
I came close enough to that last week. You'd think that MAYBE seeing another car coming head-on at you, you'd maybe... oh, stop and think "Hey, I might be going the wrong way. Perhaps I should try to get my car off the road or on the the curb as soon as possible so that I don't cause an accident." Not this woman, she just kept on coming, jawing into her cell phone. Probably about the jerk coming head-on into her with his horn blaring.
"Don't people in this city have any decency anymore?" is probably what the person on the other end of that phone conversation heard. Even after I pulled into the other lane to give her the finger and shout "Hey bitch! ONE WAY STREET!" I knew it was a waste of my time. I wish I had a term for the almost professional, pridfeful idiocy, lack of common sense and courtesy we have around here. Its almost a contest to see who can be a bigger, more beligerant asshole. Everybody has to be #1 at everything. And I literally mean everything. Every time a lane merges and you have about 2 feet of space between your car and the next car as you crawl along at 5 miles an hour, it is without a doubt that someone behind you will floor it in an attempt to fit their extended-cab truck into that 2-foot space. Ever fucking time, without fail. I know going home tonight I will have to actually ride someone's ass to prevent an accident.
We also always have to beat someone in a race. Even if its on the highway. In college, I travelled along a realtively straight and narrow section of 159 into Edwardsville. Because you could see cops a mile away sometimes, I'd speed just to cut the boredom of a 30 minute drive through boring terrain. I'd be doing 75-80 in a 55 zone. But for some people, 25 miles an hour over the limit isn't fast enough. For some people 40 miles an hour over the speed limit isn't good enough, especially if it means getting to that lane merge a fraction of a second quicker. Bonus points for doing it on a crowded stretch of highway. With a special multiplier for being drunk or on the cell phone.
You'll also gain points by: not knowing a fucking thing about anything, being redneck as fuck, accquiring the most ribbons on the largest car you can. You can also score by being wildly incompetent at your job. I can only imagine that some sort of point system is in place, otherwise why would anyone strive so hard to be such a dick to everyone around them, be as ignorant as possible, and generally have such a "memememememememe" attitude that it causes rifts in space and time to open up above our city?
Right now, I'd also like to thank the dumb-asses oiling and rocking our parking lot right now. A job that was supposed to have been done about two weeks ago. Parking in Edwardsville is shitty. Hell, sometimes I can't even park near my own building because people from god only knows where park behind my building. Now I get to go move my car in an hour to avoid getting some asinine ticket from that old guy brandishing a stick with chalk taped to the end of it.
I imagine that a job with such power must give a man a raging hard-on. On any given day you could get to issue a ticket to a powerful lawyer and some dude. Both will get the wonderful delight of having to spend what must be hours in city hall or the court-house paying off a $50 ticket. In fact, I'm sure that with my car having been out there only an hour, I already have a ticket. And even this man, the lowly parking attendant, will do his job with such spite and malice for just having to patrol main street every hour and collecting a paycheck for taking a stroll. I'm sure he's probably pissed on the door handle of an expensive car or two.