I remember...

[ellarcy]

I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for the first time tonight.

Memories are a funny thing. I stayed at work after my shift last night for the show they were having... deafeuphoria actually came out because he missed his flight. The night went pretty well on the surface. It was the first time I'd danced in weeks. It really helped having a friend who

Comments

Oh hey I think I figured out why i woke up now

[dewgy]

Don't beat yourself up over this. A very big part of your life just spent months trying to destroy you. You're hurt, you need time, and above all you can't force yourself to just instantly be better and neither can anyone else; and I think you need to accept that.

I know you want everything to just be OK, for everything to just be perfectly fine and you want to be able to be a perfectly happy girl and be with someone who makes you feel good; but right now you can't do that, and any attempts you make will only hurt you.

The best thing you can do for yourself, for Travis, and for everyone else who cares about you is take a step back, take a break. Be alone, do other things with your life, do something different. You've been hurt more than I have ever seen you be hurt before (and that's quite the feat, let me tell you), and you need to understand that.

But you also need to understand that there's nothing wrong with you that time won't heal. (Well, time and support from people who love you, but really I'm pretty sure you've got that second one covered more than you even realize.) You're not inherently broken, and accepting that you really can't be happy with someone else right now doesn't make you a horrible person and it never will.

This isn't about just making yourself happy, you're coping with severe emotional betrayal from someone you thought you trusted and a humongous personal loss like you've never dealt with before. Talk to people, get this sorted out in your head, come to terms with it, and don't force yourself to go too fast. You might need to let go of a lot more than you realize right now, and trying to take hold of something new when you need to be focusing on letting go is just going to hurt too much. Take things one step at a time and you'll be OK, I promise, and whether you think so or not right now you'll come out a better and stronger person than you already are.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

You know if you ever need anything, I'm here for you. If you want to talk, if you want to get away for a little while, or if you just need me to keep doing what I always do and try to send you silly pictures when I know you're upset I can do that too. Be strong, it's gonna be OK in the end. Me and everyone else who cares about you will make sure of that, promise. All you've got to do is let us. :)