I remember...
I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for the first time tonight.
Memories are a funny thing. I stayed at work after my shift last night for the show they were having... deafeuphoria actually came out because he missed his flight. The night went pretty well on the surface. It was the first time I'd danced in weeks. It really helped having a friend who wasn't entrenched in the drama be there that I could spend time with. Near the very end of the night, I had a memory of something seemingly insignificant from 2007, when Robby and I weren't even dating, we were just friends. I broke. I ended up in a stall in the girls bathroom sobbing uncontrollably. My boss had to come in and pull me out after the club had closed, I couldn't bring myself to stand up.
I drove with Travis and SQ up to the marina Travis works at, he doesn't have his car right now, so we've been sharing mine this week... I got a speeding ticket on the way there. $160. I still have one from DC in November that's $100 now... I don't have the money for either of them, but honestly I just don't care right now.
I woke up this morning and spent pretty much the whole day feeling dead inside. I don't know what's wrong with me. Robby has been such a critical player in my life for years, especially this last year. So many things that I think and do are so closely associated with him and when the memories come back it just hurts too much... I have an amazing, caring, stable boy who's crazy about me and I'm trying so hard to move on with, but then things like last night happen... of course he's hurt, how couldn't he be? But it's impossible to really think I could be over Robby so quickly, after everything... especially with my personality... I'm incredibly sentimental, I hold on to everything, especially people. I still speak with almost all of exes and am on friendly terms with them. I don't push people out of my life. I don't know how to let go, even if I know it's for the best.
All this from a memory of glowsticks... Travis deserves someone better than me. Someone who isn't a broken mess who can't get over a boy who repeatedly broke her heart... I can't even blame him for wanting to walk away at this point. I'm a lost cause in romance and the sooner I accept that and shut my heart down, the better it'll be for anyone who ever wants to get involved with me.
Memories are a funny thing. I stayed at work after my shift last night for the show they were having... deafeuphoria actually came out because he missed his flight. The night went pretty well on the surface. It was the first time I'd danced in weeks. It really helped having a friend who wasn't entrenched in the drama be there that I could spend time with. Near the very end of the night, I had a memory of something seemingly insignificant from 2007, when Robby and I weren't even dating, we were just friends. I broke. I ended up in a stall in the girls bathroom sobbing uncontrollably. My boss had to come in and pull me out after the club had closed, I couldn't bring myself to stand up.
I drove with Travis and SQ up to the marina Travis works at, he doesn't have his car right now, so we've been sharing mine this week... I got a speeding ticket on the way there. $160. I still have one from DC in November that's $100 now... I don't have the money for either of them, but honestly I just don't care right now.
I woke up this morning and spent pretty much the whole day feeling dead inside. I don't know what's wrong with me. Robby has been such a critical player in my life for years, especially this last year. So many things that I think and do are so closely associated with him and when the memories come back it just hurts too much... I have an amazing, caring, stable boy who's crazy about me and I'm trying so hard to move on with, but then things like last night happen... of course he's hurt, how couldn't he be? But it's impossible to really think I could be over Robby so quickly, after everything... especially with my personality... I'm incredibly sentimental, I hold on to everything, especially people. I still speak with almost all of exes and am on friendly terms with them. I don't push people out of my life. I don't know how to let go, even if I know it's for the best.
All this from a memory of glowsticks... Travis deserves someone better than me. Someone who isn't a broken mess who can't get over a boy who repeatedly broke her heart... I can't even blame him for wanting to walk away at this point. I'm a lost cause in romance and the sooner I accept that and shut my heart down, the better it'll be for anyone who ever wants to get involved with me.