Days Like These 9/10 by elizagoth7, R
Title: Days Like These
Characters/Pairings: Beckett/Castle
Word Count: 2,202
Rating: R
Warnings: None for this chapter
Spoiler alert: Up to 2x05
Summary: After parting ways, Beckett shows up at Castle's door.
Chapter 1 Chapter 4 Chapter 7
Chapter 2 Chapter 5 Chapter 8
Chapter 3 Chapter 6
Beckett winced as her cramping abdomen pulled her from sleep. In the week and a half she had been home, the painkillers Dr. Fielding prescribed had been slowly reduced. Castle mostly left it up to her when she wanted to take them, but with the lessened medication came more awareness. The comfortable drug induced haze she had been drifting through was beginning to clear, leaving room for the ever present heartbreak.
She looked to Castle beside her, still sleeping. The opportunity to just watch him sleep was such a rarity, that she swallowed her pill and lay down with an arm propping her head up. Beckett studied his face, still handsome even after all he’d been through. A five o’clock shadow and the dark circles beneath his eyes belied the stress he had been under, because of her. She couldn’t help, but feel guilty for consuming most of his time, even though he assured her that there was nowhere else he’d rather be.
It was becoming obvious that he used taking care of her to avoid the pain he had to be feeling. Beckett couldn’t help but wonder if he even still wanted her around, or if he took care of her out of a misguided sense of obligation. She fought with herself on a daily basis to try and return the strength he had given her, to let him fall apart as completely as she had. However he made it so easy to rely on that unwavering dedication and support he offered that she found herself disinclined to pick up her own pieces and help him do the same.
Castle stirred, his light sleep letting him sense when Beckett was awake, and rolled to face her as she studied him.
“Hey,” he said quietly.
“Everything alright?”
Beckett nodded, running her index finger over the line of his brow, following it down to the curve of his jaw.
“She would have had your eyes, you know,” she observed casually, dropping her head to lay on the pillow, mirroring his position.
“Oh yeah?”
“You, your mother, and Alexis all have the same eyes. I think Anna would have had them too.”
He smiled a little shakily, taking her hand and running his thumb over her knuckles.
“I think she would have looked exactly like you,” Castle murmured, studying her calm face.
“Those stubborn Beckett genes.”
“She may have looked exactly like me, but she would have been a Castle through and through,” Beckett said, smiling sadly.
They lapsed into a silence, watching each other and thinking about what could have been. What almost was. Castle thought on how their baby’s death affected them so much, yet technically she was never alive.
“You say her name sometimes, when you’re sleeping,” Beckett said, keeping the same calm tone despite the yawn that punctuated her sentence.
Castle looked down at their joined hands, avoiding her eyes.
“What do you see? When you’re dreaming about her.”
“Nothing,” Castle choked, holding her hand tighter than was needed.
“Hey,” she said, letting go and cupping his face with both hands.
“What?” he sniffled, trying in vain to keep his emotions in check. She fixed him with her patented ‘you know what’ stare and he pulled away, turning his back to her and sitting on the edge of the bed, head in his hands.
Beckett crawled stiffly over to him, wishing her body would cut her a break.
“It’s okay to miss her, you know,” she said, rubbing his back in light circles.
Castle pulled away, standing abruptly.
“I said it’s nothing. Just leave it!” he growled, opening the bedroom door and disappearing into the darkened hallway.
Beckett sat stunned for a moment, unused to their sudden role reversal. Usually it was Castle prodding her to open up and she now knew what he felt like when she was determined to keep him out. Shaking her head, Beckett stood on protesting muscles, ignoring the little voice telling her to just leave him alone. She retrieved her house coat from its position draped over an armchair in the corner and walked out into the hallway.
In the time she had been home, her mobility had been slowly increasing, but she had yet to do the stairs on her own and definitely not with a fresh dose of pain killers rapidly working through her system. Despite knowing Castle would be even more angry with her, Beckett held the railing tightly and started down the stairs.
At the bottom, she spotted a light on in the otherwise dark apartment. Of course he would go to his study, the one place he had control over everything. Quietly she maneuvered around the living room furniture in the early morning darkness, coming to lean heavily on the doorway.
Castle looked up when he heard her approach, eyes widening when he saw her standing in his doorway.
“What are you doing!” he exclaimed in alarm.
Dropping the photo he had been holding, Castle hurried to her.
“You’re not the only one who can be a stubborn ass,” she muttered, resting her head against his chest.
“I swear, one of these days you’re going to put me in an early grave,” he said, pulling her close and trying not to imagine any worst case scenarios.
“Just keeping you on your toes Castle.”
Castle shook his head, leading her to the couch. He reclined against one arm of the sectional, making sure Beckett was comfortable against him, then covered them with the couch blanket.
“It’s mostly little things.” His quiet voice seemed loud in the stillness.
“Sometimes we’re at the park and I’m pushing her on the swings and she keeps yelling ‘Higher, Daddy, higher!’ and laughing every time she goes just that bit farther. Other times I’m sitting at my desk writing and Anna’s sleeping on my chest, but she always wakes up and wants down when you get home. She would always know when you were home,” Castle trailed off as his voice filled with tears.
Beckett felt his head drop to her shoulder as he cried. She ran her hands down his arms where they wrapped around her waist and leaned back, twisting to press her forehead to his temple.
“I can’t promise this will ever be okay,” Beckett whispered when his sobs had calmed.
“But I do know it gets easier.” She reached a hand up to Castle’s chin, turning his face towards her and kissing him slowly.
Beckett gave him her touch, her kiss and let it comfort him in a way her words never could. Castle shifted them gently so he was above her, mindful of Beckett’s still aching muscles, and nuzzled the crook of her neck.
As Beckett ran her hands up his back, feeling the muscles flex under the t-shirt he wore, she was reminded of the last time they had been in that position. He had smelled of expensive aftershave, and while intoxicating, Beckett much preferred him now, sleep and soap from his shower before bed. That night they had been hurried, the champagne making them needy and in search of physical gratification. She remembered how warm he had been, sleeping with her spooned against him. So warm that she had kicked off the heavy comforter, despite the October chill.
“Rick,” Beckett winced as her muscles contracted painfully.
“Are you okay? I’m not hurting you am I?” said Castle, sitting back. He saw her struggling to sit up and moved forward to help her recline against the arm of the sofa, propped up by throw pillows.
“I’m sorry, I got carried away.”
“Rick, it’s fine. Believe me, if we didn’t have to wait for Dr. Fielding’s okay, we’d be continuing this.”
Castle laughed, letting their foreheads rest together and giving her a quick peck on the lips.
“Guess what?” he said, leaning against the opposite couch arm and bringing her feet into his lap.
“Hmm?” Beckett murmured, closing her eyes as he massaged the arches of her feet.
“Merry Christmas.”
Beckett looked at her watch which read just after three am.
“What do you know. Merry Christmas, Castle.”
“You go back to sleep, Alexis will be down soon. She always gets up early, since she was little.”
She nodded, bumping their knees together with a smile and curled further into the plush cushions.
True to Castle’s word, Alexis came hurrying down the stairs at seven with a sleepy Martha in tow. Alexis wrapped her arms around Castle’s shoulders, startling him awake, while Martha crawled to the kitchen to put coffee on.
“Morning Midget,” Castle said, turning to kiss his daughter’s cheek.
Beckett stirred from the other end of the couch, muttering a groggy greeting to the red head, and attempting to rouse from her drug induced sleep. Martha sunk into one of the easy chairs with her mug while Alexis went back and forth to the tree, handing out everyone’s gifts.
After presents, Beckett napped on the couch, lulled by the heat of the fire, while Castle, Martha, and Alexis polished off the pancakes and French toast that Castle had made.
“So what time do you want to head down to Rockefeller?” Alexis asked, helping her grandmother load the dishwasher.
“It’s going to be packed if we don’t get there early.”
“Alexis, I’m not going this year. You and Gram can go, but I’m staying here with Kate,” Castle sighed.
“What? But Dad, we go every year,” Alexis protested.
“Just you and me.”
“I’m sorry Alexis, but I can’t leave Kate. We’ll go some other time, when she’s feeling better.”
“You never have time for anything but her anymore,” Alexis snapped, crossing her arms and hugging herself, looking down.
“That’s enough!” said Castle sharply, startling both Martha and Alexis who had never heard her father truly angry with her before.
“We can’t go skating today. Kate’s health is a little more important than some silly tradition. I’m sorry.”
Castle stood, coming around the edge of the couch.
“No Dad, I’m sorry,” Alexis sniffled, tears beginning to fall.
“I’m sorry that the baby is gone and I’m sorry you and Kate are hurting, but you’re not the only ones. Gram and I lost someone too.”
Castle stood, stunned as Alexis ran up the stairs. He looked to his mother as she made to follow her granddaughter up the stairs.
“She’s not wrong, Richard,” Martha shrugged, taking her coffee mug with her upstairs.
As she disappeared, Castle paced behind the couch like a caged tiger with his hands angrily fisted behind his head. Everything had seemed to be getting better, but he couldn’t deny that Alexis was right. He had been so focused on bottling his own emotions and supporting Beckett, that he had forgotten about the rest of his family. Guilt struck fast and hard when Castle thought about how Alexis had done nothing but be there and wait for his attentions since he had carried Beckett through the door.
“You have to talk to them you know,” came a sleepy voice from the couch.
Castle hurried back around to the front of the couch and sat down beside Beckett, pulling her feet into his lap.
“I’m sorry you had to hear that. Alexis didn’t mean it, she was just angry,” said Castle, stroking her knee with his thumb.
“Rightly so,” Beckett mumbled.
“I’ve been taking up most of your time.”
“It’s fine. I love you and there’s nothing else that I’d rather be doing.”
“I love you too, but I think Alexis needs you a little more than I do right now. Go skating, talk, spend time with her and your mother. I’ll be okay for a few hours.”
“Honey, you can barely walk by yourself. What if something happens? What if you fall?” he said.
Beckett took his hands, making him look at her. She recognized the fear in his eyes; it was the same look she had worn every time her father had taken a drink after her mother’s death.
“Rick, I’m not going anywhere. I know you’re afraid of losing me, but you can’t hover over me every second of every day forever. Eventually I’ll go back to work and then what?”
“I know. I’m starting to think my mother may have had the right idea,” Castle said, looking at their hands, how their fingers wove together.
“And what’s that?”
“The night you came home, she suggested that we talk to someone. I brushed it off at the time, but I don’t think it would be such a bad idea now, even just once or twice.”
“Your mother’s a smart woman. Go skating today and we’ll look in to booking someone after the holiday.”
“Thank you,” he said, kissing her forehead.
“I don’t know what I would do without you.”
“Lucky for you I’m stubborn so you won’t be finding out any time soon,” Beckett smirked.
“Now give me a kiss and go make a fool of yourself in the snow. Make sure Alexis brings her phone, I want to see you wipeout. We could send Ryan and Esposito a Castle crash montage for Christmas.”
“You are a cruel woman Kate Beckett… and I am hopelessly besotted,” Castle sighed, leaning in and pressing his lips to hers.
Characters/Pairings: Beckett/Castle
Word Count: 2,202
Rating: R
Warnings: None for this chapter
Spoiler alert: Up to 2x05
Summary: After parting ways, Beckett shows up at Castle's door.
Chapter 1 Chapter 4 Chapter 7
Chapter 2 Chapter 5 Chapter 8
Chapter 3 Chapter 6
Beckett winced as her cramping abdomen pulled her from sleep. In the week and a half she had been home, the painkillers Dr. Fielding prescribed had been slowly reduced. Castle mostly left it up to her when she wanted to take them, but with the lessened medication came more awareness. The comfortable drug induced haze she had been drifting through was beginning to clear, leaving room for the ever present heartbreak.
She looked to Castle beside her, still sleeping. The opportunity to just watch him sleep was such a rarity, that she swallowed her pill and lay down with an arm propping her head up. Beckett studied his face, still handsome even after all he’d been through. A five o’clock shadow and the dark circles beneath his eyes belied the stress he had been under, because of her. She couldn’t help, but feel guilty for consuming most of his time, even though he assured her that there was nowhere else he’d rather be.
It was becoming obvious that he used taking care of her to avoid the pain he had to be feeling. Beckett couldn’t help but wonder if he even still wanted her around, or if he took care of her out of a misguided sense of obligation. She fought with herself on a daily basis to try and return the strength he had given her, to let him fall apart as completely as she had. However he made it so easy to rely on that unwavering dedication and support he offered that she found herself disinclined to pick up her own pieces and help him do the same.
Castle stirred, his light sleep letting him sense when Beckett was awake, and rolled to face her as she studied him.
“Hey,” he said quietly.
“Everything alright?”
Beckett nodded, running her index finger over the line of his brow, following it down to the curve of his jaw.
“She would have had your eyes, you know,” she observed casually, dropping her head to lay on the pillow, mirroring his position.
“Oh yeah?”
“You, your mother, and Alexis all have the same eyes. I think Anna would have had them too.”
He smiled a little shakily, taking her hand and running his thumb over her knuckles.
“I think she would have looked exactly like you,” Castle murmured, studying her calm face.
“Those stubborn Beckett genes.”
“She may have looked exactly like me, but she would have been a Castle through and through,” Beckett said, smiling sadly.
They lapsed into a silence, watching each other and thinking about what could have been. What almost was. Castle thought on how their baby’s death affected them so much, yet technically she was never alive.
“You say her name sometimes, when you’re sleeping,” Beckett said, keeping the same calm tone despite the yawn that punctuated her sentence.
Castle looked down at their joined hands, avoiding her eyes.
“What do you see? When you’re dreaming about her.”
“Nothing,” Castle choked, holding her hand tighter than was needed.
“Hey,” she said, letting go and cupping his face with both hands.
“What?” he sniffled, trying in vain to keep his emotions in check. She fixed him with her patented ‘you know what’ stare and he pulled away, turning his back to her and sitting on the edge of the bed, head in his hands.
Beckett crawled stiffly over to him, wishing her body would cut her a break.
“It’s okay to miss her, you know,” she said, rubbing his back in light circles.
Castle pulled away, standing abruptly.
“I said it’s nothing. Just leave it!” he growled, opening the bedroom door and disappearing into the darkened hallway.
Beckett sat stunned for a moment, unused to their sudden role reversal. Usually it was Castle prodding her to open up and she now knew what he felt like when she was determined to keep him out. Shaking her head, Beckett stood on protesting muscles, ignoring the little voice telling her to just leave him alone. She retrieved her house coat from its position draped over an armchair in the corner and walked out into the hallway.
In the time she had been home, her mobility had been slowly increasing, but she had yet to do the stairs on her own and definitely not with a fresh dose of pain killers rapidly working through her system. Despite knowing Castle would be even more angry with her, Beckett held the railing tightly and started down the stairs.
At the bottom, she spotted a light on in the otherwise dark apartment. Of course he would go to his study, the one place he had control over everything. Quietly she maneuvered around the living room furniture in the early morning darkness, coming to lean heavily on the doorway.
Castle looked up when he heard her approach, eyes widening when he saw her standing in his doorway.
“What are you doing!” he exclaimed in alarm.
Dropping the photo he had been holding, Castle hurried to her.
“You’re not the only one who can be a stubborn ass,” she muttered, resting her head against his chest.
“I swear, one of these days you’re going to put me in an early grave,” he said, pulling her close and trying not to imagine any worst case scenarios.
“Just keeping you on your toes Castle.”
Castle shook his head, leading her to the couch. He reclined against one arm of the sectional, making sure Beckett was comfortable against him, then covered them with the couch blanket.
“It’s mostly little things.” His quiet voice seemed loud in the stillness.
“Sometimes we’re at the park and I’m pushing her on the swings and she keeps yelling ‘Higher, Daddy, higher!’ and laughing every time she goes just that bit farther. Other times I’m sitting at my desk writing and Anna’s sleeping on my chest, but she always wakes up and wants down when you get home. She would always know when you were home,” Castle trailed off as his voice filled with tears.
Beckett felt his head drop to her shoulder as he cried. She ran her hands down his arms where they wrapped around her waist and leaned back, twisting to press her forehead to his temple.
“I can’t promise this will ever be okay,” Beckett whispered when his sobs had calmed.
“But I do know it gets easier.” She reached a hand up to Castle’s chin, turning his face towards her and kissing him slowly.
Beckett gave him her touch, her kiss and let it comfort him in a way her words never could. Castle shifted them gently so he was above her, mindful of Beckett’s still aching muscles, and nuzzled the crook of her neck.
As Beckett ran her hands up his back, feeling the muscles flex under the t-shirt he wore, she was reminded of the last time they had been in that position. He had smelled of expensive aftershave, and while intoxicating, Beckett much preferred him now, sleep and soap from his shower before bed. That night they had been hurried, the champagne making them needy and in search of physical gratification. She remembered how warm he had been, sleeping with her spooned against him. So warm that she had kicked off the heavy comforter, despite the October chill.
“Rick,” Beckett winced as her muscles contracted painfully.
“Are you okay? I’m not hurting you am I?” said Castle, sitting back. He saw her struggling to sit up and moved forward to help her recline against the arm of the sofa, propped up by throw pillows.
“I’m sorry, I got carried away.”
“Rick, it’s fine. Believe me, if we didn’t have to wait for Dr. Fielding’s okay, we’d be continuing this.”
Castle laughed, letting their foreheads rest together and giving her a quick peck on the lips.
“Guess what?” he said, leaning against the opposite couch arm and bringing her feet into his lap.
“Hmm?” Beckett murmured, closing her eyes as he massaged the arches of her feet.
“Merry Christmas.”
Beckett looked at her watch which read just after three am.
“What do you know. Merry Christmas, Castle.”
“You go back to sleep, Alexis will be down soon. She always gets up early, since she was little.”
She nodded, bumping their knees together with a smile and curled further into the plush cushions.
True to Castle’s word, Alexis came hurrying down the stairs at seven with a sleepy Martha in tow. Alexis wrapped her arms around Castle’s shoulders, startling him awake, while Martha crawled to the kitchen to put coffee on.
“Morning Midget,” Castle said, turning to kiss his daughter’s cheek.
Beckett stirred from the other end of the couch, muttering a groggy greeting to the red head, and attempting to rouse from her drug induced sleep. Martha sunk into one of the easy chairs with her mug while Alexis went back and forth to the tree, handing out everyone’s gifts.
After presents, Beckett napped on the couch, lulled by the heat of the fire, while Castle, Martha, and Alexis polished off the pancakes and French toast that Castle had made.
“So what time do you want to head down to Rockefeller?” Alexis asked, helping her grandmother load the dishwasher.
“It’s going to be packed if we don’t get there early.”
“Alexis, I’m not going this year. You and Gram can go, but I’m staying here with Kate,” Castle sighed.
“What? But Dad, we go every year,” Alexis protested.
“Just you and me.”
“I’m sorry Alexis, but I can’t leave Kate. We’ll go some other time, when she’s feeling better.”
“You never have time for anything but her anymore,” Alexis snapped, crossing her arms and hugging herself, looking down.
“That’s enough!” said Castle sharply, startling both Martha and Alexis who had never heard her father truly angry with her before.
“We can’t go skating today. Kate’s health is a little more important than some silly tradition. I’m sorry.”
Castle stood, coming around the edge of the couch.
“No Dad, I’m sorry,” Alexis sniffled, tears beginning to fall.
“I’m sorry that the baby is gone and I’m sorry you and Kate are hurting, but you’re not the only ones. Gram and I lost someone too.”
Castle stood, stunned as Alexis ran up the stairs. He looked to his mother as she made to follow her granddaughter up the stairs.
“She’s not wrong, Richard,” Martha shrugged, taking her coffee mug with her upstairs.
As she disappeared, Castle paced behind the couch like a caged tiger with his hands angrily fisted behind his head. Everything had seemed to be getting better, but he couldn’t deny that Alexis was right. He had been so focused on bottling his own emotions and supporting Beckett, that he had forgotten about the rest of his family. Guilt struck fast and hard when Castle thought about how Alexis had done nothing but be there and wait for his attentions since he had carried Beckett through the door.
“You have to talk to them you know,” came a sleepy voice from the couch.
Castle hurried back around to the front of the couch and sat down beside Beckett, pulling her feet into his lap.
“I’m sorry you had to hear that. Alexis didn’t mean it, she was just angry,” said Castle, stroking her knee with his thumb.
“Rightly so,” Beckett mumbled.
“I’ve been taking up most of your time.”
“It’s fine. I love you and there’s nothing else that I’d rather be doing.”
“I love you too, but I think Alexis needs you a little more than I do right now. Go skating, talk, spend time with her and your mother. I’ll be okay for a few hours.”
“Honey, you can barely walk by yourself. What if something happens? What if you fall?” he said.
Beckett took his hands, making him look at her. She recognized the fear in his eyes; it was the same look she had worn every time her father had taken a drink after her mother’s death.
“Rick, I’m not going anywhere. I know you’re afraid of losing me, but you can’t hover over me every second of every day forever. Eventually I’ll go back to work and then what?”
“I know. I’m starting to think my mother may have had the right idea,” Castle said, looking at their hands, how their fingers wove together.
“And what’s that?”
“The night you came home, she suggested that we talk to someone. I brushed it off at the time, but I don’t think it would be such a bad idea now, even just once or twice.”
“Your mother’s a smart woman. Go skating today and we’ll look in to booking someone after the holiday.”
“Thank you,” he said, kissing her forehead.
“I don’t know what I would do without you.”
“Lucky for you I’m stubborn so you won’t be finding out any time soon,” Beckett smirked.
“Now give me a kiss and go make a fool of yourself in the snow. Make sure Alexis brings her phone, I want to see you wipeout. We could send Ryan and Esposito a Castle crash montage for Christmas.”
“You are a cruel woman Kate Beckett… and I am hopelessly besotted,” Castle sighed, leaning in and pressing his lips to hers.