Days Like These 7/? by elizagoth7, R
It was four days later when Beckett was discharged. Esposito, Ryan and Karpowski had showed up for crowd control with the paparazzi that had gathered since word of Detective Beckett’s sudden collapse had been spread. Castle’s publicist had been doing rapid, diligent damage control, managing the keep the negative press to a minimum. Despite Gina’s best efforts, news of the baby and miscarriage had leaked and blazed a trail through the rumor mill.
Beckett felt the pain killers and anti anxiety medication kicking in, making her sleepy, as Castle pulled the hood of her sweater up over her head. He buttoned her coat and put a pair of aviator sunglasses on her face to shield her eyes.
“Alright lazy bones,” Castle said, helping Beckett into the wheelchair.
A nurse wheeled her down the hall to the elevator, while Castle walked beside her and the three other detectives walked in front. They got to the lobby before Beckett grabbed Castle’s hand.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, kneeling in front of her.
“I can’t- I don’t want them to see me like this,” Beckett whispered, trying to shake off the medications fast effects.
“Well we can try another door, but they’re going to see the car move,” Castle said, rubbing her thigh through the track pants she wore.
“No, just, not in a wheelchair. I don’t want to be splashed all over page six looking crippled.”
Castle nodded, understanding her need to salvage as much pride as possible. He thought for a moment, before putting his own sunglasses on.
“Hang on to me,” he said, lifting her into a standing position. Beckett’s legs shook as the drugs relaxed her muscles.
Knowing that she wasn’t going to be able to walk far enough, he lifted her into his arms again, one arm behind her knees and the other at her back.
“It’s just you and me.”
He felt Beckett nod, burying her face in the crook of his neck. The three detectives looked to him for the ready signal and he nodded. They walked out with Karpowski and Ryan on either side of the couple and Esposito clearing people out of the way in front of them. Flash bulbs went off, and fifty different people called Castle and Beckett’s names. Castle felt Beckett’s grip on his neck tighten as she whimpered from the sudden onslaught of sound and activity.
At the curb, Castle saw a dark SUV with tinted windows waiting for them. Karpowski held the door while Castle and Beckett got in, then jumped in the passenger seat. Ryan went around to the other side and got in beside Beckett on the bench seat, while Esposito got behind the wheel.
“Courtesy of our friends at the FBI,” Esposito said, answering Castle’s unanswered question.
“Sorenson heard what happened and sends his condolences.”
Castle just nodded, wrapping an arm around Beckett’s shoulders and resting a cheek on top of her head.
The detectives helped Castle get Beckett into the lobby, past more press, then left to couple with their best wishes. It was late afternoon when Castle carried Beckett through the apartment door. She lay limply in his arms as the pain medication took over fully and her head lolled against his shoulder. Alexis came downstairs when she heard Martha opening the door, having been kept from the hospital due to the large amount of paparazzi present. Her grandmother had assigned her the task of making sure any traces of the baby were put away.
“Everything’s ready, Dad,” she said, taking the overnight bag from her grandmother.
“Thanks sweetheart. Let me just get her to bed, I’ll be down in a little while.”
Alexis and Martha watched as Castle carried Beckett upstairs to their bedroom.
Carefully, he set Beckett on the bed, and removed her shoes, sunglasses, and coat. Next came the fluffy socks, knowing she had to sleep barefoot, and the baggy NYPD sweater. Alexis had made the bed and turned down the covers, leaving Castle to arrange Beckett under the down comforter. She rolled to her side and Castle laid a body pillow beside her, making sure she couldn’t hurt herself. Rubbing her shoulder lightly, he whispered that he would be downstairs if she needed anything.
“Rick?” she mumbled, already going back to sleep.
“Yeah Kate.”
“Can you- I-,” she stumbled, trying to arrange her sleepy thoughts.
“What do you need, honey?” he asked, coming back to the bed.
“Bunny.”
He bit his lip against the now painful memory, and nodded.
Going to the room at the end of the hall, his hand once again faltered on the door knob. The empty room held too many metaphors for how he was feeling, what was ahead of them. Castle laid his head against the wooden door, taking a deep breath before pushing it open.
Light from the street filtered into the mostly empty room, landing upon the antique rocking chair where Bunny sat. For a moment, he picked up the rabbit and just held it, wishing it was his baby instead. He allowed himself a few quiet minutes before shutting his grief away and returning to the strength that Beckett would need from him.
When he returned to the bedroom, Beckett was already asleep, curled around the body pillow. Castle tucked the bunny under her arm and pulled the blankets up to her shoulder, then left the room, leaving the door open slightly.
Martha and Alexis were sitting at the kitchen island when Castle appeared back downstairs. He slid onto a barstool and put his head in his hands, sighing deeply.
“How is she?” Alexis asked.
“The doctor said she’s going to be fine,” he said, trying to keep the snappy tone from his voice. Castle’s patience was beginning to wear thin for people who asked him that question. How did they think she was? She’d just lost a child. Up until now, he didn’t think it was possible to hurt as much as he did. Castle could only imagine what Beckett must feel.
“Why don’t you go have a shower and get some sleep?” Martha suggested, sensing her son’s darkening mood.
“I will,” he grumped.
“I’m going to finish my homework,” Alexis announced, putting her glass in the sink. She hugged Castle tightly before going back upstairs.
“Richard, dear,” Martha said, taking her son’s hand.
“I know you’re hurting right now, but perhaps you and Kate should consider talking to someone. You know, when she’s feeling better.”
Castle pulled his hand back like he’d been burned.
“We’re going to be just fine,” he growled dangerously.
He got up to leave, stopping at the bottom of the stairs.
“Don’t you dare mention this to Kate,” he glared.
Martha sat in stunned silence as she watched her son walk up the steps.
Castle walked into his bedroom, still angry. His gaze softened as he looked upon a sleeping Beckett. She had pulled Bunny to her chest, protecting the only thing left of their baby, even in sleep. Her feet twitched and her grip on the rabbit tightened as her brow furrowed.
He waited a moment, to see if Beckett would settle on her own. When her breathing increased into harsh panting, Castle stepped forward and climbed onto the bed, laying out beside her.
“Hush love, I’m right here,” he said softly, brushing a lock of hair behind her ear.
Beckett bolted awake, twisting away from whatever held her in her dream. Castle threw the body pillow to the end of the bed and tried to get her to focus.
“Kate, sweetie. It’s okay.”
“No,” she said, hot tears spilling down her face and soaking a tightly clutched Bunny.
“They took her and I couldn’t find her. She was crying, telling me she was afraid of the dark and I couldn’t find her.”
Castle sat up and gently cradled her against his chest, rocking her slowly.
“I want my baby, Rick.”
No words could get past the block of emotion in his throat, making his jaw tremble from the effort not to cry. He could feel Bunny’s button nose pressing into his chest through the shirt he wore and Castle had to bite his lip.
Eventually Beckett’s crying ceased and her breathing evened out as the pain killers took over again. Castle laid her back down, tucking the duvet in around her and Bunny. Then he made sure she was sleeping before going into the bathroom and shutting the door.
Turning on the shower, he pulled off his clothes while the water warmed, then stepped in and let the stream wash over him. Castle braced an arm on the wall while the image of that dark haired little girl swam through his head. He felt the sorrow overtake him, glad the shower drowned out the sound of the deep, wrenching cries that tore through him as he sunk to his knees.
Beckett felt the pain killers and anti anxiety medication kicking in, making her sleepy, as Castle pulled the hood of her sweater up over her head. He buttoned her coat and put a pair of aviator sunglasses on her face to shield her eyes.
“Alright lazy bones,” Castle said, helping Beckett into the wheelchair.
A nurse wheeled her down the hall to the elevator, while Castle walked beside her and the three other detectives walked in front. They got to the lobby before Beckett grabbed Castle’s hand.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, kneeling in front of her.
“I can’t- I don’t want them to see me like this,” Beckett whispered, trying to shake off the medications fast effects.
“Well we can try another door, but they’re going to see the car move,” Castle said, rubbing her thigh through the track pants she wore.
“No, just, not in a wheelchair. I don’t want to be splashed all over page six looking crippled.”
Castle nodded, understanding her need to salvage as much pride as possible. He thought for a moment, before putting his own sunglasses on.
“Hang on to me,” he said, lifting her into a standing position. Beckett’s legs shook as the drugs relaxed her muscles.
Knowing that she wasn’t going to be able to walk far enough, he lifted her into his arms again, one arm behind her knees and the other at her back.
“It’s just you and me.”
He felt Beckett nod, burying her face in the crook of his neck. The three detectives looked to him for the ready signal and he nodded. They walked out with Karpowski and Ryan on either side of the couple and Esposito clearing people out of the way in front of them. Flash bulbs went off, and fifty different people called Castle and Beckett’s names. Castle felt Beckett’s grip on his neck tighten as she whimpered from the sudden onslaught of sound and activity.
At the curb, Castle saw a dark SUV with tinted windows waiting for them. Karpowski held the door while Castle and Beckett got in, then jumped in the passenger seat. Ryan went around to the other side and got in beside Beckett on the bench seat, while Esposito got behind the wheel.
“Courtesy of our friends at the FBI,” Esposito said, answering Castle’s unanswered question.
“Sorenson heard what happened and sends his condolences.”
Castle just nodded, wrapping an arm around Beckett’s shoulders and resting a cheek on top of her head.
The detectives helped Castle get Beckett into the lobby, past more press, then left to couple with their best wishes. It was late afternoon when Castle carried Beckett through the apartment door. She lay limply in his arms as the pain medication took over fully and her head lolled against his shoulder. Alexis came downstairs when she heard Martha opening the door, having been kept from the hospital due to the large amount of paparazzi present. Her grandmother had assigned her the task of making sure any traces of the baby were put away.
“Everything’s ready, Dad,” she said, taking the overnight bag from her grandmother.
“Thanks sweetheart. Let me just get her to bed, I’ll be down in a little while.”
Alexis and Martha watched as Castle carried Beckett upstairs to their bedroom.
Carefully, he set Beckett on the bed, and removed her shoes, sunglasses, and coat. Next came the fluffy socks, knowing she had to sleep barefoot, and the baggy NYPD sweater. Alexis had made the bed and turned down the covers, leaving Castle to arrange Beckett under the down comforter. She rolled to her side and Castle laid a body pillow beside her, making sure she couldn’t hurt herself. Rubbing her shoulder lightly, he whispered that he would be downstairs if she needed anything.
“Rick?” she mumbled, already going back to sleep.
“Yeah Kate.”
“Can you- I-,” she stumbled, trying to arrange her sleepy thoughts.
“What do you need, honey?” he asked, coming back to the bed.
“Bunny.”
He bit his lip against the now painful memory, and nodded.
Going to the room at the end of the hall, his hand once again faltered on the door knob. The empty room held too many metaphors for how he was feeling, what was ahead of them. Castle laid his head against the wooden door, taking a deep breath before pushing it open.
Light from the street filtered into the mostly empty room, landing upon the antique rocking chair where Bunny sat. For a moment, he picked up the rabbit and just held it, wishing it was his baby instead. He allowed himself a few quiet minutes before shutting his grief away and returning to the strength that Beckett would need from him.
When he returned to the bedroom, Beckett was already asleep, curled around the body pillow. Castle tucked the bunny under her arm and pulled the blankets up to her shoulder, then left the room, leaving the door open slightly.
Martha and Alexis were sitting at the kitchen island when Castle appeared back downstairs. He slid onto a barstool and put his head in his hands, sighing deeply.
“How is she?” Alexis asked.
“The doctor said she’s going to be fine,” he said, trying to keep the snappy tone from his voice. Castle’s patience was beginning to wear thin for people who asked him that question. How did they think she was? She’d just lost a child. Up until now, he didn’t think it was possible to hurt as much as he did. Castle could only imagine what Beckett must feel.
“Why don’t you go have a shower and get some sleep?” Martha suggested, sensing her son’s darkening mood.
“I will,” he grumped.
“I’m going to finish my homework,” Alexis announced, putting her glass in the sink. She hugged Castle tightly before going back upstairs.
“Richard, dear,” Martha said, taking her son’s hand.
“I know you’re hurting right now, but perhaps you and Kate should consider talking to someone. You know, when she’s feeling better.”
Castle pulled his hand back like he’d been burned.
“We’re going to be just fine,” he growled dangerously.
He got up to leave, stopping at the bottom of the stairs.
“Don’t you dare mention this to Kate,” he glared.
Martha sat in stunned silence as she watched her son walk up the steps.
Castle walked into his bedroom, still angry. His gaze softened as he looked upon a sleeping Beckett. She had pulled Bunny to her chest, protecting the only thing left of their baby, even in sleep. Her feet twitched and her grip on the rabbit tightened as her brow furrowed.
He waited a moment, to see if Beckett would settle on her own. When her breathing increased into harsh panting, Castle stepped forward and climbed onto the bed, laying out beside her.
“Hush love, I’m right here,” he said softly, brushing a lock of hair behind her ear.
Beckett bolted awake, twisting away from whatever held her in her dream. Castle threw the body pillow to the end of the bed and tried to get her to focus.
“Kate, sweetie. It’s okay.”
“No,” she said, hot tears spilling down her face and soaking a tightly clutched Bunny.
“They took her and I couldn’t find her. She was crying, telling me she was afraid of the dark and I couldn’t find her.”
Castle sat up and gently cradled her against his chest, rocking her slowly.
“I want my baby, Rick.”
No words could get past the block of emotion in his throat, making his jaw tremble from the effort not to cry. He could feel Bunny’s button nose pressing into his chest through the shirt he wore and Castle had to bite his lip.
Eventually Beckett’s crying ceased and her breathing evened out as the pain killers took over again. Castle laid her back down, tucking the duvet in around her and Bunny. Then he made sure she was sleeping before going into the bathroom and shutting the door.
Turning on the shower, he pulled off his clothes while the water warmed, then stepped in and let the stream wash over him. Castle braced an arm on the wall while the image of that dark haired little girl swam through his head. He felt the sorrow overtake him, glad the shower drowned out the sound of the deep, wrenching cries that tore through him as he sunk to his knees.